For a TV show with a softcore porn soundtrack, Melrose Place is surprisingly wholesome. Married people kissing. Reminders to practice safe sex. Jake's chaste relationship with Kelly Taylor. Where's all the rampant bed-hopping and wanton good times I was promised. This is Tawdry Tuesday, man! A frequently-shirtless Billy is no longer titillating enough.I cheated and read one or two Netflix descriptions of future episodes to find out whether or not things would start "heating up" at 4616 Melrose Place anytime soon. Here's what I got:
Episode 3--"Lost and Found": Alison is impressed that Billy has worked on his screenplay all night. He drops off his completed screenplay, and she reluctantly agrees to read it.
Hmmm. That doesn't seem very sexy on the surface. Maybe Billy is writing a sexy period piece about young society ladies who find themselves yearning for one another sexually. That might be hot. What else you got for me, Melrose Place?
Episode 9--"Responsibly Yours": Billy, while driving his taxi through crowded streets, spots a lady driver in distress. He offers to help but is not an expert in auto repair. Jake stops to talk to Michael.
OK. First of all, this episode is called "Responsibly Yours." Responsible people very rarely engage in condom-free one-night stands or hot and sweaty Hollywood orgies, so there's probably none of that.
Secondly, "Jake stops to talk to Michael?" Is that supposed to excite me? "Wow, I can't believe Jake is going to take a few minutes out of his schedule to converse with Michael! I wonder if it's going to be like that time he had a conversation with Michael in Episode 2. I can't wait to see what they talk about. This could possibly be the most important conversation in television history! Squeeee!"
Speaking of Episode 2, let's speak about it briefly. It is titled "Friends and Lovers," but don't whip out your boners just yet. Very little love is made, and what there is of it is made by married people offscreen. Gross.
In "Friends and Lovers," Billy gets a job as a cab driver. His first fare is a young woman named Marcy. They bond over their mutual hatred for fake people/love of Italian food. Before you know it, Marcy is spending the weekend with Billy and Alison. Alison is bummed, though she can't really explain why. I think it's pretty obvious that she and Billy will hook up eventually, but for now I'll just assume she was pissed off because Marcy ate her last grapefruit.
Anyway, as their weekend of romance comes to a close, Marcy expresses her love for Billy, who freaks out--understandably--and goes to resident high school fingerer, Jake, for girl advice. Billy tells Marcy that she is moving too fast and that he does not feel the same way she does and Marcy swallows a bottle of pills and drowns in the Melrose Place swimming pool.
No she doesn't. She just goes home and studies for her dental exam.
Look, I get why Marcy fell in love with Billy so fast. He is endlessly charming. He's also nice. I know that's an innocuous description for someone, but, in this case, it is apropos. Billy is simply a nice dude. I get why Alison is jealous of Marcy. Billy is genuine and kind and handsome. Dammit, I want to be with him. Not "be with him" be with him, just, you know, hang out with him. We could go to Shooters, down a couple of brews, shoot some pool--bro shit. If things got a little intimate while calling it a night, then so be it. There's worse things you can do than sleep with Andrew Shue probably.Also in this episode...
--Jake gets in a fight at the unemployment office and Kelly bails him out of jail.
--Jane's feelings get hurt when Michael cannot remember the exact moment he fell in love with her.
--Steve Sanders attends a barbecue/pool party at Melrose Place for some reason. Seriously, why is he there?
Questions:
1. Why is Michael the building manager? When Jake complains about his faulty plumbing, Michael gets all combative and pissy. It's your job to listen to resident complaints and fix them, dude. But also, you're a doctor (possibly), Mike! Do you really need the building manager gig on top of that? Your wife already thinks you spread yourself too thin and her legs not enough. Why not choose one job and bone your wife on a regular basis?
2. Marcy is clearly mentally unstable, but is she stupid as well? During a "getting to know you" chat, she makes Billy guess what she "does for a living." He guesses teacher or lawyer; Alison guesses astronaut. They're both wrong. What does Marcy do for a living? She's a dental student. How do you "make a living" as a dental student? No one pays you to be a student, do they?
3. Also, doesn't Marcy owe Billy a shitload of money? She hired his cab and proceeded to spend the entire weekend with him.
