Bullies

Nobody likes a bully, especially now that the anti-bullying sentiment has reached a fever pitch in the US.  I used to gently mock the anti-bullying crowd. Where were they when I was in middle school and my nerdy friends were getting picked on and pushed around?  Bullying wasn't a big enough deal back then, I guess, and that's probably why my attitude toward the anti-bullying contingent was largely dismissive. Obviously, I wasn't pro-bully--bullies can eat shit--but I carried with me the attitude from my school days: if someone is hassling you, put your head down and move along.  We didn't have the It Gets Better campaign, but I had an inkling that one day I wouldn't have to deal with fat-headed dopes tossing snack cake wrappers into my open locker (that happened, people, and it haunts me to this day).

Then kids started killing themselves.  Maybe that's always been going on, but I'd never heard about it.  And, yeah, I'm a dad now, so, you know, I kinda get it. I don't want my daughter to be bullied when she starts school in five years or so.  I don't want Q to be taunted and teased to the point where she feels the only option is to end her own life.  She's only 10-months-old right now, but time flies.  Did you know we just "celebrated" the one year anniversary of Osama Bin Laden's assassination?  A year has passed! We're we ever so young?  But, yeah, Q will be school-aged in no time and, as a parent, I'm a little nervous about what is waiting for her when she gets off of the bus.  From what I hear though, Q is a bit of a bully at day care.  She and this other girl always fight over the same Fisher-Price telephone toy, and Q usually wins.  Apparently there are three identical Fisher-Price telephones to choose from, but they both want the one.  Babies, right?  They're so dumb.

If you live in North Carolina, like I do, you know that on May 8, our state's citizenry has the opportunity to vote for or against Amendment One, a "measure [that] would define marriage in the state constitution as between one man and one woman, and would ban any other type of "domestic legal union" such as civil unions and domestic partnerships."  Keep in mind, gay marriage is already illegal in NC, so Amendment One would just make sure that this bigotry would make it into the constitution.

I don't get very political or whatever on this blog, mostly because I don't follow politics that closely, but I thought it important to share my views on this issue. We here at Giant Electric Penguin are totally AGAINST this thing.  In fact, I've already early voted against Amendment One.  For me, this isn't a political issue.  This is all about basic human rights, and if you are for the continued denying of equal rights for every citizen of not only this state but the entire country, you, my friend, are a fossil and you need to get out of the way of progress.  Quite simply, if you are for Amendment One, you are a bully. Yeah, I said.  That was going to be the title of this piece originally, but I toned it down to suck people in before I hammered 'em with the truth.  POW!

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, I just wasn't sure if I could be coherent and concise.  It's probably been pretty rambly up to this point, but that's OK. So, anyway, I wasn't sure where to go with the essay, when something glorious happened.  Sean Harris happened.

I think everyone knows who Sean Harris is by now, but if you don't, here's a quick recap of his recent actions.  Harris is a pastor in Fayetteville, NC, and during a recent sermon, he advocated the beating of male children who act effeminate and the berating of female children who have the audacity to play sports.  For real.  You can listen to it right now:





Harris has since said he was joking around.  I thought jokes were supposed to be funny.  Also, I'm pretty certain at least some of the congregation didn't know you were doing a stand-up act, Pastor Harris.  Members of Harris' flock can be heard shouting "amen" after the pastor advocates knocking your kid around. For people who don't know, Christians will often audibly utter the word "amen" during a Sunday morning sermon when they agree with what the pastor is saying.  So, Pastor Harris is a bully--and in the most classic sense, since he is so gleefully reveling in acts of physical violence--and every churchgoer who agrees with him by offering up a hearty "amen" is a bully too.


And I don't want to unfairly stick it to Christians because I'm sure there are some of them who are against Amendment One--in fact, I know there are, because I know plenty of Christians--but, c'mon, the majority of these bullies who want Amendment One to pass are members of the Christian religion, right? I'm not wrong on that, right?  You don't have to answer that question, because I know I'm right. The Bible keeps coming up in these TV ads I see and that's a Christian's guidebook for everyday living, if I'm not mistaken.





