5 Summer Movies I Will Not Be Seeing

The summer movie season is upon us and that means blockbusters. And popcorn. And butter pumps. Mmmmm, butter pumps. 


We'll get back to the butter pump in a minute, right now, I want to focus on the upcoming summer movies that I have absolutely no intention of seeing. You see, for every Marvel's The Avengers, there are two movies I wouldn't be caught dead risking my life at the ol' butter pump for. You think I'm going to subject my arteries to processed "butter" substitute for The Dictator? Not bloody likely. So, here they are, five summertime duds I won't be seeing this summer or, if I can help it, ever. 


(Note: You'll notice that Battleship does not appear on this list. This is because, well, obviously.)

1. Dark Shadows

   

Look, I'm not familiar with the source material, so I'm probably not the audience for Tim Burton's latest. However, I don't know anybody--except my wife, who heard a story on NPR last week about the old Dark Shadows soap opera--who is familiar with it. Now just because my generation and the generations that have come after us don't know anything about an old TV show full of ghosts and vampires from the 1970s doesn't mean a movie adaptation shouldn't be made (it doesn't?), it just means you're gonna have to sell it to us a little harder. The trailer, which I've seen way too many times in the past couple of months, fails at this miserably. There isn't one laugh in this thing. I've rolled my eyes several times ("We don't have horses. We have a Chevy;" Barnabas doesn't understand how TV works; etc), but never once smiled. Look, I'm not an under-sexed housewife, so just sticking Johnny Depp in your movie doesn't do it for me. 

Sorry, Tim Burton. Maybe next time, unless you do a movie version of ALF or something. 

Actually, I take that back. A Tim Burton take on ALF, with Johnny Depp as the titular alien life form, obviously, might be worth a look. 

2. Katy Perry: Part of Me

   

Like Battleship, Katy Perry: Part of Me falls squarely in the "obviously" column, but I thought I'd include it because I do, in fact, plan on watching this film one day. It won't be in a theater and I will not have paid ten dollars, or however much 3D ticket costs, to see it. I will be seated, pantless, in the comfort of my own home, with a box of Goobers and a fresh dress sock, just as I've watched everything Katy Perry has appeared in thus far. (I'd like to apologize to my daughter in the future and my wife right now for that one.) 

3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

    

I caused a small kerfuffle on my Facebook page when I recently mocked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter--or as I call it, AL-Colon-VH--but that was before the trailer surfaced. Now, I ask you, people (AKA male nerds) who thought this was a good idea, what do you think of your AL-Colon-VH now? This trailer sucks (no pun intended). When I see that title pop up on a movie screen, it embarrasses me. Seriously. I went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol--or as I like to call it, Mission Impossible: In A Hoodie--with my father and the AL-Colon-VH trailer played and I've never felt more ashamed. 

This is where we are now? Honestly, what's next? Thomas Jefferson: Zombie Shooter? James Madison: Werewolf Tamer? George Washington: Dragon Wrangler? 

 4. Ted

    

I could spend $10.00 to see Ted or stay home and watch a Family Guy marathon on TBS for free. Or I could drop a can of paint on my foot. I'm gonna go with the can. 

(In the spirit of full disclosure, I will probably rent this. Happy?) 

5. What to Expect When You're Expecting

   

Again, I was obviously never going to see this, but when your trailer prominently features Rob Huebel and Tom Lennon, I should be laughing at least. How did they take two of my favorite funny people and make them so painfully unfunny in this trailer? It's sick!

X-Men: 3rd Chance

1st Chance: When I was in middle school, it was Marvel or nothing. And as far as super heroes went, they didn't come any better than Spider-Man. I still enjoy a good Spider-Man yarn when I stumble across one, but lately my tastes have shifted to Frank Miller-era Daredevil stories and any Batman graphic novels I can get my hands on at the local library. I've recently dabbled in Captain America, and I've tried some old Chris Claremont Wolverine comics, but they are verrrrry hit or miss. And then, last week, I was visited by a random thought: "Hey, Matt, maybe it's time to give the X-Men a second chance. You have to admit you didn't give them a fair shake back in the day." Let me explain.

The thought itself probably wasn't all that random, if I'm being honest. There is a new X-Men movie currently playing in theaters all over the country. However, I was never an X-Men fan. My best friend was. At the time--the Jim Lee-era, I'll call it--it seemed like everybody was, which is probably why I rebelled and threw my metaphorical hat into Spider-Man's ring. And, yes I realize how dumb that sounds considering Spider-Man is one of most beloved comic book super heroes in the world, second only to Batman probably. See, I have this thing in me that won't let me embrace something if everyone around me loves it. It's a dumb thing, but there it is. I usually come around, but I have to do so on my own terms. It's the reason I refused to watch Scrubs,* ignored the New Pornographers,** and preached the superiority of Cracked over MAD.*** I should've loved X-Men--all those cool, bizzaro mutants--but I shunned them, unfairly, much like the distrustful non-mutant characters on the pages of X-Men itself.

