4. "So What" (Pink)
Proving that everyone everywhere had either forgotten what rock music was or simply no longer cared, singer-songwriter Alecia Beth Moore, otherwise known as Pink, announced in 2008 via this trifle of a song, that she was, in fact, a "star" of the "rock" variety and nobody called her out on it. Is she a star? I would argue that she is, though I think it would be the shortest argument on record as I don't believe anyone would refute me. Pink's output is a Top 40 mainstay, regardless of the fact that her music gets less and less essential as time marches ever onward. Really. Has she had a legitimately enjoyable song since 2001's "Get the Party Started?" I submit that she has not. None of that really matters right now however, as we are here to discuss "So What" and how much I loathe it. And I loathe it so.
First, Pink does not perform "rock music" so therefore she cannot be the "rock star" she claims to be repeatedly in "So What." Secondly, "So What" falls squarely into a category of pop song that I hate above all others: the "I'm-rich-and-famous-but-woe-is-me" song. Granted, "So What" isn't as bad as say "Lucky," Britney Spear's ode to celebrity loneliness, but that's only because it's got one of them infernal toe-tapping beats. Confound it! The song is still all about how her marriage didn't work out and how Carey Hart is a dick or something. Ugh. Scream-sing that broken-home, my-love-life-didn't-work-out-because-I'm-a-rebel-who-can't-be-domesticated horseshit to someone who gives a rip. And thirdly, "So What" proves once again how funny Pink isn't. The jabs at Jessica Simpson and Hart--she is especially brutal to him in this song, indicating in the song's opening lines that he can't even afford to pay his rent without Pink in his life--fall flat and the video--oh boy, this video--is just one unfunny set-piece after another. But maybe it's unfair to use a music video against somebody. That's fine. This song sucks, with or without it's video. How's that?
Pink's "rock moves": driving a riding lawnmower down a busy city street; beating up a nerd at Guitar Center; performing her own tree removal; assaulting newlyweds with a eggs and beer cans.
5. "Coming Out of the Dark" (Gloria Estefan)
Yes, I am aware that this was the first single Estefan released after she was almost killed in a horrendous tour bus accident and was therefore, in a way, a miraculous return to form for the internationally beloved singer. But I remember the day it premiered on my local radio station--it was January 1991, 18 days before my 13th birthday--and I couldn't have hated what I was hearing more. My musical tastes were changing. I used to accept whatever Detroit's radio DJs thought appropriate for my young earholes, but in early '91, I wasn't so sure anymore. Eight months later, my rejection of Top 40 radio would be complete with the additions of Nirvana, REM, Primus, and They Might be Giants to my life. "Coming Out of the Dark" was the spark that lit the fuse, so to speak. In a way, it signaled my "coming out" of uninspired pop music's darkness. On that level, I should thank Ms. Estefan.
But, yeah, I'm kind of a dick for hating this song as much as I do. Oh, well. Such is life.
