1. PETA OFFICIALLY RUNS OUT OF THINGS TO PROTESTThis week PETA called out fictional video game icon Mario Mario for sometimes wearing a magical tanooki-suit:
"Tanooki may be just a "suit" in Mario games, but by wearing the skin of an animal, Mario is sending the message that it's OK to wear fur," PETA says.
Is he? Mario's tanooki-suit also gives him the ability to fly. Isn't he kind of sending the more dangerous message that wearing a costume can grant you the gift of flight? It's not like kids everywhere are wrapping themselves up in Grandma's mink coat and jumping out of their bedroom windows shouting "For the Mushroom Kingdom!" It's a game. And kids are stupid. Most of them don't even know what a tanooki is. Most of them probably know wearing animal fur is wrong too. Just let 'em play their video games and get fat on Cool Ranch Doritos. Geez, PETA, do you gotta ruin everything we love.
Of course, why take on the Super Mario series when there is a game far more callous in it's treatment of animals: Joust. Have you seen this thing, PETA? Grown men in suits of armor riding on the fragile backs of ostriches?!? Now that is some sick stuff!
Also, everyone knows a real tanooki-suit would come with giant furry testicles.
2. THE MORE YOU KNOW?Remember, new parents, don't let you infant children sleep with sharp knives. They'll probably kill you in your sleep, most likely in some kind of gory, Satanic ritual.
3. KARDASHIANS KANCELLEDThey haven't been --sorry if I got your hopes up--but one group of concerned citizens is trying to make this wonderful dream a wonderful reality:
"In a grass roots effort, we have collected [thousands of] signatures for a petition asking E! Entertainment to remove the Kardashian suite of shows from their programming," petition organizer Cyndy Snider said in a statement. "We feel that these shows are mostly staged and place an emphasis on vanity, greed, promiscuity, vulgarity and over-the-top conspicuous consumption."
"While some may have begun watching the spectacle as mindless entertainment or as a sort of 'reality satire,' it is a sad truth that many young people are looking up to this family and are modeling their appearance and behavior after them," Snider continued. "I'll remind you here that the Kardashian family fame largely started with a 'leaked' sex tape."
Finally, a dumb, vague, largely unfocused cause I can get behind. You can add your name to the No More Kardashian Petition here.
And before I forget: Hey, E! channel, how many on-camera hummers do I gotta give before you'll air my reality show? I've given sooooo many already. Trust me, Bald Dad is gonna be an instant hit!
4. MUNCHKINLAND: POPULATION 3America said good-bye to one its last remaining Munchkins this week, Karl Slover. Slover was 93 and 4-foot-5 when he died of cardiopulmonary arrest. You might think Slover's life was nothing but yellow brick roads and prolonged stares of vague recognition, but his childhood in Czech Republic was a terrifying succession of horrifying ordeals:
"In those uninformed days, his father tried witch doctor treatments to make him grow," [John Fricke, author of 100 Years of Oz] said. "Knowing Karl and his triumph over his early life, you can't help but celebrate the man at a time like this."
He was buried in the backyard, immersed in heated oil until his skin blistered and then attached to a stretching machine at a hospital, all in the attempt to make him become taller. Eventually he was sold by his father at age 9 to a traveling show in Europe, Fricke said.
Slover played Munchkin Trumpeter No. 1 in the Judy Garland-helmed classic and earned $50 a week for his work. He leaves behind three Munchkins and, I presume, a closet full of tiny shirts and pants.