2nd Chance: The idea of an X-Men movie probably sent legions of neck-bearded mouth-breathers into nerdy hysterics in 2000. I would experience my own nerdgasm moment four years later with the release of Spider-Man 2 (I didn't care for 2002's Spider-Man, though upon a second viewing a few years later...well, perhaps that story is best left for a future post). When Bryan Singer's X-Men movie arrived though, I couldn't have cared less. I liked Wolverine (who didn't?) and I thought Gambit was pretty cool (though not so cool I felt the need to whine and shake my nerdy fists at the heavens when it was announced he would not make an appearance), but I wasn't counting down the days until its release or anything. I saw it. It was OK. I saw X2 three years later. It was fine. Couldn't tell you anything that happened, but it was fine. Saw The Last Stand three more years later. Thought it was all right. Didn't get why some people absolutely hated it. So, Brett Ratner directed. Weren't there more important things to worry about? Weren't we still searching for Bin Laden at this point? And swine flu? Was swine flu a thing then? Whatever. The X-Men movies were fine, summer distractions, but they did not ignite a desire within me to seek out the X-Men comics I had ignored as a boy. I still liked Wolverine and that was enough for me.
3rd Chance: So, last week I saw this X-Men: First Class movie. Here are the things I liked:

1. I liked that it was set in the 1960's and that it incorporated an actual historic event, the Cuban Missile Crisis (Is that 'spoiler alert' worthy? Probably not. I think that's common knowledge going in.). I like things that take real events and inject them with the fantastical (i.e. Inglourious Basterds; Susanna Clark's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell).

2. I enjoyed James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Professor X and Magneto respectively.

3. I'm a big fan of Matthew Vaughn's films Layer Cake and Kick-Ass. He's a good director. He did a nice job.

Here are a few things I didn't like so much:

1. I liked the sweeping nature of the story, but it sure took a long time to form anything resembling a story. I get it. It's a reboot, a do-over, we're gonna get the origin stories, but the first thirty minutes or so just sort of meandered. All that wandering around grew tiresome.

2. January Jones is awful. I've never seen Mad Men, so I don't know, but is that, like, what she does? Is that her thing? She just seemed kind of bored. And she's attractive and all, but Emma Frost always seemed so sexy and dangerous to me when I was a kid. January Jones is not sexy. Forgive me for sounding pervy outside of our popular Perving Out column, but she just didn't have the ass for the White Queen.

3. And, hey, X-Men: First Class writers, it's 2011. You're sure you want to kill off one of the black X-Men and then have the other one turn evil? That's really how you want to play it?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed X-Men: First Class way more than Thor, but it didn't set my world on fire. What it did do though is finally push me to give the X-Men comics a chance. So far I've only read two compilations of something called The New X-Men, which I guess is a recent attempt to "hip up" the franchise or whatever, but it wasn't bad. I really want to get ahold of the older stuff, the stories that made my best friend in junior high such a fanboy. I'm finally ready to give these mutants a chance. Well, most of them. I don't care for this one called Maggot. He seems dumb and gross.

*I eventually watched Scrubs. I hated it.

**I bought their latest, but I haven't listened to it.

***They're actually both equally dumb.

5 Summer Movies We're Still on the Fence About

1. Star Trek (out now)

Pros: Director J.J. Abrams co-created my favorite television show (LOST) and produced one of my favorite movies of 2008 (Cloverfield); I also enjoyed Abrams' Mission: Impossible III.

Cons: The only thing I know about Star Trek is that I've never been able to do that Live Long and Prosper thing with my hands.
2. The Hangover (June 5)

Pros: Road Trip remains high on my list of favorite movie comedies; Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis never fail to make me laugh, often until it hurts.

Cons: Phillips' last film, School For Scoundrels, appeared to be the very antithesis of funny; the first trailer for The Hangover was not funny enough (I've since seen a second trailer and found it highly entertaining).
3. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (June 24)

Pros: Falling victim to the massive hype, I attended a screening of the first Transformers movie by myself one Sunday afternoon and, surprisingly, didn't completely hate it--so, maybe the same thing could happen with this one?  Maybe?

Cons: I was never really into the Transformers as a kid; the trailer is awful; I don't think I actually care at all about this movie, but the sequel-hype is already weakening my reserve--somebody help me, please, before I hurt myself.
4. Terminator Salvation (May 21)

Pros: Christian Bale (along with the brilliant vision of filmmaker Christopher Nolan) has rescued the Batman franchise from the pits of mediocrity; the trailer is not awful in the slightest.

Cons: I'm not really a "Terminator guy"; McG is kind of a douche, isn't he?

5. Year One (June 19)

Pros: Jack Black, Michael Cera, and Harold Ramis; I tend to enjoy comedies that poke fun at Old Testament times.

Cons: Trailer didn't really make me laugh very much; by June 19th, there will probably be a bunch of other films out that I want to see a lot more.

A Summer Blockbuster We Can Get Behind...

...mind you, not without protection.  Check out the trailer here.  Thanks again, Joel McHale. There's gonna be parrots here, y'all.

5 Movies We Couldn't Care Less About This Summer

1. Angels & Demons (May 15): Robert Langdon is back for another tussle with the Catholic church.  And this time he's got slightly better hair.  For those who saw The Da Vinci Code and thought, "OMG, I need more of that Dan Brown magic!" this one's for you.  For everyone else, take this opportunity to take the kids to the science museum or a petting zoo.

2. They Came From Upstairs (July 31): "From the producers of Alvin and the Chipmunks" was all it took to let me know that They Came From Upstairs was not the movie for me.  I am a bit of a masochist though, so I watched the trailer and have come to the conclusion that TCFU is, apparently, not for anyone.  It's kind of like Small Soldiers meets Critters meets Alvin and the Chipmunks.  In other words, it's kind of like a huge waste of time meets a colossal pile of crap.

