100 Songs I Hate: 27-29

27. "A Case of You" (James Blake)



Listen, I don't know what kind of music you like. Maybe you think this Joni Mitchell cover is the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your entire life up to this point. I think it sounds like, Aaron Neville doing a shoddy, over-the-top impression of himself, like, at a party, for laughs or something. It's boring and it's garbled and I don't like it one bit.

I get this weird feeling when I listen to this song--and the five other songs by Mr. Blake I sampled before concluding that most of his oeuvre is utter garbage--that people who like this guy, probably rabidly like this guy. James Blake seems like one of those artists that has the kind of fans that would be severely and irrationally super pissed off by anything that appeared to denigrate their golden rock god in any way, like, if some bald asshole trashed his music on a little-read, in-no-way-influential pop-culture blog. So, I'll just reiterate that this isn't for me, but if you like it, go ahead and like it.

Also, who would want to drink a case of someone? That's serial killer shit right there, son.

28. "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" (Kip Moore)



Another list of things rednecks enjoy posing as a legitimate song. Hot diggity dang!

Apparently, there is something about a truck, ice cold beer, private property, and drunken swimming at 2 in the morning that is so damn important, Kip Moore just had to write a "song" 'bout it. I think that something is date rape, but I can't be 100-percent certain. I don't want to put words into Moore's mouth, you see. I don't want to put anything in Moore's mouth, especially any more of that ice cold beer. This seems to be how things progress in the song:

1. Moore and a lady friend are driving around in his truck late one night when they come across a farmer's field with a NO TRESPASSING sign posted. They are almost assuredly intoxicated.

2. Ignoring the sign, they drive onto the farmer's land and crack a couple more beers.

3. Moore notices the lady friend's red sundress and decides he needs to take "sexual action" before he makes a "mess" (premature ejaculation?) of himself. The lady friend continues to drink.

4. They kiss. Beer is consumed. Moore probably slips something in the lady friend's drink.

5. They find a creek, take their clothes off, and go swimming.

6. In the water, Moore makes his move.

7. The lady friend does not respond positively, so country singer Kip Moore drowns her in the creek.

8. After drinking the rest of the beers, Moore drives his truck home and records the demo that will eventually become "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" in his home studio.

I sort of had to guess at some of the later stuff, but it's sick, right?

29. "Cartoon Song" (Chris Rice)



I'm almost 99-percent sure GEP has shared this song before. How could we not? It is utterly ridiculous.

First of all, if cartoons got saved, why wouldn't they just say hallelujah in the same normal way other saved individuals say it? I'm not sure I agree with Rice's premise that they would start singing praise in a "whole new way." I think they'd probably join a church and kind of, you know, follow everybody else's lead. It'd be chaos if everyone was doing whatever the heck they wanted during a church service. I've been to a pentecostal church. I've seen it. It was like a circus in there. Some people were running up and down the aisles; others were dancing in front of the altar; the guy next to me was screaming and yelping. Imagine a couple of cartoon characters thrown in doing their own thing. Like, imagine Yogi Bear is next to you shouting "Hey-Boo-Boo-lujah!" To quote Rob Dyrdek, that would be pure ridiculousness.

Secondly, they wouldn't be singing praise in a "whole new way," they'd just be singing praise period. They just got saved, man, I think it's safe to assume they were not singing any sort of praise up to that point. But that's kind of nitpicky, I guess.

Thirdly, Kermit the Frog is not a cartoon. Baby Kermit was, but, c'mon, surely Baby Kermit was in no position to make an informed decision on whether or not he wanted to dedicate his life to the god of the Christian Bible. He was a baby! Babies drool and cry and pee their pants. I know. My daughter is a baby. They don't know what's going on at church. For example, we took Shrimpkin to church on Easter Sunday to see her Pop-Pop in the Easter play and she loved it. She clapped along with the music and shouted excitedly during communion. She didn't know any better. I whispered, "Don't enjoy this too much," to her, but then admitted that the music was pretty good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like a hymn.

Fourthly, everyone knows the Smurfs are Hare Krishnas. Duh!

Fively, why are Beavis and "that other guy" denied salvation? That to me is the most despicable moment in the song. What is Chris Rice saying exactly? That there are limits to Jesus's love? Sorry, Rice, but I believe Beavis and Butthead were the exact types of people Jesus was hanging with when he was doing his Father's work on Earth. I can just see Jesus on that couch between Beavis and Butthead, chomping on nachos and poking fun at Public Image Ltd.

100 Episodes I Love: #3. "Space Madness/The Boy Who Cried Rat" (Ren and Stimpy) (Season 1, Episode 3)

There's a lot to love about Ren and Stimpy--particularly in the salad days when John K was still in charge, though there are still plenty of good ones post-K--but I'm partial to a good, old-fashioned Ren Hoek freak-out. "In The Army" and "Sven Hoek," in which an enraged Ren pisses on an electric fence and blasts himself into Hell, feature two of my very favorite freak-outs, but "Space Madness" is a tour-de-force of complete psychosis. In the episode, Ren plays a spaceship captain on a 36-year mission to the Crab Nebula, his faithful science officer, Stimpy, by his side. During an entry in the captains log, a device that literally sucks the thoughts out of his head in chunks, Ren mentions the titular condition and seems to fear that it may be coming upon him. However, it is time for Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy to take a six year vacation. They start with a quiet meal, but the lack of food choices--they're pretty much stuck with tubes of goo, in flavors geared almost exclusively to felines--sends Ren into a mini-frenzy. Stimpy suggests a calming bath, and it is during this bath that Hoek goes off the deep end:


Ren and Stimpy Space Madness by jtechno0550

It is a classic moment from a classic show, and it leads to the complete annihilation of all history thanks to Stimpy's inability to refrain from pushing the History Eraser Button.

