Reality Bits: British people are as bad as we are. Maybe worse.

This video has been popping up a lot on the old Facebook this week:



From what I've gathered, people are posting and re-posting this clip from Britain's Got Talent's 2012 auditions because it is inspiring or something. Usually the poster has included some version of the old cliche "you can't judge a book by its cover" when sharing said video, which is odd because by this point in the evolution of reality-based competition shows, everybody, regardless if they watch the program in question or not, understands that when an overweight, unattractive, awkward human being shuffles to center stage and lifts a microphone to his or her pudgy, sweat-drenched face, the voice coming out of that face is gonna be supernaturally amazing. Would millions of people waste their time sharing a YouTube clip of a fat kid who sings like a donkey? Probably not. When I see a weirdo on a reality show--and I mean a super duper weirdo--I just assume that he is going to bring the house down. A fat, awkward, weird cover usually means the book is gonna be pretty great. And a little boring, because we've seen it countless times before.

I'm not posting this video to shame the fringe "friends" who shared the Charlotte and Jonathan opera video on Facebook. And I'm not posting it to poke fun at Jonathan for his weight or his hair or his awkwardness. This isn't elementary school and I'm not a third grade bully. The fact that Jonathan looks like Dan Fogler if he ate Jack Black whole isn't the point. The point is who the hell listens to opera?!?

I mean, c'mon! When Charlotte and Jonathan get into it, fine, it's pretty intense. "Wow," I thought, "that kid is singing the shit out of some opera. Do it, son!" I get the audience's initial reaction. They can't believe this is the same shy kid that shambled onto stage deferring to his partner and playing with his hair. I do get it. But then things get a little silly. Audience members are shown nearly falling out of their seats and quietly sobbing to themselves. Then comes the standing ovation. It's all a bit much, no?

But, fine, this Jonathan guy is pretty good (I agree with Simon that Charlotte seems like deadweight). Stand for him. Cry into your folded hands. Clap until your palms bleed. Post a video of him singing on your Facebook page and claim him as your Messiah. But don't you dare try to tell me that you enjoy opera music. You don't and you never have! Seriously! The friends of mine who posted this dumb thing have never, to my knowledge, mentioned opera any other time on FB.

I don't follow Britain's Got Talent, so I don't know (or care) how Jonathan and Charlotte have fared this season, but from the reaction of the audience and the judges--my favorite comes at the 3:00 mark--these two could go all the way. And that's the problem with these reality talent shows. The weirdest people are rewarded. Like, what happens if Jonathan and Charlotte win and get some kind of record deal? Will they record an album of opera standards? Then what? A tour? A second album? There's no way that happens! Even if every hardcore opera fan on the planet bought their debut album, Charlotte and Jonathan are guaranteed to fade into obscurity within a year of its release.

It's like America's Got Talent when ventriloquist/impressionist/singer/wife-abandoner Terry Fader won. American's like ventriloquism that much? There's no way they do! Ventriloquism is antiquated and dumb. And not funny. Who is entertained by a ventriloquist? I mean really entertained?

Look, Britain, the best thing you can do for Jonathan and the girl-shaped albatross tied around his, um, let's say neck, is to boot him off of Britain's Got Talent as soon as possible. Let him move forward with a serious opera career. Don't string him along, convince him he'll be the biggest thing since fish and chips, only to abandon him for the next boy band that spawns from your jolly ole sewers and slowly conquers the world's hearts and minds. Let Jonathan go. It's for the best.

Jersey Shore's Dark Side

Life at the Jersey Shore seems like a lot of fun. The beach, the Sunday dinners, the fist pumping, the catchphrase-laden t-shirts—the Shore appears to promise and deliver a non-stop orgy of summer good times.

But there is a dark side to Jersey Shore that I’ve up until this point failed to weigh in on. I think it’s because if one chose to dwell in this shadowy place for more than a couple of seconds, one would quickly realize that Jersey Shore might possibly be the worst thing that has ever appeared on television in the history of mankind.

I’m not 100-percent on this, but I’m pretty sure no one from the Jersey Shore has ever presented him/herself as any kind of role model. Maybe I missed that episode. Has The Situation ever looked into the camera during an interview and earnestly explained, “I’m just trying to be someone kids can look up to, you know?” Of course he hasn’t! He has, however, lifted his shirt, gently stroked his abs like a Bond villain petting his evil feline companion, and said something derogatory about the entire female race that Mtv has had to bleep out.

It took becoming a parent, specifically the father of a daughter, to help me see the icky underbelly of Jersey Shore. Well, becoming a father and breaking the spell Jwoww’s breasts had over my fragile male mind. Damn you, Jwoww’s breasts!

It isn’t the fact that Snooki is an unrepentant alcoholic that bothers me. It isn’t Ronnie’s rage issues. It isn’t even the fact that the cast’s dangerous tanning regiment will assuredly lead to skin cancer for all in the near future. It is, simply put, the rampant sex-having, and all of the disrespect and misogyny that comes with it.

I’m not against young people and Mike Sorrentino having a little “roll in the hay” from time to time. You’re young! You’re wieners and hoo-hahs still function efficiently! May as well smoosh ‘em together. But the ease with which these guys (and it is mostly the guys) admit to a cameraman, and, thus, the viewing public, that they intend to use a sweaty dance club as their sexual grocery store, that their one and only goal for the evening is to discover a new hole to passionlessly hump, is not only shocking, but stupefyingly depressing. Presenting life as one giant drunken fuck-a-thon isn’t Mtv’s intention, is it? Omigod! I bet it probably is!

Listen, I’m 33, ok? I’m an old man. My views on sex and relationships are old fashioned, out of touch, and totally gay. I get that. But I’ve also been kicking around on this planet long enough to know that the Jersey Shore crew does not have it all figured out. Dudes who vag hop and refer to women as “hippos” and “grenades” without any emotional attachment to anything, are not the dudes you should be modeling your life after. I know the Jersey Shore guys are just living their (edited) lives, but, seriously, you guys can’t go one night without burying your bronzed boner in something?

