Perving Out: Whatever the Weather

I spent most of last week watching CNN, HLN, Fox News, and reality shows (Hardcore Pawn; some hunk of shit called Auction Hunters, which is basically [or, exactly] a rip-off of Storage Wars, only one of the guys has stupid tattoos all over his dumb, bald head). I was visiting my in-laws, so I really didn't have much of a say on what we all sat down to watch after the kid went to bed, and that's fine. I'm not complaining. Well, I am, but not, you know, seriously. I mean, I didn't spend the entirety of our visit arms crossed, frowny faced if that's what you're thinking.


When we weren't watching CNN describe the manner in which George Zimmerman was chained for his first court appearance or the Etan Patz slideshow for the fiftieth time, we watched the local news. My wife's parents live in South Jersey, so they watch the news out of Philadelphia. NBC 10, if we're being specific, and why shouldn't we be? Now there's really nothing that special about the NBC 10 newscast...oh, wait, yes there is. Say hello to NBC 10's smoking hot meteorologist, Sheena Parveen.

Wow. All we have in North Carolina is this barrel-chested, oak tree of a man who calls himself "Big Weather." Lucky Philadelphians.

Perving Out: Best. Olsen. Ever.

Hey, it's the first day of Spring, the perfect time to totally perv out to Elizabeth Olsen. Forget Full House, I'll take Silent House any day.

Actually, I heard that wasn't very good. I'd probably rather watch a Full House episode or two. Remember that one where Michelle, Stephanie, and Uncle Jesse got locked in that garage and Michelle almost missed her circus party? That was totes touching, yo.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to delay GEP's First Annual Elizabeth Olsen Perv Out. Enjoy.

Anybody remember how Uncle Jesse and the girls got out of that garage? Omigod! What if they're still in there??? That should've been the plot of Silent House.

Perving Out: Best Bet

So, I guess Extra correspondent, Maria Menounos, made a losing Super Bowl bet and this was the result. For Pete's sake, Mario Lopez, get out of the way!!!
That's better.

Hey, I wonder what bet Mario Lopez lost that forced him to star in A Crack in the Floor?

Perving Out presents Wednesday Morning Music: Girls' Generation-"The Boys"

This song is completely awful. But it's performed by Girls' Generation, an all-female, South Korean pop group. Dumb song performed by 9 super hot Korean girls = essential viewing. If there had only been 8 girls in the group, I wouldn't have posted this on the blog. You just made it, Girls' Generation. You're welcome.

A Perving Out Tribute to Paulina Gretzky's Defunct Twitter Feed

We gather here tonight to say good-bye and pay tribute to the Twitter feed of Wayne Gretzky's daughter, Paulina. Why has Paulina's Twitter feed gone away forever? Well, the media is reporting that ol' Wayne might be the reason. Apparently, The Great One--more like The Great Wuss--felt that some of the photos his 22-year-old daughter shared on her Twitter feed were more than a little inappropriate. Hence, no more shots of Paulina Gretzky in various bikinis or in tight-fitting dresses with strategically-placed cut-outs dancing at assorted clubs or planking on mailboxes. All gone. Forever. Stupid Wayne Gretzky.

Luckily, the internet makes it impossible to get rid of anything completely, so we still have these memories of Paulina Gretzky to keep us warm during the cold winter months. Thanks, internet. And, more importantly, thanks, perverts. Because of your tireless efforts, the world will be able to continue enjoying photograph's of Wayne Gretzky's hot, scantily-clad daughter for decades to come.





You can see even more pics from this collection right here.

Perving Out: Thanksgiving After Dark

Thanksgiving is a time when cartoon dogs dressed as pilgrims and slutty, stripper-types dressed as sexy Native Americans can come together and participate in a weird, kinky First Thanksgiving-themed orgy of some kind. Happy Thanksgiving, perverts.

Perving Out: Elizabeth Hurley

This week, Perving Out is celebrating the triumphant return of Elizabeth Hurley to these American shores. Chances are, 100% of you do not watch The CW's Gossip Girl. I'm not here to recruit you, but I will admit--proudly, I might add--that I have been onboard with this tawdry prime time soap about scheming Upper East Siders ruining each others lives in various colorful and amoral ways since the beginning, and I am still wholly onboard for any and everything Gossip Girl has to offer. Oh, yes, Elizabeth Hurley...

So, anyway, the 46-year-old model-turned-actress joined the cast of Gossip Girl this year and it has been nothing short of constant delight. First of all, she's brought back the scheming that has been so desperately missed, you know, since Chuck turned good and Blair's schemes became royal wedding focused and Dan sold his dumb novel and Charlie frowned a lot and Rufus got even more insufferable and Eric disappeared at sea (That's what happened, right?). Gossip Girl has always been best when chocked full of elaborate schemes and Hurley has been the scheming MVP this season for sure. I can barely wait for her comeuppance. You think Juliet and Vanessa got it bad when they were simply shunned, considering everything Hurley's character, Diana, has done this season, I'd be surprised if she gets out of Manhattan with her life. Second, did you see last week's episode, "The Big Sleep No More?" Did you see the purple dress Hurley wore to Chuck's weird Macbeth haunted house charity thing? Wow. I wanted to post a picture of that for this entry, but I couldn't find a good one. So, you get the above picture, which I think is pretty exquisite.