This commercial is despicable on so many levels, but I'm struck by the fact that Vote FOR Marriage NC believes that because the Bible apparently says something about marriage being reserved exclusively for one penis and one vagina, that I should care.  The Bible isn't the governing document of our country.  Why does it even show up in this ad?  It is utterly irrelevant.  But I'm getting off track.  This is an essay about bullies.  Well, here's another bully for you.  Perhaps you two have already met.  His name...


Billy Graham.  You know, that 93-year-old evangelist your parents totally love. This weekend, 14 different NC newspapers will run a full page ad in which Billy Graham bullies his fans into voting for Amendment One.  Really, Billy?  Why don't you take a break.  You're 93.  You've lived a full life.  Go fishing.  Play checkers with your grandkids.  Putter around in the garage all morning.


Listen, I don't know what you're going to do on May 8.  Maybe you'll vote for Amendment One, maybe you'll vote against it.  Maybe you won't vote at all because you've got some annoying political views that nobody understands or cares about.  Whatever.  This is about human rights.  You're either for them or against them.  It's pretty simple as far as I'm concerned.  Just because, as the commercial states, 30 other states already have marriage amendments in their constitutions, doesn't mean North Carolina has to do it.  Don't be bullied by these people.  Don't be bullied by me.  Just do the right thing.

Gone Fishin'

The family and I are taking a little vacation this week, so there won't be any posts for a little bit. Don't worry, GEP will be back with all new material next week, but this week, well, I need a break. You see, life can be stressful and annoying, and sometimes the only way to right oneself again is to pack up the car, drive to New Jersey, and consume as many Wawa Shortis as possible in the span of four days.

While I'm gone, please enjoy this exciting clip from the 1989 film No Holds Barred. Marvel at the sheer brutality of a Hulk Hogan unchained! Stare awestruck at the greatest fight choreography ever committed to film! Witness the most shameful line reading in movie history (FYI: It's at the 2:00 mark)! I'll see you guys next week. Have a nice vacation, me.

Mike Tyson: America's Tone Setter

A lot of people have e-mailed me privately to ask, "Hey, Matt, why hasn't GEP weighed in on the Trayvon Martin thing yet?" Well, first of all, is Snooki involved in any way, because if she isn't, I probably don't have much to say about it on this particular Web site. And second of all, why should I say anything when Mike Tyson summed up my feelings--and I assume yours, dear readers--in an interview with Yahoo News this week:

"My personal feeling is that, as a young kid that was beat on by a bully, that was pretty much singled out—the guy [Zimmerman] stalked him, didn't follow instructions from a superior officer, when they said, 'Stop following the kid.' That tells you everything right there. But my all-around perspective, I wasn't there, I don't know what happened. But it's just so widespread and overt what happened. Even though this is the best country in the world, certain laws in this country are a disgrace to a nation of savages. It's a majority versus a minority. That's the way God planned it. He didn't want to do something about it, He wanted us to do something about it. And if we don't, it's gonna stay this way. We have to continue tweeting, we have to continue marching, we have to continue fighting for Trayvon Martin. If that's not the case, he was killed in vain, and we're just waiting for it to happen to our children. He'll have gotten away with impunity. It's a disgrace that man hasn't been dragged out of his house and tied to a car and taken away. That's the only kind of retribution that people like that understand. It's a disgrace that man hasn't been shot yet. Forget about him being arrested--the fact that he hasn't been shot yet is a disgrace. That's how I feel personally about it."

Mike Tyson always says what everybody's thinking and that's why he's such a national treasure.

I'm actually being a little facetious, for you first time readers. I do that quite often, sometimes to humorous effect. Certainly I think George Zimmerman needs to answer for his senseless crime, but as far as it being a "disgrace" that he hasn't yet been shot and killed himself or dragged behind a vehicle for an extended period of time, I'm not so sure. I'm actually quite proud of the American public for keeping their emotions in check and not resorting to more senseless, stupid acts of aggression.

