The last theme of the year (phew! we made it)

We're spending the entire month of December in a "holi-daze," so I guess "yule" could "sleigh" that "we-three-kings're" are...

HOLI-DAZED AND CONFUSED!!!

But don't say that because I kind of hate myself for writing it.

Moving on...

Merry Christmas!!!

Why not try a little "liquid cheer" this year?

Happy Holidays from your internet best friends at Giant Electric Penguin!

Holiday Wishlist 2010: The 11 Best T-Shirts of 2010

Note to readers: I have provided links to the various Web sites at which these t-shirts can be found, so feel free to buy one or more for me this holiday season, you know, as kind of a thank you for providing you with all kinds of hilarious content all year long. I wear a size XL t-shirt typically, but an L would be perfectly acceptable.

11. Jesus Loves You/Say Anything

I wonder how Jesus is at kickboxing?

10. Friday the 12th

Poor Jason. First he drowned in Crystal Lake. Then his mom went nuts and killed a bunch of horny teens. Then he got duped and run through with a machete. Then he was in 3-D. Then he got chopped up by a young Corey Feldman. Eventually he went to Hell. Then he was in outer space for some reason. Somewhere in there he fought Freddy Krueger. And now this. Sigh.

9. Hobbes Eats Calvin

The only unauthorized use of Bill Watterson's Calvin character that GEP approves of. Doesn't look like he'll be urinating on anything any time soon. Or ever again.

8. True Evolution

Evolution made easy. Finally

7. Pezidents of the United States

I'm not a political junkie, but I get some of what's going on in the above group shot (George Bush puking; Clinton with a cigar; Carter spitting peanuts, etc.), but why are Presidents Obama and Jackson tongue kissing? Perhaps I'll bring this up in our next Talkin' Politics article. Probably not.

6. Scott Pilgrim's Flying Punch

My favorite film of the year. One of my favorite series of graphic novels. Now I want the t-shirt. Is that too much to ask?

5. Rainbow Pasta

The 2nd most adorable t-shirt on this list. The 2nd most horrifying. The 1st most adorably horrifying.

4. Sweet Ride

I could to this, but my wife doesn't like me with a mustache. Sigh.

3. Partly Cloudy

The most adorable t-shirt on this list. I could just eat it up with a spoon, but I'd rather wear it.

2. Biblical Disaster

How do you know this isn't how it happened?

1. Bat and Robin

Maybe the best t-shirt ever. You can trust me, I'm a t-shirt expert.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gifts from the Jersey Shore

1. Snooki Slippers (snookislippers.com): What's round, brown and smells like pickles? If you guessed reality television superstar Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (AKA "Snicks" "Snickers" "The Princess of Pickles" "Shorty McOrangeface"), you're right! She's great, right? I mean, she's on TV all the time, so that must mean she's something special, right? Right?

And this Christmas, you too can have that "Snooki look" everyone is raving about. At least your feet can. That's right, for the first time ever, Nicole Polizzi is offering America a chance to own a piece of regrettable television history: Snooki Slippers. They're modeled after the slippers Snooki wears on her hit Mtv program, Jersey Shore. You can snag yourself a pair of Snooki's Leopard Print or Snooki's Pink and White Snooki Slippers for a mere $24.99 and instantly become the envy of all the weirdly tanned teenagers you hang around with for some reason.

But why settle with being boring? You've been boring all your dull, dreary life. Live a little and get yourself some animal-shaped Snooki Slippers! Snooki offers hippo, tiger face, armadillo carcass, and sea turtle (which disturb me personally the very most!) slippers among many others. You can also get your Snooki Slippers in this horribly shitty design. Did a unicorn just throw up on your feet? Maybe, but you'll never know unless you cough up the twenty bucks to find out. Does the Christmas fun ever stop?

2. Music from the Shore: Not sure what to get the music lover in your life this Christmas? How about a cassingle (they still make those, right?) of the latest song from your favorite cast member of the Jersey Shore? I can only pick one? Awwwww.

Two members of the cast--Angelina Pivarnick and Disc Jockey Paul DelVecchio--released songs this year, both of which are available on iTunes. Yes, the real iTunes!

