Reality Bits: British people are as bad as we are. Maybe worse.

This video has been popping up a lot on the old Facebook this week:



From what I've gathered, people are posting and re-posting this clip from Britain's Got Talent's 2012 auditions because it is inspiring or something. Usually the poster has included some version of the old cliche "you can't judge a book by its cover" when sharing said video, which is odd because by this point in the evolution of reality-based competition shows, everybody, regardless if they watch the program in question or not, understands that when an overweight, unattractive, awkward human being shuffles to center stage and lifts a microphone to his or her pudgy, sweat-drenched face, the voice coming out of that face is gonna be supernaturally amazing. Would millions of people waste their time sharing a YouTube clip of a fat kid who sings like a donkey? Probably not. When I see a weirdo on a reality show--and I mean a super duper weirdo--I just assume that he is going to bring the house down. A fat, awkward, weird cover usually means the book is gonna be pretty great. And a little boring, because we've seen it countless times before.

I'm not posting this video to shame the fringe "friends" who shared the Charlotte and Jonathan opera video on Facebook. And I'm not posting it to poke fun at Jonathan for his weight or his hair or his awkwardness. This isn't elementary school and I'm not a third grade bully. The fact that Jonathan looks like Dan Fogler if he ate Jack Black whole isn't the point. The point is who the hell listens to opera?!?

I mean, c'mon! When Charlotte and Jonathan get into it, fine, it's pretty intense. "Wow," I thought, "that kid is singing the shit out of some opera. Do it, son!" I get the audience's initial reaction. They can't believe this is the same shy kid that shambled onto stage deferring to his partner and playing with his hair. I do get it. But then things get a little silly. Audience members are shown nearly falling out of their seats and quietly sobbing to themselves. Then comes the standing ovation. It's all a bit much, no?

But, fine, this Jonathan guy is pretty good (I agree with Simon that Charlotte seems like deadweight). Stand for him. Cry into your folded hands. Clap until your palms bleed. Post a video of him singing on your Facebook page and claim him as your Messiah. But don't you dare try to tell me that you enjoy opera music. You don't and you never have! Seriously! The friends of mine who posted this dumb thing have never, to my knowledge, mentioned opera any other time on FB.

I don't follow Britain's Got Talent, so I don't know (or care) how Jonathan and Charlotte have fared this season, but from the reaction of the audience and the judges--my favorite comes at the 3:00 mark--these two could go all the way. And that's the problem with these reality talent shows. The weirdest people are rewarded. Like, what happens if Jonathan and Charlotte win and get some kind of record deal? Will they record an album of opera standards? Then what? A tour? A second album? There's no way that happens! Even if every hardcore opera fan on the planet bought their debut album, Charlotte and Jonathan are guaranteed to fade into obscurity within a year of its release.

It's like America's Got Talent when ventriloquist/impressionist/singer/wife-abandoner Terry Fader won. American's like ventriloquism that much? There's no way they do! Ventriloquism is antiquated and dumb. And not funny. Who is entertained by a ventriloquist? I mean really entertained?

Look, Britain, the best thing you can do for Jonathan and the girl-shaped albatross tied around his, um, let's say neck, is to boot him off of Britain's Got Talent as soon as possible. Let him move forward with a serious opera career. Don't string him along, convince him he'll be the biggest thing since fish and chips, only to abandon him for the next boy band that spawns from your jolly ole sewers and slowly conquers the world's hearts and minds. Let Jonathan go. It's for the best.

Dr. Fistpump or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Shore

This Thursday--or "Jerzday" as it's known in the Lawson house--marks the end of a glorious era. On March 15, 2012, America says its final good-byes to The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki, Ronnie, Sammi Sweetheart, Vinny, Jwoww, Deena, the Duck Phone, Danny, The Shore Store, Karma, and the Seaside Heights Police Department. I think I'll miss you most of all, Duck Phone. I never figured out if you were quacking or farting. I guess...we'll...never...know...

In this paragraph, which I'm going to go ahead and call "The Second Paragraph," I'm guessing most of you are expecting me to crack wise on Mtv's reality horror show that was Jersey Shore. Many of you probably want me to poke fun at Snooki for her unnatural love of pickles and showing her vagina to any and every one. Or complain about how Mike tries to work his ridiculous nickname into every other sentence. Or scoff at Vinnie's "Let Go and Let God" chest tattoo. Or compare Jwoww's appearance in the final season to that of an anorexic praying mantis. Or suggest that instead of a brain, Deena's skull contains a spinning hamster wheel. You might be expecting these things, but you will not get them, because I, Matt Lawson, very much like Jersey Shore.

I love that Snooki loves pickles so much. I love pickles too! I like that Deena is dumb. I don't tune in to watch her do math equations on a giant white board. I watch because she gets drunk and falls off of couches. Watching Ronnie punch some greased up guido in the chops is like listening to a beautiful symphony. Seeing Jwoww parade around in a series of outfits that would embarrass a stripper puts a little spring in my step. And, let's face it, Pauly D and Vinny's budding bromance is one of the most fulfilling and beautiful relationships on television today. They love each other so friggin' much, bro!

