20. "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (Remix)" (Dr. Elmo & Frank "Killer Bee" Martin)
Know how you make one of the holiday season's most excrementitious songs even worse? Let someone named "Killer Bee" Martin remix it with GarageBand, that's how.
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" was not funny when I was a kid and it's not funny now. And I'm pretty sure Grandpa is behind the whole murder and subsequent cover-up.
Funnier things for Grandma to get run over by: a clown car; the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile; that weird decapitation wall from Caligula; a fat kid in the buffet line at CiCi's Pizza; Billy Joel.
21. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Drum and Bass Remix)"
Speaking of shitty GarageBand remixes...
22. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" (Bing Crosby)
Finally, something classy for the holidays. Oh, did I write "classy?" I meant "creepy." Every square inch of Bing Crosby's take on this holiday standard is just dripping with creep. From his insistence on being the only one wishing anyone a Merry Christmas in the opening stanza to his repeated demands for figgy pudding, Crosby keeps things brief and frightening. I tell you what, this guy saunters up to my front porch and starts crooning this Christmas ditty, I'll give him anything he wants just so he'll go away and never return.
23. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (Gayla Peevey)
Oh my God, shut up!
Things I Want For Christmas: every copy of this record smashed to pieces, melted down, refashioned into records, and smashed again; a time-traveling hippopotamus to maul 10-year-old Gayla Peevey until she promises never to record this song in the first place; the two minutes and thirty-nine seconds it took to listen to this song back.
24. "Oim Gettin' Nooting For Christmas" (Two British kids)
No, no, NO! Dumb American kids are supposed to do this on national TV, not cultured European lads.
Who am I kidding? There are dumb kids all over the globe. And these two are about as cultured as a couple of Cockney chimney sweeps. This song is awful, though I could barely hear it over Gayla Peevey's voice still ringing in my ears. Damn you, Gayla!!!!!
25-26. "Jingle Bells" (Basshunter); "Jingle Bells" (Trey Songs & Flo Rida)
I don't know which of these two versions of "Jingle Bells" I detest more. Probably Basshunter's. It sounds like the kind of song a high school cheerleading squad would dance to at a holiday-themed pep rally. I expected Jersey Shore's Pauly D to burst through the door, fist pumping and dangling a sprig of mistletoe above his crotch at any moment. And Trey Songz and Flo Rida's take on "Jingle Bells" was just cheesy enough to make it essential holiday music hating.
