1. MARK OF THE BEASTIf anyone in the Christian collective still wonders why people make fun of them, this guy is the reason. Meet Billy Hyatt--not Bill, not William: Billy. Hyatt claims he was fired from his job at Berry Plastics Corp. for not wearing a sticker labeled with the number 666, commonly known as the Mark of the Beast in the Christian religion. Hyatt's godforsaken boss required employees to "take" the number of the Devil in order to purchase food items from Berry Plastics' many fine vending machines and acquire yearly holiday bonuses. Those who refused were fired and/or decapitated out behind the warehouse on a homemade guillotine.
Hold on. That wasn't it. That's right. Berry Plastics Corp had gone 666 days without an accident and were commemorating the achievement with a limited edition sticker. Hyatt took issue with this:
"I cannot. I will never, ever, ever put that number on my body," Hyatt said.
Hyatt is a staunch believer in the Bible, including what Revelations chapters 13 and 14 say about the number 666.
"The people that accept the mark, they're going to burn in hell," he told Jones. "There's no way that I'm going to put that on my body," he said
I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that the higher ups over at Berry Plastics had the power to condemn people to Hell for all eternity now. To be fair, I haven't regularly attended church in 15 years, so I may be a little rusty on the rules. I also didn't know wearing a sticker with numbers on it was enough to take me out of God's favor. Let's read on:
Hyatt said Berry employees must wear stickers with the number of days the company has gone without an accident. When the number approached 666, Hyatt said he asked not to be forced to wear the sticker. Hyatt told Jones he even requested a day off, or a vacation day, so he wouldn't be at work when employees had to wear the number. When the 666th day came and he refused to wear it he says he was suspended and then fired.
Hyatt says his boss told him it's just a sticker.
"Well it's not just a sticker. 666 is the mark of the beast," he told Jones.
No. It's just a sticker.
Hyatt said he would have hated to get into a fatal accident on the job wearing the 666 sticker and, “(have) the last thing that I did on earth is to accept the mark of the beast just so I could actually work."
Is this what people actually believe? I know there are some level-headed Christians out there--some that read this blog even--please reassure me: this dude does not represent you guys, right?
This is what religion can do to a person, and that is just one more reason I think organized religion is the dumbest thing in existence. Religion and Dancing with the Stars.
2. THE SWEDISH TORCHA Swedish man spontaneously burst into flames this week. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
"He just stood there burning outside the shop," a witness told the paper. "After a while he started screaming. There were a few people about but they just watched him. I ran up to him, tore my coat off and managed to put the fire out together with another guy."
The Giant Electric News Team will continue following this story. Stay tuned.
3. SHE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE RAP GUYS GIRLFRIENDS IF SAID GIRLFRIEND HAD BEEN INJECTED WITH POISONListen, if you desire some variety of plastic surgery performed upon you and you have the means to make it happen, more power to you. You get your eyes lifted and your creases ironed. Turn your breasts into festive Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloons and your lips into sausage links. But if you don't have the money to have your body augmented, just learn to be happy with your hideous self, all right? Because if you don't, you might end up like this stupid asshole in South Florida who paid an unlicensed transsexual to inject Fix-A-Flat into her ass:
South Florida cops busted a syringe-wielding freak for allegedly injecting a woman’s buttocks with cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire sealant in a bizarre bid to give her big buns, officials said.
An unidentified woman believed she needed a bursting backside to work Sunshine State nightclubs and, through friends, met suspect, Oneal Ron Morris, who allegedly performed the freaky procedure.
“Short time later, she [the victim] develops very serious pains in her abdomen, throughout her body,” Miami Gardens Police Sgt. Bill Bamford told WPLG-TV in Miami. “She knows something’s wrong.”
Cement? I've got to believe that the "victim" in this story had no clue what was being injected into her body. I need to believe this or else I'll officially lose the last remaining respect for the human race I currently possess. Even if I'm visiting a cut-rate, non-doctor to perform a procedure on me, I expect to be told what might be crammed, jammed or injected into my body. The first time cement pops up in the conversation, I'm out.
When the victim told Morris about her intense pain, the suspect allegedly said everything was going to be OK.
“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out,” Morris said, according to Bamford.
Listen, Morris is obviously a real sickie, but can we stop calling this other woman a "victim?" That's an insult to true victims of crime. This dipshit knowingly let a non-doctor pump cement into her butt, and even if she didn't know Morris wasn't licensed, she had to know something was up. What, is Morris a criminal mastermind? Did she buy a doctor's office and have a wall full of fake diplomas she made on her computer? C'mon, unnamed victim! Get your head out of your enormous, cement-filled ass!
4."YOUR TOTAL COMES TO 100 PIGS, SIR"If you muck something up in Samoa, you better be ready to lose some pigs, buddy. That's what happened to the former manager of the Samoan rugby team, Tuala Matthew Vaea, this week. For bringing shame to his village, Vaea was dismissed from his post and fined 100 pigs:
Tuala Matthew Vaea incurred the fine after players and team officials complained that he neglected his duties at the event in New Zealand, treating the tournament as a "massive holiday" and spending too much time drinking with friends. His village council determined he had disgraced the village and tarnished his chiefly rank.
So, there are people in Samoa that just have 100 pigs lying around? Man, the world is a strange, stupid place.
5. BIKINI-CLAD HOTTIE ENSURES THAT MISSING DOG STORY APPEARS IN SATURDAY MORNING NEWS BITS FEATUREThis is the kind of story we love here at GEP. The bond between a human and its beloved animal companion is one of the most special relationships in existence. It is inspiring and uplifting to witness the lengths to which a person might go to ensure the safety and well-being of his/her furry friend. When their pet goes missing, these selfless individuals do all they can to rescue said animal, no matter the cost. So Arlene Mossa Corona missed Thanksgiving with her family. This pure, kind soul has refused to eat until her missing chihuahua is once again safe and sound in her loving arms.
She's also refused to go without clothes.
A woman took to the streets Wednesday to find her lost Chihuahua, and she won’t clothe herself or eat until the dog comes home.
Arlene Mossa Corona wore a bikini and held up a sign with pictures of her dog Chispita in the intersection of La Jolla Village Drive and Genesee Avenue in San Diego, Calif., on Wednesday morning.
And Corona isn't just interested in finding her poor lost Chispita, she's also a proud American patriot:
Cars honked and men whistled and shouted cat-calls at the woman as she held up her sign, wearing red pumps, a white bikini top and blue bikini bottom — the nation’s colors, she said, to represent military personnel coming home. She hopes the same will be true of her dog.
God bless America.
