Mike Tyson: America's Tone Setter

A lot of people have e-mailed me privately to ask, "Hey, Matt, why hasn't GEP weighed in on the Trayvon Martin thing yet?" Well, first of all, is Snooki involved in any way, because if she isn't, I probably don't have much to say about it on this particular Web site. And second of all, why should I say anything when Mike Tyson summed up my feelings--and I assume yours, dear readers--in an interview with Yahoo News this week:

"My personal feeling is that, as a young kid that was beat on by a bully, that was pretty much singled out—the guy [Zimmerman] stalked him, didn't follow instructions from a superior officer, when they said, 'Stop following the kid.' That tells you everything right there. But my all-around perspective, I wasn't there, I don't know what happened. But it's just so widespread and overt what happened. Even though this is the best country in the world, certain laws in this country are a disgrace to a nation of savages. It's a majority versus a minority. That's the way God planned it. He didn't want to do something about it, He wanted us to do something about it. And if we don't, it's gonna stay this way. We have to continue tweeting, we have to continue marching, we have to continue fighting for Trayvon Martin. If that's not the case, he was killed in vain, and we're just waiting for it to happen to our children. He'll have gotten away with impunity. It's a disgrace that man hasn't been dragged out of his house and tied to a car and taken away. That's the only kind of retribution that people like that understand. It's a disgrace that man hasn't been shot yet. Forget about him being arrested--the fact that he hasn't been shot yet is a disgrace. That's how I feel personally about it."

Mike Tyson always says what everybody's thinking and that's why he's such a national treasure.

I'm actually being a little facetious, for you first time readers. I do that quite often, sometimes to humorous effect. Certainly I think George Zimmerman needs to answer for his senseless crime, but as far as it being a "disgrace" that he hasn't yet been shot and killed himself or dragged behind a vehicle for an extended period of time, I'm not so sure. I'm actually quite proud of the American public for keeping their emotions in check and not resorting to more senseless, stupid acts of aggression.

I guess the reason I'm highlighting Tyson's thoughts on this story is twofold. First of all, why is Mike Tyson ever asked his opinion on anything? He's a violent weirdo with a rapey past, right? Sure, he talks funny and loves pigeons and he sang that Phil Collins song in The Hangover, but he's still mostly a creep. Right? I mean, who cares what a funny-talking, punchy creep has to say about the latest news stories? I don't.

Secondly, this story isn't shocking to anyone, is it? Mike Tyson saying something crazy? I'm sure this happens a lot more than we even know. The entire rambling statement, with its pseudo-religious gobbledygook at the front and its call for violent retribution on the back end, makes little to no sense. Read it again. Slowly. Brain hurt yet?

In summation, Mike Tyson shouldn't be asked about anything other than boxing, pigeons, and what human flesh tastes like. He shouldn't be allowed to talk about anything else, especially hot button news stories. Or tattoos.

Saturday Morning News Bits: inappropriate groping, art criticism, drunk puppies, and pastor sex

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Saturday Morning News Bits: 666, spontaneous combustion, big butts, pigs, and bikinis

1. MARK OF THE BEAST

If anyone in the Christian collective still wonders why people make fun of them, this guy is the reason. Meet Billy Hyatt--not Bill, not William: Billy. Hyatt claims he was fired from his job at Berry Plastics Corp. for not wearing a sticker labeled with the number 666, commonly known as the Mark of the Beast in the Christian religion. Hyatt's godforsaken boss required employees to "take" the number of the Devil in order to purchase food items from Berry Plastics' many fine vending machines and acquire yearly holiday bonuses. Those who refused were fired and/or decapitated out behind the warehouse on a homemade guillotine.

Hold on. That wasn't it. That's right. Berry Plastics Corp had gone 666 days without an accident and were commemorating the achievement with a limited edition sticker. Hyatt took issue with this:

"I cannot. I will never, ever, ever put that number on my body," Hyatt said.

Hyatt is a staunch believer in the Bible, including what Revelations chapters 13 and 14 say about the number 666.

"The people that accept the mark, they're going to burn in hell," he told Jones. "There's no way that I'm going to put that on my body," he said

I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that the higher ups over at Berry Plastics had the power to condemn people to Hell for all eternity now. To be fair, I haven't regularly attended church in 15 years, so I may be a little rusty on the rules. I also didn't know wearing a sticker with numbers on it was enough to take me out of God's favor. Let's read on:

Hyatt said Berry employees must wear stickers with the number of days the company has gone without an accident. When the number approached 666, Hyatt said he asked not to be forced to wear the sticker. Hyatt told Jones he even requested a day off, or a vacation day, so he wouldn't be at work when employees had to wear the number. When the 666th day came and he refused to wear it he says he was suspended and then fired.

Hyatt says his boss told him it's just a sticker.

"Well it's not just a sticker. 666 is the mark of the beast," he told Jones.

No. It's just a sticker.

Hyatt said he would have hated to get into a fatal accident on the job wearing the 666 sticker and, “(have) the last thing that I did on earth is to accept the mark of the beast just so I could actually work."