In her song, "I'm Hot," we learn that Angelina is "busting all the doors down in Hollywood" (Really? Do you mean, like, she's making deals to star in major motion pictures and develop future television projects or that she has turned to a life of crime, specifically breaking and entering?), that she is hot like "an ice cream cone with a cherry on top" (Well, that's just ruined ice cream, Angie.), that one time she "hopped a cop" and "popped his crop" (What?), and that bitches who refuse to "step off" will get punched in the face. It really is the feel good hit of the year. The idea (fact?) that Ms. Pivarnick is not actually "hot"--ie popular, talented at singing/rapping, physically attractive--doesn't seem to phase her, so, in it's own way, "I'm Hot" is a loony, delusional classic. But in most other ways it is just plain terrible.

The less said about DJ Pauly D's "(It's Time To) Beat Dat Beat" the better. All you need to know is that earlier this year the AOL Radio Blog honored Pauly D's cheesy anthem to extreme douchebaggery with the title of worst song ever.

3. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore: Some books are meant to be read on the toilet. Some books are meant to be thrown into the toilet. Mike "The Situation" Sorretino's Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore is the first book in history made to be used as a toilet. A must-read for frustrated unpublished writers looking for one last reason to kill themselves.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gay Coffins

Still not sure what to get Uncle Rodney, the "confirmed bachelor" who always brings his "friend" Stephen to Christmas dinner, for Baby Jesus's birthday? How 'bout a coffin? But not just any coffin: a gay coffin.

What is a gay coffin, you ask? Well, for one thing, it is not a coffin who enjoys the sexual company of other same-sex coffins, as I originally thought, but rather, a coffin for the remains of an expired homosexual. But what makes a gay coffin different than your regular old straight coffin, like the one your granny is currently enjoying her eternal rest within, provided she wasn't incinerated or lost by an airline on a magical island somewhere off the coast of Australia? That's easy, and more than a little offensive, largely to the gay community, I'd reckon: gay coffins are covered in pictures of naked young men cavorting. No, really.

The gay coffins in question where the creations of two weird undertakers from Berlin, Thomas Brandl and Michael Koenigsfeld. But Brandl and Koenigsfeld aren't merely slapping pictures of muscle-bound dudes on coffin lids, they also offer rainbow colored urns and private burials "around a tree reserved exclusively for homosexuals." I'll let the morning zoo crew hosts among us offer ideas on what kind of trees might work best for a gay burial. I don't run that kind of blog.

So, why do gay people need special coffins, huh? Those boring old oak boxes are good enough for all of us heterosexual slobs, eh, but not for you? Brandl offers a reason:

"We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life[.]"

Yep, surrounded by naked, muscular hunks. Sigh.

Making it up to Travis...

The holiday season is a time for peace and harmony, so imagine my chagrin when I came across the following while visiting my second favorite Web site, Lamebook, this week:

Travis's "[White] [People] I Hate [You] [Because]" list saddened me, and not for the reasons you've probably guessed (spelling, punctuation, grammar, racist slang, complete lack of logic, swears, etc.). What bummed me out was that Travis, a young man I've neither met nor spent any meaningful amount of time with, hates me, specifically because of my skin's pinkish hue. I've never done anything to Travis--not that I know of anyway--and yet he hates my honky guts. That doesn't seem fair at all. In fact, most of the reasons Travis hates white people don't even pertain to me.

For instance, I don't particularly enjoy fishing. I mean, it's okay, but I generally never catch anything, so a fishing excursion for me is more frustrating than relaxing.

Also, I don't sport a British accent. I like a good British accent, but I'm not gonna say the British don't sound a little snobby when they chat you up. They do. There I said it.

And it should go without saying, but I'm not racist, pale, stupid, prone to judge an individual based on unfair stereotypes, gluestick-esque, close-minded, bitch-like, vomit-inducing, a dog owner, unattractive, disgraceful, pretentious or gay.

You got me on the fat thing, but I'm working on it, Travs. And sorry, but I enjoy hip hop and I'm not going to stop. That's kind of beyond my control, really. I like what I like. Last time I checked, I was, in fact, a human being, and as for the "faggot ass" voice, well, you'd have to ask the people I converse with day after day. I'm not a huge fan of my voice when I hear recordings of myself, but I don't know if I'd describe it as having a "faggot ass" quality.