I guess the reason I'm highlighting Tyson's thoughts on this story is twofold. First of all, why is Mike Tyson ever asked his opinion on anything? He's a violent weirdo with a rapey past, right? Sure, he talks funny and loves pigeons and he sang that Phil Collins song in The Hangover, but he's still mostly a creep. Right? I mean, who cares what a funny-talking, punchy creep has to say about the latest news stories? I don't.

Secondly, this story isn't shocking to anyone, is it? Mike Tyson saying something crazy? I'm sure this happens a lot more than we even know. The entire rambling statement, with its pseudo-religious gobbledygook at the front and its call for violent retribution on the back end, makes little to no sense. Read it again. Slowly. Brain hurt yet?

In summation, Mike Tyson shouldn't be asked about anything other than boxing, pigeons, and what human flesh tastes like. He shouldn't be allowed to talk about anything else, especially hot button news stories. Or tattoos.

Hunger Games sold out? What's a person to do this weekend?

So, every showing of The Hunger Games is sold out at your local multiplex, huh? I know it seems like the end of the world, but I promise it isn't. The Hunger Games will be there for you next weekend. Of course, by that time, everyone in the know will have already seen it, discussed it, purchased and listened to the soundtrack thirty or fifty times, ordered their very own Katniss Everdeen throw pillow to snuggle with at night, and probably seen it a second or third time, but, whatever, you chose to wait. Like a chump.

But, OK, fine, you're not going to see The Hunger Games this weekend. You'll live (if you call that living...). I don't get to see it this weekend either. Think I'm crying about? No way! I mean, I did, earlier, but now I'm kinda all cried out and ready to find some alternate activities to fill my weekend with meaning. After all, what's a weekend without activities? Answer: a pretty good weekend. What's so great about activities?

Anyway, here are some things you can do this weekend if you failed to purchase advance tickets to the only movie that has ever mattered in the history of movies.*

1. Crack a book for once in your life!--You do know The Hunger Games is based on a popular series of books, right? Why not visit your local public library this weekend and check out a book or two. They don't have popcorn at the library--that would be sooooo great!!!--but they do have books. Lots of 'em! I'm a voracious reader myself. For instance, right now I'm reading two books: Philip K Dick's The Transmigration of Timothy Archer and Kitty Kelley's The Family, the unauthorized biography of the Bush Dynasty. I'm not saying you have to read either one of these, even though they are both pretty good, just find something you might like and read it. Or read to your kid. Or read a magazine. Or read this blog! Just read something!

2. Go see something else!--There are other movies you can see this weekend, you know. Like this one:



Yes, October Baby, the film The AV Club so expertly describes as being "no less than a pro-life revenge fantasy." As you probably couldn't really tell from the trailer, October Baby tells the story of a young woman whose birth mother tried to have her aborted unsuccessfully. This failed abortion attempt led to the girl's premature birth and adoption by, I'm gonna guess, a family of diehard, pro-life, right-wing Christian folks. The film follows the aforementioned abortion survivor's quest to find the birth mother that tried to have her snuffed out. And, hey, she gets a little help from A Different World's Whitley along the way.

This is not a horror movie. This is a film premise that enough misguided people believed in to get it written, directed, and paid for. What does Hannah, the aborted, stand to gain from meeting the mother who never wanted her? What is meeting the baby she tried to abort going to do to that mother? Pro-life or pro-choice: nobody loves the idea of dead babies. But Hannah doesn't know why her birth mother chose the abortion route, I don't think. Do they tell adopted kids that story? Ick, I hope not. This is awful. Don't see this. Maybe this though:



I've heard this is awesome. Let's go tonight. You guys in?

