Gifts for Weirdos: Doll Baby Versions of Your Favorite "Celebrities"

You may recall that a couple of Sundays ago we told you about the Kate Middleton doll (Didja order yours yet? Huh? Didja? Didja?). This opened an entire--dare I say it--Pandora's box of horrifying doll discoveries. Our very own List Lady found what may be the most disturbing new trend in collectible porcelain horrors: baby versions of popular celebrities. Warning, these dolls are for super fans only, because how can you truly call yourself a fan of somebody unless you have an infant version of him or her imprisoned in the curio cabinet in your dining room or lining the walls of your guest room--the guest room your grandkids sleep in when they spend the weekend?


1. Marie Osmond (singer/failed talk show co-host/Mormon)


2. Margaret Cho (gay-friendly stand-up comedian/sitcom semi-star)


3. Joan Rivers (pioneering lady comic/reality TV star/reanimated skeleton)


4. Bret Michaels (rock-n-roll front man/reality TV star/bald guy)


5. Peter Criss (drummer/the guy in KISS who got last choice when picking a stage persona)


6. Louie Anderson (comedian/writer/voice actor/clumsy buffet patron/possible sex pervert)

Best of 2010: List Lady Edition

End of year apologies from everyone’s favorite List Lady –

I’ll cut to the chase. List Lady dropped the ball this year. Promises were made and broken. Very few lists got posted. I had good intentions – does that count for anything?

(Insert excuses) – it’s been a busy year – finished grad school, got a real job again, spent many evenings going to sleep before 8pm…this list is even lame!

(Insert awesome end of year list to make up for lack of 2010 lists)-

List Lady’s favorite things – don’t look under your chairs for any of these items – sorry.

(in no particular order)

1. Breakfast foods. Eggos. PopTarts. Bagels. Cap’n Crunch. Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal. All of these wonderful superfoods have become staples for LL. We hit a bit of a rough patch along the cooking road, and these tasty delights make for not only delicious breakfasts, but also wonderfully healthy lunches and dinners. (Yes, you can feel a bit sorry for Matt at this point.)

2. Track Out. With my new job, I follow the year round school schedule. For me, this means that I get random weeks off throughout the school year. THIS IS AWESOME!

3. Glee. I think this may technically fall under a 2009 favorite thing, but it really took off in the Lawson abode in 2010. Yes, I have the CDs and the DVDs and the theme for Firefox, okay? It’s a really good show, and the haters need to back off. I absolutely plan to force feed it to any and all of my future children.

4. Babies. Matt and I are surrounded by babies – infants, toddlers, middle schoolers. It’s been a fun year of seeing our friends and family become parents and watching those precious pies grow up. 2011 is looking pretty promising, too.

5. (*NOTE: I think I maxed out at 4, but I feel obliged to do one more to satisfy Matt’s love of odd numbers.) London. Not much to say – check out the FB pics. We had a blast. I’d love to go back. Actually, I’d love to go anywhere for vacation right now.

(Insert best gift ever) – to further make up for my slacking this year (remember my attempt at weekly lists regarding Sister Wives?), I present Matt with the best New Year’s present EVER – his own gaggle of Sister Wives (photo courtesy of one very talented brother-in-law):

1. Ms. Jay Alexander – everyone needs a stylist to help them look FABulous.

2. Tina Fey – she’s funny, she’s cute, she’s been a judge on Iron Chef America – need I say more?

3. Snookers – who else could provide him with the zoo of animal slippers that he so desires?

4. Emma Pillsbury – the house will forever more be spotless.

5. Ina Garten – Tina Fey loves her (okay, Liz Lemon loves her, but they’re totes the same, right?), and Ina would NEVER serve premade frozen breakfast foods to Matt for dinner.

Matt, enjoy the extra wives! I don’t want to hear that you “…can’t live like this anymore! I’m not like Jeffrey Garten. I’m not as strong as that guy!” I need this sister wife thing to work out.

(Insert resolution) – List Lady promises to make big changes (and big announcements) in 2011.