I can't help but think that Travis has been personally wronged by a white person, and because of this, he now harbors a deep resentment for every Caucasian on the planet. Perhaps, Santa Claus, commonly depicted as an elderly, bearded white gentleman (but not always), failed to bring Travis a Lite Brite one Christmas when he was very young, a Lite Brite being the one thing he'd truly desired with all his heart. Or something else maybe.

Regardless, in the spirit of the holidays, I've decided to make my own list just for Travis. I hope my words make it possible for you to hate at least one less white person this Christmas.

Travis I Like You Because...

*1. Your eclectic take on spelling and grammar shows that you have a creative mind.

*2. It looks like you keep yourself fit and healthy.

*3. You have very tidy facial hair.

*4. You're not afraid to speak you mind.

*5. Judging from the diamond stud in your ear, you are probably very successful at whatever you do for a living.

*6. You've got a unique point of view.

*7. You enjoy social networking.

*8. Your haircut is nice.

*9. You're not afraid to "not smile" in your Facebook profile pic.

*10. If you regularly play Farmville on FB, I'm sure you're very good at it.

*11. Same with Mafia Wars

*12. You like making lists just like me, though yours are arguably more hate-filled.

*13. You are probably a good friend, provided the friend is not a white person.

*14. I see a door and some walls, so you might own your own home and that's great.

*15. You share my disdain for fishing.

Travis, I hope this helps you see that all white people are not fat, stupid, dog-loving British homosexuals. God bless and Happy Holidays.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: The Carstache

If there's one thing every American can agree on, it's that mustaches are totally boss. I mean, whose face hasn't been improved by the addition of a bushy strip of hair between the nose and lips? Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliot, Freddie Mercury, Borat, Cap'n Crunch--great men made all the greater by the facial hair they chose to sport.

But why should rugged, manly-types get all the mustaches, huh? And why should mustaches be limited to just human beings? The creators of the Carstache asked themselves that exact question for some reason. Their answer: mustaches shouldn't be exclusive to the human race! Everybody and everything should be able to experience the beauty and majesty of having a mustache, you know, except for women, because that would be totes gross. Hence, the Carstache was born.

Sure, the Carstache--quite literally a detachable mustache for the grill of your car that comes in 6 exciting colors: black, grey, blonde, orange, purple, and neon pink--will make your vehicle the talk of the town--provided nothing else of even the most miniscule importance has happened in the town you call home in the previous weeks--but will it change your life?

YES, it will make it better.

We made the Carstache® purely because we think it’s funny and it makes people smile. No other reason. When people see a Carstache® on the streets they laugh, wave, thumbs-up, fist pump, gun flex, wink wink, kiss kiss, you name it.

(Gun flex? That sounds vaguely threatening.)

Some of you will rock Carstaches on a day to day basis, and for that you are awesome. For most the Carstache® is a sensational flare piece for events and special occasions like tailgates, birthdays, bachelor parties, Bar Mitzvah’s, Father’s Day, weddings, Halloween, Cinco-de-Mustache, etc… When you drive into a tailgate with a Carstache® you get free beer, hot dogs, and high fives.

(For reals? There isn't much I wouldn't do for free beer and hot dogs. I probably wouldn't participate in a kidnapping. Probably.)

From the Hills of Hollywood to the Plains of Panama to the Alps of Awesometown, let it be known that the Carstache® is hangin' loose and ready to ride! Your car grille has been naked until now. It’s time to ‘stache up and feel the power!

So, yeah, I guess the Carstache has all the answers we've been looking for. And, hell, apparently the Carstache can help one to "channel the power of true American Legends" like Magnum PI, Hulk Hogan, and Gandalf.

You can purchase your very own Carstache right here. I suggest buying a few. One never knows which Carstache a particular situation might call for.

UPDATE: A friend on our Facebook page--by the way, are you friends with us yet?--turned us onto another "hilarious" bit of accoutrement for your motor vehicle: CarLashes, the eyelashes for your car! Now all my car needs is eyebrows, novelty nerd glasses, and eyeballs of some kind. Thanks, Internet!

Merry Christmas from your friends at GEP

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Nelson...

Stop Already: The War on Christmas

The War on Christmas is a lot like the War on Farts: totally fictional but completely hilarious. Don't get me wrong, war was declared on Christmas several years ago, but as every history buff knows, the Wal-mart Corporation claimed victory and remains to this day the guardians of affordable holiday bliss.

