What kind of sicko sings "You Are My Sunshine" to somebody? You've got to be one depraved pervert to think this little ditty is anything but a sick, sad slog through severe manic depression. "You are my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine?" That's a lot to put on somebody. "You are the one thing in all of existence that makes me think that suicide, maybe, isn't the answer," the singer is saying. Who wants to be some depressive freak's "only sunshine?" Not me, sister! And how about this line: "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you." How come he/she is never going to know? Why don't you simply explain it to him/her that he/she is very special to you and you love him/her very much? Is it so hard to open up to an individual you claimed only seconds earlier was the only thing that could possibly "make [you] happy when skies are gray?" And the songs final plea of "please, don't take my sunshine away" is the co-dependent cherry on top of the crazynut sundae. "You Are My Sunshine" is all kinds of sick and twisted, man.
A note on this particular version: Took you long enough to settle on a tune, Miss Shelby. Sheesh! Did you practice at all before turning the camera on? Shoddy work, Miss Shelby. Shoddy work indeed.
On second thought: Listen, this song undeniably sucks, but this kid rocked it pretty hard:
Suck it, Miss Shelby!
13. "Underpuppy" (Eden Wood)
I know, I know, I know. She's a defenseless toddler. What could possibly provoke a 32-year-old man with a daughter of his own to attack poor, widdle Eden Wood?
Listen, jerks, I didn't attack Rebecca Black when "Friday" became inescapable and I have no intention of smearing Eden Wood's good name? I may have said something shitty about Black's parents, so if I may: Eden Wood's mom is gross. All pageant parents are at least 75% gross. It comes with gluing fake lashes to your baby's eyelids and training them like a seal to blow kisses and shake their diaper-clad butts at a panel of mentally-damaged judges. The whole kiddy pageant thing is gross and weird and wrong. So, yes, I don't like Eden Wood's mom.
And why does every reality "star" feel the need to parlay whatever minor amount of notoriety they've accidentally achieved into endorsement deals and badly recorded pop singles? Eden Wood needs a singing career now? Why can't she just run around a playground, eat a plate of tator tots, and zone out in front of Nick Jr. for eight hours like every other 5-year-old kid in America? Is Eden too good for that?
And who is this song for exactly? It's one-minute and twenty-six seconds of Eden Wood calling out her haters. A toddler has haters? There is a shadowy conspiracy trying to keep Eden Wood down? And how exactly is Wood the "underpuppy?" I've seen her multiple times on TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras and she sweeps the competition every time for some reason. She's the last little girl who should ever be considered an underdog.
On second thought: "Underpuppy" is pretty bad, but this live, slowed-down version of Eden's "hit" "song" "Cutie Patootie" is pure comedy gold:
