No, wait, THIS is the Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week

From the Mail Online:

A man who had his genitals removed seasoned them before cooking them for five paying dinner party guests, it has been claimed. 


Mao Sugiyama, 22, who is asexual, had voluntarily undergone surgery to have them removed. 


But the illustrator took his frozen penis and scrotum home from hospital and organised a grim party. 


He charged guests around £160 per person to eat his severed genitalia in Tokyo, Japan. 


They were garnished with mushrooms and parsley. 


Before tucking into dinner, guests sat down to listen to a piano recital and take part in a panel discussion, CalorieLab.com reported. 


Mao, who goes by the nickname HC, had initially considered eating his own penis – but decided to serve them up instead. 


He cooked the genitalia himself as he was supervised by a chef. 


In a Tweet, he offered to cook his penis for a guest for £800. 


However, he ultimately decided to split the ‘meal’ between six guests. 


He wrote on Twitter: ‘I am offering my male genitals (full penis, testes, scrotum) as a meal for 100,000 yen (£800). I’m Japanese. 


‘The organs were surgically removed at age 22. I was tested to be free of venereal diseases. The organs were of normal function. I was not receiving female hormone treatment. 


‘First interested buyer will get them, or I will also consider selling to a group. Will prepare and cook as the buyer requests, at his chosen location. If you have questions, please contact me by DM or e-mail.’ 


In total around 70 people attended the event in the Suginami ward of Tokyo. While five people tucked into Mao Sugiyama’s genitalia, the rest of them ate beef or crocodile. 


The people who ate his genitalia were a 30-year-old couple, a 22-year-old women, a 32-year-old man and Shigenobu Matsuzawa, 29, an event planner. 


He Tweeted before the event: ‘It’s a once in a lifetime chance, so I decided on the spur of the moment to do it.’ 


He posted pictures of the event on his blog, but later removed them and said his decision to take them down was due to ‘privacy considerations’. 


Sugiyama made guests sign a waiver so he was not responsible if they became ill after eating his genitalia. They were removed in early April shortly after his 22nd birthday. 


The dinner party organiser joked before the event that he would be posting his recipe online. 


Guests said that the genitalia were very rubbery and tasted of very little, CalorieLab.com reported. 


Suginami Police were contacted but did not launch an investigation because they said nothing had been done which was against the law. 


Sugiyama, who is an illustrator, has also had his nipples removed. 


As an asexual, his genitalia will not be replaced with artificial female ones.

Ew.

The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week: That's Why I Prefer Showers

This week's edition of The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week was originally going to focus on Natural Harvest, a cookbook dedicated to the idea that semen, apart from being a great way to create new human beings and/or crust up a perfectly functional dress sock, can be a perfectly acceptable ingredient in some of your favorite dishes.  The kind of dishes you eat.  With your mouth.  Then some naked dude freaked out and chewed off a homeless man's face and my focus shifted from spunk chugging to face eating.


Did you hear about this?  Chances are you have, as this sort of thing doesn't happen every day.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, first, let me say YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!  RUN SCREAMING FROM YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  Secondly, let me nutshell it for you: a guy did a bunch of drugs, took his clothes off, attacked a homeless, ate said homeless man's face, and was shot to death by a police officer who will probably never sleep again.


I know what you're thinking: "Has the zombie apocalypse I write about obsessively on my Facebook wall finally come to pass?"  Can I address you people real quick?  Can you shut up about the "zombie apocalypse" already?  We get it.  You like The Walking Dead.  I like it too, but I'm not on Facebook every other day posting my Zombie Hunting Task Force list for everyone to see (i.e. ignore).  And I'm not talking about one person.  I wish it were one person.  It's, like, a thing.  What is it about a "zombie apocalypse" that fascinates all you weirdies?  Does the United States portrayed in The Walking Dead look exciting to you?  Seems like a vast, depressing Hell on Earth to me, but who am I?  Oh, yeah.  An adult.  Anyway, shut up.  Did I say that already?


