All Outta Chances

I realize this is the season of second chances, but you've got to draw the line somewhere. I mean, how many chances does Pixar's Cars franchise deserve before it is socially acceptable to thow up my hands and ask, "What about this am I supposed to like?" How many times must one man be burned by a clunky, cliche-ridden James Cameron script before he spends his hard-earned ten dollars on something worthwhile, like a meal for a sad homeless man or two bags of beef jerky for himself? As far as I'm concerned, there are some things/people in this world that are all outta chances with me. Here are five of them:

1. Cantaloupe

The first time I tried cantaloupe--visiting my maternal grandmother in Dundalk, MD--I could barely choke it down. I ate a single chunk and expressed my extereme distaste for it through a series of facial grimaces and puke noises. I may have moaned something like, "Ugh, this is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth so far." My mother explained to me that humankind was often at the mercy of "bad melons." Apparently, there is no way of telling when one has purchased a "bad melon" until one has purchased said melon, sliced it up, and taken a bite. Knowing this, but waiting several years before having another go, I once again sampled a bit of cantaloupe and--surprise, surprise--it was every bit as horrid as the first. I believed then, as I do now, that there is no such thing as a "good" cantaloupe. They are all either "bad" or just cantaloupe. Sorry, cantaloupe, but you are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre I've given Tobe Hooper's 1974 film about a family of weirdo cannibals living, loving, and slaughtering wayward travelers in the Lone Star State THREE chances and I still abhor it. In fact, after each viewing I find myself hating this ugly little film a little bit more. Am I bummed about this fact? Sorta. I mean, I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of the horror genre, and as such, I understand that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a classic, I just can't get into it. Maybe it's the creepy reality feel of it. There are parts of the film that seem almost documentary in style, and while that gives the film its peculiar power, it also gives me a sick, sad ache in the pit of my stomach. On that level, I guess Massacre has had the desire effect on me. I have, however, discovered a film that provides the same queasy feeling I get from Massacre, but is infintely more entertaining called Tourist Trap, which I like to refer as "my Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Sorry, Leatherface, but you are officially ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!! (Matt Fun Fact: I have only once referred to Tourist Trap as "my Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and that was right now in this article.)

3. "Adam Sandler" Movies I have been accused on several occasions of being a "movie snob." I am willing to accept this label, but let me be perfectly clear: Billy Madison remains to this very day--nay, this very minute!--one of my all-time favorite film comedies. The silly standard set by Madison guaranteed that I would be in attendance at every "Adam Sandler" movie throughout the mid- and late-90's. Shockingly enough, The Waterboy was not the film that killed "Adam Sandler" movies for me. It was, in fact, 1999's Big Daddy that finally forced me to take stock of my movie-going ways. I remember sitting in the theater on opening night, surrounded by a sea of braying fellow Sandler fans, thinking "This isn't funny. Why is everybody laughing? What am I missing here?" I decided that night that I had officially ceased to be the audience for Mr. Sandler's signature brand of lazy goofiness. I'll admit that I did watch the follow-up to Big Daddy, Little Nicky, but it was years after the fact and I borrowed the DVD from a friend. I may have also seen large portions of Mr. Deeds on TV, but that doesn't count. Here is a quick list of the Sandler films post-Little Nicky that I successfully avoided and never plan to watch: Anger Management, 50 First Dates, Click, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Regular readers of the blog know that in 2008, against our better judgement, me and my friend Jonathan paid to see You Don't Mess with the Zohan. I don't remember why we did this. I think it had something to do with Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow's involvement. It couldn't be all bad if those two agreed to be a part of the thing, right? Sadly, Sandler had burned me again. Things had not gotten better since Big Daddy, they had gotten far more dire than I could have ever imagined. And what's on the way from Sandler: Jack and Jill, the film in which Adam Sandler plays twins, one of which is a woman. Ugh. Jack and Jill alone guarantees that "Adam Sandler" Movies, at least in my life, are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!

4. Sea Urchin Sushi

I mean, look at it! They look like little orange tongues. Gross! ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!

5. Michael Bay

I haven't been burned Adam Sandler-style by the films of Michael Bay, simply because I've never been a fan of Michael Bay. I have seen exactly three of his movies, including the one I was promised was better than his usual output (It was The Rock. It sucked.). The first Bay film I was forced to suffer through was The Island. At the time, I was dating a girl who had the absolute worst taste in filmed entertainment. Regular readers of this blog will remember her as the girl who got mad when I revealed the ending of Hitchcock's Psycho one evening. Anyway, I saw The Island and I hated its guts. Next, the aforementioned The Rock. Blech! Finally, in 2007, I took in a matinee of Transformers. It was there, in that mostly-empty theater, Bay's fate was sealed. Sorry, Bay, but you and your dumb transforming space robots are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!

(Yeah, that's right, June, July, and August have joined forces and been dubbed THE SUMMER OF 1ST, 2ND & 3RD CHANCES! DEAL WITH IT!!!)