The second cartoon in this episode finds Ren and Stimpy in their roles as hungry, homeless vagrants willing to do anything for a quick five bucks. In "The Boy Who Cried Rat," the duo come up with a pretty ingenious plan: Ren will dress up as a mouse, which really doesn't take much more than a pair of Mickey Mouse style overalls and a Mouseketeer cap; sneak into an unsuspecting homeowners previously vermin-less home; and in the morning, Stimpy will show up and present himself as a skilled rodent exterminator. The scam goes rather well, until Stimpy actually catches Ren and is expected to eat him.

Moments I Love

The commercial for Sugar Frosted Milk, the breakfast treat that murders your cereal apparently.
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Pipe-Smoking Homeowner: Man, that's the ugliest mouse I've ever seen. And he's beating up on our cheese!
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I particularly like the scene in "The Boy Who Cried Rat" where Ren and Stimpy are in the kitchen enjoying sandwiches while continuing to play act that they are engaged in a vicious, life-or-death battle. Slicing the tomato substituting for a violent stabbing is a nice touch.
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Commander Hoek (to his beloved "ice cream bar"): We're not hitchhiking anymore. We're riding!
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The list of chores Ren and Stimpy are expected to do to make up for there mouse infestation ruse: wash the dishes, vacuum the rug, paint the lawn, mow the hedge, and shave the chickens.

Variations on a Theme: Punky Brewster

Variations on a Theme looks at television theme songs/opening credit sequences and breaks them down for the average viewer.

Program: Punky Brewster (1980's)

The Song: "Every Time I Turn Around" is the worst Billy Joel song ever. It is written and performed by a man who has, for some reason, chosen to record his vocals and have his testicles squished in a vice at the same time.

The Opening Credit Sequence: I've never watched Punky Brewster, so all I know about the story is what the opening credit sequence gives me. And what it gives me is the chills. Is this little girl homeless? Does that lady who gives Punky a single coin after she helps carry a bag of groceries wonder what's going on? "Why is there a ten-year-old girl hanging around outside of a grocery store offering to lug grocery bags to people's cars for spare change?" It doesn't seem as if she's concerned at all. What kind of world does this show take place in?

And this old guy. Why is he so angry? Did you see the way he kicked that door? And he obviously hates homeless people. I assume he and Punky are going to hook up at some point and have some wacky misadventures, as I'm fairly certain this was a sitcom and not a depressing expose on the homeless children problem in the 1980's, but by the end of the theme song, he's gone home and Punky's pulling her puppy up a fire escape. And who's feeding that puppy? This show is sick.

Things are starting to look up for ol' Punky in the Season Two opening however:

Punky lives with the angry old man now. She's going to Cubs games. She has African-American friends. She goes camping with the aforementioned African-American friends. Life is good. No more slinging grocery bags for a pittance for Punks. She's moving up in the world.

As I mentioned earlier, I've never seen an episode of this Punky Brewster. I am, unfortunately, familiar with this Punky Brewster:

Oh, brudder. Where do I even start with this thing? The theme song itself isn't so bad. It's sort of a Cyndi Lauper/Doo-wop mash-up that, like any 80's cartoon theme song worth a damn, lodges itself directing into the part of the human brain that collects dopey ephemera and saves it for future nonsensical use. I like it a whole lot more than the live-action Punky theme, which I absolutely hate.

But what of the show itself? While it is true that I watched this cartoon on a regular basis when I was a boy, I couldn't describe one episode to you. I seem to remember that furry gopher thingy having a grating voice, but that is where my hazy memories both begin and end. So, let's judge the entirety of the series through it's opening credit sequence.

1. Does somebody own the rights to leprechauns? Seriously. Is there a family in Ireland who receives a royalty check any time someone slaps a leprechaun on a St. Patrick's Day card or Warwick Davis dons his evil leprechaun costume? We all know what one will find at the end of a rainbow, right? A leprechaun's pot of gold. That's it. Now, I'm willing to consider the idea that a leprechaun him/herself may also live at the rainbow's end, maybe in a tiny, magical village. What I'm not willing to accept is the idea that this tiny village might instead be inhabited by magic gophers. That is clearly a leprechaun village, right? Leprechauns should be there, RIGHT?

(Note: A quick perusal of the Wikipedia entry for It's Punky Brewster, describes Glomer, the bipedal rodent Punky meets at the end of the rainbow, as a "leprechaun gopher." Yeah, that's a thing.)

2. Did every cartoon gang back in the day have to be in a band?

3. There's really nothing else. I mostly have a problem with the magic gopher thing.

(Note: I remembered correctly. Glomer's voice is irritating. Sounds like Slimer. On Slimer, the voice isn't so bad. Coming out of a leprechaun gopher's mouth, it's terrible.)

Variations on a Theme: Monchhichi

Variations on a Theme looks at television theme songs/opening credit sequences and breaks them down for the average viewer.



Program: Monchhichis (1983)

The Song: This theme song is as cute and sweet as the characters that make up the program's cast. It is either the musical equivalent of a) a duckling sharing a bag of multi-colored cotton candy with a kitten wearing a straw hat, b) a baby snowman watching a family of hedgehogs ice skate or c) a half-Asian baby farting rainbows on an elf made of marshmallows. I'm saying it's cute, is all.