Oh, Producers of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Doris Roberts performing Mortal Kombat-style fighting moves = not funny.  Blech! (Warning: Kung-fu Doris Roberts is NOT the worst thing on display in the following trailer)

3. Dance Flick (May 22): You will believe a creepy, purple, CGI fetus with attitude can dance.

Is there anything else I can say about this movie that the above photo doesn't make perfectly clear?  I didn't think so.  Pure dreck!
4. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July 1): There is something very confusing about that title. And that poster.  Ice Age?  Dawn of the Dinosaurs?  WHA...?????

Hang on.  I just read that Ice Age 3 involves our heroes (the mammoth, that lisping sloth, and Toothy) falling into an underground world full of dinosaurs.  Wait a second.  An underground world full of dinosaurs?  Oh, shit.  HUMANITY IS DOOMED!

5. World's Greatest Dad (August 21): At last: the superstar team-up nobody asked for.  Robin Williams stars in a film written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.  In the following exclusive scene (totally written by Bobcat Goldthwait remember), we discover that those who find the word "fag" to be the very height of edgy comedic expression are in for a real chuckle-worthy experience come August.

Don't save me a seat.  I'll be watching the one about Nazi-killin'.

7 Movies We Can't Wait to See This Summer

Last weekend's release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine officially ushered in the summer movie season and we here at Giant Electric Penguin are giddy with excitement over what the next four months hold in store.  Here now, in completely random order, are 7 summer movies we can't wait to see.
1. Inglorious Basterds (August 21): Quentin Tarantino's latest genre punch-up promises everything I ask for from a big summer blockbuster: war atrocities, Nazi-scalping, and Hitler. Throw in Brad Pitt, complete with mustache and drawl, and you've got yourself a blood-spurting good time.  The only thing I don't like is that I have to wait until the end of August to see it.

2. Whatever Works (June 19)
Larry David.  Woody Allen.  'Nuff said.  Check out the trailer here.

3. Ponyo (August 14): This summer brings another beautifully strange dream from master filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki, arguably one of the best filmmakers, well, ever.  Ponyo probably won't have as many children in tears as, say, 2001's Spirited Away (seriously, I witnessed a sobbing child being carried out of the theater by his mother), but it's sure to be cute, weird, a little dark, and a lot beautiful.  And here's an adorable Japanese girl performing the Ponyo theme song:

4. Moon (June 12):

The trailer for this "brainy and thoughtful" psychological sci-fi creep-out speaks for itself.  And who can resist Robo Spacey?  

5. Away We Go (June 5): My wife disagrees, but I think bearded John Krasinski is sexier than hell.  Look at him?  There's just something primal about a bearded man.  Look how virile he looks.  Like, I bet he knocked up Maya Rudolph's character just by looking at her.  A head cock, a stroke of the old beard, and a steely gaze.  Yep.  That'd do it.

6. District 9 (August 14)

Not only does this Peter Jackson-produced sci-fi thriller look all kinds of good, District 9 boasts the coolest movie poster I've seen in a long time.  Again, the trailer kind of speaks for itself. Reminds me a little of Cloverfield, one of the most original and best movies of 2008.  But enough of my jibber-jabber...check it out: 

7. Up (May 29): It'll be hard to ever top last year's insta-classic, Wall-e, but Pixar never fails to excite (well, except for in 2006 with Cars, which I still view as a colossal failure).  Up looks charming, if not a tad shallow.  But maybe that's what the next Pixar feature needs to be: colorful, loud, and dumb.  Hey, there's a lot to be said for colorful, loud, and dumb, you know, provided it isn't colorful, loud talking cars.  Now that's just a little too dumb.

'08 Summer Movie Report: Pineapple Express

Stoner comedies and buddy (be they cops or otherwise) action comedies are generally my two least favorite film genres, but when you squish them together, add a heavy dose of Apatow, and get a well-respected indie filmmaker to direct, you get one of the best comedies, hell, movies, of this summer.

Pineapple Express is everything you love about a Judd Apatow production (hilarious conversations about nothing, copious amounts of humorous swearing, Seth Rogen) with some gun fights and casual murder thrown in for flavor. James Franco reminds us why we loved him so much before Freaks and Geeks was ripped from our loving embrace and he starting popping up in tripe like Flyboys and Annapolis. Saul the drug dealer is one of the kindest, sweetest characters I've encountered at the movies in a long time. I just wanted to wrap him up in my jacket, sing him a lullaby, and rock him to sleep. Seth Rogen is also good (as usual) as Dale Denton, a pothead process server who dreams of being on the radio and is mistaken for an operative of the Chinese Mafia by a murderous, knife-wielding drug kingpin (Gary Cole) and his crooked lady-cop henchman (Rosie Perez). Hot Rod's Danny McBride is great as Saul's middleman, Red, whose positive attitude remains intact even after he's been shot in the stomach multiple times, and Craig Robinson (Daryl on The Office) is hilarious as one of Ted Jones' goons.

But my favorite performance, hands down, is given by Ed Begley Jr., who plays Dale's 18 year old girlfriend's father. He has one short scene at the dinner table and it is the funniest 3o seconds I've witnessed all year. You know, I'm actually on kind of an Ed Begley Jr. high right now. Did you see him on the latest episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job? Perfection.

Like Superbad before it, Pineapple Express is really a story about male friendship. I defy you to find a more heart-wrenching scene of male bonding then Saul and Dale's admission of love for each other while hiding from hitmen in a tree. Sure, they're super-wasted, but it's still a beautiful moment. Just try to resist Franco's gentle gaze. You can't do it!

