Hero of the Week: Yong Hyun Kim

There are two kinds of people in this world: regular folk (policemen, firefighters, organ donors, etc) and true, red-blooded heroes; men and women who selflessly rise up against the tyrannies of modern existence and do something great.  Men like Yong Hyun Kim of Kent, Washington, who came face-to-face with inarguably the most wretched example of human filth on the planet, the movie disrupter, and took a stand.  A heroic stand.  Yes, Yong Hyun Kim punched a 10-year-old boy in the face.  I'm swooning.  Is anybody else swooning.

Here's how it went down: 

A Washington state man fed up with a group of noisy moviegoers behind him, stepped over the seat and punched a 10-year-old boy in the face. 

The man was watching "Titanic" in 3-D with his girlfriend and had asked the people sitting behind to quiet down and stop throwing popcorn, but they laughed at him, he said. 

"I got so mad that it just happened," Yong Hyun Kim, 31, told police who arrested him the night of April 11 at the AMC Kent Station 14, in Kent, a south Seattle suburb. 

The 10-year-old lost a tooth and had a bloody nose in the confrontation.

He knocked the kid's tooth out, man!  Yong Hyun Kim is serious about Titanic, yo!

Honestly though, we've all shared a movie theater with a bunch of unsupervised, pre-pubescent assholes, right?  It's like a busload of sugared-up orphans was dropped outside of the theater and told to fend for themselves for two hours.  They run in and out of the theater, text with reckless abandon, throw popcorn all over the place, all while staying frustratingly out of punching distance.  Hell, sometimes it's not orphans at all.  

When I saw the first Transformers movie by myself whatever summer that thing happened, there was this five or six-year-old kid running up and down the stairs the whole time singing and dancing and clapping his stupid hands.  Where were the parents?  Oh, they were seated in the back of the theater, watching the movie comfortably.  So, this kid is stomping up and down the steps and he finally decides to sit on the stairs right next to me and launch into a seventeenth verse of whatever nonsense song he's screaming.  And what did I do?  Punch him square in the nose like a man?  Pick him up by his belt loops and toss him like a singing pile of laundry into the screen?  Nope.  I simply turned to him and hissed, "Shut up!"  Did it work?  Absolutely not.  Was the movie ruined?  Yes, but that ultimately wasn't his fault.  Transformers is just a bad movie.

Anyway, Giant Electric Penguin would like to take this moment to salute Mr. Yong Hyun Kim and his fists of fury.  Stupid, bratty kids shouldn't be allowed to ruin anybody's moviegoing experience, even if said movie is Titanic 3-D.  Sure, Kim probably saw Titanic during its original run, but he'd never seen it all up in his grill before.  Plus, don't 3-D tickets cost a lot more than regular tickets?  I understand your anger, Mr. Kim, and I approve of your wrathful response.  That kid was, is and always will be an asshole and I hope he remembers that each time he sees that gap-toothed grin of his in the mirror.

5 Summer Movies I Will Not Be Seeing

The summer movie season is upon us and that means blockbusters. And popcorn. And butter pumps. Mmmmm, butter pumps. 


We'll get back to the butter pump in a minute, right now, I want to focus on the upcoming summer movies that I have absolutely no intention of seeing. You see, for every Marvel's The Avengers, there are two movies I wouldn't be caught dead risking my life at the ol' butter pump for. You think I'm going to subject my arteries to processed "butter" substitute for The Dictator? Not bloody likely. So, here they are, five summertime duds I won't be seeing this summer or, if I can help it, ever. 


(Note: You'll notice that Battleship does not appear on this list. This is because, well, obviously.)

1. Dark Shadows

   

Look, I'm not familiar with the source material, so I'm probably not the audience for Tim Burton's latest. However, I don't know anybody--except my wife, who heard a story on NPR last week about the old Dark Shadows soap opera--who is familiar with it. Now just because my generation and the generations that have come after us don't know anything about an old TV show full of ghosts and vampires from the 1970s doesn't mean a movie adaptation shouldn't be made (it doesn't?), it just means you're gonna have to sell it to us a little harder. The trailer, which I've seen way too many times in the past couple of months, fails at this miserably. There isn't one laugh in this thing. I've rolled my eyes several times ("We don't have horses. We have a Chevy;" Barnabas doesn't understand how TV works; etc), but never once smiled. Look, I'm not an under-sexed housewife, so just sticking Johnny Depp in your movie doesn't do it for me. 

Sorry, Tim Burton. Maybe next time, unless you do a movie version of ALF or something. 

Actually, I take that back. A Tim Burton take on ALF, with Johnny Depp as the titular alien life form, obviously, might be worth a look. 