Is this what people actually believe? I know there are some level-headed Christians out there--some that read this blog even--please reassure me: this dude does not represent you guys, right?

This is what religion can do to a person, and that is just one more reason I think organized religion is the dumbest thing in existence. Religion and Dancing with the Stars.

2. THE SWEDISH TORCH

A Swedish man spontaneously burst into flames this week. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.

"He just stood there burning outside the shop," a witness told the paper. "After a while he started screaming. There were a few people about but they just watched him. I ran up to him, tore my coat off and managed to put the fire out together with another guy."

The Giant Electric News Team will continue following this story. Stay tuned.

3. SHE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE RAP GUYS GIRLFRIENDS IF SAID GIRLFRIEND HAD BEEN INJECTED WITH POISON

Listen, if you desire some variety of plastic surgery performed upon you and you have the means to make it happen, more power to you. You get your eyes lifted and your creases ironed. Turn your breasts into festive Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloons and your lips into sausage links. But if you don't have the money to have your body augmented, just learn to be happy with your hideous self, all right? Because if you don't, you might end up like this stupid asshole in South Florida who paid an unlicensed transsexual to inject Fix-A-Flat into her ass:

South Florida cops busted a syringe-wielding freak for allegedly injecting a woman’s buttocks with cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire sealant in a bizarre bid to give her big buns, officials said.

An unidentified woman believed she needed a bursting backside to work Sunshine State nightclubs and, through friends, met suspect, Oneal Ron Morris, who allegedly performed the freaky procedure.

“Short time later, she [the victim] develops very serious pains in her abdomen, throughout her body,” Miami Gardens Police Sgt. Bill Bamford told WPLG-TV in Miami. “She knows something’s wrong.”

Cement? I've got to believe that the "victim" in this story had no clue what was being injected into her body. I need to believe this or else I'll officially lose the last remaining respect for the human race I currently possess. Even if I'm visiting a cut-rate, non-doctor to perform a procedure on me, I expect to be told what might be crammed, jammed or injected into my body. The first time cement pops up in the conversation, I'm out.

When the victim told Morris about her intense pain, the suspect allegedly said everything was going to be OK.

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out,” Morris said, according to Bamford.

Listen, Morris is obviously a real sickie, but can we stop calling this other woman a "victim?" That's an insult to true victims of crime. This dipshit knowingly let a non-doctor pump cement into her butt, and even if she didn't know Morris wasn't licensed, she had to know something was up. What, is Morris a criminal mastermind? Did she buy a doctor's office and have a wall full of fake diplomas she made on her computer? C'mon, unnamed victim! Get your head out of your enormous, cement-filled ass!

4."YOUR TOTAL COMES TO 100 PIGS, SIR"

If you muck something up in Samoa, you better be ready to lose some pigs, buddy. That's what happened to the former manager of the Samoan rugby team, Tuala Matthew Vaea, this week. For bringing shame to his village, Vaea was dismissed from his post and fined 100 pigs:

Tuala Matthew Vaea incurred the fine after players and team officials complained that he neglected his duties at the event in New Zealand, treating the tournament as a "massive holiday" and spending too much time drinking with friends. His village council determined he had disgraced the village and tarnished his chiefly rank.

So, there are people in Samoa that just have 100 pigs lying around? Man, the world is a strange, stupid place.

5. BIKINI-CLAD HOTTIE ENSURES THAT MISSING DOG STORY APPEARS IN SATURDAY MORNING NEWS BITS FEATURE

This is the kind of story we love here at GEP. The bond between a human and its beloved animal companion is one of the most special relationships in existence. It is inspiring and uplifting to witness the lengths to which a person might go to ensure the safety and well-being of his/her furry friend. When their pet goes missing, these selfless individuals do all they can to rescue said animal, no matter the cost. So Arlene Mossa Corona missed Thanksgiving with her family. This pure, kind soul has refused to eat until her missing chihuahua is once again safe and sound in her loving arms.

She's also refused to go without clothes.

A woman took to the streets Wednesday to find her lost Chihuahua, and she won’t clothe herself or eat until the dog comes home.

Arlene Mossa Corona wore a bikini and held up a sign with pictures of her dog Chispita in the intersection of La Jolla Village Drive and Genesee Avenue in San Diego, Calif., on Wednesday morning.

And Corona isn't just interested in finding her poor lost Chispita, she's also a proud American patriot:

Cars honked and men whistled and shouted cat-calls at the woman as she held up her sign, wearing red pumps, a white bikini top and blue bikini bottom — the nation’s colors, she said, to represent military personnel coming home. She hopes the same will be true of her dog.

God bless America.

Saturday Morning News Bits: PETA hates Mario, baby knives, Kim Kardashian, and dead Munchkins

1. PETA OFFICIALLY RUNS OUT OF THINGS TO PROTEST

This week PETA called out fictional video game icon Mario Mario for sometimes wearing a magical tanooki-suit:

"Tanooki may be just a "suit" in Mario games, but by wearing the skin of an animal, Mario is sending the message that it's OK to wear fur," PETA says.

