It seems appropriate to start this latest feature with an episode from my favorite television series of all time, The Simpsons. I've been a Simpsons fan from the time my parents bought me the very first Simpsons Christmas Special on VHS. I've stuck with it through bad times (Can we pretend that awful Cheech and Chong episode never happened?) and good, and remain a fan to this very day. I know it's "cool" and "hip" and "now" to drone on and on about how The Simpsons' glory days have long since past, but I find that this sentiment is usually uttered by people who no longer watch the show on a regular basis. I, on the other hand, do continue to enjoy The Simpsons. And speaking of Christmas Specials, did you see the most recent one? It was really good. You owe it to yourself to seek it out. So, yes, I am a Simpsons fan and I plan to pass this nerdy fandom down to my daughter, in the hopes that she will pass it along to the next generation of TV-watching Lawsons. But I'm not here to defend The Simpsons of today, but rather to look back at The Simpsons of yore--ye olde Simpsons, if you will but probably shouldn't--back to one of my favorite episodes, "A Milhouse Divided."
First, let me just come right out and say something: I am apparently fascinated by animated stories about divorce. This will become clearer as the 100 Episodes I Love series continues, but for now, I'm afraid I don't readily have an answer as to why this phenomenon exists. It just does. "A Milhouse Divided" is an a-go-go of divorce, with everybody from the Van Houtens to the Simpsons themselves falling under it's tragic spell.
The episode starts nicely enough, with Marge throwing an intimate dinner party to shake her family out of the dull rut of TV trays and pantless dining it has grown accustomed to as of late. The fact that Kirk and Luann Van Houten, parents of Bart's dorky best friend, Milhouse, announce their intention to get divorced during a round of after-dinner Pictionary, certainly isn't Marge's fault, though she feels terrible about it, prompting a classic life lesson from Homer: "Stop blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and move on."
Luann seems to thrive after the break-up. Kirk's life, however, becomes a downward spiral of misery: he loses his plush job at the cracker factory, is forced to move into a filthy bachelor apartment, and has his car stolen by a wig-swapping receptionist from a local AM radio station named Starla. He does find the time to record a single though, a melancholy tune called "Can I Borrow A Feeling?," but the odds of getting radio play diminish after Starla takes off. Kirk warns Homer not to take his own marriage for granted, explaining that divorce could happen to any couple. Homer is unconvinced until he finds a package of hot dogs thawing in the sink instead of a home-cooked meal one evening.
Homer makes a series of desperate attempts to save his marriage, which he is now convinced is headed for the inevitable, but his actions only make things worse. Seeing no other alternative, Homer gets a quickie divorce (somehow) and throws an impromptu second wedding in the living room, this time inviting Marge's friends and family and hiring a hip rock trio ("Hope you guys like The Doobie Brothers, 'cause we've got one of them.") to play the reception. Inspired by Homer's romantic gesture, Kirk makes one of his own, performing a live version of his terrible, terrible song. Luann is unimpressed and Kirk is escorted outside by American Gladiator and Luann's new boyfriend, Pyro. Thus begins Kirk Van Houten's run as The Simpsons' most pathetic secondary character. More hopelessly pathetic than Principal Skinner and Moe combined, in my opinion, which is sort of why I love him so much.
Bart: If you really want us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.
Marge: You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough.
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Kearney Jr.: I sleep in a drawer
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Kirk: I sleep in a racing car. Do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh. Yeah.
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Kirk: You're letting me go?
Boss: Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So, that's it? After twenty years, "so long, good luck?"
Boss: I don't recall saying good luck.
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Homer apparently maintains a poker shack in the swamp.
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Homer: Good morning, Marge. I was thinking about how much I enjoy your interests, so I wandered over to that theater you went to last night and I bought tickets to their entire season. Look! Mostly Madrigals. Hey, that might be good. Oh! Oh! An Evening With Philip Glass. Just an evening?!? Voices of the Elderly. Mmmmm.
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Marge gets her hair done at The Perm Bank.
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Homer: I'd like to file for divorce.
Lady at Courthouse: These things happen. Eight dollars.
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And, of course, Kirk's awful, awful song.