Unfortunately, there remain fully evolved human beings under the impression that some kind of godless jihad has been called against Jesus Christ's birthday celebration and they are prepared to make gigantic fools out of themselves to prove it. Their commander, FOX News talking head Bill O'Reilly, is leading the charge once again this year, providing proof that the War on Christmas is realer than ever in this year's Christmas letter to his fans and followers:

Once again we are in the Christmas season, and the coal-in-your-stocking crowd is back at it. This year the American Humanist Association is putting up bus ads in selected cities that say, "No god? No problem! Be good for goodness sake." The picture accompanying the text shows a group of young people wearing Santa hats. Ho, ho, ho.

A second front was launched by the virulently anti-God group "Freedom from Religion." It is celebrating Christmas in Las Vegas with ads that say, "Yes, Virginia, there is no God."

Nice.

The question is, why bother? Why spend money at Christmas time to spread dubious will among men? The reason, I believe, is that the atheists are jealous of the Yuletide season. While Christians have Jesus and Jews have the prophets, non-believers have Bill Maher. There are no atheist Christmas carols, no pagan displays of largesse like Santa Claus. In fact, for the non-believer, Christmas is just a day off, a time to consider that Mardi Gras is less than two months away.

I am endlessly baffled by the fact that while idiots like Bill O'Reilly are allowed to speak to millions of Americans on a nightly basis and publish volume after volume of hateful drivel, I'm left to wallow in obscurity writing a blog that barely anyone reads. O'Reilly is a fucking moron! He is still under the mistaken impression, and many Christians are as well, that Christmas is strictly a religious holiday. Christmas is an American holiday with tenuous ties to Christianity at best. Sure, for the religious crowd it's a time to gather together and celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus, but for millions of others it's a day to exchange gifts and eat an extravagant dinner. Christmas is for everyone who isn't Jewish, Muslim, or a Jehovah's Witness.

Before I move on, I'd like to take issue briefly with a few of O'Reilly's points.

1. OK, maybe I do agree that it is a little dubious that these atheist groups have chosen the Christmas season to unveil their latest campaign, but is the message really that bad? "Be good for goodness sake?" This phrase alone illustrates beautifully why I personally have lost all interest in religion, specifically Christianity. I can't tell you how many sermons I've sat through at my parents' church during which I've thought, "Wow, this is a really powerful message. I want to do all of these things," and then been turned off in the last five minutes when the congregation is reminded that every good thing we do in life should be done to escape the fires of Hell. Don't donate your time at a homeless shelter because it's the right thing to do. Do it because you'll get a penthouse suite and golf club membership in Heaven. I've embellished a bit, but I heard this once in church. The sermon was about a man who had wanted to give everything he could while he was alive--his time, his money, his support--to various organizations that needed assistance, no matter how big or how small. I'd never been so inspired. I spent my teenage years in church constructing filthy sexual fantasies about my girlfriend during the sermon, so this listening thing was all new to me. Then the minister had to go and mess things up with the whole "extra rewards in Heaven" bullshit. Wow. That was quite a digression. I'm sorry. All I'm trying to say is that we should be good for goodness sake.

2.) You're telling me, O'Reilly, that "Jingle Bells" is a Christian Christmas song? "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" is about the virgin birth somehow?

3.) To atheists: Is Christmas really just a day off to plan your upcoming trip to Mardi Gras? You don't call your grandma or bake cookies with your kids? You just wake up, piss on a Bible, and make a list of all the different cocktails you want to try next year?

So the War on Christmas is a farce created by FOX News to angry up conservatives. That being said, I am a big fan of the "Merry Christmas" greeting. I want people to wish me a Merry Christmas. I celebrate Christmas, so, you know, wishing me a merry one is kind of a nice thing to do. What some people forget, however, is that not everybody celebrates Christmas. There are a lot of holidays whipping around in the December wind and wishing shoppers, co-workers, and neighbors a "Happy Holidays" isn't a slap to the face of the infant Christ-child's face, but merely a way to not be presumptuous. Plus, there is nothing worse than an angry Merry Christmas. Have you seen this:

Cashier: Here's your bag, m'am. You have a Happy Holiday now.