3. Stay in and watch a movie--If you aren't one of the rats that have abandoned the slowly sinking ship that is Netflix, why not check out 2009's Gamer on instant view. Like The Hunger Games, Gamer takes place in a futuristic world that kinda sucks, where individuals are forced to kill (or hump) one another for the amusement of the masses. Unlike The Hunger Games, it's full of tits and blood. And it's from the team that brought you the Crank series, so you know it's going to be at least a little fun. And it'll probably make you throw up in your mouth. GEP approved! [Watch the trailer here.]

4. Get your house ready to put on the market--That's what I'm doing this weekend. Fun.

5. Spend some quality time with your family--You want to spend your entire weekend sitting in the dark staring at a giant screen? I don't. I want to play Little People with my daughter. I want to discuss the most recent episode of 30 Rock with my wife. I want to take my cat to Monkey Joe's (don't tell him--it's a surprise). In a nutshell, I wanna do family shit. You should too.

6. Beg someone for their Hunger Games tickets--Sexual favors will probably yield the most positive results.






*I don't really think that, but I am excited.

BLANK meets BLANK: 17 Movie Pitches Too Insipid Even For Hollywood (Prolly)

I could write something super reactionary and bloggy here and be all, like, "Hollywood doesn't make good movies anymore. All they do is crank out sequels, reboots, and remakes, and every single one of them sucks mud!" I could write that, but I won't. This sentiment has been shared before, by bloggers sloppier and more unshaven than I. Also, it's simply not true. Plenty of good movies pop up here and there every year, you've just got to know where to look and, I guess, have the desire to want to seek them out. The sad truth is, as long as the majority of the moviegoing public wants sparkly vampires, warring space robots, and inexplicable actioners based on board games, that's what we're going to get. Vote with your dollar. Blah blah blah.

Anyway, instead of complaining about the state of modern moviedom on a blog three people read (thanks, you three!!!), GEP has decided to take action against Hollywood's perceived unwillingness to try anything new and exciting. No, we're not going to pitch our best movie ideas--those will go with us to the mass grave our future robot overlords toss us into when the inevitable robo-takeover commences. Our plan is to pitch ideas so utterly inane, that the studios will have no choice but to go, "Wait, is this really what we're doing now? A fourth Transformers? This blog's snark has inspired me to try harder. To do better." Or something.

Our pitches will be laid out in the classic style of "[INSERT MOVIE HERE] meets [INSERT DIFFERENT MOVIE HERE], because it is easy.

For the record, the "Whatever-the-hell meets Whatever-the-shit" thing never works. I was recently telling a friend about my #2 favorite movie of 2011 Hanna and described it--against my better judgement, mind you--as "art house meets the Bourne movies." I don't know what I was thinking, OK? Stop judging me. The moment I said it, my friend made a frowny face and I knew I had failed. So, yeah.

So, listen up, Hollywood! We got some pitches for ya. Remember: you are NOT to make any of the movies on this list. I repeat, you are NOT to make any of these movies. If you do, however, how 'bout tossing a couple million bucks GEP's way?

1. Die Hard meets Flatliners
2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? meets Schindler's List
3. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets The Thing
4. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan meets Everyone Says I Love You
5. Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer meets Irreversible
4. Donnie Darko meets Sleepless in Seattle
5. Snakes on a Plane meets Paul Blart: Mall Cop (that might not be that bad actually)
6. Meet the Parents meets Meet the Feebles
7. My Left Foot meets Jackass: The Movie
8. Toy Story meets Seven
9. Crank 2 meets Dancer in the Dark
10. Godzilla meets Winter's Bone (I might see that one)
11. Surviving the Game meets American Beauty
12. Sophie's Choice meets The Pit
13. The Bourne Identity meets Somewhere in Time
14. Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation meets Hostel 2
15. The Day the Earth Stood Still meets Love Actually
16. Dawn of the Dead meets Serendipity
17. Humanoids from the Deep meets Valentine's Day

STFU, People Who Somehow Don't Get it!