List Lady: Sister Wives (Episode 2)

List Lady, or should I say Pissed Lady, was sitting downstairs on this lovely fall afternoon with a box full of Zaxby's ready to watch polygamists. I turned on the TV and the cable box, list the DVRed shows, and what do I find?? No Sister Wives - 18 episodes of Fringe, but no freakin' Sister Wives. Even though I do have more time to watch TV, I watch nowhere nearly as much TV as Mr. List Lady does. All I ask is for my one or two shows to stay on the DVR and NOT get erased; obviously, that's too much to ask.

So, instead of a Sister Wives-inspired list, here is my list:

Top 5 things I hate

1. DVR control freaks - people who monitor the DVR endlessly and obsess over how much space a show takes up. Just set it on the non-HD channel - I don't really need to see Kody in HD!

2. Excessive movie collections - what's the point?

3. Laundry rooms full of pointless crap - do we really need five totes full video tapes containing home-recorded Simpsons episodes?

4. The phrase "rewired"

5. Cell phones that don't cooperate

Hopefully, the technical difficulties will be resolved before next week's miraculous episode which features the birth of Truely.

New TV Time: Sister Wives

Guess who’s back? List Lady’s back! After many long semesters of graduate classes and unpaid internships, I return to the world of television…oh, how I’ve missed you, sweet, sweet TV!

It really took me a while to figure out what show I could bring me out of retirement on GEP. Glee? Too cliché (and I love it too much, meaning I only have good things to say). ANTM? Too boring and too much Tyra. The Office? Too old. Running Wilde? Too close to being cancelled at any point in time. Kate plus Eight? Too much Kate, not enough Ed Hardy wearing douchbaggery. But, that did get me thinking about the new TLC fall lineup, where I found this gem of a show, Sister Wives.

Going into this show, I had no idea what the topic of the list would be. I figured I’d hate it. I’d hate the people – I mean, come on, who wouldn’t hate someone who names their children: Aspyn, Mykelti, Paedon, Gwendlyn, Ysabel, and Truly ( there should be an “e” in Truly, but Word thinks it’s smarter than sister wife, Christine). I’d hate the polygamy. I’d hate the hairstyles (I was assuming they would be Duggar-esque).

So, my list topic for the first episode surprised even myself – Reasons why the Browns are more normal than the Duggars.

1. They are fundamentalist Mormons, but they still live in the modern-day real world. They use cell phones and text. They send their children to school…albeit, a school for children of polygamists, but can you blame them for not wanting to send them to public school with 3 moms? Try explaining why your homework is signed by a different person each night!

2. They have hairstyles that are not from the mid 90s.

3. The women are encouraged and expected to have real aspirations and lives outside of family and babies. Janelle (the 2nd wife) likes to work outside the home more than being home with the kids all day. It’s kind of crazy, but I could actually see some of the benefits to polygamy…

4. Some of the kids’ names are crazy, but at least they don’t all start with the same letter.

5. They aren’t overbearing with their religion. The parents said that they would be okay if their kids “… live their lifestyle [polygamy] or have no religion at all”. They “try” to pray at the end of the night, but it usually only happens 3 times a week – can you imagine THAT happening in Duggarville?

6. The women wear pants. And stylish clothes. And have normal hairstyles...oh, I think I said that already. Kody’s hair is a little crazy, but if I had to keep track of 3 wives and a fiancée, I think my hair might look like that, too.

7. They have problems – it’s not all sunshine and roses and family hoedowns.

8. They have been called pligs and pliglets, and they can laugh about it.

Okay, so Christine (wife 3) is a little crazy for not having a toaster based on the “fact” that toasters kill more people per year than sharks, and Kody needs to lay off the “101 Polygamist Jokes and Funny Phrases” book while he is doing his interviews, but other than that, I really kind of liked them. I’m intrigued to see how it will work out for Robin, the fiancée, who is looking to join the family with her 3 kids. Honestly, if I were one of Kody’s current wives, I’d be jealous ‘cuz Robin is younger and hotter than the current ones…maybe they’ll be a big cat fight or something. Stay tuned for more yummy polygamist goodness and let’s all watch TLC destroy yet another family!

9 of My Favorite Things from 2008 (List Lady)

My job- I get to impact the lives of young people by helping them be more included in the programs that they are participating in – what more could you ask for?? The best part of my job this year was when I got paid a very generous hourly rate (over $12/hour) to watch College Road Trip at 7:15am in the morning. I know you’re jealous. To ease this jealously, here’s a little taste of what you missed…hope it doesn ‘t make you hate me even more.