And isn’t entirely Mike, Pauly or Vinny’s fault. It takes two to do that one dance people like to do or something. Seaside Heights appears to be full of lonely, fame-hungry young women DTF with the GTL crew. What, does providing Sitch with a blow jibber before summer’s over give you the high score at life? Is this really all you Shore girls have to look forward to in your life, to have intercourse with Vinny while Pauly D bangs your best friend just three feet away? Vinny and Pauly have had their names etched forever into the hallowed pop culture tablets. You, however, will simply be remembered as “Karma Slut #1” or “Frizzy-Haired Grenade.” Or you won’t be remembered at all. (Fun Fact: It’s that second one.)

Jersey Shore showcases a lot of despicable behavior—excessive drinking, violent street fighting, gleeful stereotyping, water wastage (all that laundry! Sheesh!)—but somehow the meaningless sex is the worst.

(I'm done now. No more Jersey Shore talk until Snook's shoots out her baby. Thanks for reading.)

Eff You Jersey Jerks: A Revealing Look Back to January 17, 2011

[Boy, has my tune changed. Such vitriol. Still funny, but, wow. I guess I've become what I once hated. I still don't have any desire to dine with any of these people. "Nighty-night fist pump" is damn hilarious though. I gotta give myself a fist pump for that one. Not of the nighty-night variety, you perv!]



It's good to be passionate about something. If human beings didn't have hobbies or distractions that we visited from time to time, we'd probably go insane. My life would be empty without movies and comic books, just as yours might if someone took away all of your Star Wars action figures or the VHS copies of the She-Ra series you keep under your bed. Reading, model-building, stamp collecting, international travel, bird watching, sports betting, smoking: these are just a fraction of the extra-curricular pursuits that make life worth living. It can't all be working and family! It can't be! We've got to make time for our passions.

Of course, some passions are stupid, like, this young lady's. She loves the Mtv "reality" program Jersey Shore. How much does she love it? This much:



This makes my soul hurt. In a world full of noble pursuits, Daniela has decided to devote whatever spare time she has to a television program about four misogynists, three foul-mouthed slutbags, and an orange-tinted, pickle-sucking cave troll who live together in a wood-paneled hovel on the New Jersey shore and spend their entire summer listlessly and lovelessly humping any vagina/penis that wanders into their bleary-eyed field of vision and perpetrating a negative Italian-American stereotype that has most regular, hard-working, non-orange Italian-Americans longing for the days of The Sopranos and the Godfather movies. That's what Daniela likes, nay, loves. But don't take my word for it:

"Everyone knows I am obsessed with all things Jersey Shore. I own a TEAM SNOOKI tshirt and I also have a Jersey Shore poster in my room. My life REVOLVES around Jersey Shore. If i win this dinner with Ronnie my dreams would come true and I would absolutely die inside SO EVERYONE HAS TO ATTEND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."

No, we understand. You're sick. In your brain.

For those of you don't know, Jersey Shore's Ronnie is famous for being the guy who repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend, Shore castmate Sammi, and denying it until an anonymous letter spelling out each and every one of his indiscretions was passed along to said girlfriend. Don't worry, as of Season 3 Episode 2, they're still together. Yes, apparently when you are a respected member of the Jersey Shore elite, you can treat your lady like a pile of dog vomit and continue to expect her undying devotion along with your nightly hand-job, or as the guido community calls it, a "nighty-night fist pump." This is who Daniela wants to break bread with at some point. My soul just vomited.

Here now is a list of passions GEP deems far more acceptable than a passion for the Jersey Shore program. Feel free to choose a new one from this list, Daniela. In the end, we think you'll be a whole lot happier.

-toy trains

-Big Band music

-ironic t-shirts

-crime scene photography

-butter churning

-Disney World pin collecting

-gasoline huffing

-Harry Potter fan fiction

-knitting sweaters from hairballs

-Precious Moments figurines

-upskirt photography

-heavy/death/black metal

-Nazi memorabilia

-drawing

-marijuana

Gym, Tan...WRITING?!?!?!?

So, maybe you're one of those stuffed-shirts who looks at the cast of Jersey Shore as nothing more than a pack of yammering, orange-tinted buffoons, put on this earth to mock and disparage; brain-dead sex robots fueled by pasta and suntan lotion; fat-headed jerks with less than a single brain cell to share between, a brain cell that is in danger of tumbling from their cavernous skulls to be crushed on the sweaty dance floor at Karma. Well, I just have one question for you: have you ever written a book? The Jersey Shore has.

OK. Maybe you have written a book, but was it ever published or are you like that sad Jeopardy contestant who is referred to as a writer during his Johnny Gilbert intro, but during his "getting-to-know-you chat" admits that he has written three science fiction novels that only his mother has read? You're probably like that guy. Or maybe you are that guy. If so, what's Alex Trebek like? I have a feeling that he's nice.

Anyway, when certain members of Jersey Shore cast aren't tanning, fighting or drinking to excess, they're writing. Books! Real, honest-to-God books you can hold in your hand, read with your eyes, and toss into the garbage can with that same aforementioned hand when you finish.
1. The Rules According to JWOWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death and Kicking the Competition to the Curb.

It's having huge breasts, right? That's the secret to achieving all of these things, right? JWOWW wrote a 224-page book about her gigantic knockers, right? Right?

Of course she didn't, bro! This is a book... I mean, this book is so... Help me out, Amazon:

Are you stuck in a relationship with a stage-five clinger? Maybe your date is more like a man-whore than Mr. Smooth. Do guys only call you late at night when they're looking for a quick hookup? The Rules According to JWOWW can change all that.

Famous for both her cleavage-baring tops and her tough-as-nails approach to life and love on MTV's hit show Jersey Shore, JWOWW tells it like it is. And now she's laying down the rules she has learned and lived by on smushing, smackdowns, and standing up for yourself. JWOWW's advice on what she wears to get a guy's attention at the club, how she keeps her man in check, how she maintains her sick body, and what she does to satisfy her guy will have you with a man ready to wife-up in no time.

"Stage-five clinger?" "Smushing?" "Wife-up?" Is that like a "Power Up" or something? Look, I might not understand the terminology, but if I'm going to trust anyone to give me advice on my love life, it's going to be the sick-bodied Jenni Farley. ("Sick" is good, right?)

