All right, what's going on here? I thought Melrose Place was all backstabbing bitches and illicit sex with other people's lovers, not missing wedding rings and lovestruck dental students. This show is totes not tawdry. It's lame. Did the internet lie to me? Not the internet!Let's see. In episode four, "For Love or Money," Jake and his coke-snorting gal pal Perry, hump some paint onto a canvas and attempt to con a dopey LA hipster into thinking it was done by an exciting new artist--played predictably unconvincingly by Jake himself--only to have Jake grow a conscience and reveal that the whole thing is a ruse. What gives, Jake? Insta-consciences have no place in the world of trashy prime-time soaps. And in episode five, "Leap of Faith," Jane discovers she is pregnant and decides to have an abortion behind Michael's back, but doesn't and the episode ends. Listen, I didn't want Jane to get the secret abortion. I wasn't sitting on my couch, going, "C'mon, Jane, abort that thing! Abort it!" waving a pendant. First of all, I was laying on the couch. Secondly, who owns a pro-abortion pendant? What possible use could an individual have for one?
The Melrose Place of Season One is all about flirting with danger, walking up to the edge of tawdriness and deciding, "No thank you. I'm gonna do the right thing. Now let's go to Shooters and play pool, guys!" The show seems nervous to unleash the full crazy I know will become its ultimate legacy. It's waiting for the crazy switch to be thrown that is so frustrating. I've been able to get my tawdry fix from ABC's Revenge and the CW's Gossip Girl (Holy shit, Louis is, like, totally evil now! Who saw that coming?), but Tawdry Tuesday was designed for Melrose Place, and so far the show's been a total dud.
When does this thing heat up, Melrose fans? Is it when Heather Locklear moves in? My wife keeps mentioning Jane's crazy sister. Does she waltz in and mix it up a bit? I don't think I can take much more of Billy's goofiness and Alison's casseroles. Somebody blow up Melrose Place already! Sheesh!
Characters' tawdry pasts: Sandy's had a trailer park abortion; Jake is a former coke addict.
Things I've learned about LA: It is perfectly acceptable to pat a homeless street musician on the shoulder instead of giving him your spare change if you enjoy the music he is performing on his beat-up saxophone
It is super easy to get a job as a barista. You don't need to know anything about coffee, your interview will take exactly 30 seconds, and the ruder you can be to your future boss during said interview, the better.
But seriously...: How did Jake get a job at that coffee shop? Completely ridiculous!
Actual dialogue from the show: Jake: I always liked you in red. Perry: You always liked me in bed. (Ugh.)