My favorite sports memory - Jets victory over the Titans. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE Jets fan, and I have been since I was a little girl. Some how, some way, I managed to pick one of the most mediocre teams to root for. They have managed to hover around the average level for the entirety of my 30 years. I’m sure there have been good games, but I’m not really one to remember these details. But, I did watch the entire Jets/Titans game (thank you TWC!). It was awesome to see the Jets beat a “good” team. Too bad they lost the next two games to mediocre teams.

My favorite Jet currently:


My favorite movie…out of all of the blockbusters that I have seen (Mamma Mia, Sex and the City, Nim’s Island, Four Christmases – you get the picture) – I would have to say my favorite was Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I mean, how can you not love a movie with a virginal Jack McBrayer and a Dracula musical performed by Jason Segal? It was funny, it was raunchy, it was smart, it was cute…qualities that the other movies listed all lacked. Maybe I just don’t get out to see too many good movies.


My favorite Liz Lemon quote – “I want to go to there” – need I say more???


My favorite summer vacation – Disney World. Okay, so this may not be totally fair because it was my only real summer vacation, but it was awesome! Aside from the heat (it was June, what did we expect?) and the shoe fiasco (which forced me to buy and wear my Mickey Crocs, which Matt despise…), it was a great trip. And the best part…beating Matt TWICE at the awesomest ride/game, Toy Story Mania. The Dream Fast Pass for Animal Kingdom and the German lunch buffet were also cool.

My favorite YouTube video -

My favorite YouTube video (Runner Up) -

My favorite culinary creation – This is tough, especially since I really have a hard time remembering what I make. I usually don’t cook/bake the same thing twice, so that’s a LOT of recipes/dishes to remember! I think I am most proud of the apple pie I made for Thanksgiving, because it was totally from scratch. Pie crust has been the bane of my existence, but I finally got it right. My decorations were a little lame, but it sure was tasty!!!

'08 Summer Movie Report: Sex and the City

Okay, I will admit to getting swept up in the hype. All of the interviews, ads, and film buzz made me reminisce about the days of old when I would sit with my roommates and watch Sex and the City. I thought to myself, hey, wouldn’t it be great if I got a group of my lady friends together to bond over the movie and then have some delicious dessert from The Cheesecake Factory???

Well, the cheesecake was good. I had chocolate raspberry truffle, thanks for asking! The movie – not so good. In true List Lady fashion, here is the rundown in list form:

1. What happened to the character traits that made these characters unique and so relatable? How can Samantha go the entire movie having sex with only one man? Why is Big nice? Why is Carrie a screaming, squealing little girl? Why do we have to know Big’s real name? Sigh…I think they lost sight of what made the show great – characters who have problems like us and act like us. Who hasn’t dated an asshole like Big? We all know, from our own experiences that these men do not change overnight. They don’t all of a sudden become the most loving, caring, perfect man. This is what fuels women’s myths of relationships and men. This is why we get pissed when our man doesn’t come groveling back to us and treat us like a princess. Instead, they may come back, but sooner or later they’ll return to their some old asshole ways. I guess Big sorta, kinda reverted, but only for 5 minutes or so. Love letters, really?
2. Product placement. Now, don’t think that I was naïve going into this. I knew the Sex and the City movie would be one huge commercial for shoes, fashion, and Apple. But, c’mon, did we really need a 5 minute fashion designer montage in the middle? At least in the show, it was less in your face. If anything, it was more of a way to separate the fashion gods from the clods. It wasn’t so much of, “Here are the ‘in’ things – make sure you know where to get them so you too can be cool.” The show had a much more natural way incorporating this consumer CRAP into the movie in such a way where you felt dumb because you didn’t necessarily know how to spell Manolo Blahnik (‘cuz the boxes weren’t always perfectly placed for the camera!).

3. It was too contrived. In the series, things felt more natural. They would go out to lunch, and then they’d move on with their everyday lives. In the movie, it just jumped from meal to meal to reunion to meal to reunion to etc….give me a break!!! Ugh. It was so ridiculous. If they would have cut out some of the stupid, unnecessary conversations and screaming moments and added more substance, the movie would have been a lot more tolerable.

