1. Teen Mom (Mtv): My favorite reality show of all-time is back for a second season and, praise the Creator God, all of the original cast members have returned: Amber, the young, bipolar woman whose eyes continuously leak black sludge; Gary, Amber's lumpy life-mate; Tyler and Catelynn, the cutest couple since this kitten and puppy; Maci, TV's cutest redneck; Ryan, an asshole; and Farrah, this seasons break-out star. Season 2 has only been running three weeks, and, so far, Farrah's parents have displayed more erratic, downright insane behavior than most mental patients are capable of in a whole lifetime of crazy. Farrah's birthday dinner with Sophia, her 1-year-old daughter, in the most recent episode was as heartbreaking as it was darkly hilarious. I watched with mouth agape as Farrah's repeated attempts to share an intimate moment with her child were brazenly interrupted by the inane babbling of her supremely effed up parents. The other teen mom's stories have seemed a bit contrived this season, but Farrah's tale of woe has been uncomfortably funny, disturbing and sad. And isn't that what we look for in our reality TV? I know I do.
2. American Idol (Fox): The news of Ellen's departure and Kara's dismissal from their judging duties is old news by this point, as is the announcement of J-lo's triumphant (?) return to the small screen as the new Paula, a dubious honor really, and the possibility of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler taking the Cowell seat, much to the chagrin of bandmate, Joe Perry. Listen, Idol fan or not (I am mostly "not"), Simon Cowell was American Idol. Sure, Paula made struggling, untalented teenagers feel good about themselves by describing the rainbow of colors only she could see surrounding them, and Randy Jackson is good for a "you did your thing, dawg" or two, but Cowell made the show interesting. He was honest, brutally honest. Contestants strove to impress Cowell, and only Cowell. If he said, "Jump," they asked, "Into what ocean and how long should I submerge myself?" I'm not familiar with Steven Tyler outside of his snazzy microphone stands and fish lips, but there is no way he will bring the delightfully cruelty that Cowell made an American Idol tradition.
So, who then if not Tyler. Well, how about another completely unknown, British music producing asshole? Who the hell, in the US anyway, knew who Simon Cowell was when American Idol first debuted 50 years ago? "Who's this English bloke in the tight black t-shirt think he is telling our nation's teenagers that they can't carry a tune or would be better off performing in a Busch Gardens barbershop quartet?" we collectively asked. One season later, America had Cowell Fever. I contracted quite a severe case in 2003. The only cure turned out to be watching each episode religiously with my dear friend, Nick. But, anyway, there have got to be hundreds of acerbic, asshole Brits who would love the job.
Or why don't they just hire this guy:
Toby Young is the funniest, most assholey British guy ever! You think it was fun watching Simon crush young people's dreams, Toby would take it to a whole new level, guaranteed.
3. Celebrity Grilled Cheese Challenge (The Cooking Channel): The Cooking Channel, or TCC, as the cool kids call it, finally released the cast list for the first season of what I think will probably be the best celebrity cooking challenge reality show of all time. And who are the lucky celebs?:
*Bobby Brown ("On Our Own" from Ghostbusters II)
*Henry Winkler (I Could Never Be Your Woman)
*Bianca Nardi (of being allegedly sexually harassed by Maury Povich)
*Ian Walsh (the police officer who punched that 17-year-old girl in the face in Seattle)
*Joseph Utsler, aka Shaggy 2 Dope (of mean clown rapping)
*Lady Sovereign (the "shortest midget in the game")
*Stephen Baldwin (Silent Warnings, the upcoming I'm In Love With a Church Girl)
*Muggsy Bogues (motivational speaker/short guy)
I'm pretty excited. I bet the Fonz can make a pretty mean grilled cheese.
4. Hell's Kitchen: Once again, the final two chefs battling for a chance to "run" one of Gordon Ramsay's multi-million dollar restaurants, are a hot chick and lumpy weirdo. Tradition says the hot chick wins and Hell's Kitchen ain't much for surprises, so, yeah, expect Holli to prevail.
5. Jon and Kate Plus 8 (TLC): Yours truly was blocked by Jon Gosselin on Twitter this week. I'm awesome, right? I've been mercilessly trashing the one-time reality star for months now, but apparently this is what sent him over the edge:
giantpengy: Tanking up for a day of douchebaggery! RT @jongosselin1 making breakfast!!
A little touchy, don't you think? Sheesh.
6. Ghost Dog Whisperer (Animal Planet 2): Did you know that ghost dogs are responsible for 2/3 of all ghost infestations in America? It's true maybe. That's where the ghost dog whisperer comes in. This exciting new show doesn't start until September, but the critical buzz is already so nonexistent, it's deafening. It'll probably be like all those other ghost hunting shows where a bunch of douchebags run around in the dark breathing heavy, but don't actually see or hear anything. Expect a lot of whispering. And, no, Forest Whitaker does not make an appearance.
That's the Reality Report, bitches!