One satisfied Amazon customer, who gave the book a rousing 5-star review, was also kind enough to list some of the topics discussed in The Rules According to JWOWW: Blah Blah Something Boobs. Here are some of my favorites:

1. JOWOWW's favorite clubs in Miami, Jersey Shore and Long Island

Finally, a comprehensive guide to only the best [i.e. loudest, sweatiest, most disease-laden] clubs in three places I've never been to.*

2. Five ways to fight right (not physical)

So, with your mind then? Is this chapter about telekinesis? Maybe one unlocks their latent telekinetic abilities when one taps into one's inner JWOWW. One wonders.

3. Exercise routines to work specific body parts.

Got something for the penis in there, Jenni?

4. Best places to bury a body in the Pine Barrens.

Wait, really?

2. Confessions of a Guidette

Snooki has written two books, which makes her two times better than you, ya dip. One of these books is this one, that, according to one reviewer (to whom Snooki was rude allegedly), contains "lots of previously unseen pictures of Snooki and her home life." That sounds like fun?

Pretty much, Confessions of a Guidette looks like a rehash of JWOWW's Guide to Clubbing and Boob Maintenance, only with a lot more pickle references. The Snooki booki I'm more interested in is...
3. A Shore Thing

It's Snooki's first crack at fiction! What's it about, dammit, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?:

It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.

Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and her cousin Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever. While they couldn’t be more different—pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athlete who always holds her tongue—for the next month they’re ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer: hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.

So far, Gia’s summer is on fire. Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow, inventing the popular “tan-tags” at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach, she becomes a local celebrity overnight. Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control. Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type: big, tan, and Italian. But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really heat up?

Bella is more than ready for some fun in the sun. Finally free of her bonehead ex-boyfriend, she left home in Brooklyn with one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla for a no-strings-attached summer fling. In no time, she lands a job leading “Beat Up the Beat” dance classes at a local gym, and is scooped up by Beemer-driving, preppy Bender Newberry. Only problem: Bella can’t get her romantic and ripped boss Tony “Trouble” Troublino out of her head. He’s relationship material. Suddenly, Bella’s not sure what she wants.

The cousins soon realize that for every friend they make on the boardwalk, there are also rivals, slummers, and frenemies who will do anything to ruin their summer—and try their relationship. Before July ends, the bonds of family and friendship will be stretched to the breaking point. Will the haters prevail, or will Gia and Bella find love at the Shore?

For everyone who loves MTV’s hit reality show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s sweet, funny, and sexy novel perfectly captures the heat, the energy, the fun, and the drama of Jersey Shore.

Just in case you skipped reading the above plot description, there is a character in this novel named Bender Newberry. And one named Tony "Trouble" Troublino. For real. Also, one of the protagonists saves a shark's life. I'm not kidding.
4. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Convincing People You Are 29-Years-Old When You Are More Likely Damn Near 40

We already made fun of this one.

Beach reads!

*I have been to Long Island. I dyed Easter eggs there.

Beating That Beat Up All By Himself

OK. Maybe I was a little premature with my whole "good-bye forever, Jersey Shore" thing. Apparently, rumors abound that some members of Jersey Shore's cast want to wring one or two more seasons out of this whole situation. Other sources report that the cast members pretty much despise one another and are ready to get back to gymming, tanning, and laundering solo. Another even more differenter source says that The Situation has gained 300-pounds and taken to wandering around his sparsely furnished mansion in a stained Hawaiian shirt, mumbling to himself about the time everybody thought he ate the cake Deena and Snooki made for Danny even though he didn't and how it made him hella sad. Again, these are just rumors.

I guess I thought Jersey Shore was coming to a close because of the reports that Jwoww and Snooks are currently filming their own spin-off show and Pauly D's new program, The Pauly D Project, premieres on March 29 at 10:30 PM on Mtv. Oh, you hadn't heard? Then I guess you haven't seen the preview yet either, have you?

Why this might be good:

1. Despite the ridiculous hair-plateau he sports, Pauly D (real name Paul DelVecchio) seems like a fairly decent guy, and I don't mind it when fairly decent guys make good. I mean, imagine a show that follows Mike Sorrentino around post-Jersey Shore. What does that guy do? Sure, Pauly plays records for a living (I could play records for a living. Seriously. Somebody pay me to play records at your next party. I guarantee you'll enjoy yourself.), but The Situation does nothing. For reals.

2. That fat guy's girlfriend is pretty hot.

Why this might/probably will be bad:

1. Ryan is your best friend/wing man, Pauly? What about Vinny? I've spent five seasons of Jersey Shore watching a love affair blossom between you two crazy guidos, and now I've got to hear from an extended first look at your spin-off show that you already had a best friend and that best friend's name is Ryan? Bullshit!

2. As mentioned earlier, Pauly D plays records for a living. This is a show that follows him around. So, this is a television program that follows around a guy who plays records for a living and shows him playing records. That sounds horrible.

3. I don't see any Jersey Shore cast member cameos in this commercial. Surely, Snooki stops by with a jar of pickles at some point, right? Maybe Deena shows up at a gig and flashes her vagina to a group of fist-pumping frat boys. One can dream.

4. Wait. Pauly D is signing a record deal? How does a DJ get a record deal? Is the deal that he will buy all of the records he plays exclusively from 50 Cent? That's gotta be it. An album from a DJ is just a mix tape, right?

Time will tell, but I'm going to venture an educated guess and say that The Pauly D Project is going to suck meatballs, which is too bad, because I like it when fairly decent guys make good.

Dr. Fistpump or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Shore

This Thursday--or "Jerzday" as it's known in the Lawson house--marks the end of a glorious era. On March 15, 2012, America says its final good-byes to The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki, Ronnie, Sammi Sweetheart, Vinny, Jwoww, Deena, the Duck Phone, Danny, The Shore Store, Karma, and the Seaside Heights Police Department. I think I'll miss you most of all, Duck Phone. I never figured out if you were quacking or farting. I guess...we'll...never...know...

In this paragraph, which I'm going to go ahead and call "The Second Paragraph," I'm guessing most of you are expecting me to crack wise on Mtv's reality horror show that was Jersey Shore. Many of you probably want me to poke fun at Snooki for her unnatural love of pickles and showing her vagina to any and every one. Or complain about how Mike tries to work his ridiculous nickname into every other sentence. Or scoff at Vinnie's "Let Go and Let God" chest tattoo. Or compare Jwoww's appearance in the final season to that of an anorexic praying mantis. Or suggest that instead of a brain, Deena's skull contains a spinning hamster wheel. You might be expecting these things, but you will not get them, because I, Matt Lawson, very much like Jersey Shore.