That’s just the big three. Overall, I felt it lacked the charm of the show. It was thrown together to give women what they think they want, but the writers forgot what really and truly worked the best. The filmmakers tried too hard to make sure that everyone had comparable screen time which made for a lot of unnecessary scenes. I thought that Carrie was really the flattest of the four; the one who was most different from her sassy, independent self from the series, and that was the most disappointing aspect of the movie.

GEP's Grade: C-

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: The Finale

And the winner is...

Whitney, the first full-figured winner of ANTM. It took them 10 years to let a fat girl win (in all fairness, she's really not that fat...just fat in terms of models). I was glad that she won; I would rather have her cause promoted than any of the other 'causes' that have come and gone throughout the cycles (especially the fake-assperger's of last cycle).

This year's fake fashion show had a little more star power behind it - Donatella Versace designed the clothes, hence the extended shots of all of the other models. I guess she designed the itsy bitsy speedos as well (or Mr. Jay was allowed into the editing room).

It was nice to see Saleisha actually getting some work in a real fashion show, unlike all of those crappy ones they showed during her commercials throughout this cycle.

Some things to fix for next cycle:

1. Less product placement after the episode that promotes that product. If I saw one more can of 7-Up I was going to scream. No one likes 7-Up, and seeing wannabe models drink it is not helping its cause.

2. Lamest go-sees ever. Please go back to the individual go-sees where 4 or 5 of them have to navigate crappy transportation and ridiclous language barriers and absurd time constraints.

3. Tyra mail - please do NOT run the ticker next season. We know the models can read (and if they can't, we don't care because they look pretty.). And the Tyra Lisa Tyra-mail in Rome was pretty lame, too.

4. Tyra needs to take her meds regularly and consistently. She was even more whacko than usual. Please, prescribe her stronger drugs before she ends up like Paula Abdul.

5. Keep Paulina - she's fierce.

6. Keep the glitter away from Ms. Jay.

Quote du soir:
'the first ever juicy booty to make it on the runway' - make up artist in reference to Whitney.

Also, note the cheekbones on the one, the only, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker.

'til next cycle
-ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 11

Ding, Dong the wicked tranny's dead!

-ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 10

A return to lists after finally reaching acceptance over Stacy Ann's dismissal.

Things I hated about this episode:
1. Weird, crazy gladiators
2. Dominique
3. 'Mama' Tyra
4. Anya being everyone's best friend
5. Fatima's arrogance
6. Dominique's HORRIBLE fashion sense (fuschia sweater, outfit for judging, etc.)
7. Whitney not hugging Kat after Kat was eliminated
8. Kat's elimination - why couldn't Dominique have bombed the shoot?
9. the 5 minute preview for 'Farmer Needs a Wife'
10. Dominique

outie like Ellen
-ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 9

LL is taking the week off...it's in honor of the loss of an amazing competitor, who truly embodied what ANTM is all about, Stacy Ann.

Instead of the usual bitch fest that is LL's posts, I shall treat you with a story.

So, a young man with autism is asked by his teacher to go ask for some rubber cement. He walks out of the room and heads over to the neighboring teacher's classroom, but does not say anything. His teacher asks another student with autism, who happens to be his girlfriend, to go over their and ask for some rubber cement. She walks across and asks, "Do you have a rubber?" We know what was on her mind....

LL

Maybe this will help tide you over as well. See you next week. -matt

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 8

A day of mourning...

One of the fun ANTM games that I like to play is trying to figure out who will be in the bottom 2 within the first 15 minutes of the show. If you have watched as many cycles as I have - thank you MTV and VH1 for providing them in marathon form! - then, by this point, you know all of the clues that will allow you to be successful at this little party game. I will not divulge my secrets on GEP - I may try to write a book on day about the philosophy of ANTM.

Last night, I settled in bed with my purple pen and looseleaf paper, ready to get back to a REAL episode. By the first commercial break, I was sick. I knew at that point that the one, the only, the beloved Stacy Ann would be leaving. I spent the rest of the evening working through the denial, anger, bargaining, and depression; here is my story:

At first, I couldn't believe that my little Stacy Ann would be leaving. I thought that it was just a fluke. Now that there are 7 girls, they obviously have to give EVERYONE extra air time. Stacy Ann has that amazing jawline, and she's a minority - how would they EVER kick her off so early? I tried to tell myself that I really wasn't seeing as much of her as I thought I was...it really wasn't that bad, was it?

