30. "Californication" (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
There are people on this planet--they may even live in your neighborhood, delivery your pizzas or let their dogs bark at you whenever you are in your driveway minding your own business--that think "Californication" by Red Hot Chili Peppers is great poetry. I find its lyrics dumb, but, fine, let's join the brutish crowd and assume that "Californication" is saying something profound. It isn't, but we're pretendin'. I'm willing to believe you, weirdos who champion this supremely silly song, when you assert that Anthony Kiedis is lamenting the "Hollywood-ization" of the planet and how everything is fake and empty and meaningless, but what the fuck does the phrase "firstborn unicorn" have to do with anything? Seriously. Stop analyzing this middle schooler's diary poem for a moment and explain "firstborn unicorn." You can't, because it is ridiculous. As is the follow-up line "hardcore soft porn." What?!?
OK, pretend time is over. This song is chock full of ridiculous bullshitty lines and references that give the impression of depth, but provide nothing but a broken neck and a lifetime of wheelchair livin' to anyone who mistakenly dives in. It is garbage.
Say something nice, bro: It's got a nice groove to it.
A note to 96.1 FM: I mentioned our local "classic rock" radio station last month and how they never play "Dream Weaver" (still haven't played it!!!). They do, however, play a shit ton of ZZ Top (ugh), ACDC (that's fine), and RHCP. Now, I'm not immune to the inherent grooviness found in the Chili Pepper's earlier output, but they don't play that stuff. They play this song. ALL THE TIME! Well, this one and that one from The Coneheads movie soundtrack. They play the Coneheads song! C'mon, 96.1 FM! Ever heard of a little song called "Higher Ground?"
GEP insists: Following that link above will lead to hours of forehead slapping enjoyment. You're welcome.
31. "Self Esteem" (The Offspring)
I was a fan of The Offspring in high school. I'm not going to go back and alter my musical history. My friend Brent got me Smash for Christmas and we listened the shit out it. We also loved Bush. That's right. I enjoyed the music of Bush and The Offspring in high school. I also listened to a lot of ska. Oh, brother. Ska.
There was probably a time when I really enjoyed "Self Esteem." I had a girl that I was utterly devoted to who embraced me or brushed me off completely depending on her mood, so I could relate to Dexter Holland's words. I also liked to jump frantically around my room to loud rock music until my parents yelled at me to stop shaking the whole house. As an adult, however, I listen to "Self Esteem"--and they play it all the damn time on, you guessed it, 96.1 FM--and one line strikes me as odd. I bet you already know what I'm going to write, but I'll write it anyway:
"I took her back and I made her dessert."
He made her dessert? Like, he made her an ice cream sundae or something? This song is dumb.
32. "3 Second Rule" (Lisa Gail Allred)
For everyone who has had enough auto tune: are you sure?
33. "When She Was Mine" (Lawson)
You have to change your band's name, like, right now. Seriously. Change it. I will sue.
Showing posts with label 100 songs I hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 100 songs I hate. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
100 Songs I Hate: 27-29
27. "A Case of You" (James Blake)
Listen, I don't know what kind of music you like. Maybe you think this Joni Mitchell cover is the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your entire life up to this point. I think it sounds like, Aaron Neville doing a shoddy, over-the-top impression of himself, like, at a party, for laughs or something. It's boring and it's garbled and I don't like it one bit.
Listen, I don't know what kind of music you like. Maybe you think this Joni Mitchell cover is the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your entire life up to this point. I think it sounds like, Aaron Neville doing a shoddy, over-the-top impression of himself, like, at a party, for laughs or something. It's boring and it's garbled and I don't like it one bit.
I get this weird feeling when I listen to this song--and the five other songs by Mr. Blake I sampled before concluding that most of his oeuvre is utter garbage--that people who like this guy, probably rabidly like this guy. James Blake seems like one of those artists that has the kind of fans that would be severely and irrationally super pissed off by anything that appeared to denigrate their golden rock god in any way, like, if some bald asshole trashed his music on a little-read, in-no-way-influential pop-culture blog. So, I'll just reiterate that this isn't for me, but if you like it, go ahead and like it.
Also, who would want to drink a case of someone? That's serial killer shit right there, son.
28. "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" (Kip Moore)
Another list of things rednecks enjoy posing as a legitimate song. Hot diggity dang!
Apparently, there is something about a truck, ice cold beer, private property, and drunken swimming at 2 in the morning that is so damn important, Kip Moore just had to write a "song" 'bout it. I think that something is date rape, but I can't be 100-percent certain. I don't want to put words into Moore's mouth, you see. I don't want to put anything in Moore's mouth, especially any more of that ice cold beer. This seems to be how things progress in the song:
1. Moore and a lady friend are driving around in his truck late one night when they come across a farmer's field with a NO TRESPASSING sign posted. They are almost assuredly intoxicated.
2. Ignoring the sign, they drive onto the farmer's land and crack a couple more beers.
3. Moore notices the lady friend's red sundress and decides he needs to take "sexual action" before he makes a "mess" (premature ejaculation?) of himself. The lady friend continues to drink.
4. They kiss. Beer is consumed. Moore probably slips something in the lady friend's drink.
5. They find a creek, take their clothes off, and go swimming.
Also, who would want to drink a case of someone? That's serial killer shit right there, son.
28. "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" (Kip Moore)
Another list of things rednecks enjoy posing as a legitimate song. Hot diggity dang!
Apparently, there is something about a truck, ice cold beer, private property, and drunken swimming at 2 in the morning that is so damn important, Kip Moore just had to write a "song" 'bout it. I think that something is date rape, but I can't be 100-percent certain. I don't want to put words into Moore's mouth, you see. I don't want to put anything in Moore's mouth, especially any more of that ice cold beer. This seems to be how things progress in the song:
1. Moore and a lady friend are driving around in his truck late one night when they come across a farmer's field with a NO TRESPASSING sign posted. They are almost assuredly intoxicated.
2. Ignoring the sign, they drive onto the farmer's land and crack a couple more beers.
3. Moore notices the lady friend's red sundress and decides he needs to take "sexual action" before he makes a "mess" (premature ejaculation?) of himself. The lady friend continues to drink.
4. They kiss. Beer is consumed. Moore probably slips something in the lady friend's drink.
5. They find a creek, take their clothes off, and go swimming.
6. In the water, Moore makes his move.
7. The lady friend does not respond positively, so country singer Kip Moore drowns her in the creek.
8. After drinking the rest of the beers, Moore drives his truck home and records the demo that will eventually become "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" in his home studio.
I sort of had to guess at some of the later stuff, but it's sick, right?
29. "Cartoon Song" (Chris Rice)
I'm almost 99-percent sure GEP has shared this song before. How could we not? It is utterly ridiculous.
First of all, if cartoons got saved, why wouldn't they just say hallelujah in the same normal way other saved individuals say it? I'm not sure I agree with Rice's premise that they would start singing praise in a "whole new way." I think they'd probably join a church and kind of, you know, follow everybody else's lead. It'd be chaos if everyone was doing whatever the heck they wanted during a church service. I've been to a pentecostal church. I've seen it. It was like a circus in there. Some people were running up and down the aisles; others were dancing in front of the altar; the guy next to me was screaming and yelping. Imagine a couple of cartoon characters thrown in doing their own thing. Like, imagine Yogi Bear is next to you shouting "Hey-Boo-Boo-lujah!" To quote Rob Dyrdek, that would be pure ridiculousness.