2. Katy Perry: Part of Me

   

Like Battleship, Katy Perry: Part of Me falls squarely in the "obviously" column, but I thought I'd include it because I do, in fact, plan on watching this film one day. It won't be in a theater and I will not have paid ten dollars, or however much 3D ticket costs, to see it. I will be seated, pantless, in the comfort of my own home, with a box of Goobers and a fresh dress sock, just as I've watched everything Katy Perry has appeared in thus far. (I'd like to apologize to my daughter in the future and my wife right now for that one.) 

3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

    

I caused a small kerfuffle on my Facebook page when I recently mocked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter--or as I call it, AL-Colon-VH--but that was before the trailer surfaced. Now, I ask you, people (AKA male nerds) who thought this was a good idea, what do you think of your AL-Colon-VH now? This trailer sucks (no pun intended). When I see that title pop up on a movie screen, it embarrasses me. Seriously. I went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol--or as I like to call it, Mission Impossible: In A Hoodie--with my father and the AL-Colon-VH trailer played and I've never felt more ashamed. 

This is where we are now? Honestly, what's next? Thomas Jefferson: Zombie Shooter? James Madison: Werewolf Tamer? George Washington: Dragon Wrangler? 

 4. Ted

    

I could spend $10.00 to see Ted or stay home and watch a Family Guy marathon on TBS for free. Or I could drop a can of paint on my foot. I'm gonna go with the can. 

(In the spirit of full disclosure, I will probably rent this. Happy?) 

5. What to Expect When You're Expecting

   

Again, I was obviously never going to see this, but when your trailer prominently features Rob Huebel and Tom Lennon, I should be laughing at least. How did they take two of my favorite funny people and make them so painfully unfunny in this trailer? It's sick!

Gone Fishin'

The family and I are taking a little vacation this week, so there won't be any posts for a little bit. Don't worry, GEP will be back with all new material next week, but this week, well, I need a break. You see, life can be stressful and annoying, and sometimes the only way to right oneself again is to pack up the car, drive to New Jersey, and consume as many Wawa Shortis as possible in the span of four days.

While I'm gone, please enjoy this exciting clip from the 1989 film No Holds Barred. Marvel at the sheer brutality of a Hulk Hogan unchained! Stare awestruck at the greatest fight choreography ever committed to film! Witness the most shameful line reading in movie history (FYI: It's at the 2:00 mark)! I'll see you guys next week. Have a nice vacation, me.

Tawdry Tuesday: Perverted in Portlandia

Younger readers of Giant Electric Penguin might know Madonna only as the elderly woman who sang with a choir during this year's Super Bowl, but back when I was a kid, Madonna was the hottest thing on two legs with a conical bra. Remember when Mtv banned the video for "Justify My Love" from its airwaves? Watching the video now, it seems about as racy as a modern day perfume ad. Is it sexy? A little, but mostly it makes me want to drive to Macy's and buy my mom a bottle of something expensive for Mother's Day.

Has the world gotten more perverse and, therefore, less concerned with the amount of sex shown on its television screens and at its cineplexes? Absolutely. It's why are country is going to Hell and the reason we need Rick Santorum to step in and right the ship again. But this is Tawdry Tuesday, not Political POV Late Afternoon Thursday (coming soon!), and on Tawdry Tuesday we revel in all that is kinky, seedy, and perverse. And today our focus is on Madonna and her 1993 film Body of Evidence.

The faces of hand fun.

Before sitting down to watch it, I knew exactly one thing about Body of Evidence: at some point in the movie, Madonna drips candle wax on Willem Dafoe. That's it. What I didn't know--besides the details of the derivative plot, the rampant bad acting, and the abject boredom brought on by actually viewing the film--was that Madonna doesn't "drip" candle wax on Willem Dafoe, as much as she "dumps" candle wax on Willem Dafoe's balls. Yes, that's what was going on in the candle wax scene a 14-year-old Matt could only dream about in 1993. I'm sure back then I probably thought the idea of Madonna pouring hot wax on some dude was dirty and exciting. Of course I did! It was weird, and I was into some weird stuff. Plus, I hadn't yet developed the thick layer of chest hair I sport today. I didn't think of the consequences that a night spent flinging candle wax around would bring. I didn't have to. Today all I could think about was the clean up process the next morning.

But that's not the point. The point is, Madonna unequivocally saturates Willem Dafoe's scrotum with molten candle wax. There's nothing fun and sexy about that. If that's your kink, more power to you, but it's not for me, man. I don't like to have my balls ignored during a sex session, but maybe when melted wax is being prepared for the specific purpose of being dumped all over my boys, too much attention is being paid. I mean, c'mon, ladies. Let's use some common sense.

Here's the thing though: I think by this point in the evolutionary development of humankind, women understand the fragility of a man's balls. No virgin is starting off her first time with a quick uppercut to her lover's bing-bongs, right? You wouldn't like to be punched in the vagina, right, nameless virigin I just made up? Well, your partner doesn't want to be clocked in his junk neither. We all understand balls, I think. Let's move on.