Annoying Bitch: (angrily) And you have a Merry Christmas!

That's the holiday spirit. I had a guy at work wish me Merry Christmas so many times during a two minute conversation yesterday, I thought he was doing a bit.

Of course, substituting "holiday" for "Christmas" becomes a problem when you consider yuletide accoutrement. Referring to "Christmas trees" as "holiday trees" is probably the wrong way to go. Christmas trees are specific to Christmas, so you can probably just leave that alone. Plus, when you start selling "holiday trees" you get backlash in the form of, well, this: the CHRIST-mas tree, perhaps one of the most disturbing Christmas decorations in the history of man. Yes, celebrate the birth of Jesus by remembering his bloody, horribly death by crucifixion.
Listen, when we get hung up on the fact that the cashier at Old Navy wished us a "Happy Holidays" instead of a "Merry Christmas" and we try to steal Santa Claus away from children whose parents don't align themselves with any particular religion and we plaster city buses with atheist propaganda meant to poke at the perpetually sore ribs of a largely insufferable religious movement just to be assholes, it defeats the whole reason for the season. Now some of you may thing that's Jesus and that's fine. Others of you might believe Rankin-Bass' Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer special is the reason for the season and that too is completely acceptable. Whoever or whatever you feel is the reason for the holiday season, the holidays are a time when we can all stop with the petty bullshit and just get a long for a couple of weeks. So, can we just drop all of this War on Christmas silliness, turn off The O'Reilly Factor, and sing a few damn carols to the residents of an old folk's home, please? 2010 is just a couple of weeks away and we can all get back to hating one another soon enough. It's Christmas, can't we just...

STOP ALREADY?!?!?

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Yule Doo

Merry Christmas, everyone! The Christmas season officially dies today, but before we start making our wish lists for 2009, let's bid the holidays good night with this: the worst holiday decoration ever conceived. It's Yule Doo, the ornament that looks like dog excrement!

Now, I know what you're saying: "Matt, this is a fun novelty! I gave this to one of my co-workers at the office Christmas party and got a huge laugh. Why are you being such a Scrooge?" Why, unamed person I made up? I'll tell you why! Yule Doo shits all over Christmas, which just happens to be my very favorite holiday! That's why! It isn't amusing to give someone a hunk of shit with a ribbon tied to it. It isn't funny. It is quite literally crap. Hell, if this is how little you think of someone why don't you just find a real mound of dog shit, attach a ribbon to it, and shove it in the person's face. "Here you go, asshole! I don't respect you enough to purchase you a proper present, so here's an animal's poop. Merry Christmas. I hate you."

Well, I hope all of you had as much fun as I did checking out these truly awful holiday decorations. If you have any of these decorations in your possession, please know it was all in fun. But, seriously, I'd hide them if you've invited me over to your house this year, because I will pubically ridicule you on this very blog. Try me. I guarantee you will be verbally thrashed to within an inch of your life.

Happy Holidays, folks!

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Animated Mooning Santa

Over the past two days we've taken a look at Santa novelty items focused on things coming out of Kris Kringle's ass, so on this special day, Christmas Eve, why don't we just get the whole ass out there. Insulting your extended family and making your friends uncomfortable has never been easier! The animated mooning Santa does everything you wish you could do to people during the holiday season...if you are a sociopath! What is this fascination with Santa's ass? Farting, shitting, mooning--this is not what Santa does!

Granted, he probably does shit. And, yes, farting sort of goes hand and hand with the other thing, so, OK, he probably does those two things. But it isn't funny. And it isn't something you should prominently display in your home...unless you are retarded. If that is the case, congratulations for living on your own and bringing in enough disposable income to waste on tacky, farting Christmas decorations. While I am proud of your achievement, I do question those close to you who have allowed you to fill your home with offensive holiday trash.

Thank Baby Jesus we've only got one more day of this!

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Santa's Musical Outhouse

You've already got a Farting Santa, why not buy yourself a Shitting Santa while you're at it? Welcome to Santa's Musical Outhouse. Why is it musical, you ask? Who the hell knows. It just is.

Santa's Musical Outhouse also shakes, lights up, and features "Santa mouthing off 8 different naughty phrases." Nothing says Christmas fun like Santa talking dirty, at least not in my opinion.

