5 Of The Most Horrifying Things I've Ever Read EVER!!!

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Movie Penguin Monday: #13. Red State (2011)

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The Worst Costumes Ever: Boys & Girls

There's only one thing scarier than a child doctor and that's a zombie child doctor. Imagine that you're going in for major surgery and right before they put you under, a 10-year-old child dressed in scrubs strolls in and prompts you to "count back from ten." You're going to be pretty freaked out, I'll bet. "Am I to believe that a toddler will be performing my gall bladder surgery?" you might think as the room grows hazy around you. Now imagine that same child surgeon is also a zombie. He's got the rotting face, the exposed internal organs, and he's moaning hungrily about brains--sweet, sweet brains. That image is an instant pants filler for me. So, yes, this costume is scary. It's also gross. You really want your kid left out of the Halloween parade at school because you were dumb enough to believe that the zombie child doctor costume was appropriate? You're a parent now, numbnuts. Act like one.
In Halloween superstore circles, this costume is known as the Sweet as Candy California Girl Costume, but, c'mon, we all know what's going on here. This is a Katy Perry costume. Now, I don't have a problem with Katy Perry. She's nice to look at and the song on which this costume is based isn't horrible. I don't begrudge Ms. Perry her fame or her Proactive campaign. However, I do have a problem with her being viewed as a "children's entertainer." "Come now, Matthew, surely you don't believe that Katy Perry is being promoted as someone appropriate for little girls and impressionable tweens?" Oh, no? She's hung out on Sesame Street with Elmo, hosted the Kid's Choice Awards on Nickelodeon, and her songs are on a constant loop on Top 40 radio. Someone--the media, Perry's record company, a shadow government, Perry herself--wants the children of the world to know that they have a new leader and that leader is Katy Perry. This costume is fairly innocuous though. I'll save my "keep your kids away from Katy Perry" rant for the next 100 Songs I Hate (coming soon!!!).
Hey, it's that character from that movie no one saw or liked! Are there a lot of little boys clamoring to be Rango this year? Even if there are, is this the best you can do, people who design Halloween costumes? I kind of hate masks in general, but this mask is especially disturbing with it's human eyes next to lizard eyes weirdness. That said, the child version of Rango is 10-times better than the adult one. Yikes.
This charming fellow is named Carver the Clown. Why Carver? My guess is that he is fond of carving up strangers with a knife, after all, that's what creepy, demonic clowns do, right? Listen, you don't have to raise your children to like clowns, but how does this costume help anybody? Clowns want to make your kids laugh, not give them horrible nightmares. I hate clowns as much as the next guy, but even I think this costume is a little unfair. Plus, I hate those grotesque rubber masks party supply stores and costume shops have hanging up around Halloweentime. All those weird melting faces hanging from hooks. It's like something out of Hostel. Ick.
Costume name: White Monster Bride Child Costume. No, really. What is this? Let's break it down word by stupid word. First, the dominate color of said costume is, in fact, white. Also, the kid is white, but I'm not sure that matters. The "monster" part...um...I guess the fuzzy boots, maybe? OK, we're on "bride" now. She's holding flowers and wedding dresses are usually white and we've already determined that the costume is mostly white in color...but what's with the 4 Non Blondes hat? This costume is a mess. Good luck on Halloween night, candy hander outers: "Oh, you all look so great. What do we have here: a ghost and a little princess and, um, er, Linda Perry...?"
If you dress your child up as the Demon of War for Halloween, you are an asshole.

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The Worst Costumes Ever: See, Men are Dumb

"It's Halloween and I'm always the life of the party. What should I go as this year? People are expecting something great. Everyone things I'm so funny and I can't let them down. I've got it. I'll go as a sperm. You've done it again, big guy! This is gonna be the best Halloween ever!"

I hate you.

You are a complete asshole.

You are worst human being on the planet. And you're not funny.

I hate these sperm costumes, but, dude, you didn't even try. And why is a sperm also a sperm donor? Can sperm donate sperm? Your dumb costume doesn't even make sense, you dummy.

Wait, do you want people to make deposits on you?