So, I guess I'm a fan of the stoner-buddy action comedy genre, but I'm fairly certain no one will ever do it better than Pineapple Express, so this may be the only chance I ever get to say that.

GEP's Grade: A

'08 Summer Movie Report: The Dark Knight

First, I'd like to extend a heartfelt thanks to Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and Hellboy II. Thanks very much for your quality stories, amazing action sequences, and wonderful casts doing top-tier work. This summer's crop of comic book adaptations have been among some of the best comic book films on record. The Dark Knight, on the other hand, is simply one of the best films I've ever seen.
Chances are you've already seen Christopher Nolan's latest (I mean, did you see the numbers? Who didn't go see this thing last weekend?) and share my feelings. This film is epic, man! It's hard to figure out where to start, or if to start at all, because you really should see it for yourself. Right now if you can. Really. If you are at work right now, turn off your computer, pull up your pants, get in your car, and drive to your local cinema.

So, remember when Jack Nicholson played the Joker long, long ago? Well, forget that. I'm not saying Jack was no good, because his Joker terrified me as a young boy, but I'm no longer a young boy (though you wouldn't know that looking at the stacks of comic books surrounding our downstairs couch right now) and I need a Joker who entertains as well as makes it difficult for me to sleep without a night-light. My friends, Heath Ledger IS that Joker. Ledger loses himself in the role, a role that for many will be remembered as his crowning achievement. His trademark cackle is appropriately horrific, his love of diabolical schemes is entertainingly psychotic, and his Disappearing Pencil magic trick is not one I'd recommend for a child's birthday party. I've heard a lot of people say he steals the movie, and while I do agree his portrayal of Batman's greatest foe is one for the history books, there are a lot of other people in this film doing great work as well.

Like Christian Bale. I found it hard to take him seriously in Batman Begins at times, only because I was not prepared for his gruff way of speaking. I know, Batman is menacing and his voice needs to be appropriately gravely, but c'mon. It didn't bother me too much in the new film, until the end when he and Two-Face engaged in a Gruff Voice Off in a burned out warehouse.

Oh, yeah, Two-Face! I love Two-Face.

You must see this film. In fact, if you are still reading this, you obviously ignored me before and that kind of hurts me feelings. Now get going!

GEP's Grade: A

'08 Summer Movie Report: Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Attention, Wall-e detractors (i.e. Conservative Republican Nutballs), there's yet another movie at your local multiplex this summer to speak out against. Can you believe that Hellboy II insinuates that human greed is a major factor in the destruction of our environment? How dare Hollywood make such blatantly false statements! Not only that, Hellboy II expects you to have sympathy for a guy who looks a whole lot like the Devil. Hollywood truly is a land of tree-hugging, Jesus-hating, gay-marriage-approving heathens.
You know, I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there is a large group of individuals in this country that would denounce a movie because it contains a pro-Earth message. Really? I mean, what are conservative talk-show hosts and newspaper columnists telling us when they speak out against a movie like Wall-E? Why is it such a bad thing to remind mankind the responsibility we have to take care of the planet we call home?

That's why it's hard to completely despise Prince Nuada (seen above being strangled), the villian in this summer's Hellboy II. He is sick and tired of the human greed he sees in the modern world, the rampant consumption of resources which is threatening the very existence of his kind. While I do not support his decision to awaken an invincible army of mechanoid soldiers to eradicate all of mankind, I do think he should be given a few minutes on, like, Oprah or The Dr. Phil Show, to explain his side of the story. I would not suggest entering the No Spin Zone however--that douchebag never lets anyone else say a damn thing.

I'm sorry. This was supposed to be a review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army, the amazing new film from Guillermo del Toro, director of my favorite film of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, wasn't it? Hellboy II is a collection of amazing set-pieces, each filled to the brim with odd-looking beasties, each more amazing then the next. Del Toro's brain is a bottomless well of creativity and I get excited every time he puts out a new film (I can't wait for The Hobbit--OMG!).

This summer is clogged with movies about misunderstood superheroes (The Incredible Hulk, Hancock), but Hellboy remains the most interesting. In this film we learn more about his past and his future, which turns out is pretty grim for the human race. I welcome more Hellboy sequels, though I do need a little breather after the final sequence in which Hellboy and Company take on the hulking golden army of the title. That tuckered me out and I just sat on my fat ass the whole time.

I've enjoyed all the comic book films this summer has offered up so far. They've served as tasty appeitizers for the main course coming to theaters this weekend. But for this week, at least, make mine Hellboy.

GEP's grade: B+

'08 Summer Movie Report: Wall-e

I'm a sucker for two types of movies: father-and-son stories (In the Name of the Father, Finding Nemo) and misfit love stories (Amelie).  Pixar's latest masterpiece, Wall-e, is a beautiful example of the misfit love story, the misfits being two little robots from vastly different environments.  

Wall-e spends his days on an Earth no longer habitable for mankind.  No birds soar through the rust-colored skies and piles of trash stand tall alongside abandoned skyscrapers.  Wall-e, seemingly the last surviving robot of his kind, is responsible for these trash piles.  Accompanied by his only friend, a cockroach, Wall-e sifts through our forgotten garbage, saving various treasures for his growing collection.