You know what? If Santa's Musical Outhouse is part of your holiday decor somebody should come to your house and smash your skull in with a brick.

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Pull My Finger Santa

Here's a farting stuffed toy that understands what Christmas is all about!

"Maybe it's all those plates of milk and cookies or Mrs. Claus's special Bon Voyage Bean Soup, but Santa is bringing more than presents this year."

Oh no! Mrs. Claus's Bon Voyage Bean Soup!?! But beans make you...OH NO!!!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Lil' Stinker the Farting Teddy Bear

At first glance, Lil' Stinker the Farting Teddy Bear seems to fall into the Horrible Gift category rather than Horrible Decoration, and while that is entirely true, I think he fits here just fine. You see, the ad my wife and I received in the mail for this product seemed to suggest that the remote control farting teddy bear is at it's best when it is set up somewhere in your house (say, a shelf or a couch) and made to fart during parties and such. The ad also challenges you to keep from laughing when the bear rips one. I'm not made of stone, but I'm fairly certain I could keep a straight face if a teddy bear were to suddenly pass gas in front of me. Farts, on occasion, are hilarious, but I'm not sure that farts coming from the ass of a teddy bear make the act of farting any funnier than if anybody else were to do it. Like, I think it would be funnier to be at a party and, like, your grandfather falls asleep in the thick of things and, like, he totally farts in his sleep. That'd be funny as hell.

Also, why is Lil' Stinker the perfect gift for Father's Day? What are the creators of the remote control farting teddy bear saying about our nation's dad population? I don't want my future children to think that a perfect gift for their old man is a flatulent stuffed animal.

Oh, I'm sorry, I misread the ad. It says Lil' Stinker is the perfect gift for Farter's Day. OK. That makes complete sense.

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Hula Hoop Girl Ornament

I am so glad we didn't have this Christmas ornament on our tree when I was in middle school. I can assure you, my mother would have found it hidden under my bed on more than one occasion during the month of December.

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Santa Window Poster

IM IN UR HAUS STUFFIN UR STOCKINGS

This super fun window poster makes it appear to neighbors and passing transients as if Santa Claus is inside your house. Santa seems to be saying, "Shhhhhh! Tell anybody I'm in here and your house is next, bitch." Santa, no!

Eary Christmas Present #4

Before we created Giant Electric Penguin and made literally tens of people laugh, Jonathan and I tried our hands at sketch comedy. Today's early Christmas present is the opening credit sequence and Dance Party sketch from the first and only episode of Live Nude Mice, our 2005 sketch comedy disaster. Special thanks to Ben Snyder for shooting the thing. Also thanks to Jonathan and I for finding all of the hilarious clown pictures. Check it out right here!

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: 6 Foot Stocking

Is there a child alive who has been good enough all year long to warrant receiving a 6 foot Christmas stocking full of yueltide goodies? My initial inclination is to say no. 6 feet is a lot of room in which to jam pack candy and trinkets. Frankly, the idea of 6 foot stocking is ridiculous. What next? An 8 foot stocking?

BOO-YAH! Take that, bitch! Hell yeah! There's a new sheriff in town, baby, and it's the 8 foot stocking! That's 2 more feet of cheap toys and off-brand candy. That little boy can't even reach the top of that damn thing! He can try, but he will fail. Let's hear it for novelty stockings!

25 Days of Horrible Holiday Decorations: Pop Art Holiday Toaster

Christmas Morning, 2008:

Uncle Jerry: Here you go, Stu. Merry Christmas.

Stu: Thanks, Uncle Jerry! You shouldn't have. I wonder what it is? Oh, hey, a toaster. Look, honey, Uncle Jerry got us a toaster.

Uncle Jerry: It's a Pop Art Holiday Toaster from Sky Mall.

Stu: Oh...yeah? What does that, um, mean?

Uncle Jerry: Well, you can make toast with Christmas pictures on it.

Stu: Christmas pictures?

Uncle Jerry: Yeah, like Santa and Frosty. I think there's a stocking in there.

Stu: Then after Christmas, what do you do with it? Can you set it not to make toast with Christmas pictures on it?

Uncle Jerry: Nah. You probably just want to pack it away in the attic with all the other Christmas stuff.

Stu: Oh. Well, that's stupid.

Uncle Jerry: It really, really is. Got any vodka? I wanna refill this flask before I head over to my mother's house.

