Before I married my wife and we bought our first house, I lived in a musty, dilapidated, horseshoe-shaped apartment complex that me and my friend/roommate, Jonathan, affectionately referred to as "the shitty Melrose Place." Our first week there, one of the neighbors visited--she was the only neighbor I ever met or said more than one word to the entire time I lived there--and welcomed us to "the 'hood." She probably just meant "the neighborhood," but as a twenty-something white male who had seen Boyz in the Hood and various other films of its ilk, I was sure she was welcoming me to my demise, probably at the hands of a stray bullet from one of those drive-by shootings you read about.
But bullets don't have hands--not even stray ones--and poor people typically don't steal from poor people, so our time spent in "the shitty Melrose Place" passed without any violent incidents. There were non-violent incidents aplenty, but I never heard any gun shots or pimp slapping. There was a funny smell coming from another neighbor's apartment one time, that prompted Jonathan to inquire, "Is that what crack smells like?" We never found out for sure whether or not it was crack, but I like to believe it wasn't.
Here are the things I knew about Melrose Place--the television show, not the cockroach-infested, mold-choked hellhole I lived in during my mid-twenties--before I started watching it for this feature:
1. It was a spin-off of Beverly Hills, 90210, another prime-time soap on Fox that I didn't watch.
2. Heather Locklear joined the cast at some point.
3. A crazy lady blows up the titular apartment complex in a special two-part episode.
That's it. I didn't know the characters, I didn't know the story, and, frankly, I didn't care very much. But then one afternoon, while listening to the Extra Hot Great podcast, I heard a pop-culture critic talking about the aforementioned exploding Melrose Place two-parter with such mirthful gusto, I knew I had to see it for myself. But I'm a completist at heart, so, obviously, I had to start from the very beginning. So, here we are.
If you're not familiar with Melrose Place's characters, allow me to provide a quick cheat sheet. Keep in mind that I've only watched the pilot at this point, so these are my first impressions.
--Alison Parker (Courtney Thorne-Smith): A cute, but totally sexless blonde from the Midwest, who moved to LA to break into the exciting world of advertising. I mention her lack of sex appeal only because this is Melrose Place and I was under the impression that everyone here was sexy and maladjusted. Alison is kinda meh, but the pilot sets her up as the show's focus, so maybe she'll grow on me.
--Billy Campbell (Andrew Shue): Melrose Place's frequently shirtless struggling writer. He's irritating, but not in an overly offensive way. He rescues Alison from her boss's unwanted sexual advances in the pilot, so I guess he's not all bad. He can't dance for shit though.
--Jake Hanson (Grant Show): The damaged bad-boy. Ugh. He's also the way in for 90210 fans, because I guess he fingerbanged Kelly or something.
--Jane Mancini (Josie Bissett): Clearly, Jane doesn't understand how being a doctor in a hospital works. She is always on her husband's case about working late, but the man is a doctor, for Pete's sake. Give him a break, Jane. All of that aside, Jane is, by far, the least irritating character in the cast. The prettiest too.
--Michael Mancini (Thomas Calabro): Jane's doctor husband and the building manager. He seems like kind of a prick, if I'm being honest.
--Rhonda Blair (Vanessa A Williams): Melrose Place's resident African-American stereotype.
--Sandy Harling (Amy Locane): A struggling actor from the South. What part of the South, I'm not entirely sure. In which state do people speak in horrible Southern-parody accents? She's the worst and from what my wife tells me, she doesn't stick around very long.
--Matt Fielding (Doug Savant): A nice, normal social worker who dresses in weird hip-hop-themed clothing for some reason. He is also not irritating. Yet.
So, let's talk about this pilot real quick. I'm not going to provide a long, boring plot synopsis, because, frankly, nothing really happens in the episode. We're briefly introduced to each character, so by the end we know what each one of them is about (Rhonda is an unlucky-in-love aerobics instructor; Jake is down-on-his-luck and being stalked by a high school girl; Sandy is a dumb whore; etc). The episode spends most of it's running time with Alison: her roommate moves out in the middle of the night, she doesn't have enough money to pay her $800 rent (I don't know for sure, but isn't that a steal in LA? Let me know in the comments, LA people.), she meets Billy who expresses a desire to move in, she resists but eventually gives in, she is invited to an important party by one of her bosses, she walks in on Billy dancing with a mop, and her boss tries to drunkenly have sex with her. That's the pilot, or half of it, at least.
The other half of the pilot focuses on Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) from 90210 stalking Jake. He agrees to have dinner with her, but her friends--Donna, David, and Steve--ruin everything and Jake drives off, handsome and broken, into the Hollywood night on his motorcycle.
Can we talk about Jennie Garth real quick? Pretty girl, but is she an albino? She's either an albino or a ghost, I just can't decide which. I'll check Wikipedia.
As I may or may not have mentioned yet, Melrose Place's pilot is not very good. It's contrived, boring, and relies to heavily on 90210 cameos. However, I never once considered turning the damn thing off. Maybe it's because I've committed to the series for this yearlong feature and feel like it would be disingenuous to give up before I've even truly begun. Pilot episodes are rarely any good. Maybe part of the reason I didn't throw a brick through my television is because I'm kinda interested in watching Alison and Billy's relationship develop or learning more about Matt and his obsession with urban t-shirts or discovering the answer to my most important question: Jennie Garth: Albino, ghost, or albino ghost? Seriously. How do you live in California all of your life and stay that pale?
Questions:
1. Do we know for sure that Michael is actually a doctor? He mentions being at the hospital a lot, but maybe he's an overly ambitious janitor or a weird hospital pervert.
2. Is Matt gay or just extremely insensitive? He basically tells Rhonda that he is repulsed by her when she opens her heart to him by the pool. My guess is that he's gay.
3. The 90210 drop-ins stop eventually, right? They're really distracting and add nothing to the show. My guess is that these cameos were a note from the studio.
One more thing:
I like the fact that Melrose Place is about characters who are struggling. They aren't privileged teenagers from Beverly Hills, nor are they working actors, successful businesspeople, or independently wealthy. Alison is a receptionist. Billy teaches a dance class at night regardless of the fact that he doesn't know any dance moves. Jake is an out-of-work contractor. Sandy is a waitress at Shooters who sleeps until noon every day. It'll be interesting to watch these characters develop over time. I also look forward to shit goin' crazy. That actually sounds like a good slogan for one of Matt's rap tees.
