Of course this hasn't happened to you because it takes hardly any effort at all to push yourself off of the couch, find an appropriately-sized bowl, empty the contents of your microwave popcorn bag into it, and share with the loved ones who make each day of your life special and rewarding. The people over at Orville Redenbacher Inc. think you are a lazy son of a bitch however. How else do you explain their latest popcorn innovation?
So, not only are we a nation of lazy microwave popcorn makers, but we're a nation of dummies still impressed with the phoniest of parlor tricks, represented here by the most astoundingly douchey master of parlor trickery, Criss "The Mind Freak" Angel. First of all, if Criss Angel floated down from the heavens and landed on my back porch, the first thing I would say is, "Hi, Mystery from Vh1's The Pickup Artist. What brings you to suburbia this fine evening?" Then after correcting me and barging into my home, demanding that I "come," I'd probably say, "Come in why don't ya," and I assure you it would be both dripping with sarcasm and said under my breath as to avoid Mr. Angel's wrath. He is in league with the Devil after all.
Then let's say he pulls a bag of Orville Redenbacher-brand microwavable popcorn from within his black silk shirt and has the nerve to ask, "Know what this is?" I'm not gonna just stand there and let him continue this weird home invasion. Heck no. I'm going to say, "Yes, Mr. Angel, I do know what that is and I'd like to kindly ask you to place it back under your armpit and leave before I get the authorities involved. And, please, we don't need to bring Satan into this." I assume Mr. Angel would leave and I would go on living my life unaware of a microwavable popcorn bag that turns into a shitty bowl. I'd probably find out from my neighbors the next morning though.
"You'll never guess who landed in my back yard last night and turned a popcorn bag into a bowl?"
I bet I can.
