1. Cantaloupe
The first time I tried cantaloupe--visiting my maternal grandmother in Dundalk, MD--I could barely choke it down. I ate a single chunk and expressed my extereme distaste for it through a series of facial grimaces and puke noises. I may have moaned something like, "Ugh, this is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth so far." My mother explained to me that humankind was often at the mercy of "bad melons." Apparently, there is no way of telling when one has purchased a "bad melon" until one has purchased said melon, sliced it up, and taken a bite. Knowing this, but waiting several years before having another go, I once again sampled a bit of cantaloupe and--surprise, surprise--it was every bit as horrid as the first. I believed then, as I do now, that there is no such thing as a "good" cantaloupe. They are all either "bad" or just cantaloupe. Sorry, cantaloupe, but you are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!
2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've given Tobe Hooper's 1974 film about a family of weirdo cannibals living, loving, and slaughtering wayward travelers in the Lone Star State THREE chances and I still abhor it. In fact, after each viewing I find myself hating this ugly little film a little bit more. Am I bummed about this fact? Sorta. I mean, I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of the horror genre, and as such, I understand that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a classic, I just can't get into it. Maybe it's the creepy reality feel of it. There are parts of the film that seem almost documentary in style, and while that gives the film its peculiar power, it also gives me a sick, sad ache in the pit of my stomach. On that level, I guess Massacre has had the desire effect on me. I have, however, discovered a film that provides the same queasy feeling I get from Massacre, but is infintely more entertaining called Tourist Trap, which I like to refer as "my Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Sorry, Leatherface, but you are officially ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!! (Matt Fun Fact: I have only once referred to Tourist Trap as "my Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and that was right now in this article.)
3. "Adam Sandler" Movies
I have been accused on several occasions of being a "movie snob." I am willing to accept this label, but let me be perfectly clear: Billy Madison remains to this very day--nay, this very minute!--one of my all-time favorite film comedies. The silly standard set by Madison guaranteed that I would be in attendance at every "Adam Sandler" movie throughout the mid- and late-90's. Shockingly enough, The Waterboy was not the film that killed "Adam Sandler" movies for me. It was, in fact, 1999's Big Daddy that finally forced me to take stock of my movie-going ways. I remember sitting in the theater on opening night, surrounded by a sea of braying fellow Sandler fans, thinking "This isn't funny. Why is everybody laughing? What am I missing here?" I decided that night that I had officially ceased to be the audience for Mr. Sandler's signature brand of lazy goofiness. I'll admit that I did watch the follow-up to Big Daddy, Little Nicky, but it was years after the fact and I borrowed the DVD from a friend. I may have also seen large portions of Mr. Deeds on TV, but that doesn't count. Here is a quick list of the Sandler films post-Little Nicky that I successfully avoided and never plan to watch: Anger Management, 50 First Dates, Click, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
Regular readers of the blog know that in 2008, against our better judgement, me and my friend Jonathan paid to see You Don't Mess with the Zohan. I don't remember why we did this. I think it had something to do with Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow's involvement. It couldn't be all bad if those two agreed to be a part of the thing, right? Sadly, Sandler had burned me again. Things had not gotten better since Big Daddy, they had gotten far more dire than I could have ever imagined. And what's on the way from Sandler: Jack and Jill, the film in which Adam Sandler plays twins, one of which is a woman. Ugh. Jack and Jill alone guarantees that "Adam Sandler" Movies, at least in my life, are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!
4. Sea Urchin Sushi
I mean, look at it! They look like little orange tongues. Gross! ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!5. Michael Bay
I haven't been burned Adam Sandler-style by the films of Michael Bay, simply because I've never been a fan of Michael Bay. I have seen exactly three of his movies, including the one I was promised was better than his usual output (It was The Rock. It sucked.). The first Bay film I was forced to suffer through was The Island. At the time, I was dating a girl who had the absolute worst taste in filmed entertainment. Regular readers of this blog will remember her as the girl who got mad when I revealed the ending of Hitchcock's Psycho one evening. Anyway, I saw The Island and I hated its guts. Next, the aforementioned The Rock. Blech! Finally, in 2007, I took in a matinee of Transformers. It was there, in that mostly-empty theater, Bay's fate was sealed. Sorry, Bay, but you and your dumb transforming space robots are ALL OUTTA CHANCES!!!(Yeah, that's right, June, July, and August have joined forces and been dubbed THE SUMMER OF 1ST, 2ND & 3RD CHANCES! DEAL WITH IT!!!)