The Opening Credit Sequence: Here is the inner monologue that goes through my head whenever I watch the Monchhichi's theme song (Note: I am thinking this in a Brian Fellow voice):

"I hope that parrot doesn't get struck by any lightnings. Oh, what are these things? They're cute. Look at that one playing a piano. That's crazy! They should be careful riding their bikes on a branch like that. Oh, wow, lookit those things. They eat grapes, I guess. These monkeys can make inventions? What? That one is farting rainbows or something. That's silly. Holy shit! What the fuck is that thing? Oh, I don't like those things. They look crazy. Why are they jumping around like that. Hey, you leave those monkeys alone! Oh, hell yeah, them monkeys showed you! They flew away on a hand glider or whatever the fuck it's called. Oh shit, a wizard!"

100 Episodes I Love: #2. "Rapture's Delight" (American Dad) (Season 5, Episode 9)

When it comes to Christmas Specials, you can have your Grinches and your Rudolphs. If you want to spend the Christmas season watching Charlie Brown narrowly avoid suicide for another year, you go for it, man. I like my Christmas specials edgy, profane, and barely about Christmas at all. That's why American Dad's "Rapture's Delight" is not only one of the 100 Episodes I Love, but also my favorite Christmas Special of all-time, along with the sixth season's gorily fantastic "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls." I guess what I'm saying is, American Dad consistently puts out the best Christmas-themed episodes of anything else on TV.

"Rapture's Delight" opens with the Smiths running late for church. The parking lot is packed--it being Christmas morning and all--and Stan is enraged that the pews are packed with phony, once-a-year Christians. To calm him down, Francine takes Stan into the supply closet/slow janitor's living quarters and has sex with him. When they emerge from the closet minutes later, the church is littered with discarded clothing and the congregation, including Hayley and Steve, the Smiths' children, are soaring into the heavens, buck-naked. Stan blames Francine for ruining his chances of being raptured, which causes a rift between them. After Stan chooses to pledge his allegiance to a man claiming to be Jesus Christ--He's not and he sexually assaults Stan in a trash-strewn alley! Merry Christmas, everybody!--Francine leaves him, meets the real Jesus in a 24-hour diner, and becomes the returned Messiah's girlfriend.

We now jump seven years into the future, to a post-apocalyptic America overrun by demons. Stan sits in a saloon, alone and hook-handed, drinking. He is approach by Jesus who tells him that Francine has been abducted by the Anti-Christ, a goofy villain inspired by the old Bat-Man show from the 60's. Stan agrees to help Jesus under one condition: as soon as Francine is safe, Stan gets to be raptured. Jesus agrees and with Roger's help, they infiltrate the Anti-Christ's headquarters and rescue Francine. During the battle, Stan is fatally wounded and Francine finds that he has been wearing their wedding rings around his neck since the day she left him. Stan demands that Francine and Jesus leave the Anti-Christ's lair, as he intends to blow it up. They do. Stan blows up.

Stan is now in Heaven, being led to his own personal paradise for all of eternity. His Heaven ends up being his home with his family on Christmas morning. It's a Christmas miracle!

Now, I'm sure most of you just read this and thought, "What the hell?!" Is this an American Dad episode for beginners? Probably not. It does however display one of American Dad's strengths over every other program associated with FOX's Sunday night Animation Domination block of television. AD doesn't give a shit. They do what they want to do, no matter how silly, weird, dark, or insane it sounds, and the results are, more often than not, amazingly successful. "Rapture's Delight" is a mini epic. It's also hilarious. Christmasy? Not so much.

Moments I Love

Roger: Oh, I love your religion! Virgin birth! Water into wine! It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
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Stan: Damn your clumsy Christmas sex metaphors!
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This explanation of the Ratpure for children:

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Steve's personal Heaven includes a buxom, scantily-clad woman riding a cheeseburger-pooping unicorn. ("Pepperjack cheese. It's my Heaven.")
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Roger: Didn't you hear the puppets? Demons are coming to rape our skulls!

Variations on a Theme: Shirt Tales

Variations on a Theme looks at television theme songs/opening credit sequences and breaks them down for the average viewer.



Program: Shirt Tales (1982-1984)

The Song: Oh, man, this shit is funky! You could make love to this song, you know, until the chubby little panda starts singing. That might be a mood killer. Depends on your partner. Maybe the thought of pantless, cartoon animals in message tees serenading your lovemaking is a turn on to him/her. They say it takes all kinds. I don't know why "they" say it, but "they" do.

The song starts with a funky, bass-heavy beat, but turns into a rather mundane ditty about the services the Shirt Tales provide once the lyrics kick in. Apparently the Shirt Tales can: help you out of a jam; motivate you in some unexplained way if you find yourself paralyzed with fear; and/or assist you when the going gets tough and/or rough. You know what that means: dead hooker disposal.

The Opening Credit Sequence: You know, I kind of feel like that milkman or postal employee (what is he?) who appears at the end of the Shirt Tale's opening credits and shrugs. I don't have any idea what it is the Shirt Tales can do. They have a sweet futuristic car that can fly or be a boat, but I assume their services are specifically catered to children. What problems could arise in a 5-year-old's life that would require the use of a rocket car?

I remember the Shirt Tales, but I don't remember their show. What kind of problems did they solve? What kinds of dangers did they face? Does the rocket car have guns on it? If so, do they fire bullets, G.I. Joe-style lasers, or flower petals? I think the Shirt Tales gang had magical t-shirts or something, but other than that, I'm right there with the confused mail-delivering milkman.

STFU, Aaron Neville!

I have a seven-month-old daughter. For Christmas, the wife and I got her the Fisher-Price Little People's Zoo and as many animals as we could get our hands on. Those little bastards are hard to find. There were always plenty of zoos on the shelf at Toys-R-Us, but never any animals. You need the zoo to hear the animals make their various noises, you idiots. How about leaving some Zoo Talkers for the rest of us, huh?

