Last week, some piece of human garbage (see also "hero worthy of endless praise") hacked Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted the nude pictures of the gorgeous starlet contained within. It was a heinous invasion of privacy, and as such, I refuse to post said pictures on this site. I am however not above providing a link to them. Here is the link. (That probably ain't gonna be around long, folks, but chances are you've seen the pics already. Good for you. Sickos.)When I heard that photos of a naked ScarJo had miraculously found their way onto the internets, I was pretty excited. Call me a perv, but I likes me the pretty ladies, and Johansson is about as pretty as they come. I hadn't been this excited since I heard rumors of a Paige Davis sex tape. I'm not kidding.
Since the beginning of time, mankind has longed to see naked pictures of their betters. Don't believe me? Crack a history book for once in your life, dummy! I've long considered the peeping of ill-gotten celebrity nude pics, sex tapes, and forgotten Playboy spreads as America's true national past time. Forget baseball! I'd rather search the Web for pictures of Helen Mirren in Caligula or Mena Suvari pumping gas in her yoga pants. Those two examples, and many others I could sight but won't because I don't feel like, are easy to find. Don't believe me? Do a Google image search for "mena suvari in yoga pants." I can wait.
The pics we really want to see are the ones we've only heard about second hand, usually from a person who heard it second from some other creep. These are the holy grails of sex pics. Over the years it has become my personal goal to find these long rumored pictures and videos, and add them to my creepy, creepy archives (For reals. They are creepy. Ask anyone.). Here is a list of just a few of the rumored pornographic memorabilias I am looking for. If you've got a lead on any of them, let me know. I'd pay top dollar. Or just steal them from you at gunpoint. Probably the latter, if I'm being honest. OK. Here's the list:
-the Estelle Getty gangbang tape
-Jason Bigg's audition tape for Puppetry of the Penis
-Louie Anderson taint slip at the Bebe's Kids premiere
-the Kevin Smith/Katy Bates sex tape
-Oprah Winfrey scrotum slip at The Brady Bunch Movie premiere
-the Gilbert Gottfried Makes Love to a Futon video
-Barney the Dinosaur nip slip
-Gort dick pic
-the George Lopez Pleasures Himself to an Episode of Empty Nest tape
-Lady Gaga triple tit slip