Happy Perving Out Sunday, everybody! XOXO

Nipple Slips, Full Moons and Beaver Shots, Oh My: Sexy Mysteries Exposed

Last week, some piece of human garbage (see also "hero worthy of endless praise") hacked Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted the nude pictures of the gorgeous starlet contained within. It was a heinous invasion of privacy, and as such, I refuse to post said pictures on this site. I am however not above providing a link to them. Here is the link. (That probably ain't gonna be around long, folks, but chances are you've seen the pics already. Good for you. Sickos.)

When I heard that photos of a naked ScarJo had miraculously found their way onto the internets, I was pretty excited. Call me a perv, but I likes me the pretty ladies, and Johansson is about as pretty as they come. I hadn't been this excited since I heard rumors of a Paige Davis sex tape. I'm not kidding.

Since the beginning of time, mankind has longed to see naked pictures of their betters. Don't believe me? Crack a history book for once in your life, dummy! I've long considered the peeping of ill-gotten celebrity nude pics, sex tapes, and forgotten Playboy spreads as America's true national past time. Forget baseball! I'd rather search the Web for pictures of Helen Mirren in Caligula or Mena Suvari pumping gas in her yoga pants. Those two examples, and many others I could sight but won't because I don't feel like, are easy to find. Don't believe me? Do a Google image search for "mena suvari in yoga pants." I can wait.

The pics we really want to see are the ones we've only heard about second hand, usually from a person who heard it second from some other creep. These are the holy grails of sex pics. Over the years it has become my personal goal to find these long rumored pictures and videos, and add them to my creepy, creepy archives (For reals. They are creepy. Ask anyone.). Here is a list of just a few of the rumored pornographic memorabilias I am looking for. If you've got a lead on any of them, let me know. I'd pay top dollar. Or just steal them from you at gunpoint. Probably the latter, if I'm being honest. OK. Here's the list:

-the Estelle Getty gangbang tape

-Jason Bigg's audition tape for Puppetry of the Penis

-Louie Anderson taint slip at the Bebe's Kids premiere

-the Kevin Smith/Katy Bates sex tape

-Oprah Winfrey scrotum slip at The Brady Bunch Movie premiere

-the Gilbert Gottfried Makes Love to a Futon video

-Barney the Dinosaur nip slip

-Gort dick pic

-the George Lopez Pleasures Himself to an Episode of Empty Nest tape

-Lady Gaga triple tit slip

A Perving Out Tribute to Entourage

Tonight America says good-bye to a show that has successfully spun its wheels for eight sometimes pretty OK seasons, Entourage. To celebrate, Giant Electric Penguin is ignoring Entourage's male leads (especially Turtle) and posting pictures of our favorite women from the series. Good-bye, Entourage. Thanks for the memories. And the mammaries. Seriously. There were boobs on this show, like, all the time.

Perving Out: Something for the Ladies Edition

I feel like our Perving Out feature has been a little sexist in the past. I'm always posting pictures of pretty ladies in various states of undress and cyber-slobbering over them like a sex-deprived goon. Not this week! No, this week Perving Out is giving the ladies out there a little beefcake to sink their collective teeth into. Feast your perverted eyes on True Blood's sexist undead bloodsucker, Alexander Skarsgård. Hey, look, he's shirtless and in bed in that last one. You're welcome, ladies.

Perving Out: I'd "grind" all up on her "house," if you know what I mean...

There's just something about Michelle Rodriguez in Machete that's got me perving out right now. When she jumps out of the back of that taco truck with an eye patch and a gun the size of the Empire State Building...damn.

Perving Out

Before 2011's San Diego Comic Con fades from our collective memory like a monster-infested fog from a Stephen King short story adapted into a big budget Hollywood flop, I think it's important to point out that America's first Next Top Model, Adrianne Curry, was kicked out of the yearly event for wearing an Aeon Flux outfit that was just a little too sexy. I'll let you guys decide, as I am currently dealing with this massive nerd boner and cannot think straight.

Perving Out

You should really be watching Community. Stuff like this doesn't usually happen, but that shouldn't stop you from checking the show out.

Perving Out: A Double Shot of Kate Beckinsale

Lil' Archie knows how to perv out! You go, you chubby ginger freak!

Kate Beckinsale dressed as a sexy Little Red Riding Hood, eh? I think I got some inappropriate comments for that.

1. "I know a shortcut to Grandmother's house. It's right here in my pants."

2. "I wouldn't mind wolfing down her goodies."

3. "You think your grandma's teeth are big, wait'll you see my balls."

Perving Out: Bender? I Hardly Know Her!

Say hello to our newest feature Pervin' Out, wherein we will present a photograph that we find titillating and/or sexually appealing and proceed to make lewd and lascivious comments about the individuals featured within said picture. Pervin' Out will be a safe and fun way to express our sexuality through bawdy jokings and crude tomfoolery. Let's perv it up, shall we? OK.
Here we have two lady-friends out for a sultry night on the town. The fact that they are disguised as Futurama characters makes it all the better. I only have one thing, well, actually three things, to say to these charming lasses:

1. "I'd like to bend-her over!"

2. "Leela, you're making me-la feel stiff in the bathing suit area!"

3. "I'd very much like to perform a series of crude sexual acts with you two young women if you're up for it. [Insert Futurama-inspired pun]"