That isn't to say that every toy from the 80's was a winner. Most toys then were just as frivolous a waste of money as toys are now. What set our toys apart though was the weirdness factor. The sheer lunacy on display in the dolls we're featuring today is mind-boggling. Like, who the fuck came up with Baby Dolly Surprise? Insanity! And Baby Skates? Really? Hey, kids, want to watch a doll roller skate? No, no...you're not going to roller skate alongside her or nothing. You're just going to sit on your ass and watch a doll engage in physical activity. Here, have a Twinkie. Sugar makes everything more fun.
1. Little Miss Makeup/Little Miss Dress Up: Little Miss Make Up went from starry-eyed innocent to brazen whore with just a couple splashes of cold water, from Mommy's Wittle Sweetheart to a painted hussy in mere seconds. What kind of message is being sent by Little Miss Makeup? I'm not exactly sure, but I know it's bad. Little Miss Dress Up is less sinister, but equally dumb. I'm pretty sure my sister had both of these dolls. Kind of explains why she turned out they way she did. Ooooh, snap!
2. Jill the Talking Doll: I do not remember Jill and if you've watched the above commercial you already know she's hard to forget. She's friggin' creepy. And what's her claim to fame? Well, it's right in her ear-splitting theme song: "I can move my head and arms real well/cuz I'm a lot like you, a lot like you." A lot like me? You can move your head and arms better than most dolls, I'll give you that, but you're not nearly as good at it as I am. Most people don't flail their arms wildly when speaking. That's a dead giveaway that you aren't a human being, Jill. Also, Jill claims to be smart just like us. Funny, I don't need a cassette tape jammed inside my body in order to have a conversation.
3. Baby Secrets: Baby Secrets came on the scene during a time in American history when gay and lesbian relationships were frowned upon, making it necessary for her to keep her love for young girls a secret, to be a "secret friend." This was hard on Baby Secrets who shot herself in the head in 1995 after a coke binge. It's a damn shame when love has to be whispered rather than loudly proclaimed upon the mountaintops. These days Baby Secrets could have her own syndicated chat show. GEP salutes Baby Secrets and her valiant struggle. We only wish she was still around to see how truly progressive society has become when it comes to homosexuality, especially in California.
4. Baby Dolly Surprise: I think YouTube user copyright1982 said it best when he suggested that it appears that Baby Dolly Surprise is "pooping hair from the top of her head." Sure, this commercial features Lil Kirsten Dunst, but that isn't enough to distract from the whole head pooping thing Baby Dolly Surprise has going on. The most surprising thing about Baby Dolly Surprise is that she is a baby with a full head of luxurious hair.
5. Baby Skates: Even old men are wowed by Baby Skates. "We showed 'em, Baby Skates," a little girl says at the end of the ad. How and what did you show them and who exactly did you show? If you mean you showed me a doll that sort of looks like she's roller skating, then, yes, you showed me. But there is a tone to the girl's voice that leads me to believe she means something different, like she and the doll have something to prove. "We showed those unbelievers a thing or two, didn't we, Baby Skates? They'll think twice about fucking with us in the future." The Baby Skates theme song admits that Baby Skates herself is a known show-off. Baby Skates is kind of a bitch.