Secondly, they wouldn't be singing praise in a "whole new way," they'd just be singing praise period. They just got saved, man, I think it's safe to assume they were not singing any sort of praise up to that point. But that's kind of nitpicky, I guess.
Thirdly, Kermit the Frog is not a cartoon. Baby Kermit was, but, c'mon, surely Baby Kermit was in no position to make an informed decision on whether or not he wanted to dedicate his life to the god of the Christian Bible. He was a baby! Babies drool and cry and pee their pants. I know. My daughter is a baby. They don't know what's going on at church. For example, we took Shrimpkin to church on Easter Sunday to see her Pop-Pop in the Easter play and she loved it. She clapped along with the music and shouted excitedly during communion. She didn't know any better. I whispered, "Don't enjoy this too much," to her, but then admitted that the music was pretty good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like a hymn.
Fourthly, everyone knows the Smurfs are Hare Krishnas. Duh!
Fively, why are Beavis and "that other guy" denied salvation? That to me is the most despicable moment in the song. What is Chris Rice saying exactly? That there are limits to Jesus's love? Sorry, Rice, but I believe Beavis and Butthead were the exact types of people Jesus was hanging with when he was doing his Father's work on Earth. I can just see Jesus on that couch between Beavis and Butthead, chomping on nachos and poking fun at Public Image Ltd.
7. The lady friend does not respond positively, so country singer Kip Moore drowns her in the creek.
8. After drinking the rest of the beers, Moore drives his truck home and records the demo that will eventually become "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" in his home studio.
I sort of had to guess at some of the later stuff, but it's sick, right?
29. "Cartoon Song" (Chris Rice)
I'm almost 99-percent sure GEP has shared this song before. How could we not? It is utterly ridiculous.
First of all, if cartoons got saved, why wouldn't they just say hallelujah in the same normal way other saved individuals say it? I'm not sure I agree with Rice's premise that they would start singing praise in a "whole new way." I think they'd probably join a church and kind of, you know, follow everybody else's lead. It'd be chaos if everyone was doing whatever the heck they wanted during a church service. I've been to a pentecostal church. I've seen it. It was like a circus in there. Some people were running up and down the aisles; others were dancing in front of the altar; the guy next to me was screaming and yelping. Imagine a couple of cartoon characters thrown in doing their own thing. Like, imagine Yogi Bear is next to you shouting "Hey-Boo-Boo-lujah!" To quote Rob Dyrdek, that would be pure ridiculousness.
Secondly, they wouldn't be singing praise in a "whole new way," they'd just be singing praise period. They just got saved, man, I think it's safe to assume they were not singing any sort of praise up to that point. But that's kind of nitpicky, I guess.
Thirdly, Kermit the Frog is not a cartoon. Baby Kermit was, but, c'mon, surely Baby Kermit was in no position to make an informed decision on whether or not he wanted to dedicate his life to the god of the Christian Bible. He was a baby! Babies drool and cry and pee their pants. I know. My daughter is a baby. They don't know what's going on at church. For example, we took Shrimpkin to church on Easter Sunday to see her Pop-Pop in the Easter play and she loved it. She clapped along with the music and shouted excitedly during communion. She didn't know any better. I whispered, "Don't enjoy this too much," to her, but then admitted that the music was pretty good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like a hymn.
Fourthly, everyone knows the Smurfs are Hare Krishnas. Duh!
Fively, why are Beavis and "that other guy" denied salvation? That to me is the most despicable moment in the song. What is Chris Rice saying exactly? That there are limits to Jesus's love? Sorry, Rice, but I believe Beavis and Butthead were the exact types of people Jesus was hanging with when he was doing his Father's work on Earth. I can just see Jesus on that couch between Beavis and Butthead, chomping on nachos and poking fun at Public Image Ltd.
Monday, December 19, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: Christmas Carols Edition: 20-26
20. "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (Remix)" (Dr. Elmo & Frank "Killer Bee" Martin)
Know how you make one of the holiday season's most excrementitious songs even worse? Let someone named "Killer Bee" Martin remix it with GarageBand, that's how.
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" was not funny when I was a kid and it's not funny now. And I'm pretty sure Grandpa is behind the whole murder and subsequent cover-up.
Funnier things for Grandma to get run over by: a clown car; the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile; that weird decapitation wall from Caligula; a fat kid in the buffet line at CiCi's Pizza; Billy Joel.
21. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Drum and Bass Remix)"
Speaking of shitty GarageBand remixes...
22. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" (Bing Crosby)
Finally, something classy for the holidays. Oh, did I write "classy?" I meant "creepy." Every square inch of Bing Crosby's take on this holiday standard is just dripping with creep. From his insistence on being the only one wishing anyone a Merry Christmas in the opening stanza to his repeated demands for figgy pudding, Crosby keeps things brief and frightening. I tell you what, this guy saunters up to my front porch and starts crooning this Christmas ditty, I'll give him anything he wants just so he'll go away and never return.
23. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (Gayla Peevey)
Oh my God, shut up!
Things I Want For Christmas: every copy of this record smashed to pieces, melted down, refashioned into records, and smashed again; a time-traveling hippopotamus to maul 10-year-old Gayla Peevey until she promises never to record this song in the first place; the two minutes and thirty-nine seconds it took to listen to this song back.
24. "Oim Gettin' Nooting For Christmas" (Two British kids)
No, no, NO! Dumb American kids are supposed to do this on national TV, not cultured European lads.
Who am I kidding? There are dumb kids all over the globe. And these two are about as cultured as a couple of Cockney chimney sweeps. This song is awful, though I could barely hear it over Gayla Peevey's voice still ringing in my ears. Damn you, Gayla!!!!!
25-26. "Jingle Bells" (Basshunter); "Jingle Bells" (Trey Songs & Flo Rida)
I don't know which of these two versions of "Jingle Bells" I detest more. Probably Basshunter's. It sounds like the kind of song a high school cheerleading squad would dance to at a holiday-themed pep rally. I expected Jersey Shore's Pauly D to burst through the door, fist pumping and dangling a sprig of mistletoe above his crotch at any moment. And Trey Songz and Flo Rida's take on "Jingle Bells" was just cheesy enough to make it essential holiday music hating.
Know how you make one of the holiday season's most excrementitious songs even worse? Let someone named "Killer Bee" Martin remix it with GarageBand, that's how.
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" was not funny when I was a kid and it's not funny now. And I'm pretty sure Grandpa is behind the whole murder and subsequent cover-up.
Funnier things for Grandma to get run over by: a clown car; the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile; that weird decapitation wall from Caligula; a fat kid in the buffet line at CiCi's Pizza; Billy Joel.
21. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Drum and Bass Remix)"
Speaking of shitty GarageBand remixes...
22. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" (Bing Crosby)
Finally, something classy for the holidays. Oh, did I write "classy?" I meant "creepy." Every square inch of Bing Crosby's take on this holiday standard is just dripping with creep. From his insistence on being the only one wishing anyone a Merry Christmas in the opening stanza to his repeated demands for figgy pudding, Crosby keeps things brief and frightening. I tell you what, this guy saunters up to my front porch and starts crooning this Christmas ditty, I'll give him anything he wants just so he'll go away and never return.
23. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (Gayla Peevey)
Oh my God, shut up!
