Holiday Wishlist 2010: The 11 Best T-Shirts of 2010

Note to readers: I have provided links to the various Web sites at which these t-shirts can be found, so feel free to buy one or more for me this holiday season, you know, as kind of a thank you for providing you with all kinds of hilarious content all year long. I wear a size XL t-shirt typically, but an L would be perfectly acceptable.

11. Jesus Loves You/Say Anything

I wonder how Jesus is at kickboxing?

10. Friday the 12th

Poor Jason. First he drowned in Crystal Lake. Then his mom went nuts and killed a bunch of horny teens. Then he got duped and run through with a machete. Then he was in 3-D. Then he got chopped up by a young Corey Feldman. Eventually he went to Hell. Then he was in outer space for some reason. Somewhere in there he fought Freddy Krueger. And now this. Sigh.

9. Hobbes Eats Calvin

The only unauthorized use of Bill Watterson's Calvin character that GEP approves of. Doesn't look like he'll be urinating on anything any time soon. Or ever again.

8. True Evolution

Evolution made easy. Finally

7. Pezidents of the United States

I'm not a political junkie, but I get some of what's going on in the above group shot (George Bush puking; Clinton with a cigar; Carter spitting peanuts, etc.), but why are Presidents Obama and Jackson tongue kissing? Perhaps I'll bring this up in our next Talkin' Politics article. Probably not.

6. Scott Pilgrim's Flying Punch

My favorite film of the year. One of my favorite series of graphic novels. Now I want the t-shirt. Is that too much to ask?

5. Rainbow Pasta

The 2nd most adorable t-shirt on this list. The 2nd most horrifying. The 1st most adorably horrifying.

4. Sweet Ride

I could to this, but my wife doesn't like me with a mustache. Sigh.

3. Partly Cloudy

The most adorable t-shirt on this list. I could just eat it up with a spoon, but I'd rather wear it.

2. Biblical Disaster

How do you know this isn't how it happened?

1. Bat and Robin

Maybe the best t-shirt ever. You can trust me, I'm a t-shirt expert.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gifts from the Jersey Shore

1. Snooki Slippers (snookislippers.com): What's round, brown and smells like pickles? If you guessed reality television superstar Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (AKA "Snicks" "Snickers" "The Princess of Pickles" "Shorty McOrangeface"), you're right! She's great, right? I mean, she's on TV all the time, so that must mean she's something special, right? Right?

And this Christmas, you too can have that "Snooki look" everyone is raving about. At least your feet can. That's right, for the first time ever, Nicole Polizzi is offering America a chance to own a piece of regrettable television history: Snooki Slippers. They're modeled after the slippers Snooki wears on her hit Mtv program, Jersey Shore. You can snag yourself a pair of Snooki's Leopard Print or Snooki's Pink and White Snooki Slippers for a mere $24.99 and instantly become the envy of all the weirdly tanned teenagers you hang around with for some reason.

But why settle with being boring? You've been boring all your dull, dreary life. Live a little and get yourself some animal-shaped Snooki Slippers! Snooki offers hippo, tiger face, armadillo carcass, and sea turtle (which disturb me personally the very most!) slippers among many others. You can also get your Snooki Slippers in this horribly shitty design. Did a unicorn just throw up on your feet? Maybe, but you'll never know unless you cough up the twenty bucks to find out. Does the Christmas fun ever stop?

2. Music from the Shore: Not sure what to get the music lover in your life this Christmas? How about a cassingle (they still make those, right?) of the latest song from your favorite cast member of the Jersey Shore? I can only pick one? Awwwww.

Two members of the cast--Angelina Pivarnick and Disc Jockey Paul DelVecchio--released songs this year, both of which are available on iTunes. Yes, the real iTunes!

In her song, "I'm Hot," we learn that Angelina is "busting all the doors down in Hollywood" (Really? Do you mean, like, she's making deals to star in major motion pictures and develop future television projects or that she has turned to a life of crime, specifically breaking and entering?), that she is hot like "an ice cream cone with a cherry on top" (Well, that's just ruined ice cream, Angie.), that one time she "hopped a cop" and "popped his crop" (What?), and that bitches who refuse to "step off" will get punched in the face. It really is the feel good hit of the year. The idea (fact?) that Ms. Pivarnick is not actually "hot"--ie popular, talented at singing/rapping, physically attractive--doesn't seem to phase her, so, in it's own way, "I'm Hot" is a loony, delusional classic. But in most other ways it is just plain terrible.

