Program: Punky Brewster (1980's)
The Song: "Every Time I Turn Around" is the worst Billy Joel song ever. It is written and performed by a man who has, for some reason, chosen to record his vocals and have his testicles squished in a vice at the same time.
The Opening Credit Sequence: I've never watched Punky Brewster, so all I know about the story is what the opening credit sequence gives me. And what it gives me is the chills. Is this little girl homeless? Does that lady who gives Punky a single coin after she helps carry a bag of groceries wonder what's going on? "Why is there a ten-year-old girl hanging around outside of a grocery store offering to lug grocery bags to people's cars for spare change?" It doesn't seem as if she's concerned at all. What kind of world does this show take place in?
And this old guy. Why is he so angry? Did you see the way he kicked that door? And he obviously hates homeless people. I assume he and Punky are going to hook up at some point and have some wacky misadventures, as I'm fairly certain this was a sitcom and not a depressing expose on the homeless children problem in the 1980's, but by the end of the theme song, he's gone home and Punky's pulling her puppy up a fire escape. And who's feeding that puppy? This show is sick.
Things are starting to look up for ol' Punky in the Season Two opening however:
Punky lives with the angry old man now. She's going to Cubs games. She has African-American friends. She goes camping with the aforementioned African-American friends. Life is good. No more slinging grocery bags for a pittance for Punks. She's moving up in the world.
As I mentioned earlier, I've never seen an episode of this Punky Brewster. I am, unfortunately, familiar with this Punky Brewster:
Oh, brudder. Where do I even start with this thing? The theme song itself isn't so bad. It's sort of a Cyndi Lauper/Doo-wop mash-up that, like any 80's cartoon theme song worth a damn, lodges itself directing into the part of the human brain that collects dopey ephemera and saves it for future nonsensical use. I like it a whole lot more than the live-action Punky theme, which I absolutely hate.
But what of the show itself? While it is true that I watched this cartoon on a regular basis when I was a boy, I couldn't describe one episode to you. I seem to remember that furry gopher thingy having a grating voice, but that is where my hazy memories both begin and end. So, let's judge the entirety of the series through it's opening credit sequence.
1. Does somebody own the rights to leprechauns? Seriously. Is there a family in Ireland who receives a royalty check any time someone slaps a leprechaun on a St. Patrick's Day card or Warwick Davis dons his evil leprechaun costume? We all know what one will find at the end of a rainbow, right? A leprechaun's pot of gold. That's it. Now, I'm willing to consider the idea that a leprechaun him/herself may also live at the rainbow's end, maybe in a tiny, magical village. What I'm not willing to accept is the idea that this tiny village might instead be inhabited by magic gophers. That is clearly a leprechaun village, right? Leprechauns should be there, RIGHT?
(Note: A quick perusal of the Wikipedia entry for It's Punky Brewster, describes Glomer, the bipedal rodent Punky meets at the end of the rainbow, as a "leprechaun gopher." Yeah, that's a thing.)
2. Did every cartoon gang back in the day have to be in a band?
3. There's really nothing else. I mostly have a problem with the magic gopher thing.
(Note: I remembered correctly. Glomer's voice is irritating. Sounds like Slimer. On Slimer, the voice isn't so bad. Coming out of a leprechaun gopher's mouth, it's terrible.)