On the other side of the universe, Eve, a probe robot, spends her days on the Axiom, humankind's current home.  A space cruise-liner, the Axiom offers a vast variety of liquified meals one can easily suck through a straw and hover-chairs that make it no longer necessary to walk.  The hover-chairs are also equipped with televisions making true human interaction obsolete.  As a result of these fancy futuristic luxuries, the human collective sport walrus-bodies which they keep squeezed into tight, red jumpsuits.

Wall-e meets Eve when she is sent to Earth to search for vegetation.  Apparently this has been going on for 700 years without a positive result.  Wall-e falls instantly in love, sharing with Eve his vast treasure trove of various odds and ends and introducing her to his favorite film, Hello Dolly, which he watches endlessly. Slowly but surely a love affair develops and that's when yours truly lost it.  Can't help it, dudes.  When I see two super-cute robots in love, forget about it--here come the waterworks.

Wall-e and Eve spend the bulk of the movie simply repeating each other's names, but the emotional punch behind these recitations is powerful. Pokemon beasties do the same thing, but who really gives a shit.

Wall-e is beautiful to look at as well.  From the post-apocalyptic, orange-tinted wasteland that Earth has become to the candy-colored outer reaches of space, Wall-e is your typical Pixar feast for the eyes.  The story of two robots in love is cute, but there is also an environmental message,  as well as a warning about mass consumerism.  And there's a live-action Fred Willard!

As I stated earlier, Wall-e is a masterpiece, hands down the best movie in theaters right now, and my early pick for best movie of the summer season (maybe of 2008?).  As we walked out of the theater, I turned to my wife and pondered, "Why can't all movies be Pixar movies?"  Sigh.

GEP's Grade: A+

Stop Already presents Try Harder!

Was anyone on the planet Earth surprised by The Love Guru's colossal failure at the box office last weekend? If you weren't, you've done a fabulous job convincing yourself that Mike Myers' formula of wacky-characters and poop-jokes is still relevant. Pat yourself on the back, sir or madam--you hate comedy.

Perez Hilton blamed Justin Timberlake, but I think that's letting Mr. Myers off way too easily. I blame Myers' outdated jokes as well as his failure to recognize that his comedy crown has been stolen by Everyman jokesters like Seth Rogen and Jason Segel, by films rooted in reality and not the audiences' willingness to tolerate a silly accent and comical facial hair for two hours.

Now to be fair, I haven't seen The Love Guru, and based on the lack of laughter emitted by my body during several painful viewings of the trailer, I doubt I will in the near future. I did rent Scary Movie 3 finding myself bored and desiring some 'easy laughs' one afternoon, so who knows. Also, I like Mike Myers. I think he can be really funny. The first Austin Powers movie was hilarious, it being the first important example of the now stone-dead Wacky Charcter-Based Comedy Feature. The sequels lacked the freshness of the original, but there were little bits here and there to cherish and enjoy. And people seem to like Shrek. But while Mike Myers was deep in his comedy laboratory perfecting his Guru Pitka character, the comedy-climate shifted. We witnessed the triumphant return of the R-rated comedy with films like Wedding Crashers and The 40 Year Old Virgin. We watched the rise of the mighty Judd Apatow and his cadre of stubbly-cheeked oddballs. Mike Myers apparently wasn't informed about any of this or maybe he just didn't care.

The thing is Mike Myers could be great again. He's very funny (dare I say brilliant?) and has a large fanbase, though very few of them, including myself, have given two shits about his output as of late. There are some actions he could take, paths he could stroll down, to earn back our trust, he just has to be willing.

1. Do something lowkey. I for one loved So I Married an Axe Murder, but as we all know it was a huge flop. But, hey, who cares? I mean, it was dark, strange, and, hell, you still got to play a wacky character (Charlie's very Scottish, Bay City Rollers loving father) and it wasn't annoying. Do not take your cues from fellow multiple-character playing has-been Eddie Murphy--scale down. Don't fill the next film to the brim with rubber-suited whackos.

2. Look to Adam Sandler. The Love Guru may make You Don't Mess with the Zohan look like a masterpiece of cinema, but let's face facts, it's a trainwreck as well. Sandler though will occasionally take dramatic roles, a choice that has paid off for him in some big ways. I was reminded how much I liked Sandler when I caught Spanglish on TBS last weekend. He's very likable, sweetly funny, and lowkey (don't cringe from that word, Michael--embrace it). Hey, everybody's doing it: Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell. You did 54 and people admired you for it. Now do that Keith Moon biopic people keep whispering about. I'll be the first in line. 3. No more skit movies. Waynes World worked and I actually enjoyed Waynes World 2, admired it for it's silliness, but instead of suing you for backing out of the Sprockets movie a couple of years ago, the studio should have sent you a fruit basket and a thank you note. We all love Deiter, sure, but we don't need to watch him dance and pet a monkey for an hour and a half. I mean, what's next, Coffee Talk: The Search for Paul Baldwin? Guru Pitka never appeared on SNL, but he could have. As a sketch he might have been funny once a month, otherwise, not so much.

Who am I though? Nobody. But I do believe in you, Mr. Myers, and I do want you to make America laugh again. Now get out there and

TRY HARDER!

'08 Summer Movie Report: The Incredible Hulk

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person on Earth who genuinely enjoyed Ang Lee's Hulk. Every once in awhile I'll meet someone who liked it's thoughtful take on Marvel's premiere lunkheaded tough-guy, but for the most part people seem outright disgusted by the film, disappointed to an alarming degree.  I haven't seen Ang's film in a long time, so before I can properly compare it to this latest incarnation I'll have to view it a second time, but I will say this about 2008's The Incredible Hulk: it's good--Iron Man good.

