OMIGOD, U GUYZ!!!

Did you guys get your exclusive invite to the The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 midnight DVD release party this Friday at Target? I totally did:
I can't wait! This is going to be the best Friday night ever! I don't even know why I was one of the select few to receive this epic Save The Date, but I couldn't feel more honored. You always hope for something this amazingly special to happen to you, but when it actually does...I'm at a loss for words. I feel bad for the slobs that didn't get an invite to this event, an event I'm already calling The Party of the Year!!! I cannot think of a better way to celebrate the DVD release of a poorly-reviewed movie based on a series of mediocre books about an unappealing, sour-faced high school girl who falls in love with a sullen, sparkly, baseball-playing vampire and something about werewolves. Twilight is a high point for American culture, and I'm glad Target is showing it the proper respect.

Besides getting to see a sneak peek of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2, check out all of the cool stuff available for purchase:

--A DVD or Blu-Ray copy of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 with prop flowers from the film's wedding scene jammed inside!

--The The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 official movie soundtrack, featuring songs from Bruno Mars and a bunch of people you've never heard of!

--A gaudy replica engagement ring like the one Bella wears in the movie!

--A Trapper Keeper featuring a collage of shirtless Taylor Lautner pictures, most of them stolen from the actor's personal cell phone!

--A The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 fleece blanket, perfect for smothering the obnoxious Twi-Mom in your life!

--The original Twilight series of novels, perfect for burning on these cold winter nights!

--An official Twilight Saga hammer, perfect for caving in your own skull!

--Twilight stickers!!!

This is gonna be great! I'll see you guys at Target this Friday night! I can hardly wait!!! Team Twilight for life!!!

Who Asked For This: Get Your Mediocre On!

There are video games that give players the experience of being at war. Others give gamers the experience of being a highly-skilled professional athlete. And some can show you what it'd be like to live as an overweight Italian plumber lost in a world where mushrooms make you bigger and turtles are trying to kill you. But has there ever been a video game in existence that has given players the full experience of being a mediocre pop/rap music group? There is now. Behold: The Black Eyed Peas Experience for Xbox and Wii.



Are you serious? Can I really play as will.i.am, Fergie, the guy who isn't will.i.am, and the other guy who isn't will.i.am and might be named Tablet? I don't know who to pick! I love them all so much! And, wow, just look at all the dance moves I get to learn! The Hop Scotch! The Give It Up! The Pantomime! All my favorite moves I've never heard of!

The Black Eyed Peas have to be in video games now? Why won't they just go away? Wahhhhhh!

Who Asked For This???

Hey, do you like the band Train? Of course you don't! How the fuck could anyone like Train? I should be repeatedly punched in the throat for even suggesting that anyone on the planet could even enjoy Train's music even a little bit. I apologize.

Doesn't matter whether or not you like Train however, because they like you. They also like wine. And to show their appreciation for both you and wine, they've decided to release a delicious new wine next month--a wine you can purchase from a store and drink! I don't want to step all over the Train boys' excitement though, so here are the deets from guitarist or whoever Jimmy Stafford's press release:

Hey everyone,

We’ve got some cool news for you today…

We’re so proud to announce that we have partnered with our good friends at Concannon and have created the Save Me San Francisco Wine Company! As you all know well, I like wine, and we figured there is no better way to compliment our Train Wine Club [yeah, that's right, there's a Train Wine Club-ed.] (and my love for wine) than to create our own. It’s been tough to keep this a secret from you, but we think you’ll thoroughly enjoy what we’ve been working on.

It's been tough to keep the secret? Man, these hacks really love wine! Jimmy's practically beside himself about it. But what, pray tell, will this wine be called? I don't want to accidentally walk by it at Food Lion next month and forget to pick up a box.

So now that we have a wine company, that must mean there’s wine, right? “Drops of Jupiter” (could it be more fitting?!) will be our first release...


Ewww.

I like to say that the minute you uncork the bottle, the boysenberry fruit leaps from your glass!


He "likes" to say it, but it probably isn't true.

We’ll chat together very soon about the specific ways to enjoy the wine, but just know in advance that it goes perfect with or without food.


I'd say without food if you are planning on listening to your Train records or attending a Train concert. And if you are a super huge Train fan, I suggest without food but with prescription medications. As many as you can cram in your mouth.

Thepressreleaseendswithsomethingaboutpartoftheproceedsgoingtohelpsickkidsblah blah blah.

All you need to know is that Drops of Jupiter isn't just a shitty song that sadly exists, it is also now a grossly named wine for people who love stupid novelty beverages. Thanks, Train.

Who Asked For This???

Ever popped yourself a delicious bag of microwave popcorn and had your dumb wife and her dumb kids (that's right--her kids) start begging for some? They're all like, "Please, dad, can't we just dump it in a bowl and share this time?" and you're all, "Uh, no. It's Saturday. My day off. I'm not gonna do all kinds of work just because you want some popcorn."

Of course this hasn't happened to you because it takes hardly any effort at all to push yourself off of the couch, find an appropriately-sized bowl, empty the contents of your microwave popcorn bag into it, and share with the loved ones who make each day of your life special and rewarding. The people over at Orville Redenbacher Inc. think you are a lazy son of a bitch however. How else do you explain their latest popcorn innovation?

So, not only are we a nation of lazy microwave popcorn makers, but we're a nation of dummies still impressed with the phoniest of parlor tricks, represented here by the most astoundingly douchey master of parlor trickery, Criss "The Mind Freak" Angel. First of all, if Criss Angel floated down from the heavens and landed on my back porch, the first thing I would say is, "Hi, Mystery from Vh1's The Pickup Artist. What brings you to suburbia this fine evening?" Then after correcting me and barging into my home, demanding that I "come," I'd probably say, "Come in why don't ya," and I assure you it would be both dripping with sarcasm and said under my breath as to avoid Mr. Angel's wrath. He is in league with the Devil after all.

Then let's say he pulls a bag of Orville Redenbacher-brand microwavable popcorn from within his black silk shirt and has the nerve to ask, "Know what this is?" I'm not gonna just stand there and let him continue this weird home invasion. Heck no. I'm going to say, "Yes, Mr. Angel, I do know what that is and I'd like to kindly ask you to place it back under your armpit and leave before I get the authorities involved. And, please, we don't need to bring Satan into this." I assume Mr. Angel would leave and I would go on living my life unaware of a microwavable popcorn bag that turns into a shitty bowl. I'd probably find out from my neighbors the next morning though.

"You'll never guess who landed in my back yard last night and turned a popcorn bag into a bowl?"

I bet I can.