Things I Want For Christmas: every copy of this record smashed to pieces, melted down, refashioned into records, and smashed again; a time-traveling hippopotamus to maul 10-year-old Gayla Peevey until she promises never to record this song in the first place; the two minutes and thirty-nine seconds it took to listen to this song back.
24. "Oim Gettin' Nooting For Christmas" (Two British kids)
No, no, NO! Dumb American kids are supposed to do this on national TV, not cultured European lads.
Who am I kidding? There are dumb kids all over the globe. And these two are about as cultured as a couple of Cockney chimney sweeps. This song is awful, though I could barely hear it over Gayla Peevey's voice still ringing in my ears. Damn you, Gayla!!!!!
25-26. "Jingle Bells" (Basshunter); "Jingle Bells" (Trey Songs & Flo Rida)
I don't know which of these two versions of "Jingle Bells" I detest more. Probably Basshunter's. It sounds like the kind of song a high school cheerleading squad would dance to at a holiday-themed pep rally. I expected Jersey Shore's Pauly D to burst through the door, fist pumping and dangling a sprig of mistletoe above his crotch at any moment. And Trey Songz and Flo Rida's take on "Jingle Bells" was just cheesy enough to make it essential holiday music hating.
Monday, November 28, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 17-19
17. "Boom Boom Pow" (The Black Eyed Peas)
When I started listing one-hundred of the songs I hated, I made a promise to you that The Black Eyed Peas would appear multiple times. Well, it's time to make good on that promise. Ladies and gentleman: "Boom Boom Pow."
I somehow missed this song when it originally dropped out of will.i.am.'s auto-tuned asshole and plopped half-digested on pop radio. No foolin'. I had a vague awareness that there was a song called "Boom Boom Pow"--wasn't it in a trailer for Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Dark of the Moon or something?--but I never had the displeasure of actually hearing it. Until Sunday night. My family and I had just spent a delightful afternoon with some good friends and as a treat for the ride home, we turned on the radio. First we heard the end of the T.I. single "Live Your Life," a song that I like very much. Then, another song played, fading so quickly into the ether that I neither remember, nor care to remember, what it was. And, finally, "Boom Boom Pow." Oh, the humanity!
Not only is "Boom Boom Pow" another one of The Black Eyed Peas infamous "non-songs," but it offers listeners the added bonus of being covered in invisible hooks that sink into your brain, anchoring the song in your brain for hours after it is finished. I've been singing the words "boom," "boom," and "pow" for the last 15 hours and, needless to say, I'm pretty close to the edge, man. Damn you, The Black Eyed Peas, and your catchy, mediocre non-songs! I hate you so much...sob sob sob...
Actual lyrics from the song "Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas:
"I'm so three-thousand-and-eight/you so two-thousand-and-late" (Two-thousand-and-late??? THAT'S NOT A NUMBER!!!)
"I'm on the supersonic boom/Y'all hear the spaceship zoom?" (Do I hear the spaceship zoom? Um, NO!!!)
"Beats so big I'm stepping on leprechauns" (WHAT?!?!?!)
18. "You Can't Hurry Love" (Phil Collins)
The truth is, I love Phil Collins. I will defend this man until the bitter end. You can scoff, but I think Phil Collins has written some of the most memorable tunes of the last however many years I don't feel like researching blah blah blah...
That being said, this cover of a Supremes song is one of the worst pieces of garbage I've ever heard. Ugh. He doesn't even sound like he's interested in singing it, for Pete's sake. It's uninspired, boring, and, well, I hate it. Sorry.
"True Colors," on the other hand, I like.
19. "Fa La La" (Justin Bieber & Boyz II Men)
Hey, it's a Justin Bieber Christmas song.
Eff this song.
When I started listing one-hundred of the songs I hated, I made a promise to you that The Black Eyed Peas would appear multiple times. Well, it's time to make good on that promise. Ladies and gentleman: "Boom Boom Pow."
I somehow missed this song when it originally dropped out of will.i.am.'s auto-tuned asshole and plopped half-digested on pop radio. No foolin'. I had a vague awareness that there was a song called "Boom Boom Pow"--wasn't it in a trailer for Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Dark of the Moon or something?--but I never had the displeasure of actually hearing it. Until Sunday night. My family and I had just spent a delightful afternoon with some good friends and as a treat for the ride home, we turned on the radio. First we heard the end of the T.I. single "Live Your Life," a song that I like very much. Then, another song played, fading so quickly into the ether that I neither remember, nor care to remember, what it was. And, finally, "Boom Boom Pow." Oh, the humanity!
Not only is "Boom Boom Pow" another one of The Black Eyed Peas infamous "non-songs," but it offers listeners the added bonus of being covered in invisible hooks that sink into your brain, anchoring the song in your brain for hours after it is finished. I've been singing the words "boom," "boom," and "pow" for the last 15 hours and, needless to say, I'm pretty close to the edge, man. Damn you, The Black Eyed Peas, and your catchy, mediocre non-songs! I hate you so much...sob sob sob...
Actual lyrics from the song "Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas:
"I'm so three-thousand-and-eight/you so two-thousand-and-late" (Two-thousand-and-late??? THAT'S NOT A NUMBER!!!)
"I'm on the supersonic boom/Y'all hear the spaceship zoom?" (Do I hear the spaceship zoom? Um, NO!!!)
"Beats so big I'm stepping on leprechauns" (WHAT?!?!?!)
18. "You Can't Hurry Love" (Phil Collins)
The truth is, I love Phil Collins. I will defend this man until the bitter end. You can scoff, but I think Phil Collins has written some of the most memorable tunes of the last however many years I don't feel like researching blah blah blah...
That being said, this cover of a Supremes song is one of the worst pieces of garbage I've ever heard. Ugh. He doesn't even sound like he's interested in singing it, for Pete's sake. It's uninspired, boring, and, well, I hate it. Sorry.
"True Colors," on the other hand, I like.
19. "Fa La La" (Justin Bieber & Boyz II Men)
Hey, it's a Justin Bieber Christmas song.
Eff this song.
Friday, November 11, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 14-16
"People Are Crazy" (Billy Currington)
Make no mistake, I hate every song on the 100 Songs I Hate list, but there is a special place in Songs I Hate Hell for ditties like "People Are Crazy." Contemporary country might get crapped on more than it deserves, but for me, there is nothing more loathsome than the "Contempo-Country Story Song." And when it's got a blatantly predictable and predictably stupid twist ending like "People Are Crazy," well sir, I despise it all the more.
For those of you who've skipped over listening to Mr. Currington's 2009 hit and gone straight to my bashing of it, here's a quick re-cap: The song's narrator finds himself in the state of Ohio without any knowledge of how he got there or why. Instead of seeking medical attention for obvious brain damage, he stops in at a local bar, sits down next to an old man, and proceeds to get thoroughly wasted. The singer and old man spend the evening drinking and talking about politics, dames, and God's grace--you know, guy shit. Eventually the old man shares with the singer the culmination of his life experience, the golden nugget of wisdom he's come across in his sixty-plus years on the planet, and it is this: "God is great. Beer is good. And people are crazy." The singer and the elderly gentleman part ways. Some time later, "one sunny day," our narrator sees the old man's picture on the front page of the obituary section of his local paper (Wait, does he live in Ohio? Is that why he was in Ohio? Has he been in Ohio all along?) and learns that the old man was, in fact, a millionaire who left all of his riches to THE SONG'S NARRATOR! In turn, the narrator places a six pack of beer on the old man's grave.