Take note, Mark Steven Johnson, movies about second-tier super-heroes don't have to suck. When you have a good screenplay, top-tier actors will agree to star in your film, therefore ensuring that people will gladly pay $9.00 to see your picture.  See how that works?  You got to give the people a heartfelt story to go along with those special-effects.

Edward Norton plays Bruce Banner, a brilliant scientist who shoots himself with some kind of green beam (gamma rays, presumably) and becomes an angry, green hulk.  After trashing his lab and injuring his girlfriend, Betty, played by Liv Tyler, he disappears, determined to master the beast within him or find a cure to make his transformations cease forever.  He is finally discovered in Brazil and the film takes off from there.  Norton is great as the conflicted Dr. Banner, Liv Tyler is strikingly beautiful to look at, and Tim Roth is at his scariest as the man who will in the end become Hulk's equal, Abomination.  Comic book fans will be happy to know that Abomination does NOT look like this in the film:

In some ways the Incredible Hulk is Marvel's answer to Superman.  He's invincible, he maintains a mild-mannered alter-ego, and he's got a cute girlfriend.  Superman, though, is insufferably boring, while the Hulk is quite an interesting, conflicted little fellow.  The Hulk in the early comic books comes to the aid of mankind, but repeatedly expresses his disgust with the puny humans he fights to protect.  Bruce Banner craves the power he feels as the Hulk, but also worries that he'll lose too much of himself in the process, making each decision to become the Hulk take on all kinds of meaning you can think about for yourself (this is a movie review after all).  Plus, a hulking green behemoth who smashes the crap out of every obstacle put in his way is ten times cooler than a nerdy space-alien in blue tights.

GEP's Grade: B+

'08 Summer Movie Report: You Don't Mess with the Zohan

You Don't Mess with the Zohan could have been the best thing to happen to summer since rocket pops, but it's actually only slightly more fun that an ice cream headache--and yet, it's not quite a sun stroke. Adam Sandler is an Israeli super spy who fakes his death and moves to New York to become a hairdresser. There's also an evil corporate plot to turn an old neighborhood into a mall. Oh, and there's a love interest. That should be all you need to know to determine whether or not you want to see this movie. But wait, there's more! Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel get co-writing credits. Sort of complicates things, right? Well, not really.

The one thing YDMWTZ has going for it is that it's profoundly silly. In the opening sequence we see Zohan catch a hacky sack in his butt, catch a fish in his butt, grill a manta ray, and high five a pelican. We also see his butt. Several times. We later see him swim like a dolphin, kill a man with his dismembered hand, and pee on a cat. His father abruptly dips his glasses into hummus. When we first meet the villain (John Turturro as a sort of super-terrorist), he's walking on the ceiling for no discernible reason. Like I said, this is a silly, silly film. Unfortunately, the silliness mostly disappears after the first 20 minutes or so and is replaced with…well…nothing. We get a lame love interest, a stupid extended granny-fucking sequence, and several un-funny cameos. In other words, Zohan turns into every other Adam Sandler film from the past 10 years. When the silliness returns, it's too little and far too late. Apatow and Smigel's presence is felt, and appreciated, in the unabashed weirdness of the first 20 minutes, but where the fuck does it go? A 90-minute extension of the pelican-slapping opening sequence would have been genuine summer fun, but what we actually get is an ice cream headache. Did I mention that already? I didn't like the movie.

Grade: D

'08 Summer Movie Report: Sex and the City

Okay, I will admit to getting swept up in the hype. All of the interviews, ads, and film buzz made me reminisce about the days of old when I would sit with my roommates and watch Sex and the City. I thought to myself, hey, wouldn’t it be great if I got a group of my lady friends together to bond over the movie and then have some delicious dessert from The Cheesecake Factory???

Well, the cheesecake was good. I had chocolate raspberry truffle, thanks for asking! The movie – not so good. In true List Lady fashion, here is the rundown in list form:

1. What happened to the character traits that made these characters unique and so relatable? How can Samantha go the entire movie having sex with only one man? Why is Big nice? Why is Carrie a screaming, squealing little girl? Why do we have to know Big’s real name? Sigh…I think they lost sight of what made the show great – characters who have problems like us and act like us. Who hasn’t dated an asshole like Big? We all know, from our own experiences that these men do not change overnight. They don’t all of a sudden become the most loving, caring, perfect man. This is what fuels women’s myths of relationships and men. This is why we get pissed when our man doesn’t come groveling back to us and treat us like a princess. Instead, they may come back, but sooner or later they’ll return to their some old asshole ways. I guess Big sorta, kinda reverted, but only for 5 minutes or so. Love letters, really?
2. Product placement. Now, don’t think that I was naïve going into this. I knew the Sex and the City movie would be one huge commercial for shoes, fashion, and Apple. But, c’mon, did we really need a 5 minute fashion designer montage in the middle? At least in the show, it was less in your face. If anything, it was more of a way to separate the fashion gods from the clods. It wasn’t so much of, “Here are the ‘in’ things – make sure you know where to get them so you too can be cool.” The show had a much more natural way incorporating this consumer CRAP into the movie in such a way where you felt dumb because you didn’t necessarily know how to spell Manolo Blahnik (‘cuz the boxes weren’t always perfectly placed for the camera!).