Is he? Mario's tanooki-suit also gives him the ability to fly. Isn't he kind of sending the more dangerous message that wearing a costume can grant you the gift of flight? It's not like kids everywhere are wrapping themselves up in Grandma's mink coat and jumping out of their bedroom windows shouting "For the Mushroom Kingdom!" It's a game. And kids are stupid. Most of them don't even know what a tanooki is. Most of them probably know wearing animal fur is wrong too. Just let 'em play their video games and get fat on Cool Ranch Doritos. Geez, PETA, do you gotta ruin everything we love.

Of course, why take on the Super Mario series when there is a game far more callous in it's treatment of animals: Joust. Have you seen this thing, PETA? Grown men in suits of armor riding on the fragile backs of ostriches?!? Now that is some sick stuff!

Also, everyone knows a real tanooki-suit would come with giant furry testicles.

2. THE MORE YOU KNOW?

Remember, new parents, don't let you infant children sleep with sharp knives. They'll probably kill you in your sleep, most likely in some kind of gory, Satanic ritual.

3. KARDASHIANS KANCELLED

They haven't been --sorry if I got your hopes up--but one group of concerned citizens is trying to make this wonderful dream a wonderful reality:

"In a grass roots effort, we have collected [thousands of] signatures for a petition asking E! Entertainment to remove the Kardashian suite of shows from their programming," petition organizer Cyndy Snider said in a statement. "We feel that these shows are mostly staged and place an emphasis on vanity, greed, promiscuity, vulgarity and over-the-top conspicuous consumption."

"While some may have begun watching the spectacle as mindless entertainment or as a sort of 'reality satire,' it is a sad truth that many young people are looking up to this family and are modeling their appearance and behavior after them," Snider continued. "I'll remind you here that the Kardashian family fame largely started with a 'leaked' sex tape."

Finally, a dumb, vague, largely unfocused cause I can get behind. You can add your name to the No More Kardashian Petition here.

And before I forget: Hey, E! channel, how many on-camera hummers do I gotta give before you'll air my reality show? I've given sooooo many already. Trust me, Bald Dad is gonna be an instant hit!

4. MUNCHKINLAND: POPULATION 3

America said good-bye to one its last remaining Munchkins this week, Karl Slover. Slover was 93 and 4-foot-5 when he died of cardiopulmonary arrest. You might think Slover's life was nothing but yellow brick roads and prolonged stares of vague recognition, but his childhood in Czech Republic was a terrifying succession of horrifying ordeals:

"In those uninformed days, his father tried witch doctor treatments to make him grow," [John Fricke, author of 100 Years of Oz] said. "Knowing Karl and his triumph over his early life, you can't help but celebrate the man at a time like this."

He was buried in the backyard, immersed in heated oil until his skin blistered and then attached to a stretching machine at a hospital, all in the attempt to make him become taller. Eventually he was sold by his father at age 9 to a traveling show in Europe, Fricke said.

Slover played Munchkin Trumpeter No. 1 in the Judy Garland-helmed classic and earned $50 a week for his work. He leaves behind three Munchkins and, I presume, a closet full of tiny shirts and pants.

Suck It, Irene!

We survived Hurricane Irene! In fact, seems all you needed to survive her, in Raleigh, the headquarters of Giant Electric Penguin Industries, was an umbrella and a basic understanding of the concept of "staying inside." The worst hurricane damage we experienced was a few downed branches. And there are leaves strewn all over my kitchen. I'm gonna have to bend over to pick those up, people, and that is annoying. I guess there are people throughout the state dealing with power outages and flooding, so maybe picking leaves off of the linoleum doesn't seem so bad. I don't know. Still sucks to me.

Anyway, Irene did what hurricanes do and, per usual, local and cable news lost its collective mind. I spent most of yesterday flipping from CNN to Fox News to MSNBC to my local ABC affliate, attempting to soak in as much hurricane coverage as humanly possible. I wanted to know what to expect when Irene came knocking at my door. I wanted an update on the situation in the Outer Banks. What was Baltimore in for? Could this really be the storm to end all storms? Was God unleashing his wrath upon New York City because gay dudes can legally get married there now? This was the information I craved. Sadly, what I got, was a lot of miserable reporters in yellow rain slickers standing near piers and pointing at waves.

Eventually I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down the different captions or headlines or whatever you call them that various stations used to "set the mood" if you will, and I thought I'd share a few of my favorites right here. Needless to say, I think they went a little overboard.

-HURRICANE WATCH 2011: ARE YOU PREPARED, DUMMY? (MSNBC)

-HURRICANE IRENE: IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE ALREADY DEAD? (Fox News)

-OBAMA TO IRENE: "I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA" (CNN)

-HAROLD CAMPING WAS RIGHT! (CNN)

-IRENE COULD BE "LIKE TEN KATRINAS" OR "NOT THAT BAD" SAYS EXPERT (Fox News)

-HURRICANE IRENE: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (The Weather Channel)

-KATRINA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (CNBC)

Take care of yourselves, New York City. Stay dry and not dead. You guys'll be all right. C'mon! You're New Yorkers!