I'm not complaining. We've got plenty of good animals. You wouldn't believe how a rhinoceros sounds. Quinn also has an ostrich, a gorilla, a lion, a tiger, a bear, a polar bear, a seal, a killer whale, and a dolphin. Now, sure, the zoo in question has nothing more than a tiny pond for the dolphin and the orca to share, but that's OK. I mean, Quinn doesn't care. She spends most of her playtime chewing on Zookeeper Zack's head or repeatedly smacking the red button that triggers zoo announcements ("The animals are hungry!" "There's so many animals to see at the zoo." "The animals are tired. It's bedtime at the zoo." etc.). All that matters to me though is that Quinn is happy. She is welcome to enjoy the zoo however she sees fit, though I do spend probably way too long putting the animals back in their proper areas post-playtime.

What does all of this have to do with the dulcet tones of Mr. Aaron Neville? I'm getting there.

Quinn's zoo came with a DVD. The DVD contains a new Little People's cartoon and four classic episodes. Yes, there is a Little People's TV show. So, Monday night, after Quinn went to bed, me and my wife climbed into bed and watched a couple of episodes. The new Little People's adventure featured some of the dopiest, sub-Dreamworks computer animation I've ever seen, but it was cute, so, screw it. The classic episodes we watched featured sub-Will Vinton-style claymation ("You can see the fingerprints," Jen pointed out several times.) and this theme song:



This is "The Discovery Song." I'm sure you think I'm a huge dick for what you think I am about to write, and you are not completely wrong. This song is dumb, yes. It opens a mediocre-looking children's television program chock full of pumpkin-headed children learning idiotic lessons, true. But I'm not going to waste my time poking fun at the Little People. I love the Little People. We've got so many damn Little People, our house is starting to look like Lilliput. But this song, not unlike a certain little ditty about gates being left open, worms it's way into your head and won't let go. There's only one problem: the only lyric I can ever remember is the two word phrase "discovering Michael." Do you know how embarrassing it is to be sitting at your desk at work and without you even knowing it the words "discovering Michael" spilling out of your mouth in a Neville-style lilt? It's super embarrassing! "Who's this Michael you're discovering, Matt?" your co-worker who happens to be passing by asks. Next thing you know, the whole office thinks that you're carrying on a gay tryst behind your wife's back. I'm not saying that's happened, but it could! The rumor. Not the tryst.

I anticipate this happening quite a bit--dumb, catchy kid songs hooking themselves parasitically into my brain--now that I'm a father. I don't mind. I love dumb, catchy things. My wife doesn't love that I love dumb, catchy things, but that's her cross to bear. I just never thought I would have the phrase "discovering Michael" constantly on the tip of my tongue, ready to rip without my permission, and, for that reason, I respectfully request that you kindly STFU, Aaron Neville.

Variations on a Theme: The Archie Show

Variations on a Theme looks at television theme songs/opening credit sequences and breaks them down for the average viewer.



Program: The Archie Show (1968)

The Song: So, yeah, I'm sorry. "Everything's Archie" is, quite possibly, the catchiest song ever recorded. On top of that, it is really, really stupid. These factors working together are enough to irritate even the most patient of significant others.

The Opening Credit Sequence: First of all, The Archie Show's opening credits were designed to illicit seizures from its viewership, correct? What other explanation is there for the near-constant flashing? I have never experienced any strobe-induced seizures, but I've found as I get older that it gets harder and harder for my brain to withstand any sort of repetitive, flashing nonsense. I have to watch this sequence through laced fingers, eyes squinted. You might be asking, "Why do you have to watch this at all?" to which I can only respond, good point.

Secondly, why is it so important that Jughead is present? His drumsticks seem to be doing all right without him.

And are we to believe that Hot Dog is The Archies' band leader? That seems a tad dubious, no?

Movie Penguin Monday: #15. Christmas Classics Vol. 1 (1952)

It's Christmastime and you want some appropriate holiday fare, right? Well, what could provide your family with more Christmasy fun then a collection of moldy old cartoons from the 30's, 40's and 50's, purported to be certified classics? Turns out, almost anything else actually.

I expect a certain level of quality when I see the word "classic" attached to something. Classics are stories everybody loves; tales we grow up knowing as if they were part of our very DNA. I can't pinpoint the exact moment I heard the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the first time, I simply knew that when the air got cold and my dad lugged our Christmas tree out of the basement, it was time to start singing about Christmas's most unlikely little hero. Rudolph is a classic character and, as far as TV specials go, you don't get any more classic than Rankin/Bass's stop motion triumph, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. That was my favorite part of Christmas growing up. Sure, I used to be deathly afraid of the Abominable Snow Monster and hide behind the couch whenever he lurched across the screen, but I loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, the version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that opens Christmas Classics Vol 1 is not the Rankin/Bass one. I'm not sure who put this one together, but I have a theory that it was belched up half-formed from the pits of Hell. I'm probably way off. It is a theory after all.

This Rudolph is not featured in Christmas Classics Vol 1. Sorry, everybody in the world.

In Classics' version of Rudolph, reindeer have conquered the Earth, a la Planet of the Apes. The reindeer walk on two legs, celebrate religious holidays, and maintain their own Roman-style coliseum, I assume for gladiator fights, though we only see it used by Santa (the last surviving human being on the planet???) to thank Rudolph for guiding his sleigh through the fog.

I know what you're saying: "If there are no more humans, who is Santa delivering presents to?" Easy. Other animals. On the aforementioned foggy Christmas Eve, Santa is seen dropping presents off for all manner of woodland creatures, none of them even remotely human, unless wearing pajamas makes a bunny rabbit a tad human-ish. Sorry, Jack, but we don't exist in this nightmare world. Santa is the only one with memories of humanity's past. What he chooses to do with this knowledge, we may never know, but this seems as good a time as any to discuss Santa's house.

