I took my wife--who is a mother-to-be--out for a classy breakfast at a local eating establishment. The food was delicious, the conversation was stimulating, and then it happened: Train's "Hey, Soul Sister" started to play, single-handedly ruining ever amazingly beautiful memory we had created up to that point. Now I won't be able to think about my first Mothers Day breakfast with my wife without picturing sea creatures pouring out of an HD TV. Thanks a lot, Train!
So, because Train cast a sour pall upon our Mothers Day, I've deemed them worthy to take the top spot in our latest feature, 100 Songs I Hate.
1. "Hey, Soul Sister" (Train)
"Hey, Soul Sister" is without a doubt one of the worst songs ever written. The only reason I can't site it as the Worst Song Ever is because the Black Eyed Peas exist.
Its phony feel-good jauntiness and parasitic chorus, with it's melodic "heys" and such, spawn so many negative physical reactions in me, I don't know where to start. The ukulele kicks in and I start to feel, like, this angry nausea in my guts that climbs up through my esophagus and stops in my brain, giving me a full body ache that threatens to tear not only ever organ in my body, but my very soul, to shreds. When the "heys" start up, my brain cells start vomiting all over the place and the next thing I know I'm lashing out violently at loved ones and strangers alike. When I think about it, "Hey, Soul Sister" might be the most dangerous song ever written too.
Lyrical stupidity: Seriously, what does this even mean: Your lipstick stains/on the front lobe of my/left side brains. Oh, wait, I didn't listen far enough: I knew I wouldn't forget you/and so I went and let you/blow my mind. There's lipstick on his brain matter because he let the soul sister "blow his mind." HA HA HA HA HA HA--YOU'RE SO CLEVER, PATRICK MONAHAN!
Ugh.
2. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" (Black Eyed Peas)
Remember the pop single? That endlessly catchy nugget of pop music gold an artist would release into this bleak, sad world that would brighten our collective existence for a summer? The Black Eyed Peas don't. What makes me say that? This song. How do the Peas keep getting away with this, man? Absolutely none of their more recent releases have any business being on the radio. This is the group that in 2003 released "Where Is the Love?", a pop gem that wormed its way into my head against my better judgement and forced me to love it. I didn't know what the Black Eyed Peas would become back in the summer of '03. None of us did. It was because of our complacency that the Peas have been able to become the unstoppable powerhouse of shit they are today.
How does "The Time (Dirty Bit)" even qualify as a song? Who wants to listen to this outside of a sweaty, gross dance club? Do people drive around town pumping the "dirty bit song" while they run their errands? There's nothing here, people! Nothing! This song is a phantom. You only think it's a song because your local DJ said, "And here's the latest song from the Black Eyed Peas." Fergie, will.i.am, Taboo, and apl.de.ap should be ashamed of themselves. And not just because of their ridiculous nicknames.
Fun Fact: The Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl Half-Time Crapstravaganza has been officially deemed the Worst Super Bow Half-Time Show in Recorded History by a panel of experts (ie, me).
Fun Fact: This will not be the Peas only appearance on our list. I guarantee it.
3. "The Curly Shuffle" (Jump 'N the Saddle Band)
Novelty songs: they're hardly ever funny. And "The Curly Shuffle" is perhaps the most unfunny novelty song of all time, which is fitting, as it is a song devoted to perhaps the most unfunny "comedy" act of all time.
This might be "fun": Next time you're at some gross club and "The Time (Dirty Bit)" comes on, why not do the Curly Shuffle to it. I wonder if that can even be done. You should try it. Weirdo.