Stay tuned to GEP for the latest weather updates.*

*There will be no further weather updates.

The Giving (Me A Boner) Tree

A 13th-century fresco of a tree discovered in the city of Massa Marittima in 2000 was defaced this month, when twenty-five penises and ball-bags were cruelly and thoughtlessly painted over. The fresco, known as The Tree of Fertility (or Tree of Dicks), was undergoing a much needed restoration, but when townspeople got a glimpse of the finished product, they were less than excited. You could say that the restoration efforts left them flaccid.



"What happened to all the cocks?" remarked Gabriele Galeotti, a town official, upon seeing the finished product. "It's just a tree without the cocks on it now. And the balls. Oh, God, they painted over the balls too? This sucks."



He didn't actually say any of that, but he implied as much:



"Many parts of the work seem to have been arbitrarily repainted," said Gabriele Galeotti, a town councillor who has called for an investigation after seeing the finished work.



"The authenticity of the fresco seems to have been compromised by a restoration effort that did not respect the original character of the work."



You better believe it's been compromised! What interest would a bunch of ladies have in a boring old tree without dicks on it? If I know one thing it's women, and women want trees covered in huge, veiny dongs!



The penis-hating members of the restoration committee see things differently:



"The restoration in no way radically modified the original features," said Mario Scalini, the head of heritage and arts for the local province of Siena and Grosseto. "The operation was carried out with the greatest of care."



Giuseppe Gavazzi, one of the restorers, said the mural was already badly damaged when restoration work began and that there had been no intention to remove or cover up any of the private parts.



What a couple of dicks.



Anway, with the Tree of Fertility fresco ruined for all of eternity--seriously, you guys, the dicks really made it special--the Western world must do all it can to protect its remaining ancient, privates-based frescoes, works like Vagina Beanstalk in Angouleme, the Grapevine of Buttholes in Napoli; and Midnight In The Garden of Taints in Hoboken, NJ. We can't let art restorers promote their anti-genital agenda all over the place. Come on, art lovers! Let us never let what happened to the Tree of Dick and Balls ever occur again! Who's with me?!?

The Great Casey Anthony Debate

One week ago today, a Florida jury found Casey Anthony, a young mother accused of murdering her two-year-old daughter and lying to the cops about it, not guilty of first-degree murder, aggravated manslaughter, and aggravated child abuse. Facebook and Twitter--and I assume Myspace, maybe...do unsigned bands care about verdicts in child murder cases?--exploded with rage, young and old alike condemning the jury, the lawyers, and Casey Anthony herself. "This was a miscarriage of justice," they typed angrily. "Good job, Florida!" they commented sarcastically. "Another child killer set free by the Obama administration," one misguided Tea Partier I follow tweeted. "At least she'll burn forever in Hell," said some nice church folk.

Giant Electric Penguin remained notably silent during the whole thing (Trust me. A lot of people told me that they noted it.). After all, we're in the business of ha-ha's and goofy fun times. We write about tanuki testicles and post close-up photos of unhealthy food. We're not in the travesties of justice game. We leave that stuff to Nancy Grace and her cronies. But as I read the tweets and the Facebook comments and watched the news reports--I'm kidding...I don't watch the news--I began to think that perhaps I was doing my readership a disservice. Maybe, just maybe, they were turning to GEP for the answers Nancy Grace and @justice4caylee173 couldn't provide.

So, I sent an e-mail to a select few of GEP's most loyal readers, asking them a single question, the one question that has been on everybody's lips since the verdict was announced last week: Is Casey Anthony hot? Here's what I got back.

Ronnie B. (t-shirt designer/Mountain Dew aficionado)
"Of course Casey Anthony is do-able! It isn't even up for debate, bro! You think just because most of the US population thinks she drowned her kid or whatever, I don't get rock hard--pardon my French--whenever I see her on TV or whatever? C'mon, bro. You gotta be half-a-fag--pardon my French--to not think this chick is smoking hot! Dude, I would totally take her out to a nice dinner, get bottle service or whatever--you know, a classy-ass evening. I'd wine her, dine her, and if she could keep herself off of my piece--pardon my French--on the car ride home (and I doubt she could...THAT'S WHAT'S UP!!1), I'd give it to her so hard. And from behind. Is that enough for the blog, bro?"

Jason N. (barista/amateur slam poet)
"Ugh. What's to debate? Of course Casey Anthony isn't hot. She looks like a heroin-addicted Alyssa Milano. And I don't mean Charmed-era Alyssa Milano either. I'm talking Who's the Boss, Samantha-era Alyssa Milano. Only hooked on heroin. And have you seen any of her crying pictures? Woof! She looks like Cesar Romero if his face was melting. Or, like, Snagglepuss if he were a human woman and had his face smashed in with, like, a hundred frying pans at once. The whole "I-killed-a-baby" thing doesn't bother me, I mean, my high school girlfriend had, like, three abortions sophomore year, it's just, I mean, look at her. She's, like, a dog. She looks like one of those pug dogs got mashed in the face with a weedwacker and then had plastic surgery to look like Vern Troyer but then she, like, fell down the stairs through a window or something. (Hey, I attached a few of my poems to this e-mail. You can post them on the blog if you'd like. I think your readers would get a lot out of them, 'specially "Ladybug in my Ear on a Summer's Evening (Nancy Drew Remix II)" Thanks!)"

Aileen L. (grandmother/prayer warrior)
"hi, matt. so nice to hear from you. hows the baby? your dad showed me a picture and she looks sweet as sugar. i'm doing fine. my leg still aches in winter but its summer now so it will probably be fine. did you mean to send me this e-mail? would love to hear from you. not sure i have your correct phone number. i keep leaving messages by noone ever calls back. oh well. love you. it was my birthday yesterday. bye."

Erin J. (lady-lawyer/mother of "three feisty felines")
"As your lawyer, Matthew, I feel I should advise you that this journal post is a VERY BAD IDEA. I don't know how many of these e-mails you sent out, but if you can somehow get them back...? I don't even know if that is possible. Hm. I really wish you would talk to me about these things before you just go and do them. My best to you and the "List Lady." And, heck, I'll play along, but just this once. Is Casey Anthony hot? Well...I wouldn't go lesbian for her, but maybe things get frisky one night at a bar and...who knows... OK. Seriously. Stop this."

Saturday Afternoon News Bits: doughnut disaster, Jon Gosselin vs. Taco Bell, owls, and time travel

Sorry about the lateness of this week's news, but I was catching up on TV this morning. Here now are the most important news stories of this week...

1. TIME TO SCRAPE THE DOUGHNUTS

I apologize for the above photograph. It may be the saddest, most horrifying image to ever grace (disgrace?) the blog. No doughnut should be made to suffer like that, not even the lemon-filled kind. Look at all those poor, scared doughnuts strewn about the road like casualties in a war they never signed up for. The horror. The tragedy. All that deliciousness gone to waste. It's sick!

Oh, the driver of the doughnut truck was injured as well. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his/her family. God, I hope those doughnuts are OK. I can't believe this!

Just what was the cause of this injustice? Here's the story from KVAL.com. It may be inappropriate for little ones. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

EUGENE, Ore. – A car fleeing from police at high speeds through downtown parking lots and alleys collided with a donut delivery van, seriously injuring the driver late Tuesday night.

The incident started around 11:06 p.m. when a Eugene police officer spotted a black Honda driving with it's lights off downtown.

The driver took off, and the officer attempted to keep up as the driver cut through parking lots at high speed, police said.

The black Honda exited 10th Alley westbound onto Pearl Street at high speed and hit a donut delivery van on the driver's side, police said. The van's driver was taken to the hospital with serious injuries. The identity of the driver and his or her condition is not yet known.

The impact caused the van to overturn, spilling donuts across the road.

The driver of the stolen Honda, a 32-year-old piece of pastry-squashing garbage named Aaron Prentice Pate, was arrested for reckless driving, second degree assault, and failure to respect the importance of timely doughnut delivery, among other charges. I hope he rots in jail forever, I really do.

No news on the delivery driver, but the doughnuts were unceremoniously buried in an unmarked mass grave, i.e. the dumpster behind Burger King.

2. DOUBLE-DECKER DOUCHEBAG

Speaking of taking a dump, former reality TV luminary/failure at life Jon Gosselin was regretfully back in the news this week. What's going on with the lumpy, half-Asian father of 8 essentially fatherless children now? Well, apparently, Gosselin and his current girlfriend, Ellen Ross, were humiliated in a Taco Bell drive-thru. Allie is Wired has the story:

Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend Ellen Ross have waged war on their local Taco Bell…and it’s not because those Chalupas they bought made them “run for the border”.

Apparently, after they paid and pulled around to the next window, employees recognized Jon and started making fun of him.

If you'd stop making yourself so damn easy to make fun of, maybe folks way stop doing it, Jon. Have you ever thought of that?

Ross filed a complaint with the restaurant (Wait, what? You can do that? You can walk into a fast food joint and file a formal complaint? That sounds delightfully stupid.), in which she made the following accusations:

...my boyfriend (Jon Gosselin from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8) and I came through to purchase dinner. When we pulled up to the window there were three girls inside and a man. The three girls noticed who Jon was as his phone rang and he answered (it was his attorney, coincidentally), they proceeded to laugh loudly and talk about him as if he weren't there they said "OMG how funny, that's him OMG, say something to him say something." Jon put his car window up to avoid them. Every employee inside was gathered at the window staring and talking loudly about us. When we put the window back down to get our food, one employee (she had a wrap around her head) pulled out her cell phone and held it up to us to try and take a picture, while laughing at us. No one did or said anything to stop this. It was humiliating.

Ross goes on to single out the employee with the "wrap around her head," requesting the young woman's immediate dismissal from burrito-folding and nacho cheez reheating. We'll update you on Taco-Gate '010 when the latest news breaks.