I don't know why I like Jersey Shore so much. On the surface, it does not appear to be in my wheelhouse, as "they" say. I don't hang around with douchebags in my day-to-day life, and yet I tune in to watch these douchebags drink, fight, hump, and stab each other in the back every Thursday night. And I don't think they're douchebags. Anymore. I did when Season 1 reared it's greasy head waaaaaaay back in 2009. "Ugh, what's this, a sideshow?" I snarked, tuning in to point and laugh at the stupid dumb dummies. Then those same tanned stupids were whisked off to Miami and I was all, like, "Oh brudder, I don't know how much more of these dum-dums I can take." And then I realized I was watching every episode. And not just once. I would watch the same episode over and over again. My wife and I would lose ourselves in Jersey Shore weekend marathons. I found myself rooting for Snooki in her quest to smoosh Vinny. I wept alongside Ronnie and Sammi as they attempted to navigate the minefield that is First Love. I cheered each time Pauly D bellowed one of his charming catch phrases ("Yeah, buddy!; "Cabs are heah!"; "Oh, yeah, [INSERT WORD HERE], yeah!). I didn't just want to watch MVP enjoy T-shirt Time...I wanted to be there enjoying T-shirt Time with them!

Listen, I don't know what it is about Jersey Shore that keeps me coming back like a junkie. Maybe it's that whole "everybody likes a good train wreck" thing, though, to be honest, I'm not really that into checking out train wrecks. They're probably pretty awful, all that twisted metal and severed limbs strewn every which way. Jersey Shore isn't a train wreck, but I don't know what it is. It's dumb people doing things I hate (excessive drinking, going to clubs, working out, etc.), yet I can't get enough.

Obviously my love of Jersey Shore is something I've got to work through and I'm going to do so all this week, as we countdown the days until we all say our final good-byes. I don't know what a world without Jersey Shore is going to look like, to be honest with you. Probably a little less orange, but maybe a little less fun too.

Reality Bits: Food

Program: Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern

Episode: Vietnam

I love food. I especially love delicious food. Food of all kinds, really. I have my favorites. I'm a huge sushi guy. I'll eat just about anything in taco form. I'd eat dinner at a Chinese or Indian buffet every night if it were humanly possible. I sincerely believe that everything tastes better when dipped in hummus. And pizza still tops my list of culinary favs.

I'm also open to new food experiences, so I've decided to tackle this and future episodes of Bizarre Foods with a little game I'm calling WOULD I EAT IT?

The following is a list of some of the more bizarre foods Andrew Zimmern samples in this episode of his Travel Channel program. Following each food, I will answer the question, WOULD I EAT IT? and offer a short explanation if I feel one is necessary. I encourage all of you to play along at home.

1. a cobra that has been killed in front of me? Yes, but only because Zimmern describes the flavor as a combination of eel and chicken, two things I actually like.



2. Fried snake bones w/ crackers (pictured above)? Yes. It looks so yummy and crispy!

3. Still-beating cobra heart? No.

4. Deep-fried snake skin? Yes. Like pork cracklins, only snake. You hand me a bowl of something salty and crunchy, I don't care whose skin it is, I'm gonna eat it.

5. Fried snakehead fish? Yes. Zimmern eats this in a restaurant in Hanoi that serves nothing but fried snakehead fish and it looks delicious. And fun. Eating an order of fried snakehead fish is, like, a delicious activity. And the fish might have what appears to be a snake's head, but they didn't serve it (surprise, surprise), so, no problem.

6. Head-on roasted sparrow, bones and all (pictured above between Zimmern's chopsticks)? Hell no! I don't eat anything with it's head still attached.

7. Scorpions? No.

8. 32-inch bull penis w/ testicles? I would consider eating this Vietnamese delicacy if it were chopped up and shoved into a burrito maybe, but when Zimmern orders it, it looks like, well, a penis. Does it have to still look like a dick to count or something?


9. Civet coffee? I don't see why I need to drink coffee brewed from beans shat out by some weird rodent. Just bring me a regular coffee, light cream, light sugar. What do I need to prove?

10. Fried silkworms? No. It was just a pile of worms some lady tossed around in a wok for five minutes. Dress it up a little.

11. Ca say (AKA, "weird, Vietnamese hybrid duck")? Even Zimmern hates this thing, so, no.

12. Shipworms? They come with their own natural stuffing made from the wood pulp of which their regular diet consists. Again, Zimmern says they're gross, so, I'm out.

13. Mantis prawn? Zimmern describes its flavor as "sweeter than lobster, with the texture of crab." Sounds like a tasty combination to me. Mantis prawn also has the distinction of being the weirdest looking creature Zimmern has ever shoved into his piehole.

So, how many of these bizarre foods would you eat? Let me know in the comments section.