I love that Snooki loves pickles so much. I love pickles too! I like that Deena is dumb. I don't tune in to watch her do math equations on a giant white board. I watch because she gets drunk and falls off of couches. Watching Ronnie punch some greased up guido in the chops is like listening to a beautiful symphony. Seeing Jwoww parade around in a series of outfits that would embarrass a stripper puts a little spring in my step. And, let's face it, Pauly D and Vinny's budding bromance is one of the most fulfilling and beautiful relationships on television today. They love each other so friggin' much, bro!

I don't know why I like Jersey Shore so much. On the surface, it does not appear to be in my wheelhouse, as "they" say. I don't hang around with douchebags in my day-to-day life, and yet I tune in to watch these douchebags drink, fight, hump, and stab each other in the back every Thursday night. And I don't think they're douchebags. Anymore. I did when Season 1 reared it's greasy head waaaaaaay back in 2009. "Ugh, what's this, a sideshow?" I snarked, tuning in to point and laugh at the stupid dumb dummies. Then those same tanned stupids were whisked off to Miami and I was all, like, "Oh brudder, I don't know how much more of these dum-dums I can take." And then I realized I was watching every episode. And not just once. I would watch the same episode over and over again. My wife and I would lose ourselves in Jersey Shore weekend marathons. I found myself rooting for Snooki in her quest to smoosh Vinny. I wept alongside Ronnie and Sammi as they attempted to navigate the minefield that is First Love. I cheered each time Pauly D bellowed one of his charming catch phrases ("Yeah, buddy!; "Cabs are heah!"; "Oh, yeah, [INSERT WORD HERE], yeah!). I didn't just want to watch MVP enjoy T-shirt Time...I wanted to be there enjoying T-shirt Time with them!

Listen, I don't know what it is about Jersey Shore that keeps me coming back like a junkie. Maybe it's that whole "everybody likes a good train wreck" thing, though, to be honest, I'm not really that into checking out train wrecks. They're probably pretty awful, all that twisted metal and severed limbs strewn every which way. Jersey Shore isn't a train wreck, but I don't know what it is. It's dumb people doing things I hate (excessive drinking, going to clubs, working out, etc.), yet I can't get enough.

Obviously my love of Jersey Shore is something I've got to work through and I'm going to do so all this week, as we countdown the days until we all say our final good-byes. I don't know what a world without Jersey Shore is going to look like, to be honest with you. Probably a little less orange, but maybe a little less fun too.

Reality Bits: Food

Program: Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern

Episode: Vietnam

I love food. I especially love delicious food. Food of all kinds, really. I have my favorites. I'm a huge sushi guy. I'll eat just about anything in taco form. I'd eat dinner at a Chinese or Indian buffet every night if it were humanly possible. I sincerely believe that everything tastes better when dipped in hummus. And pizza still tops my list of culinary favs.

I'm also open to new food experiences, so I've decided to tackle this and future episodes of Bizarre Foods with a little game I'm calling WOULD I EAT IT?

The following is a list of some of the more bizarre foods Andrew Zimmern samples in this episode of his Travel Channel program. Following each food, I will answer the question, WOULD I EAT IT? and offer a short explanation if I feel one is necessary. I encourage all of you to play along at home.

1. a cobra that has been killed in front of me? Yes, but only because Zimmern describes the flavor as a combination of eel and chicken, two things I actually like.



2. Fried snake bones w/ crackers (pictured above)? Yes. It looks so yummy and crispy!

3. Still-beating cobra heart? No.

4. Deep-fried snake skin? Yes. Like pork cracklins, only snake. You hand me a bowl of something salty and crunchy, I don't care whose skin it is, I'm gonna eat it.

5. Fried snakehead fish? Yes. Zimmern eats this in a restaurant in Hanoi that serves nothing but fried snakehead fish and it looks delicious. And fun. Eating an order of fried snakehead fish is, like, a delicious activity. And the fish might have what appears to be a snake's head, but they didn't serve it (surprise, surprise), so, no problem.

6. Head-on roasted sparrow, bones and all (pictured above between Zimmern's chopsticks)? Hell no! I don't eat anything with it's head still attached.

7. Scorpions? No.

8. 32-inch bull penis w/ testicles? I would consider eating this Vietnamese delicacy if it were chopped up and shoved into a burrito maybe, but when Zimmern orders it, it looks like, well, a penis. Does it have to still look like a dick to count or something?


9. Civet coffee? I don't see why I need to drink coffee brewed from beans shat out by some weird rodent. Just bring me a regular coffee, light cream, light sugar. What do I need to prove?

10. Fried silkworms? No. It was just a pile of worms some lady tossed around in a wok for five minutes. Dress it up a little.

11. Ca say (AKA, "weird, Vietnamese hybrid duck")? Even Zimmern hates this thing, so, no.

12. Shipworms? They come with their own natural stuffing made from the wood pulp of which their regular diet consists. Again, Zimmern says they're gross, so, I'm out.

13. Mantis prawn? Zimmern describes its flavor as "sweeter than lobster, with the texture of crab." Sounds like a tasty combination to me. Mantis prawn also has the distinction of being the weirdest looking creature Zimmern has ever shoved into his piehole.

So, how many of these bizarre foods would you eat? Let me know in the comments section.

2012 @ GEP

It's a brand-new year, so I'm changing things up a little at the ol' blog-a-roo. There will be no theme months this year. Instead, there will be one yearlong theme. From here on out--at GEP anyway--2012 shall be referred to exclusively as...

THE YEAR OF TV

Yes, we're narrowing our focus to the world of television this year. I'm pretty excited. Here's the line-up so far:

most Tuesdays: Tawdry Tuesday--Join me as I watch the original Melrose Place in it's entirety. Things are going to get so sexy, you might just want to wear two condoms. (I assume readers of this blog already wear one condom when they stop by GEP. If I'm wrong about this, let me know in the comments section.)

most Wednesdays: Reality Bits--Did you know that there are currently over 1 billion reality shows in existence? That's a lot of garbage. No one could watch every episode of every reality show out there--why would anyone want to?--but I'm going to watch/subject myself to some of them and report back to you. Don't weep for me. I considered it my duty.

most Thursdays and Saturdays: 100 Episodes I Love--Like 100 Songs I Love, only about TV shows. Duh.