3. OWL-SOURCED

Indian kids love the Harry Potter movie series so much, parents have taken to capturing wild owls and presenting them to their children as gifts. This is leading to a significant decline in the owl population of India.

On an entirely unrelated note, though one not necessarily considered so by the Manila Bulletin Online, owls are also being slaughter en masse in black magic ceremonies during Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights. And owl torture, I guess.

Sucks to be an owl in India, but it must be awesome to wake up and unwrap the owl your parents kidnapped from the wild for your birthday. Every Harry Potter fan should have their own Hedwig, right? I was a big Gremlins fan when I was a kid; begged my parents for a mogwai every Christmas, but they never bought me one. They claimed it was because there was no musty junk shop run by a mysterious Chinese man in our town and because mogwais don't actually exist, but I think it's because they never loved me as much as Indian parents love their kids.

4. TITOR 2.0

Didja hear about the old woman talking on a cellphone in the background of a Charlie Chaplin movie? Some people claim she is a visitor from the future. Others claim that she is simply using some kind of rudimentary hearing aid. Even otherers believe her to be a crazy old woman babbling nonsense into an empty sardine tin. Whether you think she's deaf, nuts, or John Titor in drag, it's still fun to speculate. Check it out and make your own decision, why don't you!

Hmmmm. I don't know what to think. I'm fairly certain I don't believe in time travel, but I can't say exactly what's going on here. This toilet-mouthed hooligan thinks he's figured it out though:

He knows there was already something called The Man Show, right? What am I saying, of course he knows. He's Matthew Know! My bad.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween, gentle reader.

We've showcased some of our favorite spooky stories and bloodthirsty monsters in these weeks leading up to a holiday TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggert once called "the greatest threat to Christianity in American since the invention of evolution, though the candy part is kinda nice."* And while chilling tales of axe-wielding psychopaths waiting inside your bathroom mirror to leap out and lop your head off and the notion that somewhere in Hollywood, in a storage room on a mostly forgotten backlot, the costumes donned by dwarf actors in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, hang lifeless and leering in a darkened prop closet, they pale in comparison to the real-life stories of horror that fill our nation's newspapers every day. I mean, probably. I don't really read the newspaper. Are there even newspapers anymore? Someone should investigate that and publish it where someone might actually see it.

This Halloween, GEP is hitting you with some of the most spine-wrenching, gut-churning, and stomach-punching true life horror stories. You thought vampires were scary, wait until you come face-to-face with the honest-to-goodness Devil! Meet a young woman who was decapitated and lived to tell the tale! Witness the cruel acts humankind levels against the animal kingdom and watch the animals respond in kind! Shudder as we recount one the most gruesome crimes of all-time! And one douchebag ruins ninjas for everybody in one horrifying act of savage violence! GEP presents...

6 Horrific Totally True Stories of Real-Life Horror: Halloween 2010 Edition

1. The Dancing Prawn

Until very recently patrons of the Sacramento, CA eatery, Nashiki Sushi, were presented with a curious menu option that probably seemed both magical and unlikely. The dish: dancing shrimp. The idea: squeeze some lemon juice onto a barely living prawn and watch it perform a little festive dance across your dinner plate. Oh, the fun! However, it turns out that when you rip the shell off of a living shrimp and proceed to squeeze acid on it's tender fleshy bits, it hurts. Like a bitch, in fact. So, that dancing shrimp you and your children just applauded was actually writhing in pain before you chewed it to death. Thankfully, some PETA-hippies stepped in and got Dancing Shrimp removed from the menu. Yodeling Octopus however is still very much available.

2. The Devil of Detroit Street

There is a Satan, Virginia, and she lives in Trenton, MI. Meet Jennifer Petkov, the biggest piece of shit in the lower 48 states. When a neighbor failed to respond to a text regarding a play date in a timely fashion, Petkov took it upon herself to build a Facebook page dedicated to celebrating the inevitable death of said neighbor's terminally ill granddaughter, because that's what rational, completely sane people do. But one hateful Facebook page wasn't enough, oh no. Petkov also created a page mocking the recent death of the little girl's 24-year-old mother, featuring pictures of the dead woman in a loving embrace with the Grim Reaper. Classy move, Petkov. Petkov even wrangled her husband into the creepy festivities, encouraging him to drive his black pick-up truck, the words "DEATH MACHINE" painted on its side and a large, black coffin hanging out of the back, up and down Detroit St. blasting the horn. Recently, Petkov has apologized to the family for her past misdeeds, which include attempting to run over a third neighbor with her car, but that didn't stop the state from taking her two children away. If there is a Hell, Jennifer Petkov has earned herself a very special place there.