X-Men: 3rd Chance

1st Chance: When I was in middle school, it was Marvel or nothing. And as far as super heroes went, they didn't come any better than Spider-Man. I still enjoy a good Spider-Man yarn when I stumble across one, but lately my tastes have shifted to Frank Miller-era Daredevil stories and any Batman graphic novels I can get my hands on at the local library. I've recently dabbled in Captain America, and I've tried some old Chris Claremont Wolverine comics, but they are verrrrry hit or miss. And then, last week, I was visited by a random thought: "Hey, Matt, maybe it's time to give the X-Men a second chance. You have to admit you didn't give them a fair shake back in the day." Let me explain.

The thought itself probably wasn't all that random, if I'm being honest. There is a new X-Men movie currently playing in theaters all over the country. However, I was never an X-Men fan. My best friend was. At the time--the Jim Lee-era, I'll call it--it seemed like everybody was, which is probably why I rebelled and threw my metaphorical hat into Spider-Man's ring. And, yes I realize how dumb that sounds considering Spider-Man is one of most beloved comic book super heroes in the world, second only to Batman probably. See, I have this thing in me that won't let me embrace something if everyone around me loves it. It's a dumb thing, but there it is. I usually come around, but I have to do so on my own terms. It's the reason I refused to watch Scrubs,* ignored the New Pornographers,** and preached the superiority of Cracked over MAD.*** I should've loved X-Men--all those cool, bizzaro mutants--but I shunned them, unfairly, much like the distrustful non-mutant characters on the pages of X-Men itself.

2nd Chance: The idea of an X-Men movie probably sent legions of neck-bearded mouth-breathers into nerdy hysterics in 2000. I would experience my own nerdgasm moment four years later with the release of Spider-Man 2 (I didn't care for 2002's Spider-Man, though upon a second viewing a few years later...well, perhaps that story is best left for a future post). When Bryan Singer's X-Men movie arrived though, I couldn't have cared less. I liked Wolverine (who didn't?) and I thought Gambit was pretty cool (though not so cool I felt the need to whine and shake my nerdy fists at the heavens when it was announced he would not make an appearance), but I wasn't counting down the days until its release or anything. I saw it. It was OK. I saw X2 three years later. It was fine. Couldn't tell you anything that happened, but it was fine. Saw The Last Stand three more years later. Thought it was all right. Didn't get why some people absolutely hated it. So, Brett Ratner directed. Weren't there more important things to worry about? Weren't we still searching for Bin Laden at this point? And swine flu? Was swine flu a thing then? Whatever. The X-Men movies were fine, summer distractions, but they did not ignite a desire within me to seek out the X-Men comics I had ignored as a boy. I still liked Wolverine and that was enough for me.
3rd Chance: So, last week I saw this X-Men: First Class movie. Here are the things I liked:

1. I liked that it was set in the 1960's and that it incorporated an actual historic event, the Cuban Missile Crisis (Is that 'spoiler alert' worthy? Probably not. I think that's common knowledge going in.). I like things that take real events and inject them with the fantastical (i.e. Inglourious Basterds; Susanna Clark's Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell).

2. I enjoyed James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Professor X and Magneto respectively.

3. I'm a big fan of Matthew Vaughn's films Layer Cake and Kick-Ass. He's a good director. He did a nice job.

Here are a few things I didn't like so much:

1. I liked the sweeping nature of the story, but it sure took a long time to form anything resembling a story. I get it. It's a reboot, a do-over, we're gonna get the origin stories, but the first thirty minutes or so just sort of meandered. All that wandering around grew tiresome.

2. January Jones is awful. I've never seen Mad Men, so I don't know, but is that, like, what she does? Is that her thing? She just seemed kind of bored. And she's attractive and all, but Emma Frost always seemed so sexy and dangerous to me when I was a kid. January Jones is not sexy. Forgive me for sounding pervy outside of our popular Perving Out column, but she just didn't have the ass for the White Queen.

3. And, hey, X-Men: First Class writers, it's 2011. You're sure you want to kill off one of the black X-Men and then have the other one turn evil? That's really how you want to play it?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed X-Men: First Class way more than Thor, but it didn't set my world on fire. What it did do though is finally push me to give the X-Men comics a chance. So far I've only read two compilations of something called The New X-Men, which I guess is a recent attempt to "hip up" the franchise or whatever, but it wasn't bad. I really want to get ahold of the older stuff, the stories that made my best friend in junior high such a fanboy. I'm finally ready to give these mutants a chance. Well, most of them. I don't care for this one called Maggot. He seems dumb and gross.

*I eventually watched Scrubs. I hated it.

**I bought their latest, but I haven't listened to it.

***They're actually both equally dumb.

June Theme Announcement

How's that old saying go? "You never get a second chance to make a first impression?" Well, this month ya do, because June is officially the...

MONTH OF 1ST, 2ND & 3RD CHANCES!