Perving Out: Whatever the Weather

I spent most of last week watching CNN, HLN, Fox News, and reality shows (Hardcore Pawn; some hunk of shit called Auction Hunters, which is basically [or, exactly] a rip-off of Storage Wars, only one of the guys has stupid tattoos all over his dumb, bald head). I was visiting my in-laws, so I really didn't have much of a say on what we all sat down to watch after the kid went to bed, and that's fine. I'm not complaining. Well, I am, but not, you know, seriously. I mean, I didn't spend the entirety of our visit arms crossed, frowny faced if that's what you're thinking.


When we weren't watching CNN describe the manner in which George Zimmerman was chained for his first court appearance or the Etan Patz slideshow for the fiftieth time, we watched the local news. My wife's parents live in South Jersey, so they watch the news out of Philadelphia. NBC 10, if we're being specific, and why shouldn't we be? Now there's really nothing that special about the NBC 10 newscast...oh, wait, yes there is. Say hello to NBC 10's smoking hot meteorologist, Sheena Parveen.

Wow. All we have in North Carolina is this barrel-chested, oak tree of a man who calls himself "Big Weather." Lucky Philadelphians.

Suck It, Irene!

We survived Hurricane Irene! In fact, seems all you needed to survive her, in Raleigh, the headquarters of Giant Electric Penguin Industries, was an umbrella and a basic understanding of the concept of "staying inside." The worst hurricane damage we experienced was a few downed branches. And there are leaves strewn all over my kitchen. I'm gonna have to bend over to pick those up, people, and that is annoying. I guess there are people throughout the state dealing with power outages and flooding, so maybe picking leaves off of the linoleum doesn't seem so bad. I don't know. Still sucks to me.

Anyway, Irene did what hurricanes do and, per usual, local and cable news lost its collective mind. I spent most of yesterday flipping from CNN to Fox News to MSNBC to my local ABC affliate, attempting to soak in as much hurricane coverage as humanly possible. I wanted to know what to expect when Irene came knocking at my door. I wanted an update on the situation in the Outer Banks. What was Baltimore in for? Could this really be the storm to end all storms? Was God unleashing his wrath upon New York City because gay dudes can legally get married there now? This was the information I craved. Sadly, what I got, was a lot of miserable reporters in yellow rain slickers standing near piers and pointing at waves.

Eventually I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down the different captions or headlines or whatever you call them that various stations used to "set the mood" if you will, and I thought I'd share a few of my favorites right here. Needless to say, I think they went a little overboard.

-HURRICANE WATCH 2011: ARE YOU PREPARED, DUMMY? (MSNBC)

-HURRICANE IRENE: IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE ALREADY DEAD? (Fox News)

-OBAMA TO IRENE: "I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA" (CNN)

-HAROLD CAMPING WAS RIGHT! (CNN)

-IRENE COULD BE "LIKE TEN KATRINAS" OR "NOT THAT BAD" SAYS EXPERT (Fox News)

-HURRICANE IRENE: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (The Weather Channel)

-KATRINA 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO (CNBC)

Take care of yourselves, New York City. Stay dry and not dead. You guys'll be all right. C'mon! You're New Yorkers!

Stay tuned to GEP for the latest weather updates.*

*There will be no further weather updates.