No, really. That's the song. Can you imagine spending an entire evening drinking with some old man and it comes time for him to drop some old manny-type wisdom on your head and he says, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy?" Really, old man? That's the best you've got for me? I've spent the whole evening keeping you company, distracting you from your own mortality and that's the big secret to life, that beer is delicious? And people are crazy? How are people crazy? What percentage of people are crazy? What are they doing that makes them crazy? Getting drunk with strange old millionaires in bars? That's pretty crazy.
Anyway, this song sucks hard.
15. "Grenade" (Bruno Mars)
"Grenade" was a hit song. You've heard it, right? This is apparently the kind of song people in America want to download to their iPod and listen to. Sick.
First of all, if your kid heard this on the radio and asked you to buy them the CD or download the song on iTunes and you did, you are a terrible person. Yep. I just said that. Go back and read it again. I called you a shitty parent. How is any of the lyrical content appropriate for anyone not old enough to know that Burno Mars is completely full of shit? Bruno Mars isn't going to belly-flop on top of an active grenade or happily submit himself to a beheading to, I guess, save the life of his ex-girlfriend. Wait, is that what he's doing? How does having his head chopped off save somebody else's life? We'll get to the inherent problems the song's lyrics raise in a moment. Let's get back to you being a horrible parent. Yeah, so, what, your kid gets into a stupid pre-teen relationship and it ends, as they ALWAYS do, and you find it perfectly acceptable for them to submerge themselves in the dulcet tones of Bruno Mars and his ode to suicide? This is a horrible song with a stupid, immature message, and if you and your dumb kids rock out to it in the car on the way home from soccer practice, screw you.
Now, the adult reaction. If you heard this song on the radio and stopped at Best Buy to purchase the CD or downloaded the song on iTunes, you are an idiot who lives in a magical world where jumping in front of trains and taking bullets to the head constitutes being what is commonly referred to as a "romantic." Is it romantic to be an idiot? Listen to the song, dummy. The girl in this song hates Bruno Mars. It's not bad enough that she keeps her eyes open when they kiss--which is super creepy, you gotta admit--but she also TAMPERS WITH HIS CAR'S BRAKES! This woman is, for lack of a better term, a mega bitch. Even so, Bruno would die for her, and not just die, but be killed in various horrific and gory ways. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm serious now: if you are an adult human with a normal functioning brain who genuinely enjoys "Grenade," tell me why in our comments section. You can be anonymous about it. I won't personally attack you. I just don't understand the appeal. It isn't even a terribly catchy song. But it was a #1 hit, so what the eff do I know. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.
Nah.
16. "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" (Katy Perry)
OK. This song has a few things going for it. 1.) It's catchy. 2.) The appearances of Rebecca Black and some of the Glee gang in the video is cute. 3.) Katy Perry is nice to look at, you know, after the transformation and everything. It's the lyrics I have a problem with and that's only because, believe it or not, America's children are the reason Katy Perry has a career.
I mentioned in a past post that segments of the media seem to view Perry as a children's entertainer of sorts. Sure, "Firework" is a triumphant teenage ode to being yourself, but songs like "Last Friday Night" celebrate debauchery in all of it's splendid forms. And, sure, Perry may mention having a boss in the lyrics, indicating that the listed revelries were experienced by young people of college age at least, but the video is set at the kind of giant high school house party made famous by, I think, every single teenage comedy film from the 80's. Isn't Rebecca Black, like, 14-years old? Who's her boss?
"C'mon, old man," you might be yelling at your computer, "Katy Perry is fun. My kids love the beat. Why don't you get off your high horse and have fun for once." To you I say, you're an adult. Have yourself a Katy Perry-style good time. But do your kids really need this song to dance to? There isn't something equally poppy and/or grating to which to get funky?
Here's a quick, fun list of just some of the shenanigans Perry and her buddies got into last Friday night: anonymous sex; underage drinking; glitter littering; heavy petting; bar fighting; heavier petting; public indecency both in and out of water; contributing to the delinquency of a minor (Get out of the house, Rebecca! Run back to that wholesome party from your video!); heaviest petting; French-style sexual intercourse; property damage; chandelier molestation; murder probably.
Make no mistake, I hate every song on the 100 Songs I Hate list, but there is a special place in Songs I Hate Hell for ditties like "People Are Crazy." Contemporary country might get crapped on more than it deserves, but for me, there is nothing more loathsome than the "Contempo-Country Story Song." And when it's got a blatantly predictable and predictably stupid twist ending like "People Are Crazy," well sir, I despise it all the more.
For those of you who've skipped over listening to Mr. Currington's 2009 hit and gone straight to my bashing of it, here's a quick re-cap: The song's narrator finds himself in the state of Ohio without any knowledge of how he got there or why. Instead of seeking medical attention for obvious brain damage, he stops in at a local bar, sits down next to an old man, and proceeds to get thoroughly wasted. The singer and old man spend the evening drinking and talking about politics, dames, and God's grace--you know, guy shit. Eventually the old man shares with the singer the culmination of his life experience, the golden nugget of wisdom he's come across in his sixty-plus years on the planet, and it is this: "God is great. Beer is good. And people are crazy." The singer and the elderly gentleman part ways. Some time later, "one sunny day," our narrator sees the old man's picture on the front page of the obituary section of his local paper (Wait, does he live in Ohio? Is that why he was in Ohio? Has he been in Ohio all along?) and learns that the old man was, in fact, a millionaire who left all of his riches to THE SONG'S NARRATOR! In turn, the narrator places a six pack of beer on the old man's grave.
No, really. That's the song. Can you imagine spending an entire evening drinking with some old man and it comes time for him to drop some old manny-type wisdom on your head and he says, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy?" Really, old man? That's the best you've got for me? I've spent the whole evening keeping you company, distracting you from your own mortality and that's the big secret to life, that beer is delicious? And people are crazy? How are people crazy? What percentage of people are crazy? What are they doing that makes them crazy? Getting drunk with strange old millionaires in bars? That's pretty crazy.
Anyway, this song sucks hard.
15. "Grenade" (Bruno Mars)
"Grenade" was a hit song. You've heard it, right? This is apparently the kind of song people in America want to download to their iPod and listen to. Sick.
First of all, if your kid heard this on the radio and asked you to buy them the CD or download the song on iTunes and you did, you are a terrible person. Yep. I just said that. Go back and read it again. I called you a shitty parent. How is any of the lyrical content appropriate for anyone not old enough to know that Burno Mars is completely full of shit? Bruno Mars isn't going to belly-flop on top of an active grenade or happily submit himself to a beheading to, I guess, save the life of his ex-girlfriend. Wait, is that what he's doing? How does having his head chopped off save somebody else's life? We'll get to the inherent problems the song's lyrics raise in a moment. Let's get back to you being a horrible parent. Yeah, so, what, your kid gets into a stupid pre-teen relationship and it ends, as they ALWAYS do, and you find it perfectly acceptable for them to submerge themselves in the dulcet tones of Bruno Mars and his ode to suicide? This is a horrible song with a stupid, immature message, and if you and your dumb kids rock out to it in the car on the way home from soccer practice, screw you.