Then, at the green carpet party, I could tell that she was getting that arrogance that many ANTM losers get on their last episode, and I was angry with her. Angry that she thought she was super awesome. Angry that she thought she wasn't fake. Angry. Angry. Angry. Some of this anger was projected on Fatima - how is she going to be AMERICA's Next Top Model when she's not even a US citizen* and doesn't have proper papers to travel!

When it came time for judging, I regained a glimmer of hope. There's no way Fatima will stay since she missed the ENTIRE photo shoot! I thought - they will sacrifice Fatima for Stacy Ann. Sure, Fatima's previous pictures are a little better, but Stacy Ann has heart. She is always so happy and pleasant and pretty, and she isn't a catty bitch and she stays out of fights with the other girls...c'mon noted fashion photographer Nigel, see the good in Stacy Ann and teach that meany Fatima a big old lesson that you can't wait until the last minute and expect it all to work out!

And then, they dropped the bomb...instead of showing Stacy Ann's cute little teary-eyed airplane picture, they showed the blank nothingness that is Fatima. I spent the rest of the evening crying and eating chocolate covered strawberries, thinking about all of the things in Rome that Stacy Ann would miss. Thinking about how we won't be blessed with hearing her wonderfully cute voice speaking horrible Italian while shooting a lame Cover Girl commercial. Thinking about how she won't get to let her real personality shine through all of the fakeness when they do go-sees. Thinking about how she'll never have a chance to expose Dominque for the transvestite that she is...it still depresses me. I don't know if I will reach accpetance...it may take several ANTM, Cycle 10 marathons to get me to that point.

tearfully,
ll

*Other ANTM favorites have been foreign (ex., Natasha, Cycle 8), but at least they recognized how they could incorporate their non-native status into some "America is great because it accepts everyone" bull crap.

Idol gives back, but Tyra doesn't give anything

Recap shows suck. They tempted us and teased us with promises of Clair drinking her breast milk...they failed us. I'm losing my faith in Tyra.

sigh,
ll

Matt's thoughts: You know what, Tyra, some of us didn't want to watch two and a half hours of American Idol last night. Even though they were trying to do good and help people all over the world, two and a half hours is a long time to devote to anything, but especially to something you know is going to be terrible. What about all of us that don't want to help starving orphans or flood vicitims? Don't we deserve an hour of dead-eyed bitchery? What about a young girl that truly wants to give money, wants to make The Arch proud of her, but can't because she spent all her babysitting money on Miley Cyrus concert tickets? Doesn't she need a modelling show to ease her pain and sooth her tears? What about all those poor young men that don't have access to pornography? You stole a night of precious self-pleasuring from them. You blew it, Tyra. You really blew it.

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 7

Thoughts of a model...

Since the girls went on go-sees last night, I had this grandiose plan of writing captions under each team pictures with my comments for each of the girls...well, thanks a LOT CW website for not putting up any of THOSE pictures. There are just stupid judging pictures and such, although there is a lovely shot of Ms. Jay and his sparkly red eyebrows.

So, instead, I decided to provide insight into what the models are thinking instead. Now, there may be pictures, there may not...this will depend on the powers that be at GiantElectric. (I don't know how much 'time' they have to put in all these pictures...like they're all that busy with work and such...humph.)
Anya: 'It's, like, so important to make a good impression with everything you do. I mean, this is Tyra Banks and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker who are judging you.'

Claire: 'Even though I got sent home tonight, I'm going to keep doing this for my daughter, to give her a better life. Hopefully, my next job will be in NY, too, so my breast milk won't dry up again.'

Dominique: 'Dominique knows Dominique will win, and that these other girls fear Dominique. And, if by some chance the judges have their heads up their asses, you can check out Dominique every 3rd Saturday at The Cock on 12th Street.'

Fatima: 'All of the other girls are so immature. They're just jealous that they are not as disgustingly skinny as I am.'