And much, much more...

And while it's true that I am narrowing my focus in 2012, I am not abandoning the features you've come to know and love. So look out for new editions of 100 Songs I Hate, Movie Penguin Monday, Stop Already, Perving Out, and 100 Songs I Love, as well as a few new ones I'm still figuring out.

Brand New (Fat and) Stupid: Coming Soon

Set your DVRs, America!







How many episodes in before the old man suffers a fatal heart attack? Hell, before any of them do. I feel like that's what Tru TV is going for, don't you? "Watch these fat lumps eat, sweat, and wheeze! It's entertainment! Promise!" You know one of these heavy hitters is gonna complain about chest pains or a tingling feeling in his left arm at least once an episode. I mean, filming re-enactments of wacky repo situations that probably never happened can be taxing work. Ugh.

What the WTF?!?: I Don't Feel Good

Did you happen to catch American Idol last night? I saw part of it (what else is one to do during the gulf of yawns separating Community from The Office?). Forturnately--or unfortunately--I tuned in just in time to see this:



Now I like a good American Idol Crazy as much as, if not more than, the next guy, but something about Cooper Robinson made me uncomfortable. First off, he's probably homeless, right? Secondly, he's not just homeless homeless, but crazy homeless, right? And I don't mean "crazy homeless," like, he really doesn't have a home, like, he doesn't even have a cardboard box to curl up in at night, but, rather, that he should reside in a mental institution, perhaps even did at one time. There's something broken in Old Man Cooper's mind that an angry, stompy performance of James Brown's "I Feel Good" ain't gonna fix. Cooper Robinson makes last year's Pants-on-the-Ground Guy look like someone I would happily invite to babysit my daughter while me and the wife took in a special showing of Andy Warhol's Empire at the Rialto. (Google it!)

There's a guy like Robinson on American Idol every year: some old man, usually black, who has in the past ten years or so lost his mind, home, or both. The man stomps around, attempts a popular dance move, and lunges in a vaguely threatening manner at the judges table. Robinson met the core requirements:

-he showed up dressed like an alternate reality mariachi band member.

-he claimed to be from a mysterious plantation in Arkansas surrounded by miles of peril, including alligators, feral cats, and snakes.

-he proclaimed, without hestitation, that he would be the next "American Star for America" after taking the city of LA and Universal Studios by force and becoming a huge movie star.

-he claimed to be "more handsomest than any dog, chicken, giraffe, snake, cow, pig, hog [or] gee-raff."

One thing was missing however: Cooper Robinson wasn't joking. He wasn't having a laugh. Some producer promised Robinson a hot meal if he'd come up and literally scare the crap out of Jennifer Lopez's lucious ass. And that's what he did! Like every senile old nutbag who visits with AI's intrepid judges each year, Robinson successfully made everyone in the room uncomfortable, including Steven Tyler, who, I think we can all agree, has probably seen some heavy shit, man.

Maybe I've changed. Maybe that's why the above clip makes me wince where I'd used to giggle. I feel sorry for Cooper Robinson. He is obviously hurting, but here he is on national TV jangling around like a jackass. And for what? Three and a half minutes of uncomfortable judge silence? Was it all a plot to get Ryan Seacrest to jump into Randy Jackson's comforting arms, as the elfin host does at the end of the clip?

I noticed while watching a few minutes of Winter Wipeout last night that I had largely lost my taste for watching people fall from great heights and land on their faces as well. Maybe I'm maturing. Maybe...

Profiles in Weirdness: Jersey Shore Super Fans

It's good to be passionate about something. If human beings didn't have hobbies or distractions that we visited from time to time, we'd probably go insane. My life would be empty without movies and comic books, just as yours might if someone took away all of your Star Wars action figures or the VHS copies of the She-Ra series you keep under your bed. Reading, model-building, stamp collecting, international travel, bird watching, sports betting, smoking: these are just a fraction of the extra-curricular pursuits that make life worth living. It can't all be working and family! It can't be! We've got to make time for our passions.

Of course, some passions are stupid, like, this young lady's. She loves the Mtv "reality" program Jersey Shore. How much does she love it? This much:



This makes my soul hurt. In a world full of noble pursuits, Daniela has decided to devote whatever spare time she has to a television program about four misogynists, three foul-mouthed slutbags, and an orange-tinted, pickle-sucking cave troll who live together in a wood-paneled hovel on the New Jersey shore and spend their entire summer listlessly and lovelessly humping any vagina/penis that wanders into their bleary-eyed field of vision and perpetrating a negative Italian-American stereotype that has most regular, hard-working, non-orange Italian-Americans longing for the days of The Sopranos and the Godfather movies. That's what Daniela likes, nay, loves. But don't take my word for it:

"Everyone knows I am obsessed with all things Jersey Shore. I own a TEAM SNOOKI tshirt and I also have a Jersey Shore poster in my room. My life REVOLVES around Jersey Shore. If i win this dinner with Ronnie my dreams would come true and I would absolutely die inside SO EVERYONE HAS TO ATTEND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."

No, we understand. You're sick. In your brain.

For those of you don't know, Jersey Shore's Ronnie is famous for being the guy who repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend, Shore castmate Sammi, and denying it until an anonymous letter spelling out each and every one of his indiscretions was passed along to said girlfriend. Don't worry, as of Season 3 Episode 2, they're still together. Yes, apparently when you are a respected member of the Jersey Shore elite, you can treat your lady like a pile of dog vomit and continue to expect her undying devotion along with your nightly hand-job, or as the guido community calls it, a "nighty-night fist pump." This is who Daniela wants to break bread with at some point. My soul just vomited.

Here now is a list of passions GEP deems far more acceptable than a passion for the Jersey Shore program. Feel free to choose a new one from this list, Daniela. In the end, we think you'll be a whole lot happier.