I guess what really matters here is if Body of Evidence is, in fact, tawdrier than the first five episodes of Melrose Place. Simply put, yes. Body of Evidence is way tawdrier than anything on Melrose Place. I don't remember anybody ever pouring candle wax all over Billy's nutsack or giving Jake a hand-job in an elevator. Maybe that's in episode six.

For everything Body of Evidence isn't (i.e. thrilling, kinky, good, etc), it is, without a doubt, tawdry as all heck. Here is a quick list of the tawdriest acts depicted on screen: sex tapes, "reverse cowgirl," hand cuffs, Willem Dafoe butt shots, elevator hand fun, parking garage cunnilingus, stairway Frenching, adultery, Julianne Moore nipple suckage.

Yes, Body of Evidence is a tawdry romp on the mild side of sex, but it isn't particularly good. And, despite what you might think from the list above, it is surprisingly tame. Madonna's involvement implies, to me anyway, that a film is going to get all kinds of freaky, but in Body of Evidence, Willem Dafoe's character seems blown away by the dull fact that Madonna and her elderly lover video taped themselves having sex and watched it later. Oh, that's crazy!

NEXT TIME: ORIGINAL SIN (I don't know anything about this movie, but a quick Google image search yields a plethora of pictures displaying Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas enjoying a naked embrace, Jolie's boobs strategically blocked by Banderas' arms in each one. Move your arm, dude!)

Tawdry Tuesday: New and Improved and Sexxy

So, yeah, Tawdry Tuesday has pretty much been a bust up to this point. Melrose Place failed to provide the cheap, titillating thrills I had hoped for. Plus, it kinda sucks. I mean, have you actually seen an episode of Melrose Place? It's crappy. Even by 90's standards. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't get any better. Also, I've not seen a single episode of Mad Men, yet I was totally prepared to watch seven seasons of Melrose Place. There's something deeply wrong with that.

So, yeah, I didn't like Melrose Place. I do, however, like Tawdry Tuesday. Monday is the dreaded first day of the work week and, therefore, a total bum-out; Wednesday, known in some circles as "Hump Day," is the day Americans traditionally hump one another; on Thursday most people flip the switch to neutral and coast into Friday; and Friday, well, you've got to get down on Friday, right? I mean, everybody's looking forward to the weekend weekend, RIGHT??? What's Tuesday got? Nothing. So, I'm filling Tuesdays up with tawdriness galore. Here's what you, dear perverted reader, can look forward to on Tuesdays in the coming months:

April--Body of Evidence

Madonna, Willem Dafoe and Joe Mantegna?!? That's almost too sexy (you know, except for the Willem Dafoe and Joe Mantegna part).

May--Original Sin

Sinning is, like, the sexist thing a person can do. I can only imagine the varieties of sin Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie could get into together.

June--Blown Away

That's right: the Coreys made an erotic thriller. I don't believe it either. We'll get to the bottom of this soon enough.

July--The Last Seduction

Get your tube socks ready, gentleman and ladies. I have a feeling this one is gonna be eroticker than hell.

Meet me back here one week from today for the all-new, Melrose Place-free Tawdry Tuesday. I promise it'll be the sexiest thing you ever do aside from actual sex.

(Also, don't wait until next Tuesday to visit GEP. There's going to be all kinds of stuff to new stuff to read before then. Just sayin'.)

Hunger Games sold out? What's a person to do this weekend?

So, every showing of The Hunger Games is sold out at your local multiplex, huh? I know it seems like the end of the world, but I promise it isn't. The Hunger Games will be there for you next weekend. Of course, by that time, everyone in the know will have already seen it, discussed it, purchased and listened to the soundtrack thirty or fifty times, ordered their very own Katniss Everdeen throw pillow to snuggle with at night, and probably seen it a second or third time, but, whatever, you chose to wait. Like a chump.

But, OK, fine, you're not going to see The Hunger Games this weekend. You'll live (if you call that living...). I don't get to see it this weekend either. Think I'm crying about? No way! I mean, I did, earlier, but now I'm kinda all cried out and ready to find some alternate activities to fill my weekend with meaning. After all, what's a weekend without activities? Answer: a pretty good weekend. What's so great about activities?

Anyway, here are some things you can do this weekend if you failed to purchase advance tickets to the only movie that has ever mattered in the history of movies.*

1. Crack a book for once in your life!--You do know The Hunger Games is based on a popular series of books, right? Why not visit your local public library this weekend and check out a book or two. They don't have popcorn at the library--that would be sooooo great!!!--but they do have books. Lots of 'em! I'm a voracious reader myself. For instance, right now I'm reading two books: Philip K Dick's The Transmigration of Timothy Archer and Kitty Kelley's The Family, the unauthorized biography of the Bush Dynasty. I'm not saying you have to read either one of these, even though they are both pretty good, just find something you might like and read it. Or read to your kid. Or read a magazine. Or read this blog! Just read something!

