Make no mistake, I hate every song on the 100 Songs I Hate list, but there is a special place in Songs I Hate Hell for ditties like "People Are Crazy." Contemporary country might get crapped on more than it deserves, but for me, there is nothing more loathsome than the "Contempo-Country Story Song." And when it's got a blatantly predictable and predictably stupid twist ending like "People Are Crazy," well sir, I despise it all the more.
For those of you who've skipped over listening to Mr. Currington's 2009 hit and gone straight to my bashing of it, here's a quick re-cap: The song's narrator finds himself in the state of Ohio without any knowledge of how he got there or why. Instead of seeking medical attention for obvious brain damage, he stops in at a local bar, sits down next to an old man, and proceeds to get thoroughly wasted. The singer and old man spend the evening drinking and talking about politics, dames, and God's grace--you know, guy shit. Eventually the old man shares with the singer the culmination of his life experience, the golden nugget of wisdom he's come across in his sixty-plus years on the planet, and it is this: "God is great. Beer is good. And people are crazy." The singer and the elderly gentleman part ways. Some time later, "one sunny day," our narrator sees the old man's picture on the front page of the obituary section of his local paper (Wait, does he live in Ohio? Is that why he was in Ohio? Has he been in Ohio all along?) and learns that the old man was, in fact, a millionaire who left all of his riches to THE SONG'S NARRATOR! In turn, the narrator places a six pack of beer on the old man's grave.
No, really. That's the song. Can you imagine spending an entire evening drinking with some old man and it comes time for him to drop some old manny-type wisdom on your head and he says, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy?" Really, old man? That's the best you've got for me? I've spent the whole evening keeping you company, distracting you from your own mortality and that's the big secret to life, that beer is delicious? And people are crazy? How are people crazy? What percentage of people are crazy? What are they doing that makes them crazy? Getting drunk with strange old millionaires in bars? That's pretty crazy.
Anyway, this song sucks hard.
15. "Grenade" (Bruno Mars)
"Grenade" was a hit song. You've heard it, right? This is apparently the kind of song people in America want to download to their iPod and listen to. Sick.
First of all, if your kid heard this on the radio and asked you to buy them the CD or download the song on iTunes and you did, you are a terrible person. Yep. I just said that. Go back and read it again. I called you a shitty parent. How is any of the lyrical content appropriate for anyone not old enough to know that Burno Mars is completely full of shit? Bruno Mars isn't going to belly-flop on top of an active grenade or happily submit himself to a beheading to, I guess, save the life of his ex-girlfriend. Wait, is that what he's doing? How does having his head chopped off save somebody else's life? We'll get to the inherent problems the song's lyrics raise in a moment. Let's get back to you being a horrible parent. Yeah, so, what, your kid gets into a stupid pre-teen relationship and it ends, as they ALWAYS do, and you find it perfectly acceptable for them to submerge themselves in the dulcet tones of Bruno Mars and his ode to suicide? This is a horrible song with a stupid, immature message, and if you and your dumb kids rock out to it in the car on the way home from soccer practice, screw you.
Now, the adult reaction. If you heard this song on the radio and stopped at Best Buy to purchase the CD or downloaded the song on iTunes, you are an idiot who lives in a magical world where jumping in front of trains and taking bullets to the head constitutes being what is commonly referred to as a "romantic." Is it romantic to be an idiot? Listen to the song, dummy. The girl in this song hates Bruno Mars. It's not bad enough that she keeps her eyes open when they kiss--which is super creepy, you gotta admit--but she also TAMPERS WITH HIS CAR'S BRAKES! This woman is, for lack of a better term, a mega bitch. Even so, Bruno would die for her, and not just die, but be killed in various horrific and gory ways. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm serious now: if you are an adult human with a normal functioning brain who genuinely enjoys "Grenade," tell me why in our comments section. You can be anonymous about it. I won't personally attack you. I just don't understand the appeal. It isn't even a terribly catchy song. But it was a #1 hit, so what the eff do I know. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.
Nah.
16. "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" (Katy Perry)
OK. This song has a few things going for it. 1.) It's catchy. 2.) The appearances of Rebecca Black and some of the Glee gang in the video is cute. 3.) Katy Perry is nice to look at, you know, after the transformation and everything. It's the lyrics I have a problem with and that's only because, believe it or not, America's children are the reason Katy Perry has a career.
I mentioned in a past post that segments of the media seem to view Perry as a children's entertainer of sorts. Sure, "Firework" is a triumphant teenage ode to being yourself, but songs like "Last Friday Night" celebrate debauchery in all of it's splendid forms. And, sure, Perry may mention having a boss in the lyrics, indicating that the listed revelries were experienced by young people of college age at least, but the video is set at the kind of giant high school house party made famous by, I think, every single teenage comedy film from the 80's. Isn't Rebecca Black, like, 14-years old? Who's her boss?
"C'mon, old man," you might be yelling at your computer, "Katy Perry is fun. My kids love the beat. Why don't you get off your high horse and have fun for once." To you I say, you're an adult. Have yourself a Katy Perry-style good time. But do your kids really need this song to dance to? There isn't something equally poppy and/or grating to which to get funky?
Here's a quick, fun list of just some of the shenanigans Perry and her buddies got into last Friday night: anonymous sex; underage drinking; glitter littering; heavy petting; bar fighting; heavier petting; public indecency both in and out of water; contributing to the delinquency of a minor (Get out of the house, Rebecca! Run back to that wholesome party from your video!); heaviest petting; French-style sexual intercourse; property damage; chandelier molestation; murder probably.
You're right. That is kid's stuff. Jerk.