-toy trains

-Big Band music

-ironic t-shirts

-crime scene photography

-butter churning

-Disney World pin collecting

-gasoline huffing

-Harry Potter fan fiction

-knitting sweaters from hairballs

-Precious Moments figurines

-upskirt photography

-heavy/death/black metal

-Nazi memorabilia

-drawing

-marijuana

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gifts from the Jersey Shore

1. Snooki Slippers (snookislippers.com): What's round, brown and smells like pickles? If you guessed reality television superstar Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (AKA "Snicks" "Snickers" "The Princess of Pickles" "Shorty McOrangeface"), you're right! She's great, right? I mean, she's on TV all the time, so that must mean she's something special, right? Right?

And this Christmas, you too can have that "Snooki look" everyone is raving about. At least your feet can. That's right, for the first time ever, Nicole Polizzi is offering America a chance to own a piece of regrettable television history: Snooki Slippers. They're modeled after the slippers Snooki wears on her hit Mtv program, Jersey Shore. You can snag yourself a pair of Snooki's Leopard Print or Snooki's Pink and White Snooki Slippers for a mere $24.99 and instantly become the envy of all the weirdly tanned teenagers you hang around with for some reason.

But why settle with being boring? You've been boring all your dull, dreary life. Live a little and get yourself some animal-shaped Snooki Slippers! Snooki offers hippo, tiger face, armadillo carcass, and sea turtle (which disturb me personally the very most!) slippers among many others. You can also get your Snooki Slippers in this horribly shitty design. Did a unicorn just throw up on your feet? Maybe, but you'll never know unless you cough up the twenty bucks to find out. Does the Christmas fun ever stop?

2. Music from the Shore: Not sure what to get the music lover in your life this Christmas? How about a cassingle (they still make those, right?) of the latest song from your favorite cast member of the Jersey Shore? I can only pick one? Awwwww.

Two members of the cast--Angelina Pivarnick and Disc Jockey Paul DelVecchio--released songs this year, both of which are available on iTunes. Yes, the real iTunes!

In her song, "I'm Hot," we learn that Angelina is "busting all the doors down in Hollywood" (Really? Do you mean, like, she's making deals to star in major motion pictures and develop future television projects or that she has turned to a life of crime, specifically breaking and entering?), that she is hot like "an ice cream cone with a cherry on top" (Well, that's just ruined ice cream, Angie.), that one time she "hopped a cop" and "popped his crop" (What?), and that bitches who refuse to "step off" will get punched in the face. It really is the feel good hit of the year. The idea (fact?) that Ms. Pivarnick is not actually "hot"--ie popular, talented at singing/rapping, physically attractive--doesn't seem to phase her, so, in it's own way, "I'm Hot" is a loony, delusional classic. But in most other ways it is just plain terrible.

The less said about DJ Pauly D's "(It's Time To) Beat Dat Beat" the better. All you need to know is that earlier this year the AOL Radio Blog honored Pauly D's cheesy anthem to extreme douchebaggery with the title of worst song ever.

3. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore: Some books are meant to be read on the toilet. Some books are meant to be thrown into the toilet. Mike "The Situation" Sorretino's Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore is the first book in history made to be used as a toilet. A must-read for frustrated unpublished writers looking for one last reason to kill themselves.

List Lady: Sister Wives (Episode 2)

List Lady, or should I say Pissed Lady, was sitting downstairs on this lovely fall afternoon with a box full of Zaxby's ready to watch polygamists. I turned on the TV and the cable box, list the DVRed shows, and what do I find?? No Sister Wives - 18 episodes of Fringe, but no freakin' Sister Wives. Even though I do have more time to watch TV, I watch nowhere nearly as much TV as Mr. List Lady does. All I ask is for my one or two shows to stay on the DVR and NOT get erased; obviously, that's too much to ask.

So, instead of a Sister Wives-inspired list, here is my list:

Top 5 things I hate

1. DVR control freaks - people who monitor the DVR endlessly and obsess over how much space a show takes up. Just set it on the non-HD channel - I don't really need to see Kody in HD!

2. Excessive movie collections - what's the point?

3. Laundry rooms full of pointless crap - do we really need five totes full video tapes containing home-recorded Simpsons episodes?

4. The phrase "rewired"

5. Cell phones that don't cooperate

Hopefully, the technical difficulties will be resolved before next week's miraculous episode which features the birth of Truely.

New TV Time: Sister Wives

Guess who’s back? List Lady’s back! After many long semesters of graduate classes and unpaid internships, I return to the world of television…oh, how I’ve missed you, sweet, sweet TV!

It really took me a while to figure out what show I could bring me out of retirement on GEP. Glee? Too cliché (and I love it too much, meaning I only have good things to say). ANTM? Too boring and too much Tyra. The Office? Too old. Running Wilde? Too close to being cancelled at any point in time. Kate plus Eight? Too much Kate, not enough Ed Hardy wearing douchbaggery. But, that did get me thinking about the new TLC fall lineup, where I found this gem of a show, Sister Wives.

Going into this show, I had no idea what the topic of the list would be. I figured I’d hate it. I’d hate the people – I mean, come on, who wouldn’t hate someone who names their children: Aspyn, Mykelti, Paedon, Gwendlyn, Ysabel, and Truly ( there should be an “e” in Truly, but Word thinks it’s smarter than sister wife, Christine). I’d hate the polygamy. I’d hate the hairstyles (I was assuming they would be Duggar-esque).

So, my list topic for the first episode surprised even myself – Reasons why the Browns are more normal than the Duggars.

1. They are fundamentalist Mormons, but they still live in the modern-day real world. They use cell phones and text. They send their children to school…albeit, a school for children of polygamists, but can you blame them for not wanting to send them to public school with 3 moms? Try explaining why your homework is signed by a different person each night!

2. They have hairstyles that are not from the mid 90s.

3. The women are encouraged and expected to have real aspirations and lives outside of family and babies. Janelle (the 2nd wife) likes to work outside the home more than being home with the kids all day. It’s kind of crazy, but I could actually see some of the benefits to polygamy…

4. Some of the kids’ names are crazy, but at least they don’t all start with the same letter.

5. They aren’t overbearing with their religion. The parents said that they would be okay if their kids “… live their lifestyle [polygamy] or have no religion at all”. They “try” to pray at the end of the night, but it usually only happens 3 times a week – can you imagine THAT happening in Duggarville?