Now, the adult reaction. If you heard this song on the radio and stopped at Best Buy to purchase the CD or downloaded the song on iTunes, you are an idiot who lives in a magical world where jumping in front of trains and taking bullets to the head constitutes being what is commonly referred to as a "romantic." Is it romantic to be an idiot? Listen to the song, dummy. The girl in this song hates Bruno Mars. It's not bad enough that she keeps her eyes open when they kiss--which is super creepy, you gotta admit--but she also TAMPERS WITH HIS CAR'S BRAKES! This woman is, for lack of a better term, a mega bitch. Even so, Bruno would die for her, and not just die, but be killed in various horrific and gory ways. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm serious now: if you are an adult human with a normal functioning brain who genuinely enjoys "Grenade," tell me why in our comments section. You can be anonymous about it. I won't personally attack you. I just don't understand the appeal. It isn't even a terribly catchy song. But it was a #1 hit, so what the eff do I know. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.
Nah.
16. "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" (Katy Perry)
OK. This song has a few things going for it. 1.) It's catchy. 2.) The appearances of Rebecca Black and some of the Glee gang in the video is cute. 3.) Katy Perry is nice to look at, you know, after the transformation and everything. It's the lyrics I have a problem with and that's only because, believe it or not, America's children are the reason Katy Perry has a career.
I mentioned in a past post that segments of the media seem to view Perry as a children's entertainer of sorts. Sure, "Firework" is a triumphant teenage ode to being yourself, but songs like "Last Friday Night" celebrate debauchery in all of it's splendid forms. And, sure, Perry may mention having a boss in the lyrics, indicating that the listed revelries were experienced by young people of college age at least, but the video is set at the kind of giant high school house party made famous by, I think, every single teenage comedy film from the 80's. Isn't Rebecca Black, like, 14-years old? Who's her boss?
"C'mon, old man," you might be yelling at your computer, "Katy Perry is fun. My kids love the beat. Why don't you get off your high horse and have fun for once." To you I say, you're an adult. Have yourself a Katy Perry-style good time. But do your kids really need this song to dance to? There isn't something equally poppy and/or grating to which to get funky?
Here's a quick, fun list of just some of the shenanigans Perry and her buddies got into last Friday night: anonymous sex; underage drinking; glitter littering; heavy petting; bar fighting; heavier petting; public indecency both in and out of water; contributing to the delinquency of a minor (Get out of the house, Rebecca! Run back to that wholesome party from your video!); heaviest petting; French-style sexual intercourse; property damage; chandelier molestation; murder probably.
You're right. That is kid's stuff. Jerk.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 12-13
12. "You Are My Sunshine"
What kind of sicko sings "You Are My Sunshine" to somebody? You've got to be one depraved pervert to think this little ditty is anything but a sick, sad slog through severe manic depression. "You are my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine?" That's a lot to put on somebody. "You are the one thing in all of existence that makes me think that suicide, maybe, isn't the answer," the singer is saying. Who wants to be some depressive freak's "only sunshine?" Not me, sister! And how about this line: "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you." How come he/she is never going to know? Why don't you simply explain it to him/her that he/she is very special to you and you love him/her very much? Is it so hard to open up to an individual you claimed only seconds earlier was the only thing that could possibly "make [you] happy when skies are gray?" And the songs final plea of "please, don't take my sunshine away" is the co-dependent cherry on top of the crazynut sundae. "You Are My Sunshine" is all kinds of sick and twisted, man.
A note on this particular version: Took you long enough to settle on a tune, Miss Shelby. Sheesh! Did you practice at all before turning the camera on? Shoddy work, Miss Shelby. Shoddy work indeed.
On second thought: Listen, this song undeniably sucks, but this kid rocked it pretty hard:
Suck it, Miss Shelby!
13. "Underpuppy" (Eden Wood)
I know, I know, I know. She's a defenseless toddler. What could possibly provoke a 32-year-old man with a daughter of his own to attack poor, widdle Eden Wood?
Listen, jerks, I didn't attack Rebecca Black when "Friday" became inescapable and I have no intention of smearing Eden Wood's good name? I may have said something shitty about Black's parents, so if I may: Eden Wood's mom is gross. All pageant parents are at least 75% gross. It comes with gluing fake lashes to your baby's eyelids and training them like a seal to blow kisses and shake their diaper-clad butts at a panel of mentally-damaged judges. The whole kiddy pageant thing is gross and weird and wrong. So, yes, I don't like Eden Wood's mom.
And why does every reality "star" feel the need to parlay whatever minor amount of notoriety they've accidentally achieved into endorsement deals and badly recorded pop singles? Eden Wood needs a singing career now? Why can't she just run around a playground, eat a plate of tator tots, and zone out in front of Nick Jr. for eight hours like every other 5-year-old kid in America? Is Eden too good for that?
And who is this song for exactly? It's one-minute and twenty-six seconds of Eden Wood calling out her haters. A toddler has haters? There is a shadowy conspiracy trying to keep Eden Wood down? And how exactly is Wood the "underpuppy?" I've seen her multiple times on TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras and she sweeps the competition every time for some reason. She's the last little girl who should ever be considered an underdog.
On second thought: "Underpuppy" is pretty bad, but this live, slowed-down version of Eden's "hit" "song" "Cutie Patootie" is pure comedy gold:
What kind of sicko sings "You Are My Sunshine" to somebody? You've got to be one depraved pervert to think this little ditty is anything but a sick, sad slog through severe manic depression. "You are my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine?" That's a lot to put on somebody. "You are the one thing in all of existence that makes me think that suicide, maybe, isn't the answer," the singer is saying. Who wants to be some depressive freak's "only sunshine?" Not me, sister! And how about this line: "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you." How come he/she is never going to know? Why don't you simply explain it to him/her that he/she is very special to you and you love him/her very much? Is it so hard to open up to an individual you claimed only seconds earlier was the only thing that could possibly "make [you] happy when skies are gray?" And the songs final plea of "please, don't take my sunshine away" is the co-dependent cherry on top of the crazynut sundae. "You Are My Sunshine" is all kinds of sick and twisted, man.
A note on this particular version: Took you long enough to settle on a tune, Miss Shelby. Sheesh! Did you practice at all before turning the camera on? Shoddy work, Miss Shelby. Shoddy work indeed.
On second thought: Listen, this song undeniably sucks, but this kid rocked it pretty hard:
Suck it, Miss Shelby!
13. "Underpuppy" (Eden Wood)
I know, I know, I know. She's a defenseless toddler. What could possibly provoke a 32-year-old man with a daughter of his own to attack poor, widdle Eden Wood?
Listen, jerks, I didn't attack Rebecca Black when "Friday" became inescapable and I have no intention of smearing Eden Wood's good name? I may have said something shitty about Black's parents, so if I may: Eden Wood's mom is gross. All pageant parents are at least 75% gross. It comes with gluing fake lashes to your baby's eyelids and training them like a seal to blow kisses and shake their diaper-clad butts at a panel of mentally-damaged judges. The whole kiddy pageant thing is gross and weird and wrong. So, yes, I don't like Eden Wood's mom.
And why does every reality "star" feel the need to parlay whatever minor amount of notoriety they've accidentally achieved into endorsement deals and badly recorded pop singles? Eden Wood needs a singing career now? Why can't she just run around a playground, eat a plate of tator tots, and zone out in front of Nick Jr. for eight hours like every other 5-year-old kid in America? Is Eden too good for that?