The less said about DJ Pauly D's "(It's Time To) Beat Dat Beat" the better. All you need to know is that earlier this year the AOL Radio Blog honored Pauly D's cheesy anthem to extreme douchebaggery with the title of worst song ever.

3. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore: Some books are meant to be read on the toilet. Some books are meant to be thrown into the toilet. Mike "The Situation" Sorretino's Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore is the first book in history made to be used as a toilet. A must-read for frustrated unpublished writers looking for one last reason to kill themselves.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gay Coffins

Still not sure what to get Uncle Rodney, the "confirmed bachelor" who always brings his "friend" Stephen to Christmas dinner, for Baby Jesus's birthday? How 'bout a coffin? But not just any coffin: a gay coffin.

What is a gay coffin, you ask? Well, for one thing, it is not a coffin who enjoys the sexual company of other same-sex coffins, as I originally thought, but rather, a coffin for the remains of an expired homosexual. But what makes a gay coffin different than your regular old straight coffin, like the one your granny is currently enjoying her eternal rest within, provided she wasn't incinerated or lost by an airline on a magical island somewhere off the coast of Australia? That's easy, and more than a little offensive, largely to the gay community, I'd reckon: gay coffins are covered in pictures of naked young men cavorting. No, really.

The gay coffins in question where the creations of two weird undertakers from Berlin, Thomas Brandl and Michael Koenigsfeld. But Brandl and Koenigsfeld aren't merely slapping pictures of muscle-bound dudes on coffin lids, they also offer rainbow colored urns and private burials "around a tree reserved exclusively for homosexuals." I'll let the morning zoo crew hosts among us offer ideas on what kind of trees might work best for a gay burial. I don't run that kind of blog.

So, why do gay people need special coffins, huh? Those boring old oak boxes are good enough for all of us heterosexual slobs, eh, but not for you? Brandl offers a reason:

"We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life[.]"

Yep, surrounded by naked, muscular hunks. Sigh.

Holiday Wishlist 2010: The Carstache

If there's one thing every American can agree on, it's that mustaches are totally boss. I mean, whose face hasn't been improved by the addition of a bushy strip of hair between the nose and lips? Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliot, Freddie Mercury, Borat, Cap'n Crunch--great men made all the greater by the facial hair they chose to sport.

But why should rugged, manly-types get all the mustaches, huh? And why should mustaches be limited to just human beings? The creators of the Carstache asked themselves that exact question for some reason. Their answer: mustaches shouldn't be exclusive to the human race! Everybody and everything should be able to experience the beauty and majesty of having a mustache, you know, except for women, because that would be totes gross. Hence, the Carstache was born.

Sure, the Carstache--quite literally a detachable mustache for the grill of your car that comes in 6 exciting colors: black, grey, blonde, orange, purple, and neon pink--will make your vehicle the talk of the town--provided nothing else of even the most miniscule importance has happened in the town you call home in the previous weeks--but will it change your life?

YES, it will make it better.

We made the Carstache® purely because we think it’s funny and it makes people smile. No other reason. When people see a Carstache® on the streets they laugh, wave, thumbs-up, fist pump, gun flex, wink wink, kiss kiss, you name it.

(Gun flex? That sounds vaguely threatening.)

Some of you will rock Carstaches on a day to day basis, and for that you are awesome. For most the Carstache® is a sensational flare piece for events and special occasions like tailgates, birthdays, bachelor parties, Bar Mitzvah’s, Father’s Day, weddings, Halloween, Cinco-de-Mustache, etc… When you drive into a tailgate with a Carstache® you get free beer, hot dogs, and high fives.

(For reals? There isn't much I wouldn't do for free beer and hot dogs. I probably wouldn't participate in a kidnapping. Probably.)

From the Hills of Hollywood to the Plains of Panama to the Alps of Awesometown, let it be known that the Carstache® is hangin' loose and ready to ride! Your car grille has been naked until now. It’s time to ‘stache up and feel the power!

So, yeah, I guess the Carstache has all the answers we've been looking for. And, hell, apparently the Carstache can help one to "channel the power of true American Legends" like Magnum PI, Hulk Hogan, and Gandalf.

You can purchase your very own Carstache right here. I suggest buying a few. One never knows which Carstache a particular situation might call for.

UPDATE: A friend on our Facebook page--by the way, are you friends with us yet?--turned us onto another "hilarious" bit of accoutrement for your motor vehicle: CarLashes, the eyelashes for your car! Now all my car needs is eyebrows, novelty nerd glasses, and eyeballs of some kind. Thanks, Internet!