6. The women wear pants. And stylish clothes. And have normal hairstyles...oh, I think I said that already. Kody’s hair is a little crazy, but if I had to keep track of 3 wives and a fiancée, I think my hair might look like that, too.

7. They have problems – it’s not all sunshine and roses and family hoedowns.

8. They have been called pligs and pliglets, and they can laugh about it.

Okay, so Christine (wife 3) is a little crazy for not having a toaster based on the “fact” that toasters kill more people per year than sharks, and Kody needs to lay off the “101 Polygamist Jokes and Funny Phrases” book while he is doing his interviews, but other than that, I really kind of liked them. I’m intrigued to see how it will work out for Robin, the fiancée, who is looking to join the family with her 3 kids. Honestly, if I were one of Kody’s current wives, I’d be jealous ‘cuz Robin is younger and hotter than the current ones…maybe they’ll be a big cat fight or something. Stay tuned for more yummy polygamist goodness and let’s all watch TLC destroy yet another family!

The Reality Report: Reality TV in Upheaval

1. Teen Mom (Mtv): My favorite reality show of all-time is back for a second season and, praise the Creator God, all of the original cast members have returned: Amber, the young, bipolar woman whose eyes continuously leak black sludge; Gary, Amber's lumpy life-mate; Tyler and Catelynn, the cutest couple since this kitten and puppy; Maci, TV's cutest redneck; Ryan, an asshole; and Farrah, this seasons break-out star. Season 2 has only been running three weeks, and, so far, Farrah's parents have displayed more erratic, downright insane behavior than most mental patients are capable of in a whole lifetime of crazy. Farrah's birthday dinner with Sophia, her 1-year-old daughter, in the most recent episode was as heartbreaking as it was darkly hilarious. I watched with mouth agape as Farrah's repeated attempts to share an intimate moment with her child were brazenly interrupted by the inane babbling of her supremely effed up parents. The other teen mom's stories have seemed a bit contrived this season, but Farrah's tale of woe has been uncomfortably funny, disturbing and sad. And isn't that what we look for in our reality TV? I know I do.

2. American Idol (Fox): The news of Ellen's departure and Kara's dismissal from their judging duties is old news by this point, as is the announcement of J-lo's triumphant (?) return to the small screen as the new Paula, a dubious honor really, and the possibility of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler taking the Cowell seat, much to the chagrin of bandmate, Joe Perry. Listen, Idol fan or not (I am mostly "not"), Simon Cowell was American Idol. Sure, Paula made struggling, untalented teenagers feel good about themselves by describing the rainbow of colors only she could see surrounding them, and Randy Jackson is good for a "you did your thing, dawg" or two, but Cowell made the show interesting. He was honest, brutally honest. Contestants strove to impress Cowell, and only Cowell. If he said, "Jump," they asked, "Into what ocean and how long should I submerge myself?" I'm not familiar with Steven Tyler outside of his snazzy microphone stands and fish lips, but there is no way he will bring the delightfully cruelty that Cowell made an American Idol tradition.

So, who then if not Tyler. Well, how about another completely unknown, British music producing asshole? Who the hell, in the US anyway, knew who Simon Cowell was when American Idol first debuted 50 years ago? "Who's this English bloke in the tight black t-shirt think he is telling our nation's teenagers that they can't carry a tune or would be better off performing in a Busch Gardens barbershop quartet?" we collectively asked. One season later, America had Cowell Fever. I contracted quite a severe case in 2003. The only cure turned out to be watching each episode religiously with my dear friend, Nick. But, anyway, there have got to be hundreds of acerbic, asshole Brits who would love the job.

Or why don't they just hire this guy:

Toby Young is the funniest, most assholey British guy ever! You think it was fun watching Simon crush young people's dreams, Toby would take it to a whole new level, guaranteed.

3. Celebrity Grilled Cheese Challenge (The Cooking Channel): The Cooking Channel, or TCC, as the cool kids call it, finally released the cast list for the first season of what I think will probably be the best celebrity cooking challenge reality show of all time. And who are the lucky celebs?:

*Bobby Brown ("On Our Own" from Ghostbusters II)

*Henry Winkler (I Could Never Be Your Woman)

*Bianca Nardi (of being allegedly sexually harassed by Maury Povich)

*Ian Walsh (the police officer who punched that 17-year-old girl in the face in Seattle)

*Joseph Utsler, aka Shaggy 2 Dope (of mean clown rapping)

*Lady Sovereign (the "shortest midget in the game")

*Stephen Baldwin (Silent Warnings, the upcoming I'm In Love With a Church Girl)

*Muggsy Bogues (motivational speaker/short guy)

I'm pretty excited. I bet the Fonz can make a pretty mean grilled cheese.

4. Hell's Kitchen: Once again, the final two chefs battling for a chance to "run" one of Gordon Ramsay's multi-million dollar restaurants, are a hot chick and lumpy weirdo. Tradition says the hot chick wins and Hell's Kitchen ain't much for surprises, so, yeah, expect Holli to prevail.

5. Jon and Kate Plus 8 (TLC): Yours truly was blocked by Jon Gosselin on Twitter this week. I'm awesome, right? I've been mercilessly trashing the one-time reality star for months now, but apparently this is what sent him over the edge:

giantpengy: Tanking up for a day of douchebaggery! RT @jongosselin1 making breakfast!!

A little touchy, don't you think? Sheesh.

6. Ghost Dog Whisperer (Animal Planet 2): Did you know that ghost dogs are responsible for 2/3 of all ghost infestations in America? It's true maybe. That's where the ghost dog whisperer comes in. This exciting new show doesn't start until September, but the critical buzz is already so nonexistent, it's deafening. It'll probably be like all those other ghost hunting shows where a bunch of douchebags run around in the dark breathing heavy, but don't actually see or hear anything. Expect a lot of whispering. And, no, Forest Whitaker does not make an appearance.

That's the Reality Report, bitches!

Michael Jackson: 1 Year Later

Believe it or not, it was a year ago today that Michael Jackson, the once and future King of Pop, passed away. It feels like only yesterday I first heard the news and uttered, "Oh, yeah?"