And who is this song for exactly? It's one-minute and twenty-six seconds of Eden Wood calling out her haters. A toddler has haters? There is a shadowy conspiracy trying to keep Eden Wood down? And how exactly is Wood the "underpuppy?" I've seen her multiple times on TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras and she sweeps the competition every time for some reason. She's the last little girl who should ever be considered an underdog.
On second thought: "Underpuppy" is pretty bad, but this live, slowed-down version of Eden's "hit" "song" "Cutie Patootie" is pure comedy gold:
Saturday, August 6, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 9-11
9. "Nothing" (The Script)
Turn on Vh1 in the early morning hours, and your eyes and ears will be assaulted by a program called Jump Start. The show--for better or worse*--is the last bastion for music videos. It is also concrete proof why the recording industry is dying a swift and painful death. These are the bands major record labels are signing. Bands like The Script, an Irish band that has taken everything shitty about American pop rock and copied it verbatim to create a mediocre sound perfect for background noise on TV shows like 90210, Ghost Whisperer, and The Vampire Diaries.
In "Nothing," The Script's whiny lead singer laments over the break up of a relationship, drinks a metric shit-ton of booze, and proceeds to stumble around town shouting his ex-lover's name to the heavens, much to his friends' chagrin. This asshole then proposes that, in this epically inebriated state, he should show up unannounced at said ex-girlfriend's home and explain to her, without vomiting all over himself, why they should give it a second chance. Ugh. C'mon, dude. Just get drunk, dial her number, and hang up when she answers. I don't know how they do it in Ireland, but... Actually, you know what, this is probably exactly how they do it in Ireland. On second thought, go for it, lead singer of The Script.
I think a better name for Vh1's Jump Start is Jump Off A Bridge which is exactly what one feels compelled to do after hearing even a minute of these horrible, horrible songs. (Hey, if you make it far enough into the video for "Nothing"--and it is totes understandable if you don't--you'll see the lead singer take a header off a bridge. Unfortunately, he survives.)
10. "Tonight Tonight" (Hot Chelle Rae)
Here's another crap-coated gem I heard on Jump Off A Bridge and Die this morning. I'm not even sure who this song is for. Seriously. What is this? Why does this exist? Who gets pumped up by this? Who hears this song and goes, "Now the party has officially started?" Children? The mentally disabled? Elderly deaf people? Middle-aged women who like whatever shit sprays out of their radio because it's "kewl?"
My favorite part of the song/video is the Zach Galifinakis reference. Clearly, Hot Chelle Rae were hoping for a cameo from America's foremost bearded comedian. Instead they got Trouty Mouth from Glee. Great get, guys.
11. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" (Justin Moore)
I'm worried about Justin Moore. It's been 25 years since his grandfather passed away and he still can't drive by their old fishing hole without getting suicidally depressed. Working through his feelings in a trite, laughable country song isn't doing it. Justin Moore needs therapy.
Most disturbing moment: After visiting his dead relatives in Heaven, Moore promises his grandfather that he and the kids will be back in A COUPLE OF DAYS! Oh. Sweet. Lord. Is Justin Moore going to kill himself and his family?! Quick, somebody take his children away!
Alternate Title: "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away (And You Didn't Have To Be Dead And A Christian To Get In)"
Turn on Vh1 in the early morning hours, and your eyes and ears will be assaulted by a program called Jump Start. The show--for better or worse*--is the last bastion for music videos. It is also concrete proof why the recording industry is dying a swift and painful death. These are the bands major record labels are signing. Bands like The Script, an Irish band that has taken everything shitty about American pop rock and copied it verbatim to create a mediocre sound perfect for background noise on TV shows like 90210, Ghost Whisperer, and The Vampire Diaries.
In "Nothing," The Script's whiny lead singer laments over the break up of a relationship, drinks a metric shit-ton of booze, and proceeds to stumble around town shouting his ex-lover's name to the heavens, much to his friends' chagrin. This asshole then proposes that, in this epically inebriated state, he should show up unannounced at said ex-girlfriend's home and explain to her, without vomiting all over himself, why they should give it a second chance. Ugh. C'mon, dude. Just get drunk, dial her number, and hang up when she answers. I don't know how they do it in Ireland, but... Actually, you know what, this is probably exactly how they do it in Ireland. On second thought, go for it, lead singer of The Script.
I think a better name for Vh1's Jump Start is Jump Off A Bridge which is exactly what one feels compelled to do after hearing even a minute of these horrible, horrible songs. (Hey, if you make it far enough into the video for "Nothing"--and it is totes understandable if you don't--you'll see the lead singer take a header off a bridge. Unfortunately, he survives.)
10. "Tonight Tonight" (Hot Chelle Rae)
Here's another crap-coated gem I heard on Jump Off A Bridge and Die this morning. I'm not even sure who this song is for. Seriously. What is this? Why does this exist? Who gets pumped up by this? Who hears this song and goes, "Now the party has officially started?" Children? The mentally disabled? Elderly deaf people? Middle-aged women who like whatever shit sprays out of their radio because it's "kewl?"
My favorite part of the song/video is the Zach Galifinakis reference. Clearly, Hot Chelle Rae were hoping for a cameo from America's foremost bearded comedian. Instead they got Trouty Mouth from Glee. Great get, guys.
11. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" (Justin Moore)
I'm worried about Justin Moore. It's been 25 years since his grandfather passed away and he still can't drive by their old fishing hole without getting suicidally depressed. Working through his feelings in a trite, laughable country song isn't doing it. Justin Moore needs therapy.
Most disturbing moment: After visiting his dead relatives in Heaven, Moore promises his grandfather that he and the kids will be back in A COUPLE OF DAYS! Oh. Sweet. Lord. Is Justin Moore going to kill himself and his family?! Quick, somebody take his children away!
Alternate Title: "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away (And You Didn't Have To Be Dead And A Christian To Get In)"
*worse
Saturday, July 30, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 6-8
6. "Another Postcard" (The Barenaked Ladies)
Canada's Barenaked Ladies had at least a plastic Food Lion bag full of decent songs before they broke big time in the US with 98's "One Week," a song that, for better or worse, still endures in the national consciousness, if only because of its enduring stupidity. I had been a fan of the Ladies for awhile before "One Week" barged in and ruined everything. Still, I thought, if "One Week" inspires people to check out Gordon--a solid album to this day, in my opinion--or, to a slightly lesser extent but still an extent, Maybe You Should Drive--I still have soft spots for "Jane" and "Everything Old Is New Again"), then all is not lost. I also wondered what Barenaked Ladies would do next. Perhaps another pop classic in the vein of "Brian Wilson" or the immensely hummable, pleasant enough "If I Had $1000000." That'd be nice. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Canada's Barenaked Ladies had at least a plastic Food Lion bag full of decent songs before they broke big time in the US with 98's "One Week," a song that, for better or worse, still endures in the national consciousness, if only because of its enduring stupidity. I had been a fan of the Ladies for awhile before "One Week" barged in and ruined everything. Still, I thought, if "One Week" inspires people to check out Gordon--a solid album to this day, in my opinion--or, to a slightly lesser extent but still an extent, Maybe You Should Drive--I still have soft spots for "Jane" and "Everything Old Is New Again"), then all is not lost. I also wondered what Barenaked Ladies would do next. Perhaps another pop classic in the vein of "Brian Wilson" or the immensely hummable, pleasant enough "If I Had $1000000." That'd be nice. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I remember the day "Another Postcard" premiered on my local alternative rock station ('member those???). It was the same day I lost all interest in not only the Barenaked Ladies, but in all Canadian music. When I heard Stars for the first time, I decided the Canadian rock community deserved a second chance. I've never turned back.