I love it when readers comment on the blog. It happens so rarely, that I when I do receive a comment notification, after giggling like a schoolgirl for five minutes straight, I immediately comment back. I like it when something from of my own brain compels--dare I suggest, inspires?--someone to take a few moments to share their own opinions.

Like I said, I love comments, but I'm not a huge fan of anonymous comments. I'll take them, mind you, but there's a certain amount of cowardice behind anonymously commenting on the internet. If you have something to say, say it. Own it. Here at GEP, you are allowed to speak/type your mind, in fact, I invite it. If I disagree with your opinion, I have no qualms about poking your argument full of holes, but I will always be nice about it, because I'm all about gathering more and more regular readers, cultivating an audience of people who share my love/hate relationship with all realms of pop culture.

So, there it is, I love comments, both signed and unsigned. What chaffs my hide--that's a thing nobody says, right?--are individuals who swing by the blog and comment on something without any knowledge of what I'm trying to do here. I'm not sure if you realize this, but Giant Electric Penguin is primarily a comedy blog, at least, I like to think it is. I like to believe I know my way around a joke, pun, or clever turn of phrase. I think my snarky take on Melrose Place has a place on the internet. I'm not trying to change the world, I'm just here to bang out ha-has on my keyboard and shoot them off into the ether. I'm rarely serious here, unless I'm attacking religion or posting videos of songs I despise. I'm fairly certain most people understand this site if they spend any significant amount of time here, which research shows most people do not. Every once in awhile though, I get a comment from someone, anonymous or not, who just doesn't get it. Like this one, on a piece I wrote about a yearbook staff refusing to include a girl's "racy" senior picture in their 2012 edition:

"Award-winning yearbook? What the hell kind of weird organization hands out awards to high school yearbooks?" If you had done any research, you would have found such organizations. Check out, Columbia Scholastic Press Association,held by Columbia University and the administrator of the Pulitzer Prize. There are nominations, standards, and voting. Whether you believe it or not, yearbook is a journalistic endeavor, and the yearbook staff was right for refusing to print Spies, near porn photo.

Before I proceed to tell this dimwit...I'm sorry...valued reader to kindly STFU today, here's how I responded at the time:

You got me. I did the least amount of research required.

I do not, however, believe a yearbook is a journalistic endeavor, but I'm glad you are passionate about something. People need to find things they love and do them. Like me and writing humorous articles about dumb stories like this with the minimum amount of research required.

Also: you're not suggesting that the Columbia Scholastic Press Association award is anything akin to the Pulitzer Prize, are you?

Not too mean, right? I stated my opinion, but also validated this anonymous individual's love of yearbooking. The truth is, I did do a little bit of research, but, admittedly, not enough...FOR A REPUTABLE NEWS WEBSITE! I run a dinky little Blogspot blog here, madam or sir. If you are getting your news from GEP, um, you're super dumb? Not doing the proper amount of research and not knowing about the Columbia Scholastic Blah Blah Thing worked to my advantage, because my intention was to poke fun at yearbook staff nerds--and I did time on a yearbook staff, so I know of what I speak--not write a dissertation on the proud history of yearbook awards.

Also: If you think Ms. Spies photo is "near porn," you have obviously never seen porn. And neither have I, Mom. I swear.

Here's another clueless comment from another STFU post about a weird atheist Christmas display on a courthouse lawn in Virginia, this time from an actual person, named Brian Westley, whose own blog, pacifistundeadpriest.blogspot.com, I admittedly don't really understand:

No. [I assume this is because Mr. Westley is an atheist and he refuses to STFU. Fair enough.]

Too damn bad for you, eh?

Love that first amendment.

My response:

I feel like you've only read this post and none of the other posts on this site. I invite you to read more. We're just a bunch of jokesters over here. You'll get it.

I too love the first amendment. That should be pretty obvious.

Thanks for reading!

