Turn on Vh1 in the early morning hours, and your eyes and ears will be assaulted by a program called Jump Start. The show--for better or worse*--is the last bastion for music videos. It is also concrete proof why the recording industry is dying a swift and painful death. These are the bands major record labels are signing. Bands like The Script, an Irish band that has taken everything shitty about American pop rock and copied it verbatim to create a mediocre sound perfect for background noise on TV shows like 90210, Ghost Whisperer, and The Vampire Diaries.
In "Nothing," The Script's whiny lead singer laments over the break up of a relationship, drinks a metric shit-ton of booze, and proceeds to stumble around town shouting his ex-lover's name to the heavens, much to his friends' chagrin. This asshole then proposes that, in this epically inebriated state, he should show up unannounced at said ex-girlfriend's home and explain to her, without vomiting all over himself, why they should give it a second chance. Ugh. C'mon, dude. Just get drunk, dial her number, and hang up when she answers. I don't know how they do it in Ireland, but... Actually, you know what, this is probably exactly how they do it in Ireland. On second thought, go for it, lead singer of The Script.
I think a better name for Vh1's Jump Start is Jump Off A Bridge which is exactly what one feels compelled to do after hearing even a minute of these horrible, horrible songs. (Hey, if you make it far enough into the video for "Nothing"--and it is totes understandable if you don't--you'll see the lead singer take a header off a bridge. Unfortunately, he survives.)
10. "Tonight Tonight" (Hot Chelle Rae)
Here's another crap-coated gem I heard on Jump Off A Bridge and Die this morning. I'm not even sure who this song is for. Seriously. What is this? Why does this exist? Who gets pumped up by this? Who hears this song and goes, "Now the party has officially started?" Children? The mentally disabled? Elderly deaf people? Middle-aged women who like whatever shit sprays out of their radio because it's "kewl?"
My favorite part of the song/video is the Zach Galifinakis reference. Clearly, Hot Chelle Rae were hoping for a cameo from America's foremost bearded comedian. Instead they got Trouty Mouth from Glee. Great get, guys.
11. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" (Justin Moore)
I'm worried about Justin Moore. It's been 25 years since his grandfather passed away and he still can't drive by their old fishing hole without getting suicidally depressed. Working through his feelings in a trite, laughable country song isn't doing it. Justin Moore needs therapy.
Most disturbing moment: After visiting his dead relatives in Heaven, Moore promises his grandfather that he and the kids will be back in A COUPLE OF DAYS! Oh. Sweet. Lord. Is Justin Moore going to kill himself and his family?! Quick, somebody take his children away!
Alternate Title: "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away (And You Didn't Have To Be Dead And A Christian To Get In)"
*worse