3. It was too contrived. In the series, things felt more natural. They would go out to lunch, and then they’d move on with their everyday lives. In the movie, it just jumped from meal to meal to reunion to meal to reunion to etc….give me a break!!! Ugh. It was so ridiculous. If they would have cut out some of the stupid, unnecessary conversations and screaming moments and added more substance, the movie would have been a lot more tolerable.

That’s just the big three. Overall, I felt it lacked the charm of the show. It was thrown together to give women what they think they want, but the writers forgot what really and truly worked the best. The filmmakers tried too hard to make sure that everyone had comparable screen time which made for a lot of unnecessary scenes. I thought that Carrie was really the flattest of the four; the one who was most different from her sassy, independent self from the series, and that was the most disappointing aspect of the movie.

GEP's Grade: C-

'08 Summer Movie Report: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

First of all, let's get one thing out of the way: there will never be an Indiana Jones movie better than Raiders of the Lost Ark. Everyone knows this already, so let this be the last time we discuss it here or anywhere else. Agreed? Let's move on.

While probably the fourth best of the series, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull still proves that Indiana Jones can kick ass even at the ripe old age of 83. He still looks good in the jacket and iconic fedora and is still pretty mean with a whip.

Area 51 and El Dorado (The Lost City of Gold) factor into this latest adventure and while it drags at times (particular in the beginning and parts of middle), I still found myself thoroughly entertained. I mean, it's an Indiana Jones movie, for God's sake. If you like Indiana Jones you'll totally be into it (I mean, hell, who cares that there are CGI monkeys, Indiana Jones is back on the big screen, people!) and if you don't, then you have no soul, sir. CGI monkeys aside, what you do get for your nine dollars-a motorcycle chase that ends in a library, a battle royale in the rain forest, an encounter with some nasty flesh-eating ants, yet another ancient temple full of booby traps and a freaky, forgotten tribe--is amazing. Along with Harrison Ford, Karen Allen returns as Marion Ravenwood, Indy's on-again, off-again old-lady and mother of his underachieving son, Mutt Williams, played by Shia LaBeouf with a pompadour. Cate Blanchett plays the villain, a wannabe-psychic, sword-brandishing Commie desperate to reach the lost city before our heroes.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a good, old-fashioned romp and while nowhere near as good as the series earlier entries (even the much unfairly maligned Temple of Doom), it still excites and bewilders.

GEP's Grade: B-

The Summer of Horrible Comedies: GEP's Summer Comedy Preview

That's right, friends, I have perhaps hastily dubbed this summer's comedy season "The Summer of Horrible comedies." Am I being fair? Oh, I don't know. Seems like every summer has its share of Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy and--what, no Robin Williams this year? Shit. Maybe I am wrong. I guess I'll have to take a closer look.

As far as I'm concerned, this year's summer comedy season starts on June 6th with the release of Kung Fu Panda and You Don't Mess with the Zohan . Yes, some comedies have already been released this year, most notably Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Baby Mama, and Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, but these movies get a pass because they were either good or featured Neil Patrick Harris, and summer doesn't officially start until June anyway. Also, Sex and the City is not a comedy.

Here we go:

June 6

Kung Fu Panda: Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, and Jackie Chan (for some reason) do some animal voices. Jack Black is a lazy panda. Blah Blah Blah.

Why it'll probably suck: Well, it might not. Jack Black's panda seems charming enough, and the animation looks good. It doesn't look as annoying as Shark Tail or Shrek the Third. Then again, I can't think of a Dreamworks animated film I've actually liked. This doesn't really bode well for the Summer of Suck. Can I call it that now?

You Don't Mess With the Zohan: Adam Sandler is an unconvincing assassin who fakes his death so he can become an unconvincing hair stylist. Fake accents abound. Rob Schneider looks like he has a fake nose and is in what one might describe as "brown face."



Why It'll probably suck: This one's gonna be easy. Let me just look up who wrote this ridiculous--shit. Robert Smigel? Judd Apatow? What's going on here? Actual funny people wrote this thing? Well, I guess it might actually have its moments. I can say that I didn't see one thing in the trailer I thought was funny. I like Adam Sandler fine, and I love Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel, but this still looks like garbage. Prove me wrong, Zohan!

June 20

Get Smart: Steve Carell? Alan Arkin? Hiro from Heroes? The Rock? They go on some adventures and remake an old TV show.

Why it'll probably suck: Peter Segel, director of The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps and 50 First Dates isn't completely clueless, but his presence doesn't exactly inspire confidence. The biggest clue, however, that this one comes up short is the scene in the trailer where the lady's on the phone and her kid's trying to get her attention by saying, "Mom! Mom!" and she goes, "Shawn, Shawn, Shawn! See how annoying that is." That's the scene that kills it for me. Movie moms should encourage their young children, not mock them. They also should be super horny.

The Love Guru: Another fake nose and some weird visual effects. I guess you can call this is a cross between Zohan and Kung Fu Panda. Oh, and Mike Myers. I won't see this film.

Why it'll probably suck: This movie is guaranteed to suck. It's also guaranteed to make billions of dollars. So guaranteed, in fact, that it's opening on the same day as Steve Carell: The Movie. Look, I don't hate Mike Myers. He seems like a nice guy and he really is a funny person. I just hate the idea that just because he comes up with some crazy character that Oprah will love and will make a lot of people a lot of money they have to make a movie out of it. Is there something wrong with me? Can't Mike Myers just have a funny little possibly racist character that he does at dinner parties for his friends? Does he really need another hour of Oprah couch time, shyly accepting her expert fellatio while cracking jokes in an Indian accent in front of hundreds of screaming MILFs? I guess if millions of people told me my annoying movies were hilarious, I'd make more of 'em too, but I'm still not going to watch this movie.