In "Rudolph," Santa lives in a cliffside fortress like Skeletor. It's creepy. When his drawbridge opens into the yawning maw that is the pitch black crevasse that protects his castle from the bloodthirsty animals who've eradicate humankind but have continued to live in our now empty cities and adopted our methods of dress and two-legged locomotion, I half expected some sort of Dracula-style Santa-bat to soar into the night sky. Like Man-Bat with a fluffy white beard and a sack full of toys.

While "Rudolph's" Santa hangs out in digs more appropriate for a Bond villain, the Santa in our second cartoon "classic" lives a bit more humbly (see also: North Pole trash). In "Santa's Surprise," Santa's house is revealed to be nothing more than a shabby, cluttered chalet. The kitchen sink is piled with dirty dishes, soiled laundry lies in stinky piles here and there, and Santa sleeps in a twin bed much to small for his immense girth. Luckily, a collection of kids from all over the world have smuggled themselves onto Santa's sleigh and as soon as the fat man is asleep, they break in and start cleaning up the joint. It's kind of sweet. Oh, and totally racist.

To be fair, "Santa's Surprise" was made in 1947, so many of it's racist overtones can be forgiven, but is there really a reason the little girl from Hawaii had to be topless? One, I've been to Hawaii and I've watched women hula dance. While it is true that they wear grass skirts, it is not true--as far as I saw--that their breasts are exposed. They wear bikini tops or, I guess in extreme cases, coconut shells. Two, this particular little girl is in the North Pole. She's wearing a grass skirt and, literally, nothing else. How is she even alive? Yes, Blacks and Asians are both represented cruelly and unfairly, but for Pete's sake, let the little Hawaiian girl put a damn shirt on!

"Santa's Surprise" also marks the first appearance of Little Audrey, but who gives a shit. This thing is racist-er than hell.

Another recurring theme in the cartoons that make up Christmas Classics is extreme poverty, usually associated with orphans. Yes, apparently in the old days, orphans were abandoned in shabby wooden shacks and left to, I don't know, die, I guess. Grampy--one of Betty Boop's regular co-stars--happens by one of these orphan death cottages in "Christmas Comes But Once A Year." Before ol' Grampy enters the picture, a houseful of orphans awake on Christmas morning to a roomful of beautifully wrapped presents. It's a Christmas miracle! The orphans have too many toys and stuffed animals then they know what to do with! It doesn't take long, however, to see that the toys they've been given--presumably by Santa Claus, as there appears to be no adult supervision whatsoever--are cheap and shoddily built. Everything falls apart and the orphans collapse into fits of crying. Grampy sees this pitiful display, lets himself in through the kitchen window, and builds new toys for the orphans, using common household items. Items, I might add, that the orphans need to prepare food. The only food in the orphan shack of sadness though seems to be popcorn, which Grampy uses to make garland. All the orphans are happy and appreciative. My guess is that they all died shortly after Grampy's visit, having no food or anything else. Oh, Grampy.

"Christmas Comes But Once A Year" opens with the most depressing rendition of "The First Noel" you've ever heard. Couple that with crying orphans and you'd got yourself a recipe for a holiday suicide.

The less said about "Snow Foolin'," the next cartoon on the program, the better. I will quickly mention that it does feature an ice-skating, cigarette-smoking penguin and a seemingly endless "Jingle Bells" sing-a-long. Also, a chicken calls one of her eggs "hen fruit." Have you ever heard that before in your life? Hen fruit? Ick.

The next cartoon, "Hector's Hectic Life," concerns a dog named Princie who must keep three precocious puppies in line or else he's out in the streets, which led me to the question, "Who the fuck is Hector?"

I've already mentioned my love of Rudolph, but who are some other beloved Christmastime characters. You've got Santa. Frosty the Snowman. Buddy the Elf from Elf. Baby Jesus.

How 'bout Jack Frost? Anybody clamoring for more cartoons about him? I wasn't, but we get one here. I'm not entirely sure what makes 1934's "Jack Frost" a Christmas classic. Christmas isn't mentioned once, in fact, there's an entire scene featuring singing Jack-O-Lanterns and a scatting scarecrow. There is a dude with a beard, but he sure ain't jolly. Old Man Winter is depicted as a leering, drippy ghoul who tortures animals just because he can. Of course, the animal he chases around during the cartoon is a whiny, irritating baby grizzly bear who thinks he's better than everybody else. Stupid baby grizzly.

After Jack Frost saves the day with this magical paint brush, it's back to unsupervised orphans and blatant racism. In "The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives," a pants-less waif is visited by a tubbier-than-usual Santa Claus with singing Tourette's. Santy whisks the orphan away to his haunted workshop and things get pretty racist pretty fast. The cartoon ends with Santa's haunted toys and his guest orphan setting fire to a Christmas tree. They all perish in the fire and Santa collapses into the snow, sobbing, until he dies of exposure.

Nah! I'm just joshing! The orphan puts the fire out with a bagpipe full of water. What a resourceful orphan!
Christmas Classics Vol. 1 wraps up with a cartoon I've seen many times that never fails to depress the shit out of me. Seriously, have you seen "Somewhere in Dreamland?" This thing is dire, man. That being said, I actually kind of like this cartoon, though I have no idea why it's been included in this collection.