Katarzyna: 'I really don't have anything to say.'

Lauren: 'So, I know I don't look like the other girls. I know I'm awkward and can't walk. And I'm not going to do a single thing to get any better.'

Stacy Ann: 'This experience has been like totally awesome! I love modeling! I love clothes and shoes and make-up...I even love my new totally short do! Yay for models.'

Whitney: 'I got curves...so? You got a problem with that? America's ready for a plus-size model to win, and here I come.'

Ponder these deep thoughts 'til next week.

ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 6

The times, they were annoying.

poor little Mormon girl doesn't know how to be a sexy, soulful R&B diva....

I decided to do a scientific study last night, to pinpoint the exact times that caused my annoyance. I figured I'd share my results:
8:08pm - annoyed by Dominique because she's ugly, tranny, stupid, manly, etc., etc., etc.
8:17pm - annoyed by everyone due to Tyra mail reading (except for Stacy-Ann!)
8:20pm - annoyed by Anya because she spoke for more than 5 seconds and her accent is stupid
8:21pm - annoyed by Tyra because she's Tyra
8:33pm - annoyed by Fatima*
*note - Fatima did not say anything on air until 8:32pm
8:35pm - no longer annoyed...that may be due to the fact that I fell asleep....

Quotes du Soir:
'My milk is starting to dry up.'
'I'm just a little confused with it (alarm clock).'
'pose with pain'
'look at the monkeys dance'
'broken-down doll with marionette legs'
'so this is white music'

ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10:Week 5

This week's entry will be short, sweet, and to the point....we have a trip to golden corral, and i have to gear up for the trip.

This was just another week of me HATING all of the contestants that are featured on the episode.

Top 3 most hated by LL:
3. Whitney
2. Fatima
1. Dominique*

*Dominique insists on talking in the 3rd person. She is the MOST arrogant, MOST annoying, MOST manly THING I've ever seen on TV.

Top 3 underexposed girls:
3. Katarzyna
2. Aimee
1. Stacy Ann (my dark horse!) - I like it better when she doesn't speak as much!

One more note before quotes du soir:
WTF - armpit hair, really???

QDS:
'Marvita's a crazy hood rat.'
'...(Whitney's)....a big brick wall who's like racist towards everyone...'
'they were draggish....this is where I (Dominique) fit in.'
'this ain't no cheap fake stuff'
'look, a bar code'
'squint with eyes open - I'm doing it while I'm talking to you'

ll

America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 4

so, i shall refer to this episode as the one during which i started the 'I heart stacy ann fan club.' i've decided that she is the funniest of the annoying girls, and she deserves it!

well, this episode proves that this is the WORST group of runway walkers to date. pitiful. lame. pathetic. bad. gross. yucky. ewww. blech.

here is the lovely, ANNOYING fatima, 'forgetting' to put on her little firefighter boots. she also 'forgot' how to button her shirt in the challenge and 'forgot' how to pose in the photo shoot. i was really hoping Tyra would send her home in addition to amis.

speaking of the devil...here is amis SKIPPING down the modified catwalk - give me a freakin' break. she thought it would be fun. she also thought that wearing that stupid headband at elimination would be fun. sigh.

since when did they let drag queens in the competition?

the piece de resistance! i think the firefighters thoroughly enjoyed the runway lesson with ms. j, as well as his mini-burlesque show.

the girls went from bad to worse at the pretend fashion show.

Top 5 bad fashion show moments:

1. hearing Jaslene's voice
2. seeing Jaslene
3. Whitney flashing nipples - bad for Whitney, good for us
4. Lauren's 'I'm weird and misunderstood so I can't walk and pose like a model' walk
5. Fatima. all of her.

as for the photo shoot itself, the tyra team must really be out of ideas. i mean, really - meat??? we all know the girls (and trannies) are whores and like the meat, but does it need to be so blantant and in our face at all times?

Quotes du soir:

'i would've hooked your ass right off the stage.'
'I smell a little dookie.'
in reference to Jaslene - '...a big-old beautiful, doe-eyed, yummy little Latino sandwich'
'Southern not-cultured white trash'
'Jaslene's ...really smart'
'The girl next door becomes girlicious.'

toodles 'til next thursday.
ll