I'm sorry to say that one year later Michael Jackson is still totally dead. It wasn't an elaborate ruse, like so many of us hoped, but rather an actual, 100% authentic death brought on by massive amounts of ill-gotten narcotics administered to him by a subhuman quack. Jackson is gone and the sooner ya'll can deal with it the better. You don't have to throw away your officially licensed MJ Bobbleheads or homemade sparkly gloves, but putting them in storage might be a step in the right direction to recovery. Spend the day listening to your favorite Michael songs (I'll have the soundtrack to Captain Eo on repeat myself) and then, I don't know, move on to someone more, well, alive.

As far as I know, on the day Michael died, I was the only "journalist" asking, "What about Bubbles? Has someone told Bubbles the bad news? Dammit, won't someone think about Bubbles!?" Well, it turns out someone was thinking about Bubbles. Unfortunately for Bubbles, it was LaToya Jackson. Her emotional reunion with Jackson's chimpanzee ward was caught on tape by Animal Planet cameramen for a special entitled Michael Jackson & Bubbles: The Untold Story, and it went a little something like this:

I can't tell. Is Bubbles...

A. too pissed off to look LaToya in the eyes because he hasn't stopped thinking about the day the Jackson's dumped him off at the chimp reserve when he got too big to wear his miniature Michael Jackson costumes?

B. wondering why the lady crying in his face and repeating his name over and over isn't serving him lunch?

C. utterly confused ("They told me Michael was dead, but he's standing here right in front of me. What gives?")?

D. farting?

Anyway, celebrate the life of Michael Jackson any way you want to today. Then shut the hell up about it, OK?

What About Jon?

It's been awhile since we've checked in with our old buddy Jon Gosselin, but after last week's announcement that his ex-wife, Kate, would appear on Season 10 of ABC's dreadful, confusingly- titled Dancing with the Stars (Yes, you read that correctly, Season 10! This hunk of garbage is entering it's 10th season!), I was curious to find out whether or not Jon had anything lined up. The last time I'd seen Gosselin on TV was when America's sweetheart, Nancy Grace, was berating him and his fake-diamond earrings on The Insider, which is apparently an actual television program and not a Tim and Eric-style goof. Kate Gosselin and her weave are getting a second change at reality fame," I said to myself, for I was alone, as I usually am. "When will it be Jon's turn?"

Let's face it, it's been tough going for everybody's favorite Ed Hardy-shirted, half-Asian mega douche. First, he lost his lawsuit against TLC, the basic cable station that used the disintegration of his marriage to make millions of dollars. Next, ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, as well as Kate, discussed the size of Jon's penis with the press, as if that were something anybody on the planet actually cared about (Glassman told the publication, Steppin' Out, that Gosselin's member was "tiny, tiny, tiny," while in the pages of US Kate divulged her nickname for it: stubby. Classy, ladies. Real classy). Then there was that insulting offer from Playgirl.

I'm not going to lie. I was one of the first people to jump on the Eff Jon Gosselin and His Endless Douchbaggery bandwagon. Hell, I paid hard-earned money to take my parents to a Jon and Kate live appearance. I bought a family photo adorned with verses from the Bible for $20. I met the Gosselins face-to-face and told them that I liked their show. I think my bitterness was more than justified. But when a man's dick gets dragged out and verbally assaulted in public, it is opinion that the things have kind of "jumped off the rails" as they say. I don't know who "they" are, but I assume they're train conductors.

So, Jon, I want to apologize. I've said some horrible things about you and your deteriorating parenting skills and your stupid tiger shirts and your sense of entitlement, but no more. No, as a man with both thinning hair and a penis (though not one as allegedly miniscule as your penis), I've decided to stop insulting you and instead offer up some ideas on how you can make your own Kate Gosselin-style career reboot. Obviously, Season 10 of Dancing with the Stars is out. It might get a little awkward backstage. Season 11, maybe? But why wait for a phone call that may never, ever come. Here are some serious ideas that you can pounce on right now.
1. I have an inkling that you are already prepping for my first idea, even though I haven't heard any solid reports at this time, but how about appearing on the next season of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club? You are totally qualified. One: you're not an actual celebrity. Two: you're not too terribly overweight. Three: you come across like a real egomaniacal jerk-off. It's a perfect marriage. I think a couple more impromptu vacations to France with Michael Lohan, a couple more rich, Parisian meals out, and you'll have a gut worthy of Video Hits 1, my friend.

2. Four words: Celebrity Chili Cook-Off Challenge! Heard of it? Of course you haven't, dummy, because it's an original concept I've been developing in my free time for the past three years. I don't want you to get too excited, but Bravo is interested, and by "is" I mean "will be" when someone actually returns my calls (The ball's in your court, Bravo). Here's the idea: A bunch of celebrities make chili and a panel of judges picks the best one. It's so simple, I can't believe Mark Burnett has done it yet. And he better not. I know you read this blog, Burnett, and if you steal my idea, I swear, I'll get you. Sleep with one eye open, sir.

Not convinced, Jon. Well, try this on for size. I'm thiiiis close to getting Canadian pop superstar Justin Bieber to sign on. And Wendy "The Snapple Lady" Kaufman has shown interest. Bobby Brown won't stop blowing up my phone. Get in on the ground floor on this one, Goz. Can I call you Goz?
3. I don't know if a lot of people know this, but you are a funny dude. I've seen this cat live on stage, everybody, and let me tell you, whenever Kate actually let him get a word in, he was electric! He has this laid-back style that almost sounds like he's talking in his sleep. But he's fully awake! Seriously! So, why not hit the road with a stand-up act? Workshop some jokes, perfect your craft, create a solid set, then take the logical next step: HBO special. I've already got the title: Jon Gosselin: A Joke Tellin' Jokes. It's self-deprecating. People love that. They also love boob jokes.

4. Get your old job back. There's no shame in becoming a private citizen again. Even better: start your own business and work from the home. You can be with your kids all the time. While your ex is off dancing with stars and hocking her stupid books, you can be at home with the brood. Just being around them will guarantee that when Hannah grows up and writes that tell-all memoir, you come out as the hero. (Hey, Hannah, I got the title for you if you want it: Growing Up Gosselin: How TLC Ripped My Family Apart and Put Me Through College)

5. Become a spokesman for dick enhancement pills. It'll show you have a sense of humor about your stubby little pecker. And they really work. I mean, that's what I've heard.