2. Go see something else!--There are other movies you can see this weekend, you know. Like this one:



Yes, October Baby, the film The AV Club so expertly describes as being "no less than a pro-life revenge fantasy." As you probably couldn't really tell from the trailer, October Baby tells the story of a young woman whose birth mother tried to have her aborted unsuccessfully. This failed abortion attempt led to the girl's premature birth and adoption by, I'm gonna guess, a family of diehard, pro-life, right-wing Christian folks. The film follows the aforementioned abortion survivor's quest to find the birth mother that tried to have her snuffed out. And, hey, she gets a little help from A Different World's Whitley along the way.

This is not a horror movie. This is a film premise that enough misguided people believed in to get it written, directed, and paid for. What does Hannah, the aborted, stand to gain from meeting the mother who never wanted her? What is meeting the baby she tried to abort going to do to that mother? Pro-life or pro-choice: nobody loves the idea of dead babies. But Hannah doesn't know why her birth mother chose the abortion route, I don't think. Do they tell adopted kids that story? Ick, I hope not. This is awful. Don't see this. Maybe this though:



I've heard this is awesome. Let's go tonight. You guys in?

3. Stay in and watch a movie--If you aren't one of the rats that have abandoned the slowly sinking ship that is Netflix, why not check out 2009's Gamer on instant view. Like The Hunger Games, Gamer takes place in a futuristic world that kinda sucks, where individuals are forced to kill (or hump) one another for the amusement of the masses. Unlike The Hunger Games, it's full of tits and blood. And it's from the team that brought you the Crank series, so you know it's going to be at least a little fun. And it'll probably make you throw up in your mouth. GEP approved! [Watch the trailer here.]

4. Get your house ready to put on the market--That's what I'm doing this weekend. Fun.

5. Spend some quality time with your family--You want to spend your entire weekend sitting in the dark staring at a giant screen? I don't. I want to play Little People with my daughter. I want to discuss the most recent episode of 30 Rock with my wife. I want to take my cat to Monkey Joe's (don't tell him--it's a surprise). In a nutshell, I wanna do family shit. You should too.

6. Beg someone for their Hunger Games tickets--Sexual favors will probably yield the most positive results.






*I don't really think that, but I am excited.

BLANK meets BLANK: 17 Movie Pitches Too Insipid Even For Hollywood (Prolly)

I could write something super reactionary and bloggy here and be all, like, "Hollywood doesn't make good movies anymore. All they do is crank out sequels, reboots, and remakes, and every single one of them sucks mud!" I could write that, but I won't. This sentiment has been shared before, by bloggers sloppier and more unshaven than I. Also, it's simply not true. Plenty of good movies pop up here and there every year, you've just got to know where to look and, I guess, have the desire to want to seek them out. The sad truth is, as long as the majority of the moviegoing public wants sparkly vampires, warring space robots, and inexplicable actioners based on board games, that's what we're going to get. Vote with your dollar. Blah blah blah.

Anyway, instead of complaining about the state of modern moviedom on a blog three people read (thanks, you three!!!), GEP has decided to take action against Hollywood's perceived unwillingness to try anything new and exciting. No, we're not going to pitch our best movie ideas--those will go with us to the mass grave our future robot overlords toss us into when the inevitable robo-takeover commences. Our plan is to pitch ideas so utterly inane, that the studios will have no choice but to go, "Wait, is this really what we're doing now? A fourth Transformers? This blog's snark has inspired me to try harder. To do better." Or something.

Our pitches will be laid out in the classic style of "[INSERT MOVIE HERE] meets [INSERT DIFFERENT MOVIE HERE], because it is easy.

For the record, the "Whatever-the-hell meets Whatever-the-shit" thing never works. I was recently telling a friend about my #2 favorite movie of 2011 Hanna and described it--against my better judgement, mind you--as "art house meets the Bourne movies." I don't know what I was thinking, OK? Stop judging me. The moment I said it, my friend made a frowny face and I knew I had failed. So, yeah.

So, listen up, Hollywood! We got some pitches for ya. Remember: you are NOT to make any of the movies on this list. I repeat, you are NOT to make any of these movies. If you do, however, how 'bout tossing a couple million bucks GEP's way?