My goal in writing this piece was to point out how stupid the atheist Christmas display was, not to say they shouldn't have done it. I mean, they shouldn't have done it, but only because it was unfocused, nonsensical, and totally hackneyed, all at the same time. The religious, the non-religious, and the anti-religious can put up whatever dumb display they want on whatever dumb lawn they want. And if I find out about it and do, in fact, decide that it is super lame, I will tell those people to, simply, STFU. In this case, my STFU should be read as "try harder." A skeletal Santa Claus hanging on a cross means nothing. Less than nothing. It is simply Christian-baiting and, therefore, not in any way helpful to whatever your cause is. But Westley's right, people do have the first amendment right to act like dumb assholes. Maybe I should just shut the eff up.

Look, keep (or start) commenting everybody, but try to understand what I'm trying to do over here a little first. OK? Can we all agree to do that. Let me give you an example of the kind of comments I'm looking for. Here's one from my 2009 review of Disney's The Little Mermaid that someone posted earlier this week:

Viagra said...
This is such a wonderful movie!

See? It's just that simple. A nice, non-anonymous comment from a brand I trust. Now that's good commentin'!

This Means Sweeping Government Reform

I've got a real problem with the new film This Means War. And it's not because it looks dumb or because I'm not very fond of Reese Witherspoon or because the two male leads seem super bland or because I don't find Chelsea Handler particularly funny or because it's currently got a 27% on RottenTomatoes. No, my problem is with the premise itself:

The world's deadliest CIA operatives are inseparable partners and best friends until they fall for the same woman. Having once helped bring down entire enemy nations, they are now employing their incomparable skills and an endless array of high-tech gadgetry against their greatest nemesis ever - each other. (RottenTomatoes)

"Endless array of high-tech gadgetry," huh? And who's footing the bill for all this tech exactly? That's right: the American taxpayer. Is that what you're doing with all my money, President Obama? I'm breaking my back day in and day out at a job I mostly hate and paying my taxes on time and in full, so two sex-starved dipshits can ruin each other's dates with some chick Zack and Slater-style? Shenanigans!

How in the world can anybody find this concept entertaining? I'm serious. These two CIA buddies-turned-romantic-rivals are spending massive amounts of time and money not monitoring terrorist cells, but spying on Reese Witherspoon. That isn't funny. It's infuriating.

Also, I don't find Chelsea Handler particularly funny.

Catching Up with Rachel Dratch

So, what's former SNL cast member Rachel Dratch been up to lately? Apparently this:



And this:



Yes, Rachel Dratch has been driven insane by fried pickles. I'm not surprised really. Fried pickles possess an eerie power that has been known to effortlessly fracture even the strongest human mind. Let's all pray Rachel Dratch gets the help she needs in dealing with this fried pickle obsession she has developed. Come back to us, Rachel. Come back...

IT'S 2012!

HAPPY

NEW

YEAR!!!!!

1...

HOPPY NEW YEAR!

2...

SNACKY NEW YEAR!

3...

CRAPPY NEW YEAR!

4...

NAPPY NEW YEAR!

5...

SAPPY NEW YEAR!

Perving Out: Thanksgiving After Dark

Thanksgiving is a time when cartoon dogs dressed as pilgrims and slutty, stripper-types dressed as sexy Native Americans can come together and participate in a weird, kinky First Thanksgiving-themed orgy of some kind. Happy Thanksgiving, perverts.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time when cows and Alaskan huskies can come together, don pilgrim costumes, and stand together in thankfulness. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

11 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Christopher Columbus

1. Columbus was bald, so he often wore a wig. This wig was almost always COVERED IN LICE and smelled like a burlap sack full of CHEAP WET CIGARS.

2. Before becoming an explorer, Columbus was a notorious pirate. He was quite adept at pillaging, stabbing, and raping, but always ending each horrific act of violence with a polite "BEG YOUR PARDON."