The story opens with two destitute children collecting firewood in town. They are dressed in rags--the boy doesn't even have shoes on his feet and it's snowing!--and some local merchants feel all bad about it and stuff. The brother and sister return home to their mother--phew! no orphans for once, though that mother of theirs doesn't exactly look well--and enjoy a dinner of stale bread and water. Then it's off to their sad little beds with their moth-eaten blankets. The brother and sister sing a dumb little song to each other about hooking up in Dreamland and then--BOOM--we're there! Dreamland is a wondrous place with fields of ice cream cones, a syrup river, and all the doughnuts, cake, candy, and popcorn a growing child could ever want. Because that is what starving almost-orphans want: junk food. Anyway, the kids wake up to a kitchen table full of food, including a freshly roasted turkey, donated by the aforementioned merchants. The kids go straight for the sweets however. Don 't eat those sweets, almost-orphans! You'll rot out whatever teeth you might have left in your oozing, infected gums.

I had the same thought at the end of "Somewhere in Dreamland" this time that I always do: That's nice of the local butcher, baker, and toy-maker to provide this poor family with delicious food and fun toys, but are they going to do it every day? It's not like after this one meal, these kids will never need to eat again. And what's going to happen when their mother inevitably dies of starvation? She looks like an emaciated Olive Oyl! What, is Santy gonna pick them up and drop them off at his racist toy shop for the night? That place is a tinderbox, man! What happens if the tree gets set on fire again and there aren't any bagpipes handy? This is what I think about at night.

(Christmas Classics Vol. 1 also features a reading of "The Night Before Christmas," but by that point, I couldn't take anymore.)

DC Marvel Comics Cartoons Wallpapers

Superheroes Wallpapers. Superheroes Pictures - Comics Book Characters - Movie Characters - DC Heroes - Marvel Heroes - X Men - Justice League of America .Marvel & DC SuperHeroes Wallpapers. Posted by Omar on Mar 7, ... Grab one of these cool wallpapers! For your PC's, laptops, cellphones, PDA's, wallpapers of the most famous superheroes, like Superman, Batman Robin Spiderman Ironman wonder women captain america.

DC Marvel Comics Cartoons Wallpapers

Superheroes Wallpapers. Superheroes Pictures - Comics Book Characters - Movie Characters - DC Heroes - Marvel Heroes - X Men - Justice League of America .Marvel & DC SuperHeroes Wallpapers. Posted by Omar on Mar 7, ... Grab one of these cool wallpapers! For your PC's, laptops, cellphones, PDA's, wallpapers of the most famous superheroes, like Superman, Batman Robin Spiderman Ironman wonder women captain america.

Comic Cartoons Bleach Wallpappers

Bleach Wallpaper Comic Cartoons Backgrounds.Anime and manga wallpapers, video game desktop backgrounds Bleach Wallpaper Wallpapers. ... Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni Wallpapers · Ichimaru Gin Wallpapers · Tousen Kaname Wallpapers · Nova Wallpapers.Free Bleach Wallpaper, Aburai Renji, Bankai, Bleach Wallpaper, Bleach captains, Kenpachi, Hitsugaya, Kuchiki, Bleach Anime, Wallpaper Hitsugaya.

Comic Cartoons Bleach Wallpappers

Bleach Wallpaper Comic Cartoons Backgrounds.Anime and manga wallpapers, video game desktop backgrounds Bleach Wallpaper Wallpapers. ... Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni Wallpapers · Ichimaru Gin Wallpapers · Tousen Kaname Wallpapers · Nova Wallpapers.Free Bleach Wallpaper, Aburai Renji, Bankai, Bleach Wallpaper, Bleach captains, Kenpachi, Hitsugaya, Kuchiki, Bleach Anime, Wallpaper Hitsugaya.

My Favorite Cartoon

Now that I've shared with you some of my favorite cartoon series, I thought I'd share my favorite cartoon episode of all time, a little gem from 1936 entitled "I Love to Singa." I don't remember how old I was when I first saw "Singa," but I know it affected me in a major way, so much so that when I saw it for the second time as an adult, I was instantly transported back to my youth.

One reason "I Love to Singa" has remained so important to me over the years has to do with my mother. I remember sitting in the kitchen one morning with her while she cooked breakfast--I think I was home visiting from college--and for some reason I started talking about "that cartoon with the little singing owl." "That was my favorite cartoon," I told her and was shocked when she told me that "Singa" had been her favorite cartoon when she was a child. I thought that was pretty cool.

Anyway, here it is, my favorite cartoon of all time, "I Love to Singa." Enjoy.

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

8. Colonel Bleep

Another weirdo, limited-animation series from the 1950's, Colonel Bleep has the distinction of being the first ever color cartoon made for television. It is also the first, and only, program to focus on the unlikely friendship between a gumdrop-headed, unicycle-riding extraterrestrial (the title character), a cowboy marionette named Squeek, and an unfrozen caveman with the unfortunate name of Scratch. Over 104, 5-minute episodes, Bleep, Squeek and Scratch clashed with various evildoers, most of which wore dark clothing and had their name preceded by the word "Black," righting wrongs and saving the world from imminent danger, always while barely seeming animated at all.

I'm not going to lie: a big Hollywood reboot of Colonel Bleep might be appealing. There is enough oddball charm to the concept (An alien who hurtles through the stars on an intergalactic unicycle! A living cowboy puppet! A caveman named Scratch!) that in the right hands, a Colonel Bleep movie could be a real crowd pleaser, provided the crowd is mostly made up of weirdos like me.