1. Die Hard meets Flatliners
2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? meets Schindler's List
3. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets The Thing
4. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan meets Everyone Says I Love You
5. Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer meets Irreversible
4. Donnie Darko meets Sleepless in Seattle
5. Snakes on a Plane meets Paul Blart: Mall Cop (that might not be that bad actually)
6. Meet the Parents meets Meet the Feebles
7. My Left Foot meets Jackass: The Movie
8. Toy Story meets Seven
9. Crank 2 meets Dancer in the Dark
10. Godzilla meets Winter's Bone (I might see that one)
11. Surviving the Game meets American Beauty
12. Sophie's Choice meets The Pit
13. The Bourne Identity meets Somewhere in Time
14. Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation meets Hostel 2
15. The Day the Earth Stood Still meets Love Actually
16. Dawn of the Dead meets Serendipity
17. Humanoids from the Deep meets Valentine's Day

Giant Electric Penguin's Highly Anticipated Oscar Fashion Wrap-Up Report 2012 Edition!!!

I love Oscar fashions! The gowns! The baubles! The designers I've never heard of and their designs that I will never be able to afford! I may not have watched more than Billy Crystal's opening whatever-the-hell-that-was last night, but I wasn't going to miss 2012's parade of fashions. Here are some of my favorites:

If you follow me on Twitter (and if you don't, what's wrong with you), you already know I'm weirdly fascinated with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo's Rooney Mara. Here's how she looked. I give this outfit five out of five boners. (Sorry, everybody.)

Rooney's sister and Ben Harmon's dead, baby-snatching mistress, Kate Mara, showed up in this stunning gown that really accentuates her awful posture.

The world's most boring super hero flew in special for the event. Her super power: the supernatural ability to make people's eyes roll with a mere word.

It was a big night for Milla Jovovich. First, she shows up looking amazing in this glamorous gown. Then, she goes home with a whole armload of Academy Awards, including Best Supporting Actress for her role as Milady de Winter in The Three Musketeers, Best Original Screenplay for Midnight in Paris, which she wrote under the pseudonym "Woody Allen," and Best Actress for her role in 2010's Resident Evil: Afterlife. I didn't even know they could do that!!!

Here's what the person who judges everybody's appearance post-Oscars looks like. I call this look "Target-chic."

And congratulations to Nancy O'Dell, who was crowned 2012's Butter Queen on the Oscar's red carpet this year for some reason. I thought they gave that award out at a completely different ceremony. There is so much I don't understand about Hollywood.

My 10 Favorite Films of 2011

The 84th Academy Awards air tomorrow, and for the first time in a long time, I couldn't care less.

"But, Matt, Billy Crystal is making his triumphant return as the host this year! And think of the fashions! WON'T YOU JUST THINK FOR A MOMENT OF THE FASHIONS!!!"

Calm down, weird, fashion-obsessed reader. I'll check out the photos from the red carpet while I drink my coffee Monday morning like I always do (sadly true), I'm just not super excited about the nominees this year, that's all. When the nominations were first announced, I remember thinking, "Wow, 2011 was a shitty year for movies." I hadn't seen even one of the Best Picture nominees (in fact, I still haven't seen any of them), so, unfairly, I deemed 2011 the worst year in film ever in recorded history. I'm kind of dramatic.

But then I started catching up, and I slowly began to realize that 2011 may have been the best year in movies ever. I learned that there were so many good movies released in 2011, that there was no possibly way for all of them to receive the nominations they so richly deserved.

Anyway, here is a list of my Top Ten Favorite Movies of 2011, along with some Honorable Mentions and my picks for the Worst. Enjoy.

10. BRIDESMAIDS

9. I SAW THE DEVIL

8. THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN

7. SUPER

6. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL

5. 13 ASSASSINS

4. ATTACK THE BLOCK

3. DRIVE

2. HANNA

1. SUPER 8

HONORABLE MENTION

The Muppets: My wife isn't a big movie fan, but we do share a deep affection for Jim Henson's Muppets, as I think most people of our generation do. Those with a soul anyway. I think this was the only movie we saw together in a theater last year. I remember afterward we went to On the Border for dinner and she had a deep-fried avocado. I can't remember if she liked it or not. We both loved the film. It was a nice evening.

Captain America: The First Avenger: Of the three Marvel-based superhero movies I saw last summer (Thor, X-Men: First Class, and Captain American), this one was the best. X-Men: First Class was boring and, well, Thor was...just read on...

2 FILMS I HATED (or THE WORST FILMS OF 2011)

Thor: I never expected to like a movie based on Marvel Comics' Thor character (He's the actual Thor, right? Of Norse mythology?), so I went in with pretty low expectations. Actually, that's not entirely true. For some reason, the critical community largely gave Thor a pass, which, in turn, inspired me to adjust my apathetic feelings toward the whole endeavor. So, I entered the theater with slightly elevated expectations. And, boy, was I disappointed. Any movie that makes me loathe a Natalie Portman performance this much--and I looooathe her performance in this hunk of garbage--has something terribly wrong with it. I think that something is the fact that this was a movie about Thor.

