Movie Penguin Monday: #4. Nightbeast (1982)

[Another classic from the Movie Penguin vault. Cough! It's dusty in there]
I've finally found it: the most awkward sex scene in cinema history! To be fair, I wasn't really looking for it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't supremely pleased when I stumbled across it. At about the halfway point in schlock-master Don Dohler's 1982 largely useless alien invader flick Nightbeast, Bob Ross-haired, porn-stache sporting Sheriff Cinder makes awkward, poorly-lit love to sexy Deputy Lisa Kent and film history is officially made. Lisa removes Cinder's pants to bandage a leg wound, takes a long, sensual shower, and returns, wearing only a towel, to the bedroom where Cinder seals the deal:

Cinder: You're very attractive. I guess I never noticed before. Can I take this shirt off?
Lisa: Only if I can take this towel off.

Oh, baby! That is HOT! OK, first of all, why would Karin Kardian (the actress who plays Deputy Kent) agree to strip down and roll around on a bed with Tom Griffith (who played the role of Sheriff Cinder in not one, but two, Don Dohler alien invasion pictures!)? Why, Karin? This is the only movie role you've ever had, for God's sake. And look at the movie? It's Nightbeast, an astonishingly cheap looking, low budget B-movie populated by Baltimore-area "actors" with annoying accents and showcasing some of the most insulting special effects I've ever seen. Did you think this bold choice your first time out would lead to bigger roles in classier films? Oh, Karin. I weep for you. Also, nice butt.

Secondly, is this sex scene even necessary? I know, Middle School Matt, sometimes 80's horror movies are the only place a young boy can go when he's got a hankering for boobies, but when you get older you'll realize that a film that relies on a meaningful story and a logical plotline rather than senseless titillation is more satisfying to watch. You'll also lose your hair, but you'll have a pretty sweet DVD collection. And two whole women will have sex with you! As you can see, Middle School Matt, your future will be totally awesome!

Nightbeast concerns a blood-thirsty alien's attack on the charming city of Perry Hall, Maryland. As the film opens, an extraterrestrial spacecraft is struck by a meteor and sent hurtling to Earth. A rubber-faced beastie with tragic orthodontal issues evacuates the small craft just before it explodes...hundreds of times! OK, maybe not hundreds, but a ridiculous amount of times. Some yokels who happen to be camping nearby check out the wreckage and are killed by the creature's laser blaster. Let's talk about this laser gun for a moment. When you are shot with this weapon from outer space, you turn all disco (see above) then disappear. Some people leave behind a pile of person-shaped ashes. Others turn into a slow-burning brush fire. The same happens when a car is struck by the laser beam. The car gets all sparkly and disappears. While cars and human flesh are easily disintegrated by the alien's laser beam, stone walls and rotted logs are not, so when engaging in a fire fight with the alien, our heroes often take refuge behind these aforementioned un-laser-blastable objects thus shielding themselves from death.

Perry Hall is populated by all kinds of loveable oddballs, like Mayor Bert Wicker and his teenage lover/secretary, Mary Jane. He's an ass-kissing sycophant and she's a slutty teenage drunk. They make quite a quirky pair until they are disembowled by the titular night beast. Another local favorite is middle-aged greaser Drago, seen here on his kick-ass motorcyle:
Drago taunts local law enforcement with his devil-may-care attitude, his slicked-back hair, and his jaunty mustache. When he's not riding his hog around town he's strangling his ex-girlfriend or awkwardly attempting to rape Deputy Lisa or getting into a slow-motion fist fight with Jamie, a local boy who occasionally assists the sheriff's department. Drago's story arc (which never once intersects with the night beast's) is silly and pointless, but Drago emerges as the only memorable character in a film full of area weirdos looking for their big break. Drago may beat and rape women, threaten law enforcement officers with their own weapons, and act like a 45 year old James Dean, but...oh, you know what? Nevermind. Drago is totes lame!

But that's okay because Nightbeast is pretty lame. Nightbeast reminds me of a fan-made Halloween movie I watched on YouTube once. The internet film was nothing more than a series of increasingly over-the-top murder scenes and while some of them were quite affective and moderately scary, the scenes never added up to much more than a plotless snuff film. Oh, Michael Myers totally killed a guy with a machete...and a hammer...and a bar of decorative soap...and...and...get it? There wasn't much else going on. We can forgive this YouTube exclusive, however, because it is fan-made. Some dude took the time to rent equipment, get his friends together, and put on a creep show. Then he edited the thing, added some music, and had himself a little horror movie to share with the world. To be honest, it looked pretty good, it just wasn't very satisfying.

I'm pretty certain Don Dohler wasn't setting out to change the face of science fiction (even though that's what the original film trailer promises), Nightbeast wasn't his answer to Star Wars. It's a B-film, a gore flick made on the cheap, a piffle. It's not very entertaining, the acting is abysmal, but it features some classic unintentional hilarity and a legendary scene of awkward lovemaking. Nightbeast is a waste of time, but I'm pretty sure it's the first invasion film in which the alien wears a dress shirt.