July 2

Hancock: Will Smith is a superhero who can't stop boozing it up long enough to actually be a hero. He probably falls in love or something too.

Why it'll probably suck: This one's billed as an Action/Adventure, Drama and Romance, but the trailer is filled with jokes--dark, disturbing jokes. Will Smith smacks a little girl to the moon--literally to the moon. He throws a whale into a boat. He insults children. He jerks off atop a building and accidentally shoots down a traffic helicopter. He puts a man's head in another man's ass. He watches YouTube. You get the idea. It looks awesome.

July 3

The Wackiness-- "It's the summer of 1994, and the streets of New York are pulsing with hip-hop. Set against this backdrop"…Josh Peck gets laid!

Why it'll probably suck: At first I thought this was the new name for Drake and Josh in New York!, but it's not. Josh is skinny. Drake is missing. How can it not suck?

July 11

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D: Another one of those "I can't don't know English right!" titles like Borat: Cultural Learning of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theater, but this one stars Brendan Frasier as, well, some guy who goes to the center of the Earth, which is pretty much an excuse for him to encounter just about every kind of action movie cliché you can imagine.

Why it'll probably suck: I honestly thought this was the 3rd Mummy movie that I'd been hearing about, but I was wrong. This is a Walden media joint (the weirdoes who brought you The Lord of the Narnia movies), and it screams family entertainment. 'Nuff said.

Meet Dave: From the producer of Wild Hogs, director of Good Burger and creator of All That, comes a movie about little people living inside Eddie Murphy's head.

Why it'll probably suck: This is about as high concept as a comedy can get. "Imagine Eddie Murphy living inside Eddie Murphy's head! It writes itself!" That's just it. Nobody writes it, allowing Eddie Murphy to run wild making up silly "I don't understand the world!" dances and handshakes, talking like a robot, and letting tiny CGI renditions of himself crawl into his various orifices. This is Eddie Murphy at his Robin Williams-est. Be afraid.

July 18

Space Chimps: Talking monkeys! Dancing scientists! Singing monkey! Someone involved with Shrek! Space!

Why it'll probably suck: Same as Kung Fu Panda. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Probably OK for kids.

And that wraps up the first half of the Summer Comedy Preview. Join us next time when we'll explore Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express, and The Happening.

'08 Summer Movie Report: Speed Racer

While you were at home on the edge of your couch frothing at the mouth to see which David would become our next American Idol (yawn!), me and fellow GEP contributor, Jonathan Cook, headed to our local multiplex to check out the Wachowski Brother's box office failure Speed Racer. With a little tweaking and a major time decrease, this strikingly beautiful-to-look-at picture could've been the film to beat this summer (which Jonathan has dubbed "The Summer of Horrible Comedies").

Visually this is the most stunning film I've seen in a long time--it's bright, candy-colored, and popping with energy. The races are thrilling and the various cars are amazing, full of hidden weaponry and such. The problem here is the plot, in the sense that there is waaaaaaaaay too much of it. The PG-rated film is aimed at families with small children and the Wachowski's script shows just how little they know about small children. I might be wrong, but I'm not sure kids are really that interested in shady corporate dealings. There are monologues so lengthy and convoluted that even I had a hard time following the story. There was something about stocks (kids love stocks!), some stuff about the evils of selling out to the Man (kid's especially love parables about selling out!!!), and new, pointless characters introduced every couple of minutes. Thankfully these boring moments are intercut with the antics of Spritle and Chim-Chim, Speed's little brother and Speed's little brother's pet chimp, respectively. Once these antics grow stale (and that does not take long, dear reader), any moments spent away from the track make one more nauseous than the frantic racing scenes themselves.

The cast, for the most part, is spot on. Christina Ricci is a delight as Speed's sexy live-in girlfriend, Trixie. In fact, she's a little too sexy. Speed and Trixie's sexually charged Mach 5 chat at Inspiration Point would make me squirm had I been surrounded by small children. Plus, Trixie looks an awful lot like Speed's mom played by Susan Sarandon, which brings a tinge of creepiness to her scenes with Speed. John Goodman is appropriately fat as Pops Racer, Kick Gurry's Sparky the Mechanic is appropriately useless in ninja fights, and Pauli Litt achieves maximum annoying in his portrayal of Spritle Racer, arguably the most irritating cartoon character in the history of animation. Matthew Fox is quite good as the super-cool Racer X, though he does have an odd, clipped way of speaking. Perhaps his mask is on too tight? Emile Hirsch makes an OK Speed Racer, though the child-actor playing Young Speed, an ADD addled scholastic underachiever, is dead-behind-the-eyes terrible. It just wouldn't be a GEP movie review unless we viciously insulted an innocent child.

When the trailer first appeared a couple of months back, Jonathan and I had opposite feelings about Speed Racer--as a fan of the original cartoon, I thought it looked neat; Jonathan thought lame. Somewhere in hour two of the film (oh yeah, Speed Racer, a movie for children, is over two hours long! WTF?), Jonathan admitted that what made him hate the trailer, primarily the seizure-inducing cross-country races, was exactly what he loved about the movie. I couldn't agree more. While in no way perfect, Speed Racer is a must for fans of visual effects and plain old coolness.

GEP's Grade: C+