Hobo with a Shotgun: Hey, I knew what I was getting into, and, frankly, I was damn excited to get into it. I love a good low-budget exploitation flick, specifically the kind that includes a whole bunch of revenge-related gore. But Hobo with a Shotgun didn't sit right with me. It made me queasy, but not in that fun way. I know what it was that turned me off, while turning my stomach. It was all the violence directed at children. Seeing a gutterpunk shove a hand cannon in a baby's face isn't my idea of a good time. Have a kid and tell me how funny the bus burning scene is, OK? Listen, if you enjoyed Hobo with a Shotgun, that's great. I didn't. I've told you why. Now, let's move on.

FILMS I STILL NEED/WANT TO SEE: Midnight in Paris (currently sitting atop my DVD player), The Tree of Life, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, 50/50, Martha Marcy May Marlene, Melancholia, Young Adult, The Artist, Beginners, Drive Angry

This Means Sweeping Government Reform

I've got a real problem with the new film This Means War. And it's not because it looks dumb or because I'm not very fond of Reese Witherspoon or because the two male leads seem super bland or because I don't find Chelsea Handler particularly funny or because it's currently got a 27% on RottenTomatoes. No, my problem is with the premise itself:

The world's deadliest CIA operatives are inseparable partners and best friends until they fall for the same woman. Having once helped bring down entire enemy nations, they are now employing their incomparable skills and an endless array of high-tech gadgetry against their greatest nemesis ever - each other. (RottenTomatoes)

"Endless array of high-tech gadgetry," huh? And who's footing the bill for all this tech exactly? That's right: the American taxpayer. Is that what you're doing with all my money, President Obama? I'm breaking my back day in and day out at a job I mostly hate and paying my taxes on time and in full, so two sex-starved dipshits can ruin each other's dates with some chick Zack and Slater-style? Shenanigans!

How in the world can anybody find this concept entertaining? I'm serious. These two CIA buddies-turned-romantic-rivals are spending massive amounts of time and money not monitoring terrorist cells, but spying on Reese Witherspoon. That isn't funny. It's infuriating.

Also, I don't find Chelsea Handler particularly funny.

OMIGOD, U GUYZ!!!

Did you guys get your exclusive invite to the The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 midnight DVD release party this Friday at Target? I totally did:
I can't wait! This is going to be the best Friday night ever! I don't even know why I was one of the select few to receive this epic Save The Date, but I couldn't feel more honored. You always hope for something this amazingly special to happen to you, but when it actually does...I'm at a loss for words. I feel bad for the slobs that didn't get an invite to this event, an event I'm already calling The Party of the Year!!! I cannot think of a better way to celebrate the DVD release of a poorly-reviewed movie based on a series of mediocre books about an unappealing, sour-faced high school girl who falls in love with a sullen, sparkly, baseball-playing vampire and something about werewolves. Twilight is a high point for American culture, and I'm glad Target is showing it the proper respect.

Besides getting to see a sneak peek of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2, check out all of the cool stuff available for purchase:

--A DVD or Blu-Ray copy of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 with prop flowers from the film's wedding scene jammed inside!

--The The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 official movie soundtrack, featuring songs from Bruno Mars and a bunch of people you've never heard of!

--A gaudy replica engagement ring like the one Bella wears in the movie!

--A Trapper Keeper featuring a collage of shirtless Taylor Lautner pictures, most of them stolen from the actor's personal cell phone!

--A The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 fleece blanket, perfect for smothering the obnoxious Twi-Mom in your life!

--The original Twilight series of novels, perfect for burning on these cold winter nights!

--An official Twilight Saga hammer, perfect for caving in your own skull!

--Twilight stickers!!!

This is gonna be great! I'll see you guys at Target this Friday night! I can hardly wait!!! Team Twilight for life!!!

Movie Penguin Wednesday: #17. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

The mystery of "shrim" has finally be revealed. On one level, I wish it hadn't. I could've gone my entire life ignorant to the ins-and-outs of "shrim" and its alleged benefits to the human psyche. Of course, my life would have been nothing but an empty, mirthless wasteland, much like the S'wallow Valley Mall and Pizza Court before (and after, I guess) Dobis PR gets their hands on it. What I'm saying is that I'll gladly endure three minutes of the most horrifying, yet oddly compelling and disgustingly hilarious, act I've ever seen in a motion picture. To be fair, I haven't seen The Human Centipede, but I can guarantee that the shrim/sex montage in Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie gives that thing a run for its money.

I should admit right here at the top that I am a huge fan of both Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim. I am, undoubtedly, the audience for this movie. That said, you should understand that all of the praise that I am about to spew shrim-style on Tim and Eric's first full-length feature is spewing from someone who loves everything these guys do. I proudly wear my Rats Off To Ya t-shirt to formal events. I am training my daughter to refer to her grandfather as Pep-Pep. I regularly sing medleys of Casey and his brother tunes before, during, and after making love to my wife. Like I said, I'm a fan.