3. Ninja Robbers

How cool are ninjas? I've been a ninja fan since I was but a lad. Nintendo ones; handsome, sarcastic ones on a mission to kill monsters; pizza-eating mutant turtle ones--I loved 'em all. Then Leonard Patrick Gonzalez Jr. had to come along and ruin ninjas for everyone. On July 9, 2009, Gonzalez led a team of home invaders dressed as ninjas into the home of Byrd and Melanie Billings, a Florida couple with nine adopted special needs children who were all in the house when their parents were viciously shot to death, emphasis on the vicious. After shooting Byrd once in each leg, Gonzalez dragged the man into the master bedroom and shot him three more times in the head. Melanie was shot in the chest and head before Gonzalez and his crew of gun-toting ninjas stole away into the night, quite unlike the stealthy warriors they were portraying as their get away vehicle was Gonzalez's big red van. Gonzalez was sentenced to death this week. Will someone tell him ninjas don't use guns.

4. Chimp Attack

In February of '09 Americans learned a valuable lesson that we all probably should've been privy to already: chimpanzees do NOT make appropriate pets. Sure, when they're babies they're cute and cuddly and fun to dress up in stupid costumes, but when they become sexually mature, they lose their little monkey minds. I believe the technical term is "to go ape-shit." Charla Nash learned this the hard way when she was attacked and mauled by her friend's chimpanzee pal, Travis. The crazed chimp made pudding of Nash's face before cops arrived on the scene and shot Travis to death. It should be noted, however, that before police intervention, Nash's monkey-loving friend, Sandra Herold, both stabbed and bludgeoned her beloved pet to no avail. In fact, Travis did not die at the actual scene of the crime, but, rather, crawled back to his home of 14 years and dropped dead there, full of bullets and lady face. Nash's family later sued Herold for a whopping 50-million dollars, and although Herold passed away earlier this year, the Nash family sees no reason to drop the lawsuit. Nash herself famously appeared on Oprah sans eyelids, lips, hands, and nose to discuss the attack, but I wouldn't recommend watching it. Seriously. Don't.

5. The Hangman Fracture

Horses, unlike 14-year-old chimps, are gentle creatures. This doesn't mean they can't eff someone up from time to time. Take Thea Maxfield, for instance. One afternoon while riding a recently acquired mare, she was thrown from the saddle onto her head. Thinking nothing of it, Maxfield pushed herself off the ground and went about her business, or she would have if her HEAD HADN'T REMAINED ON THE GROUND! Yes, Thea Maxfield had experienced something know as a 'hangman fracture,' or, simply put, she had decapitated herself. Sort of. Rather than wait for a passerby, Maxfield picked up her head (brrrrrr), walked a few paces, and collapsed. Miraculously, Maxfield survived the horrific event and is back to riding her beloved horses. Good for you, Thea.

6. Sylvia Likens

The tragic tale of Sylvia Likens is too long to recount on the pages of GEP, but ever since I first read it--I was going through a true crime phase at the time--I haven't been able shake the dread. You can read the full story of Likens and her abuse at the hands of the twisted Gertrude Baniszewski and her hellspawn here, but I warn you, it is not for the faint of heart.

* I don't have any proof that Jimmy Swaggert said any such thing. He probably did though.

Saturday Morning News Bits: mom love, train slapping, and hugs

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Sunday Morning News Bits: chickens, 50 Cent, Venus, gay camping, strippers

We here at GEP want everyone to know that our thoughts and prayers are with the families and fans of both Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman. Do something to celebrate the accomplishments of these guys this Memorial Day weekend: have a Diff'rent Strokes marathon; watch Blue Velvet or Apocalypse Now or True Romance or Land of the Dead or whatever Dennis Hopper movie you love the most; listen to your Avenue Q soundtrack.

All right...let's get to the stupid.
1. CHICKENS: THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR FRYIN' ANYMORE

I think I've been to Missouri. I was very young and I don't remember a thing about the trip, but there is photographic evidence that I caught a decent-sized fish while visiting some family friends. I haven't heard much about Missouri or her citizens in however many years followed this successful fishing expedition, but I had no idea things had gotten this depressing. Apparently, life in Missouri is so empty and unappealing, that some members of the populace have resorted to raising "beauty chickens" to compete in "chicken beauty pageants" to pass the time until Death's sweet embrace. Could it get any sadder? I submit that it cannot.

Meet Annamay Carlson! She was just looking for some "living lawn ornaments" to jazz up her flower garden. Now she plays host to over 90 chickens, and Carlson knows what it takes to breed pageant winners:

"It's that big, full tail. It's supposed to be shaped like a basketball," Carlson said.

That's a sign of beauty for this breed called Cochin, originally raised as palace pets in China.

"They're so lovely to handle. Any other breed is not lap cats like Cochins are," Carlson said.

Lap chickens, huh? Imagine you've prepared a bag of Pop Secret Reduced Fat microwave popcorn for yourself, cracked open a Diet Pepsi, and spread out on the couch for a Say Yes to the Dress marathon, and instead of a your trusty dog or cat hopping up into your lap for what you might call a "snuggle-fest," a chicken hunkers down on your crotch? Maybe it's just me, but that would be horrifying. Cats and dogs have a certain soulfulness behind their eyes. Chickens kind of look like miniature, feather-covered velociraptors from the pits of Hell. Which makes the concept of a chicken beauty pageant even more perplexing. I mean, what kind of mental disease do you have to have to agree to be a judge at one of these things?