Verdict: Weird

9. Elfen Lied

From my detailed description/review of Elfen Lied, which can be found on the Movie Penguin blog:

Elfen Lied is a challenging piece of visceral entertainment about betrayal, disillusionment, loneliness, unrequited love, jealousy, intolerance, genocide, violence, hatred, and pain. It is depressing, thought-provoking, and at times extremely difficult to look at, making it perhaps one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had during my years of watching Japanese animation. It's been said so much that it has become cliche, but Elfen Lied provides a more meaningful exploration of the human condition in 13, 20-minute animated episodes than most live-action American dramatic series do over multiple seasons. To put it quite simply, Elfen Lied kicks major ass.

Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Awesome

10. Tom Goes to the Mayor

The few individuals who have seen and been delighted by my "Rats Off To Ya" t-shirt--a group that includes at least two Disney World employees, one of which helped me into a go-cart on the Tomorrowland Speedway--are already familiar with Tom Goes to the Mayor, a limited-animation gem from the brilliantly twisted minds of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim. Tom tells the story of one Mr. Tom Peters, a hapless visionary who wants to improve conditions in Jefferton, perhaps the dumbest town in America (Think Springfield if it were populated by nothing but thousands of Homer Simpsons) for his lumpy, misshapen stepsons and caustic, morbidly-obese, scooter-bound wife, but is thwarted at every step by Jefferton's well-meaning, but completely batshit crazy mayor.

Tom Goes to the Mayor was very polarizing when it first aired in 2004. I was introduced to the program by my brother-in-law and, for me, it was love at first sight. Tom Goes to the Mayor established Tim and Eric as new comic luminaries and rebooted my interest in Adult Swim's programming. If it hadn't been for Tom, I would've never returned in time for Squidbillies or Tim and Eric's epic follow-up, Awesome Show Great Job.

Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, Weird

11. Adventure Time

There is so much to love about Cartoon Network's new series Adventure Time--the quirky character design, the fanciful landscapes, the edgy writing, the oddball theme song, John DiMaggio's unmistakably awesome voice--that I've had no problem whatsoever deeming it my Lost replacement after that show ends its epic run this Sunday. Sure, I'm going to miss Jack, Not- Locke, and fun time Hurley, but Jake (the dog) and Finn (the human) will soften the blow, I'm sure.

Why do I love Adventure Time so damn much? Well, it only took one little scene to make me fall in love forever. Jake and Finn are walking through a magical forest and Finn starts to sing, his voice auto-tuned to perfection. Jake asks, "Hey, Finn, how do you sing like that?" And Finn answers, "Remember that computer I swallowed?" Gold!

Verdict: Hilarious, Weird

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

5. Clutch Cargo

Calling Clutch Cargo an "animated program" is like calling Joaquin Phoenix a "rap artist."

In the 1950's, a television cameraman and his buddy created the process of Syncro-Vox optical printing, which sounds a whole lot cooler than it actually is. Basically, Syncro-Vox consists of static cartoon images with real human lips superimposed over them providing the limited movement that gives Syncro-Vox animation its highly debatable right to be referred to as animation at all. If you were a loyal viewer of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, you've basically seen Clutch Cargo, you just didn't know it.

Clutch Cargo follows the adventures of handsome writer/pilot Clutch Cargo, his prepubescent chum, Spinner (No, really), and Spinner's canine companion, Paddlefoot. The three unlikely adventurers travel all over the world solving goofy mysterious with the help of Clutch's various ethnic pals. Yes, it's a virtual racial stereotypes parade on the Clutch Cargo show, my favorite being Snowshoe the Eskimo. Oogle-Loogle, indeed.

Verdict: Weird

6. A Little Snow Fairy Sugar
I know what you're thinking: "GEP expects me to watch some stupid show about hyperactive fairies who control the four seasons with magical instruments? That's lame ass girl stuff." OK, it may be girly kinda, but A Little Snow Fairy Sugar is far from being "lame ass." True, it is about a little girl, named Saga, who lives in a German village with her grandmother and dreams of being a talented piano player like her dead mother. And, yes, Saga does befriend a talkative sprite named Sugar who is training to be a Season Fairy. And, fine, the show is crammed full of cutesy, frou-frou girl stuff. But it's also a deeply touching story of friendship and grief with a message about chasing your dreams and following your heart. But most importantly, it's a show about waffles, or "WAFFOS!" as Sugar is prone to shouting at least 100 times an episode.

Verdict: Cute (Awwwwwww)

7. Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures
What happens when you put Ralph Bakshi, John K. (of Ren and Stimpy, another animation must view that will not be appearing on this list for reasons beyond my control), and a whole assortment of other weirdo animation upstarts in a room together and toss them a cultural touchstone like Mighty Mouse? You guessed it: cancellation.

Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures was way ahead of its time, meaning it couldn't possibly last longer than two seasons. It's unfortunate that the Mighty Mouse crew was cranking out some of the very best episodes just as the show was hurtling toward the inevitable end. As is usually the case, a religious killjoy was to blame for the show's demise, after he complained that Mighty Mouse was shown snorting cocaine in one episode, which he he was very clearly not. I'm glad Donald Wildmon never saw the one where Gandy Goose and Sourpuss the Cat are shown to be in a committed gay relationship. He's head probably would've exploded.

There are too many classic episodes of Mighty Mouse to discuss, but I defy you to watch the one featuring The Tree Weasels (a rodent singing group parodying Alvin and the Chipmunks) singing their hit song "Twitch and Writhe" and not find yourself humming the tune incessantly over the next few months.

Verdict: Hilarious, Weird

END PART 2. NEXT TIME...more weird shit from the 1950's, extreme gore and nudity from Japan, the best Adult Swim show ever, and my latest, greatest discovery!