3. Columbus housed his EXTENSIVE PORN COLLECTION in the hull of the Santa Maria and was devastated when said ship was lost at sea on Christmas Day, 1492. His favorite piece: A TAPESTRY OF ISABELLA GIVING IT TO FERDINAND FROM BEHIND WITH A WOODEN STRAP-ON DEVICE.

4. Columbus introduced HORSES, SMALLPOX, AND NOISE POP to the New World.

5. Columbus loved pizza. His favorite toppings: ANCHOVIES, ARTICHOKE HEARTS, AND SOMETHING HE CALLED "INJUN FINGERS."

6. Columbus's favorite Captain Beefheart album was Lick My Decals Off, Baby, but he told friends that it was TROUT MASK REPLICA.

7. During an initial meeting with the native people of a particular place he'd discovered, Columbus was known to repeat the phrase "COME AT ME, BRO." Sometimes for HOURS AT A TIME.

8. Columbus owned several NOVELTY T-SHIRTS. His crew was encouraged to compliment Columbus whenever a new one was donned. Columbus would sometimes change shirts up to 8 TIMES A DAY.

9. In his twilight years, Christopher Columbus became extremely religious and FOUNDED SEVERAL MEGACHURCHES thoroughout Europe.

10. Columbus thought MEAN PEOPLE SUCKED.

11. Columbus is a regular guest on the Opie and Anthony radio program. His favorite topics of discussion: GLOBAL EXPLORATION, IMMIGRATION, AND AMERICAN IDOL.

Nipple Slips, Full Moons and Beaver Shots, Oh My: Sexy Mysteries Exposed

Last week, some piece of human garbage (see also "hero worthy of endless praise") hacked Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted the nude pictures of the gorgeous starlet contained within. It was a heinous invasion of privacy, and as such, I refuse to post said pictures on this site. I am however not above providing a link to them. Here is the link. (That probably ain't gonna be around long, folks, but chances are you've seen the pics already. Good for you. Sickos.)

When I heard that photos of a naked ScarJo had miraculously found their way onto the internets, I was pretty excited. Call me a perv, but I likes me the pretty ladies, and Johansson is about as pretty as they come. I hadn't been this excited since I heard rumors of a Paige Davis sex tape. I'm not kidding.

Since the beginning of time, mankind has longed to see naked pictures of their betters. Don't believe me? Crack a history book for once in your life, dummy! I've long considered the peeping of ill-gotten celebrity nude pics, sex tapes, and forgotten Playboy spreads as America's true national past time. Forget baseball! I'd rather search the Web for pictures of Helen Mirren in Caligula or Mena Suvari pumping gas in her yoga pants. Those two examples, and many others I could sight but won't because I don't feel like, are easy to find. Don't believe me? Do a Google image search for "mena suvari in yoga pants." I can wait.

The pics we really want to see are the ones we've only heard about second hand, usually from a person who heard it second from some other creep. These are the holy grails of sex pics. Over the years it has become my personal goal to find these long rumored pictures and videos, and add them to my creepy, creepy archives (For reals. They are creepy. Ask anyone.). Here is a list of just a few of the rumored pornographic memorabilias I am looking for. If you've got a lead on any of them, let me know. I'd pay top dollar. Or just steal them from you at gunpoint. Probably the latter, if I'm being honest. OK. Here's the list:

-the Estelle Getty gangbang tape

-Jason Bigg's audition tape for Puppetry of the Penis

-Louie Anderson taint slip at the Bebe's Kids premiere

-the Kevin Smith/Katy Bates sex tape

-Oprah Winfrey scrotum slip at The Brady Bunch Movie premiere

-the Gilbert Gottfried Makes Love to a Futon video

-Barney the Dinosaur nip slip

-Gort dick pic

-the George Lopez Pleasures Himself to an Episode of Empty Nest tape

-Lady Gaga triple tit slip

Suck It, Irene!