"Another Postcard" is awful. In its attempt to recapture the quirky magic of "One Week," it fails more miserably than anything has ever failed before or since. It is pure garbage; an assault on the ears and brains of a naive nation that had invited these funny, musically talented Canadian lads into its hearts five years earlier with magical results. "Another Postcard" was the last straw for me and I'd guess many others.
7. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (Tori Amos)
I know a lot of you don't agree with me on this, but hear me out. First, however, a story. My high school girlfriend and I made mountains of mix tapes for each other. I usually stuck to a theme ("The Best of The Smiths & Morrissey"; "They Might Be Giants: My Favorites") while hers were more scattershot. She used to decorate her mix tapes beautifully as well. I think I still have most of them lying around. They really are quite nice and I still enjoy most of the music they contain. Anyway, one of the mix tapes she presented to me included Tori Amos covering Nirvana's biggest hit of all time. My reaction was to laugh, exclaim "what the fuck," and fast forward to the next song, which was the style at the time. When next we were together, she asked me how I'd enjoyed her latest mix. I said I liked it, but asked, probably a little harsher than was necessary--I could be kind of an asshole when I was younger--"What was up with that awful Nirvana cover?" To my surprise, she teared up, saying, "I thought you would like it!" This exchange probably ruined the evening. May have led to one of our hundreds of break-ups. Sigh. Young love.
I know a lot of you don't agree with me on this, but hear me out. First, however, a story. My high school girlfriend and I made mountains of mix tapes for each other. I usually stuck to a theme ("The Best of The Smiths & Morrissey"; "They Might Be Giants: My Favorites") while hers were more scattershot. She used to decorate her mix tapes beautifully as well. I think I still have most of them lying around. They really are quite nice and I still enjoy most of the music they contain. Anyway, one of the mix tapes she presented to me included Tori Amos covering Nirvana's biggest hit of all time. My reaction was to laugh, exclaim "what the fuck," and fast forward to the next song, which was the style at the time. When next we were together, she asked me how I'd enjoyed her latest mix. I said I liked it, but asked, probably a little harsher than was necessary--I could be kind of an asshole when I was younger--"What was up with that awful Nirvana cover?" To my surprise, she teared up, saying, "I thought you would like it!" This exchange probably ruined the evening. May have led to one of our hundreds of break-ups. Sigh. Young love.
But, yeah, I still can't get into this. "But she's slowed it down and turned it into a stirring piano ballad, Matt!" Sure, she slowed it down and enunciated the words, but doesn't that just sorta expose how dumb the lyrics are? I mean, when Kurt Cobain was yelping and growling, it didn't matter what he was saying. The guitars were loud, the drums caved your face in, and he said something about guns or whatever. Awesome! "Smells Like Teen Spirit" isn't a tinkly piano tune whispered by a flame-haired pixie, it's an angry, stompy grunge diatribe grumbled by a heroin addict who used to live like a bridge troll. Trolls are always smashing pixies with their clubs. It's the law of Faerie, and I think that is something Tori Amos could appreciate.
8. "All Star" (Smash Mouth)
In 2000, Smash Mouth's "All Star" was king. You couldn't escape it. Humanity's only comfort came from knowing that some day--some beautiful day--it would dissolve into the ether and become lost forever, unable to taint future generations with its schlocky mediocrity.
In 2000, Smash Mouth's "All Star" was king. You couldn't escape it. Humanity's only comfort came from knowing that some day--some beautiful day--it would dissolve into the ether and become lost forever, unable to taint future generations with its schlocky mediocrity.
But it didn't go away. And it will never go away. It's like Dracula. Or the AIDS virus. It won't die! Turn on your TV for five seconds and there'll be a commercial with its haunting refrain taunting you with its shittiness. Pop in a DVD for your kid and more likely than not one of the characters is going to break into singing it before the closing credits. Could be a sass-talking donkey or a farting ogre, but it's going to happen. In fact, according to the Wikipedia entry dedicated to "All Star," Steven Harwell, Smash Mouth's lead singer, originally considered simply selling the song to advertisers rather than put it on the band's second album, Astro Lounge--available now at flea markets, thrift stores, and bottoms of fetid dumpsters everywhere.
Listen, simply put, if you have ever liked the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth, me and you will probably not get along. Clearly, we will never see eye-to-eye on not only music, but a variety of issues. So, let's just agree to disagree and go our separate ways, all right? Good. Have a nice life, you dummy.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 4-5
4. "So What" (Pink)
Proving that everyone everywhere had either forgotten what rock music was or simply no longer cared, singer-songwriter Alecia Beth Moore, otherwise known as Pink, announced in 2008 via this trifle of a song, that she was, in fact, a "star" of the "rock" variety and nobody called her out on it. Is she a star? I would argue that she is, though I think it would be the shortest argument on record as I don't believe anyone would refute me. Pink's output is a Top 40 mainstay, regardless of the fact that her music gets less and less essential as time marches ever onward. Really. Has she had a legitimately enjoyable song since 2001's "Get the Party Started?" I submit that she has not. None of that really matters right now however, as we are here to discuss "So What" and how much I loathe it. And I loathe it so.
First, Pink does not perform "rock music" so therefore she cannot be the "rock star" she claims to be repeatedly in "So What." Secondly, "So What" falls squarely into a category of pop song that I hate above all others: the "I'm-rich-and-famous-but-woe-is-me" song. Granted, "So What" isn't as bad as say "Lucky," Britney Spear's ode to celebrity loneliness, but that's only because it's got one of them infernal toe-tapping beats. Confound it! The song is still all about how her marriage didn't work out and how Carey Hart is a dick or something. Ugh. Scream-sing that broken-home, my-love-life-didn't-work-out-because-I'm-a-rebel-who-can't-be-domesticated horseshit to someone who gives a rip. And thirdly, "So What" proves once again how funny Pink isn't. The jabs at Jessica Simpson and Hart--she is especially brutal to him in this song, indicating in the song's opening lines that he can't even afford to pay his rent without Pink in his life--fall flat and the video--oh boy, this video--is just one unfunny set-piece after another. But maybe it's unfair to use a music video against somebody. That's fine. This song sucks, with or without it's video. How's that?
Pink's "rock moves": driving a riding lawnmower down a busy city street; beating up a nerd at Guitar Center; performing her own tree removal; assaulting newlyweds with a eggs and beer cans.
5. "Coming Out of the Dark" (Gloria Estefan)
Yes, I am aware that this was the first single Estefan released after she was almost killed in a horrendous tour bus accident and was therefore, in a way, a miraculous return to form for the internationally beloved singer. But I remember the day it premiered on my local radio station--it was January 1991, 18 days before my 13th birthday--and I couldn't have hated what I was hearing more. My musical tastes were changing. I used to accept whatever Detroit's radio DJs thought appropriate for my young earholes, but in early '91, I wasn't so sure anymore. Eight months later, my rejection of Top 40 radio would be complete with the additions of Nirvana, REM, Primus, and They Might be Giants to my life. "Coming Out of the Dark" was the spark that lit the fuse, so to speak. In a way, it signaled my "coming out" of uninspired pop music's darkness. On that level, I should thank Ms. Estefan.
But, yeah, I'm kind of a dick for hating this song as much as I do. Oh, well. Such is life.
