Bring on the Presents: Christmas Gifts for your Non-Christian Friends

Believe it or not, Christian readers, there are more holidays in December than Christmas. That's why the cashier at your local Hallmark wished you a "Happy Holiday" this year. It's not because Hallmark employees are trained to hate Christmas and all it stands for, but because this is a big ol' country full of different faiths and, I don't know, maybe making people uncomfortable during the holiday season isn't best for business. Of course, there is still President Obama's War on Christmas to contend with, so your righteous angry is not completely unjustified. Keep on fightin' that good fight.

But, so what? So there are other holidays jockeying for airtime in December. We all know Christmas is the best, so everyone else should just suck it. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't shower your hellbound friends with stuff they'll enjoy. Just make sure they know it's a Christmas present though, and not something for whatever stupid-ass holiday they celebrate. Allow GEP to offer up a few suggestions:

1. For your Satanist friend: A plush demon

Your Satanist friends don't want cutesy little elves or jolly farting Santa Clauses or manger scenes fashioned out of glass. They want fresh cat carcasses and virgin's blood and Ghost albums. That's what Satanists are into, right? Robes, maybe? Torches? Gift cards? They eat at McAlister's, right? Who doesn't? The sweet tea is delicious.

But, hey, it's Christmas. You can't wrap up a cows heart on December 1st and expect it to stay fresh and ritual-worthy until the 25th. So mix a little adorable with your sinister this Christmas and get him/her a plush demon to squeeze when the winter nights get a little too cold or the New Year's Eve blood sacrifice gets a little too intense. So cute!

2. For your Jewish friend's kid: A plush menorah

Sure, the kids get to see the menorah every night, up there on the mantle (Does it go on the mantle? Help me out here.) with its candles lit, but what they really want to do is snuggle with it in bed. Christian kids have teddy bears. Jewish kids have plush menorahs, I assume. You should probably just make that assumption as well and get your Jewish friends' kids this soft, huggable menorah. Perfect for saying "I don't understand your religion, so, here's this thing."

3. For your Muslim friend: A witty t-shirt

We all know what Muslims want for Christmas: hilarious t-shirts!!! But what hilarious, Islam-themed t-shirt is best? There are quite literally too many to choose from. I guess, you should take it on a Muslim friend by Muslim friend basis, but I don't think you can wrong with the "Muslim fun-damentalist" t-shirt. Get it? Fun-damentalist! Oh, that's classic.

But, seriously, your Muslim friends probably don't want any Christmas presents since they don't celebrate Christmas, so why don't you just send them a nice holiday card or some Shari's Berries or something.

4. For your Buddhist friend: A Buddha cup for booze drinks

You want enlightenment, son?! Well, things can't get any more illuminated then when you're sucking a fruit-blended girly drink outta a Buddha's belly. Transcendent and delicious! Your Buddhist friends will thank you in this life and the next.

5. For your atheist friend: A needlessly mean-spirited t-shirt

You might find this shocking, but not everybody in your life believes the same things you do about God, the origins of mankind, and the creation of this big ball of water and dirt we call home. Some of these people might be sitting next to you in your favorite pew right now! Non-believers are everywhere--your school, your church, your workplace, your favorite all-you-can-eat fried fish buffet--and most of them just want to live their lives, have a little fun from time to time, and not have to put up with your efforts to proselytize them every day. They'd rather just agree to disagree and get back to their grocery shopping.

Some of these people--let's call them "atheists"--however, want to stick it to Christians every chance they can get. For that special Christian-baiting atheist on your Christmas list, why not this stylish shirt in the tee-style? It's a Jesus fish on a charcoal grill! Get it? Neither do I!

We assure you, there is nothing in this box

6. For your Jehovah's Witness friend: Nothing

What do you get the Jehovah's Witness who has everything? Nothing! That's right, Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas (OR birthdays OR anything) like everybody else. I don't know what they do on December 25th, but if I could guess, I'd say they sit around the dining room table dressed in drab turtleneck sweaters and stare solemnly at one another over a meal of lukewarm take-out fast food fried chicken. Again, this is only a guess.

7. For your Scientologist friend: Just kidding! Scientologists don't have any friends!