Toys That Time Forgot: Baby Doll Edition

What happened to toys, man? Maybe it's just that I'm older, but I can't remember the last time I saw a toy commercial on television. To be fair, I can't remember the last time I actually saw a commercial at all (God bless you, DVR).  And true, I don't watch much Saturday morning TV, mostly because I like cartoons and there don't seem to be many good ones on anymore. When I was a kid we had some truly awesome cartoons (The Real Ghostbusters, Rude Dog and the Dweebs, Gummi Bears) and tons of colorful commercials for everything from sugary novelty cereals to dolls who shat themselves. It was a glorious time to be alive, young, and totally spoiled. Kids today have video games and weed. We had Transformers and Picture Pages! We had the Care Bears and The Smurfs. Today: Bratz. 'Nuff said?

That isn't to say that every toy from the 80's was a winner. Most toys then were just as frivolous a waste of money as toys are now. What set our toys apart though was the weirdness factor. The sheer lunacy on display in the dolls we're featuring today is mind-boggling. Like, who the fuck came up with Baby Dolly Surprise? Insanity! And Baby Skates? Really? Hey, kids, want to watch a doll roller skate? No, no...you're not going to roller skate alongside her or nothing. You're just going to sit on your ass and watch a doll engage in physical activity. Here, have a Twinkie. Sugar makes everything more fun.

1. Little Miss Makeup/Little Miss Dress Up: Little Miss Make Up went from starry-eyed innocent to brazen whore with just a couple splashes of cold water, from Mommy's Wittle Sweetheart to a painted hussy in mere seconds.  What kind of message is being sent by Little Miss Makeup?  I'm not exactly sure, but I know it's bad.  Little Miss Dress Up is less sinister, but equally dumb.  I'm pretty sure my sister had both of these dolls.  Kind of explains why she turned out they way she did.  Ooooh, snap!

2. Jill the Talking Doll: I do not remember Jill and if you've watched the above commercial you already know she's hard to forget.  She's friggin' creepy.  And what's her claim to fame?  Well, it's right in her ear-splitting theme song: "I can move my head and arms real well/cuz I'm a lot like you, a lot like you."  A lot like me?  You can move your head and arms better than most dolls, I'll give you that, but you're not nearly as good at it as I am.  Most people don't flail their arms wildly when speaking.  That's a dead giveaway that you aren't a human being, Jill.  Also, Jill claims to be smart just like us.  Funny, I don't need a cassette tape jammed inside my body in order to have a conversation.

3. Baby Secrets: Baby Secrets came on the scene during a time in American history when gay and lesbian relationships were frowned upon, making it necessary for her to keep her love for young girls a secret, to be a "secret friend."  This was hard on Baby Secrets who shot herself in the head in 1995 after a coke binge.  It's a damn shame when love has to be whispered rather than loudly proclaimed upon the mountaintops.  These days Baby Secrets could have her own syndicated chat show.  GEP salutes Baby Secrets and her valiant struggle.  We only wish she was still around to see how truly progressive society has become when it comes to homosexuality, especially in California.

4. Baby Dolly Surprise: I think YouTube user copyright1982 said it best when he suggested that it appears that Baby Dolly Surprise is "pooping hair from the top of her head."  Sure, this commercial features Lil Kirsten Dunst, but that isn't enough to distract from the whole head pooping thing Baby Dolly Surprise has going on.  The most surprising thing about Baby Dolly Surprise is that she is a baby with a full head of luxurious hair.

5. Baby Skates: Even old men are wowed by Baby Skates.  "We showed 'em, Baby Skates," a little girl says at the end of the ad.  How and what did you show them and who exactly did you show?  If you mean you showed me a doll that sort of looks like she's roller skating, then, yes, you showed me.  But there is a tone to the girl's voice that leads me to believe she means something different, like she and the doll have something to prove.  "We showed those unbelievers a thing or two, didn't we, Baby Skates?  They'll think twice about fucking with us in the future."  The Baby Skates theme song admits that Baby Skates herself is a known show-off. Baby Skates is kind of a bitch.

6. My Buddy: Not forgotten, but a classic crappy doll.  An inspiration for both good times and nightmares, My Buddy is truly an American original...that I hope never again becomes popular.