Corpse reanimation is not currently being blamed for this recent attack.  The catalyst for this brutal assault was drugs, specifically bath salts, or "bath salts" as they're also known.  While "bath salts" resemble the shiny pebbles in the small jar on your grandma's toilet tank, it is actually something far more sinister.  "Bath salts" basically turn the user into a nearly unstoppable thrashing machine.  A naked unstoppable thrashing machine.  Why naked?  Well, apparently "bath salts" cook you from the inside. I don't know about you, but when I'm uncomfortably hot, the first thing I want to do is pop my shirt, pants, shoes, and undies off.  I'll then fill a kiddie pool or empty turtle-shaped sandbox with ice and burrow myself deep.  I might ask the wife to fix me some nachos.  I rarely feel the need to snack on a homeless man's face.


A cold drink or a dip in the community pool wasn't enough to cool Rudy Eugene, the attacker in this truly horrific tale, down however.  In fact, nothing could stop Eugene once the "bath salts" kicked in.  Well, nothing besides four bullets.


This horror story out of Florida (typical!) gives me the willies, man.  I kind of wish I'd written about the spooge cookbook now.  Oh, well.  There's always next time.  


In summation: Don't use drugs.  And if you must, do so on a full stomach.

The Most Horrific Thing I've Seen This Week

No! What is going on? Why is this happening?!?

Wait a minute. Only the Word of God can do what? Attack women and drag them into a terrifying book-world Gumby-style? Inspire disturbing photographs? Give me nightmares for a month?

Yikes.

What the WTF presents The Most Horrific Thing I've Read in a Good Long Time

I know most of you have been waiting for my take on the whole Joe Paterno/Penn State Sex Abuse Scandal story and I apologize for making you wait so long. Many of you get your news from GEP and when we fail to comment on a major story in a timely fashion, I usually feel pretty bad. There is a reason it's taken me awhile to comment on this particular tale of woe however, and that is because large portions of it make me sick to my stomach.

If you don't have any idea of what I'm talking about, first, you most assuredly live underneath a rock, by which I mean you aren't alive at all, but, rather, buried in a cemetery somewhere, unless, of course, your body was donated to science or cremated and tossed into the Grand Canyon. Second, this timeline of events posted at ESPN.com should bring you up to speed. Allow me to nutshell it, if I may: Jerry Sandusky, an assistant football coach under legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno, molested and raped several different young boys over roughly a fifteen year period. His disgusting conduct was witnessed and reported, but nothing was ever done until just recently, when Sandusky was arrested on 40 criminal counts.

There is a lot about this story that makes me sick. First, Sandusky is an inhuman monster. He creates a charity for boys from dysfunctional homes and then uses said charity to find easy marks--broken, lonely boys aching for a father figure in their lives. Sandusky becomes that father figure and proceeds to betray their trust.

Second, you got the members of the Penn State faculty and staff who knew what Sandusky was up to, but ignored it or, in the case of Joe Paterno, did the bare minimum of what was required and got back to promoting the Penn State brand. Nobody picked up a phone and dialed 9-1-1, like, ever. They passed the buck, swept it under the rug--you pick the cliche! The simple fact is that boys were being sexually abused, but Penn State's reputation was much more important.

Third, these students that rioted and flipped over a news van. Really, guys? Now that you know the whole horrible story, I bet you feel pretty dumb. Let me rephrase that: you better feel really dumb. Listen, I hadn't heard the name Joe Paterno until last week (believe it or not, not everybody cares about college football), so maybe I don't get how much of a legend he is 'round your parts. I do know that a graduate assistant witnessed Jerry Sandusky anally raping--ANALLY RAPING!!!--a 10-year-old in the locker room showers and called his dad, not the police. HE CALLED HIS DAD! Then, THE NEXT DAY, he told Joe Paterno who also DID NOT CALL THE COPS, but rather Penn State's athletic director and the whole story dies there. Paterno was part of the cover-up, like it or not, and for that he deserved to be terminated. Let's step outside of our school pride for a moment and look at the facts. Paterno fucked up. He's not the only one who did, but he did nonetheless. So, why not help right that news van and get back to studying or binge drinking or whatever.

Who are the victims in this story? Joe Paterno? Not bloody likely. Penn State's reputation? If they're so great, why have I never heard of them?* I'll tell you who the victims are...

LOCKER ROOM SHOWERS!

That's right: what young boy in his right mind is going to take a public shower after all this? Scores of middle school boys will leave second period gym sweaty and stinky, offending the sensibilities of their Social Studies classmates, all because the locker room shower has become a terrifying, tiled house of horrors. Rumors will fly: "I heard if you stand in front of the boy's room mirror and repeat "Jerry Sandusky" three times, Coach Sandusky appears naked and cuddles your from behind." Showers will go ignored and unused. Horrifying!