What I'm trying to impart to you is that Tim and Eric are not for everybody. I can't readily identify with people who they aren't for (Well, that's kind of a lie. I get along with my wife quite well), but there it is. An audience at Sundance this year walked out of the film's premiere in droves, a lot of them before the "shrim" scene unleashes it's terrible fury. I don't understand these people. And I don't want to. They aren't people I want to know.

With Billion Dollar Movie, Tim and Eric are not--repeat, not!--looking to extend their fanbase, in fact, I don't think that was ever the plan. If it does, you know, grow their legions of loyal fans, I don't even think they'd give a shit. And that's why I like Tim and Eric so much. Tom Goes to the Mayor, Awesome Show, Great Job!, their calls to The Best Show on WFMU, Eric's music videos--they do whatever the hell they want. They know what they think is funny and they do it. They don't compromise. They don't care if it plays here, there, or anywhere on the planet Earth. They go for it. That's the kind of comedy I enjoy, the kind of comedy I respect.
Enough of my fan-fapping. What's this thing about? Is it about anything? My wife asked me during breakfast Sunday morning, "Is it just a bunch of Tim and Eric sketches edited together?" To this I say, no, but there are several elements of Awesome Show here: spot-on low-rent local commercial parodies; cameos from Awesome Show's stable of oddball regulars, including James Quall performing a bread-themed stand-up set at an all-bread restaurant; a preoccupation with father/son relationships; and gallons of various body fluids.

Billion Dollar Movie opens with, well, Tim and Eric's billion dollar movie, a three minute film based on the poem "Bonjour, Diamond Jim," starring a Johnny Depp impersonator whom the duo mistook for the actual Johnny Depp during filming. This, of course, only accounts for a small portion of the billion dollars invested by the Schlaaang Corporation. Heidecker and Wareheim have decked their leading man in a suit made entirely of diamonds, purchased themselves expensive Hollywood makeovers, and hired a spiritual advisor, Jim Joe Kelly (Zach Galifianakis). Upon seeing the finished product, Tommy Schlaaang (Robert Loggia), demands his billion dollar investment back.

Broke and unable to pay Schlaaang, Tim and Eric drown their sorrows in coke, women, and penis piercings. During their night of debauchery however, they see a commercial that offers a quick and easy way to make exactly one billion dollars: revive the S'wallow Valley Mall and Pizza Court, a rundown shopping plaza plagued by diseased vagrants, shitty stores, and at least one dangerous wolf. Tim and Eric, believing this to be the only way to pay their debt to Schlaaang, dub themselves Dobis (fashioned from the phrase "Doing Business") PR and journey to S'wallow Valley.

There they find, well, a rundown shopping plaza plagued by diseased vagrants, the diseased-iest being Taquito, a shuffling man-child who was left at the mall when he was little and now lives in the walls, played by John C. Reilly; shitty stores, like the used toilet paper outlet--the owner of which has his son stolen away by Tim--and the sword store owned by Allen Bishopman (Will Forte), who apparently is paid by the state to not sell swords; and at least one dangerous wolf. Tim and Eric offer to turn the mall around, previous owner/Top Gun super-fan Damien Weebs (Will Ferrell) gladly hands it over, and Dobis PR does what it can to make a billion dollars.

Oh, and then there's "shrim."

Something gross is about to happen...

I don't want to give much more of Billion Dollar Movie away because it really must be seen to be believed. Tim and Eric fans, this is the Tim and Eric movie you've longed for. Trust me. You will not be disappointed. Any loved ones you coerce/force/trick into watching it with you might be, but that's their problem really. I mean, seriously, what's wrong with them? Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim have created an instant cult classic, a midnight movie that will bewilder, disgust, and entertain generations of weirdos until the end of time. Great job! (Read that in Bob Odenkirk's voice if you can.)

Movie Penguin Monday: #16. Sweet Karma (2009)

Sweet Karma is a grimy genre picture from Canada, a country revered for its wholesome goodness and free healthcare. I've always thought of Canada as a place where people can leave their doors unlocked--maybe even ajar--at night, without fear of home invasion. A land where any disagreement can be solved over a plate of poutine or a friendly, pick-up hockey match. Where the policeman carry nothing more lethal than a wagging finger. And they ride moose to work, right? I thought I saw a picture of a Canadian guy riding a moose once.

Nothing bad ever happens in Canada, but if it does, well, it's really bad. I mean, twisted bad. Remember back in 2008 when Tim McLean, a Canadian carnival employee, was decapitated and partially eaten (ew.) by a psychotic Chinese man while traveling home on a Greyhound bus? That was terrible, made all the more horrifying by the fact that it happened in Canada, where nothing bad ever happens.

Of course, bad shit happens everywhere. Even Canada. Murder. Sexual assault. Human trafficking. Hockey fights.