We survived Hurricane Irene! In fact, seems all you needed to survive her, in Raleigh, the headquarters of Giant Electric Penguin Industries, was an umbrella and a basic understanding of the concept of "staying inside." The worst hurricane damage we experienced was a few downed branches. And there are leaves strewn all over my kitchen. I'm gonna have to bend over to pick those up, people, and that is annoying. I guess there are people throughout the state dealing with power outages and flooding, so maybe picking leaves off of the linoleum doesn't seem so bad. I don't know. Still sucks to me.

Anyway, Irene did what hurricanes do and, per usual, local and cable news lost its collective mind. I spent most of yesterday flipping from CNN to Fox News to MSNBC to my local ABC affliate, attempting to soak in as much hurricane coverage as humanly possible. I wanted to know what to expect when Irene came knocking at my door. I wanted an update on the situation in the Outer Banks. What was Baltimore in for? Could this really be the storm to end all storms? Was God unleashing his wrath upon New York City because gay dudes can legally get married there now? This was the information I craved. Sadly, what I got, was a lot of miserable reporters in yellow rain slickers standing near piers and pointing at waves.

Eventually I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down the different captions or headlines or whatever you call them that various stations used to "set the mood" if you will, and I thought I'd share a few of my favorites right here. Needless to say, I think they went a little overboard.

-HURRICANE WATCH 2011: ARE YOU PREPARED, DUMMY? (MSNBC)

-HURRICANE IRENE: IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE ALREADY DEAD? (Fox News)

-OBAMA TO IRENE: "I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA" (CNN)

-HAROLD CAMPING WAS RIGHT! (CNN)

-IRENE COULD BE "LIKE TEN KATRINAS" OR "NOT THAT BAD" SAYS EXPERT (Fox News)

-HURRICANE IRENE: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (The Weather Channel)

-KATRINA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (CNBC)

Take care of yourselves, New York City. Stay dry and not dead. You guys'll be all right. C'mon! You're New Yorkers!

Stay tuned to GEP for the latest weather updates.*

*There will be no further weather updates.

The Giving (Me A Boner) Tree

A 13th-century fresco of a tree discovered in the city of Massa Marittima in 2000 was defaced this month, when twenty-five penises and ball-bags were cruelly and thoughtlessly painted over. The fresco, known as The Tree of Fertility (or Tree of Dicks), was undergoing a much needed restoration, but when townspeople got a glimpse of the finished product, they were less than excited. You could say that the restoration efforts left them flaccid.



"What happened to all the cocks?" remarked Gabriele Galeotti, a town official, upon seeing the finished product. "It's just a tree without the cocks on it now. And the balls. Oh, God, they painted over the balls too? This sucks."



He didn't actually say any of that, but he implied as much:



"Many parts of the work seem to have been arbitrarily repainted," said Gabriele Galeotti, a town councillor who has called for an investigation after seeing the finished work.



"The authenticity of the fresco seems to have been compromised by a restoration effort that did not respect the original character of the work."



You better believe it's been compromised! What interest would a bunch of ladies have in a boring old tree without dicks on it? If I know one thing it's women, and women want trees covered in huge, veiny dongs!



The penis-hating members of the restoration committee see things differently:



"The restoration in no way radically modified the original features," said Mario Scalini, the head of heritage and arts for the local province of Siena and Grosseto. "The operation was carried out with the greatest of care."



Giuseppe Gavazzi, one of the restorers, said the mural was already badly damaged when restoration work began and that there had been no intention to remove or cover up any of the private parts.



What a couple of dicks.



Anway, with the Tree of Fertility fresco ruined for all of eternity--seriously, you guys, the dicks really made it special--the Western world must do all it can to protect its remaining ancient, privates-based frescoes, works like Vagina Beanstalk in Angouleme, the Grapevine of Buttholes in Napoli; and Midnight In The Garden of Taints in Hoboken, NJ. We can't let art restorers promote their anti-genital agenda all over the place. Come on, art lovers! Let us never let what happened to the Tree of Dick and Balls ever occur again! Who's with me?!?