Proving that everyone everywhere had either forgotten what rock music was or simply no longer cared, singer-songwriter Alecia Beth Moore, otherwise known as Pink, announced in 2008 via this trifle of a song, that she was, in fact, a "star" of the "rock" variety and nobody called her out on it. Is she a star? I would argue that she is, though I think it would be the shortest argument on record as I don't believe anyone would refute me. Pink's output is a Top 40 mainstay, regardless of the fact that her music gets less and less essential as time marches ever onward. Really. Has she had a legitimately enjoyable song since 2001's "Get the Party Started?" I submit that she has not. None of that really matters right now however, as we are here to discuss "So What" and how much I loathe it. And I loathe it so.
First, Pink does not perform "rock music" so therefore she cannot be the "rock star" she claims to be repeatedly in "So What." Secondly, "So What" falls squarely into a category of pop song that I hate above all others: the "I'm-rich-and-famous-but-woe-is-me" song. Granted, "So What" isn't as bad as say "Lucky," Britney Spear's ode to celebrity loneliness, but that's only because it's got one of them infernal toe-tapping beats. Confound it! The song is still all about how her marriage didn't work out and how Carey Hart is a dick or something. Ugh. Scream-sing that broken-home, my-love-life-didn't-work-out-because-I'm-a-rebel-who-can't-be-domesticated horseshit to someone who gives a rip. And thirdly, "So What" proves once again how funny Pink isn't. The jabs at Jessica Simpson and Hart--she is especially brutal to him in this song, indicating in the song's opening lines that he can't even afford to pay his rent without Pink in his life--fall flat and the video--oh boy, this video--is just one unfunny set-piece after another. But maybe it's unfair to use a music video against somebody. That's fine. This song sucks, with or without it's video. How's that?
Pink's "rock moves": driving a riding lawnmower down a busy city street; beating up a nerd at Guitar Center; performing her own tree removal; assaulting newlyweds with a eggs and beer cans.
5. "Coming Out of the Dark" (Gloria Estefan)
Yes, I am aware that this was the first single Estefan released after she was almost killed in a horrendous tour bus accident and was therefore, in a way, a miraculous return to form for the internationally beloved singer. But I remember the day it premiered on my local radio station--it was January 1991, 18 days before my 13th birthday--and I couldn't have hated what I was hearing more. My musical tastes were changing. I used to accept whatever Detroit's radio DJs thought appropriate for my young earholes, but in early '91, I wasn't so sure anymore. Eight months later, my rejection of Top 40 radio would be complete with the additions of Nirvana, REM, Primus, and They Might be Giants to my life. "Coming Out of the Dark" was the spark that lit the fuse, so to speak. In a way, it signaled my "coming out" of uninspired pop music's darkness. On that level, I should thank Ms. Estefan.
But, yeah, I'm kind of a dick for hating this song as much as I do. Oh, well. Such is life.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
100 Songs I Hate: 1-3
Happy Mothers Day, moms! I hope your good-for-nothing kids and your thoughtless husbands/life partners did something nice for you this morning, like breakfast in bed or an epic all-family foot rub.
Remember the pop single? That endlessly catchy nugget of pop music gold an artist would release into this bleak, sad world that would brighten our collective existence for a summer? The Black Eyed Peas don't. What makes me say that? This song. How do the Peas keep getting away with this, man? Absolutely none of their more recent releases have any business being on the radio. This is the group that in 2003 released "Where Is the Love?", a pop gem that wormed its way into my head against my better judgement and forced me to love it. I didn't know what the Black Eyed Peas would become back in the summer of '03. None of us did. It was because of our complacency that the Peas have been able to become the unstoppable powerhouse of shit they are today.
Novelty songs: they're hardly ever funny. And "The Curly Shuffle" is perhaps the most unfunny novelty song of all time, which is fitting, as it is a song devoted to perhaps the most unfunny "comedy" act of all time.
I took my wife--who is a mother-to-be--out for a classy breakfast at a local eating establishment. The food was delicious, the conversation was stimulating, and then it happened: Train's "Hey, Soul Sister" started to play, single-handedly ruining ever amazingly beautiful memory we had created up to that point. Now I won't be able to think about my first Mothers Day breakfast with my wife without picturing sea creatures pouring out of an HD TV. Thanks a lot, Train!
So, because Train cast a sour pall upon our Mothers Day, I've deemed them worthy to take the top spot in our latest feature, 100 Songs I Hate.
1. "Hey, Soul Sister" (Train)
"Hey, Soul Sister" is without a doubt one of the worst songs ever written. The only reason I can't site it as the Worst Song Ever is because the Black Eyed Peas exist.
Its phony feel-good jauntiness and parasitic chorus, with it's melodic "heys" and such, spawn so many negative physical reactions in me, I don't know where to start. The ukulele kicks in and I start to feel, like, this angry nausea in my guts that climbs up through my esophagus and stops in my brain, giving me a full body ache that threatens to tear not only ever organ in my body, but my very soul, to shreds. When the "heys" start up, my brain cells start vomiting all over the place and the next thing I know I'm lashing out violently at loved ones and strangers alike. When I think about it, "Hey, Soul Sister" might be the most dangerous song ever written too.
Lyrical stupidity: Seriously, what does this even mean: Your lipstick stains/on the front lobe of my/left side brains. Oh, wait, I didn't listen far enough: I knew I wouldn't forget you/and so I went and let you/blow my mind. There's lipstick on his brain matter because he let the soul sister "blow his mind." HA HA HA HA HA HA--YOU'RE SO CLEVER, PATRICK MONAHAN!
Ugh.
2. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" (Black Eyed Peas)
Remember the pop single? That endlessly catchy nugget of pop music gold an artist would release into this bleak, sad world that would brighten our collective existence for a summer? The Black Eyed Peas don't. What makes me say that? This song. How do the Peas keep getting away with this, man? Absolutely none of their more recent releases have any business being on the radio. This is the group that in 2003 released "Where Is the Love?", a pop gem that wormed its way into my head against my better judgement and forced me to love it. I didn't know what the Black Eyed Peas would become back in the summer of '03. None of us did. It was because of our complacency that the Peas have been able to become the unstoppable powerhouse of shit they are today.
How does "The Time (Dirty Bit)" even qualify as a song? Who wants to listen to this outside of a sweaty, gross dance club? Do people drive around town pumping the "dirty bit song" while they run their errands? There's nothing here, people! Nothing! This song is a phantom. You only think it's a song because your local DJ said, "And here's the latest song from the Black Eyed Peas." Fergie, will.i.am, Taboo, and apl.de.ap should be ashamed of themselves. And not just because of their ridiculous nicknames.
Fun Fact: The Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl Half-Time Crapstravaganza has been officially deemed the Worst Super Bow Half-Time Show in Recorded History by a panel of experts (ie, me).
Fun Fact: This will not be the Peas only appearance on our list. I guarantee it.
3. "The Curly Shuffle" (Jump 'N the Saddle Band)
Novelty songs: they're hardly ever funny. And "The Curly Shuffle" is perhaps the most unfunny novelty song of all time, which is fitting, as it is a song devoted to perhaps the most unfunny "comedy" act of all time.
This might be "fun": Next time you're at some gross club and "The Time (Dirty Bit)" comes on, why not do the Curly Shuffle to it. I wonder if that can even be done. You should try it. Weirdo.
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