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

1. Felix the Cat

While visiting Rehoboth Beach, DE last year, the wife and I stopped by a local Wal-mart to purchase some jerky and socks (It's sort of like a tradition). I wandered into the Home Entertainment Department, as I am wont to do, and there on a shelf of discount DVDs I found what I considered at the time to be the Holy Grail of sensibly priced DVD box sets of public domain material: Mill Creek Entertainment's Giant 600 Cartoon Collection. The set boldly promised "over 60 hours of entertainment!" and appearances from the most classic of animated characters, including Popeye, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and Betty Boop. Obviously, I had to have it, and, hell, there's no sales tax in DE, so I got it for a song (Not literally, though I did serenade the cashier and he did say he enjoyed my voice.).

Predictably, most of the cartoons included on the 600 Cartoon Collection were duds. Most, but not all. I found myself intrigued by the weirdness and wanton sexuality of Ms. Boop, and I will be forever haunted by the nightmarish, early stop-motion versions of popular fairy tales included in the set. Only the Felix the Cat cartoons peppered throughout the 12 DVDs though made the concept of "repeated viewing" a viable option. I have had my fill of Popeye the Sailor and his ho-hum world of spinach-sucking and fisticuffs. The universe Felix inhabits, however, is a treasure trove of oddball insanity. The earliest Felix cartoons are grimy and weathered, not at all up to the exacting standards of today's sugar-crazed toddlers. Today's kids seemingly want flashing lights and promotional tie-ins. Give me a black and white Felix joint, accompanied by some old time piano, and I'm a happy manchild. I've never dropped acid, but my guess is the experience is not unlike watching Felix cartoons at three in the morning.

Verdict: Weird

2. Happy Tree Friends

Recently I described Happy Tree Friends to my wife as "the real life Itchy and Scratchy," before realizing that I perhaps uttered the dumbest statement ever. Upon reflection, however, the statement doesn't seem so stupid. Yes, Happy Tree Friends does not, in fact, take place on the same plane of existence in which we work, eat, and copulate each day, but it is an animated program that embraces fully the orgy of violence on display in Bart Simpson's favorite cartoon.

I introduced my friend and fellow GEP writer, Jonathan, to Happy Tree Friends a couple of weeks ago, and used my newly honed, less-stupid-sounding description to give him an idea of what was about to be projected into his eyeholes: "It's, like, imagine the moment in every Roadrunner cartoon where Wile E. Coyote runs headlong off of a cliff and smacks the ground in a puff of smoke, only when he lands now, his body bursts open and his bloody entrails go soaring through the air and wrap themselves around the Roadrunner's face, causing the Roadrunner to run directly into a passing truck and splatter into a million fleshing pieces on the truck's windshield."

There's something about cartoon violence taken to an obscene extreme that somehow makes it more palatable. And, heck, isn't it at least a little funny to watch adorable woodland creatures be disemboweled with medical precision? If your answer is no, please, do not watch Happy Tree Friends. And for Pete's sake, don't let your kids watch, unless you're punishing them or trying to traumatize them in some way that I'd rather you keep to yourself.

Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Hilarious

3. The Super Milk Chan Show

I'm a big anime fan, but as a general rule I steer clear of "funny" anime programs. I don't know if the jokes are lost in translation or what, but most "comedic anime" (There's probably some Japanese term for it, but I'm too lazy to look it up. Help me out, nerds!) annoys the shit out of me.

Milk Chan is the exception. On the surface, it looks like a cutesy show about a drooling toddler named Milk who lives in a house shaped like a baby bottle with her closest chums, an outdated robot water cooler and a tennis shoe-sized worm. Then Milk opens her mouth and lets the filth (and aforementioned drool) fly. She repeatedly refers to her motherly robot pal, Tetsuko, as a "dumbass," uses her landlord's closeted homosexuality to get out of paying her rent, and exploits the President of Everything's blatant stupidity whenever he calls her on the hotline with an important mission. And I haven't even mentioned the dysfunctional family of ants living in Milk's front yard or Dr. Eyepatch.

Milk Chan is repetitive for sure--you'll catch on to its formula two episodes in--but it's never dull and, yes, it's actually pretty funny.

Verdict: Hilarious, Weird

4. The Life and Times of Tim

As a younger man, I was big time into Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist. In fact, it was through Dr. Katz, the very first Squigglevision series, if I'm not mistaken, that I was introduced to some of my favorite funny people for the first time--H. Jon Benjamin, Marc Maron, Laura Silverman, Todd Barry, Ray Romano, among others. The animation was not the draw, obviously. I enjoyed the rambling quality of the voice performances. The characters had real conversations. Sure, they were funnier conversations than one would typically have in a day, but they sounded kinda like real life. Characters talked over one another, laughed when someone said something funny. I liked it. I could just imagine Jon Benjamin and Jonathan Katz sitting in a room together just chattin'. I don't know if this is how it was done, but wouldn't it be nice?

HBO's The Life and Times of Tim takes that Dr. Katz magic--limited animation, rambling conversations--and brings it back. I used to describe it to people as "an animated Curb Your Enthusiasm" until I realized one day that Tim is much funnier than Curb has ever been. Tim, like Larry, repeatedly finds himself in uncomfortable situations in which he is usually the object of ridicule and/or scorn. The difference, however, is that Tim is endlessly likable. Sure, his OmniCorp co-workers may be piling on the shit, but Tim never loses his cool, never bites back. He takes it like the easy-going schmuck he is and while some viewers may find his lack of motivation or spine pathetic, I find it charming and hilarious. Plus, the voice cast is full of comic luminaries, including Bob Odenkirk, Andrew Daly, Paul F. Thompkins, and Dr. Katz alum Marc Maron.

Verdict: Hilarious

END OF PART 1. NEXT TIME...the very definition of "limited animation," more anime cuteness, and the rebirth of a hero.