2. GUESS WHO?

I'll give you three choices:

A. The new face of Mr. Clean (This Mr. Clean has seen some shit, man!)

B. My Sally Struther's ChildFund International kid all growns up

C. Popular rap artiste, 50 Cent

If you guessed "C," you're correct! If you didn't--what's wrong with you? There's a Web address below the picture reading "www.THISIS50.com. What are you, a moron?!

Yes, rapper/Vitamin Water enthusiast, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, recently dropped 50-pounds for a role in a movie you will likely never see, unless you're cruising the Wal-Mart dollar bin one fateful evening and discover it underneath a stack of unsold Jury Duty discs, and you decide that it would behoove you to make an ironic purchase (You're drunk in this scenario, by the way).

The movie, which is titled Things Fall Apart but is not at all based on the well- known novel by Nigerian author Chinua Achebe, tells the story of a college athlete who gets cancer. Sounds like a rocking good time for 50 Cent fans, doesn't it?

3. TENNIS JUST GOT SLIGHTLY SEXIER THAN IT ALREADY WAS BEFORE

While were on the subject of celebrities sporting new looks, did you get a look at Venus Williams' outfit from the French Open? Call me a pervert (you wouldn't be the first), but I think I just got interested in tennis again, which, I guess, suggests that I was interested in tennis some time in the past, which actually isn't true, so, yeah.

Anyone who saunters out to the tennis court wearing lingerie and flesh-colored shorts shrink-wrapped to her ample posterior is already a winner in my book. Some stuffed shirts didn't quite see it that way:

A New York Daily News writer wrote that Williams showed a "blatant disregard for traditional tennis attire." A blogger said she looked like she was "dressed for some late night party." An overseas publication referred to Williams' clothing as a "negligee."

Oh, brother! Get over it! For a fleeting moment people gave half a shit about tennis. Isn't that what matters ultimately? I don't know if it is. Whatever. Moving on...

4. LIST OF THINGS GAYS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO GROWS

They can't get married, they can't serve in the military unless they keep it to themselves, they can't rent a car until age 25...the list of things American homosexuals are not allowed to do is both staggering and offensive. The citizens of Martinsville, IN added another entry to the no-no column this week when they shot down plans for an alternative lifestyle campground in their area. Gays can't even camp now! WTF, Martinsville:

A proposed clothing optional campground in Morgan County was denied zoning approval Monday night to begin operation.

After the owners said they planned to cater to the gay community, opposition grew.

The Board of Zoning Appeals unanimously denied the request, citing traffic concerns, road problems and a perceived adverse effect on property values, drawing a standing ovation from about 100 residents at the meeting.

"I don't know if what I'm hearing is hearsay. I just hope it is," resident Kim Walls said during the meeting. "I'm scared to death."

Scared to death, Ms. Walls? Really? To death? One of my many, many pet peeves is when people use extreme phrases, such as "scared to death" or "I'm starving." You're not starving! Go make a sandwich!

You know, I get not wanting to see a bunch of naked people milling around the city limits. I don't want to walk out my front door and find an droopy, hirsute, nude elderly couple taking an afternoon stroll through the neighborhood. The owners of the land this all-nude gay Shangri La is to be built on have proposed building an 8-foot privacy fence to protect children and those with heart conditions from being exposed to naked alternative lifestyles. This idea doesn't please everybody however:

"People walk with their families. Children ride their bikes. People ride their horses along these roads," said resident Daniel Elliot. "You combine that with people who are drinking alcohol, and all the sudden we have a disaster in the making."

Other residents worried that the peace and quiet they enjoy would be destroyed.

"I don't want to be able to smell my neighbor. I don't want to hear them for an extended period of time, and I don't want to see them, unless they're dressed for public," said Darrell Dill, Green Township trustee.

Wait. Are there people who want to smell their neighbors?

5. MORE SEXY NEWS!

Hey, graduating class of 2010, I know the job market looks grim during these troubling economic times, but all is not lost. If you you are a female, have most of your teeth, and enjoy dry humping strangers, you could have a bright future at Jacksonville, Florida's premiere bikini bar, Centerfold Lounge. The club put the call out for dancers last week and local reaction has been mixed, and by "mixed" I mean "entirely negative:"

"I think it's terrible. I mean really, young people could do a lot better than that," one local said.

"It's a bit of shock and awe," another local resident added. "It's like, 'Wow, that's what our graduates have to look forward to? Go-go dancing and stripping?'"

"I just think it's pretty disgusting you know, because I am an 18-year-old," another local said.

Prude!

The club owner says that the message on the sign is meant to be humorous, but if it helps him acquire some new staff members, all the better:

"I mean, look at the economy. We have nothing to offer these grads," said [William] Warner, the lounge's manager. "I do. I have what they can make money. Yes, we're looked at as scum of the Earth, but it's a paycheck -- money that will put food in their stomach and keep a roof over their head."

See, he's just a sweet guy trying to help the youth of today become the leaders of tomorrow, or rather, the drugged-up strippers who will grind on the crotches of the those leaders. God bless America!