Sweet Karma ostensibly focuses on the trafficking of humans, specifically females, specifically Russian females. Russian women are being tricked into moving to Toronto for a flashy career in housecleaning, but are instead forced into the city's underground sex trade. The women are forced to be strippers, prostitutes, adult film actresses or whatever else the Russian mob decides is best. It's an awful world. A sick world. And Sweet Karma revels in it.

But it has to, because that's the kind of movie Sweet Karma is. It's a sleazy, disturbing, super low-budget revenge flick, and as such, it is a success. It also isn't terribly groundbreaking.

Revenge pictures are rote by their very nature. A character is wronged, either directly or indirectly, so they take revenge on those that committed the wronging. That's the skeleton, now the writers just need to insert the organs and hang the flesh. The director gives it a little zap Frankenstein-style, and, there, you got your revenge film.

In Sweet Karma, it is mute Russian beauty Karma who has been wronged, albeit indirectly. Her sister immigrates to Canada on the promise of housecleaning work and promptly disappears. Karma travels to Canada to exact revenge on the Russian baddies responsible, starting with the woman who helped her sister get out of the country in the first place. After securing her plane ticket and signing her work visa paperwork, Karma stabs the woman in the head with a knife. One down--three to go.

Let's talk about the actress who plays Karma real quick. Her name is Shera Bechard and she is gorgeous. She never says a word, but her eyes convey each tortured emotion perfectly. I really liked Karma. Until the strip club scene. Or, more accurately, the, ummmm, third strip club scene, I think? There are so many strip club scenes in this thing.

So, Karma is supposed to be this simple, mild-mannered girl driven to murder after the apparent death of her beloved sister. She doesn't want to hurt anyone--to kill anyone--but she feels it is her duty. And I was with her. Until she took her clothes off.

To lure one of the creepy Russian slimeballs responsible for forcing poor Russian girls into a life of sexual slavery, Karma performs a striptease for him, before slaughtering him in the handicap bathroom. The striptease is fine. Karma doesn't perform above what would be believable for her character. She is a very beautiful girl, so it doesn't take much more than some swaying and a pair of half-lidded eyes to get the job done. But then Karma takes her top off.

Karma has the fakest fake boobs I've ever seen in my life. Don't misunderstand. They're fine, but they are fake. I've seen a lot of boobs in my life (jealous?) and I'm fairly certain one's nipples do not naturally reside on top of one's breasts. Correct me if I've wrong, ladies, but I'm not wrong. But that isn't even my problem really. It's more the fact that Karma, a taciturn orphan girl from a poor family, somehow has fake tits. It took me out of the movie. I know they couldn't ask Bechard to remove her boobs for the shoot, but it's distracting.

The "fake boob striptease" inspired me to do some research on Shera Bechard. I discovered that she is, in fact, a Playboy Playmate who, when she is not playing mute Russian girls on revenge sprees, sports platinum blonde hair and the overly made-up appearance of an erotic model. I thought I'd discovered a beautiful, no-name actress destined for greatness, but instead I'd stumbled across a favor someone owed to a film producer.

That's not fair. I already said Bechard is good in the role, and she is. The fact that she is a nude model doesn't change the fact that she gives a good performance. It does explain why her character is mute. The movie offers a dubious explanation--Karma's mother died giving birth to her and as a result, Karma has chosen never to speak--but I think we all know the truth. Shera Bechard has a great career ahead of her, provided she continues to play characters who cannot talk.

Also, one more thing about Bechard. In the "About" section of her official website, the first entry on her list of accomplishments is that she was born in the same town as James Cameron. Um, good job?

The best day at work ever!

It should go without saying that Karma completes her revenge tour of Toronto, but not before the film offers a final twist, which I should've predicted, but did not. The twist, as it were, kind of muddles the entire message of the movie. If you ever plan on watching Sweet Karma for anything other than the copious amount of strip club scenes, I'd hold off on reading the rest of this review. Things is about to get all spoilery up in here, son!

So, yeah, I'm aware that most of you have figured out the twist already simply from reading this review, but here it is anyway: Karma's sister is not dead. In fact, she is shacked up with the Canadian businessman fronting the money to the Russian sleazebags Karma has spent the film murdering in increasingly uninteresting ways. Yes, Karma's sister knows what is going on, but accepts it since her freedom has been purchased and she now lives in a nice, big house.

And that's the end! A frustrated Karma fires a gun into the ceiling, says good-bye to her undercover police officer friend--oh, yeah, I skipped that whole part--and goes back to Russia. The end. The underground sex trade goes on, only now with three fewer players. What, you wanted Karma to clean up the mean streets of Toronto for good? Not bloody likely.

Incidentally, I've been to Toronto, and the streets are already spotlessly clean. Granted, I stayed on the nice streets, but I'm sure the mean streets are pretty clean as well.

Saturday Morning News Bits: inappropriate groping, art criticism, drunk puppies, and pastor sex

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