Of course the showers aren't the victims! Sandusky's victims are the victims, but it seems like everybody forgot that for awhile, although I think people are finally coming around.

There is a special place at Hell's Thanksgiving table for child molesters. Jeffery Dahmer cooks the turkey, Osama Bin Laden makes the seating chart, and Hitler does the carving. It makes the Thanksgiving dinner for blasphemers and liars look like a Labor Day barbecue in The Hamptons, you know, fun, but kind of intimidating. Sandusky ruined a lot of lives, but what's become of JoePa's legacy is nobody's fault but his own. Remember that next time you see a news van that looks just right for tipping. Believe it or not, there are things more important than your alma mater. Grow up.

*I'm kidding. I've heard of Penn State. I've visited the campus. I had my picture taken with that lion.

5 Of The Most Horrifying Things I've Ever Read EVER!!!

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The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week

So, the American Cancer Society turned down a five-hundred thousand dollar donation from an atheist group last summer. That's right. The ACS turned down five-hundred thousand dollars! FIVE-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLCARS!!!

Why? Because it was being donated by an organization of godless heathens? Not according to them, but c'mon. What do you take us for, ACS? A nation of empty-headed dummies? You turned down a hefty donation from a group of cancer-hating citizens because they don't believe in God. Or a god. Or any spooky, planet-crafting, animal-building, human-programming spiritual force. They simply believe that we are and then, after we die, we aren't. Oh, yeah, and they wish there were a cure for cancer. They wish there were a cure for cancer so much that they raised half-a-million dollars for the cause. And you, American Cancer Society, said, "Oh, no thanks, atheists. We're fine." Ugh.

From examiner.com:

Thursday, the Foundation Beyond Belief issued a formal statement indicating that their offer to raise up to a half million dollars through the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life program was recently tabled when the American Cancer Society declined to allow the Foundation to create a national Relay team as other non-profits have done.

While the American Cancer Society (ACS) claims their inability to work with the Foundation Beyond Belief (FBB) has nothing to do with the Foundation's godless stance, the evidence indicates otherwise. The fact is, the ACS allows other non-profits to participate in the national relay, and the only conceivable reason for the ACS to disallow the FBB from participating is their somewhat controversial position towards religious belief.

I considered shoehorning in my old "Here's Why I Absolutely Hate All Religions" rant here, but I couldn't exactly get it to fit right. Sure, the ACS's percieved fear of backlash from religious organizations if they had accepted a donation from atheists highlights the unforunate power religion--specifically Christianity--holds over American society, but in the end it's the ACS that wussed out. Any church that would refuse to donate money to cancer research just because a donation from a group of atheists and free-thinkers was also accepted is beyond horrible. I don't think there are any churches like that. I hope there aren't any churches like that. Can you imagine?

Why does it matter who the money is coming from? We all hate cancer, right? Christians, atheists, Muslims, Jews, that weird alien-worshipping cult: we all want cancer to "hit the road," correct? The ACS should be taking any and all donations anyboy is willing to fork over.

And if I may stick it to the religious for just a moment--please, let me take my one jab--at least we know the atheists are donating money to cancer research without any ulterior motives. They're doing so because it is the right and decent thing to do. They aren't counting on bigger mansions in the afterlife, they're simply insuring that everyone can live a comfortable, cancer-free existence in this life.

(You can read more about this story here. And here. You can disagree with me in our comments section. You can also agree with me there. You can also write something about ordering Viagra online, but I'd rather you not.)

The Most Horrific Thing(s) I've Read This Week

I've never seen an entire episode of TLC's reality freak show My Strange Addiction. I usually watch the first segment, in which we are introduced to that evening's addicts, then I lose interest. I don't stick around for the inevitable attempt at curing these poor, misguided souls. I simply get the main idea and go on with my own strange addiction-free life. The show is roughly 22-minutes long, but I simply cannot justify devoting any more than 5 minutes to it. I think they should cram as many weirdos into an episode as possible, give viewers a few juicy shots of some freakwad cramming scabs into her mouth or obsessively combing his mustache hair or whatever and roll credits. I don't need the backstory. I don't need the quiet interviews with concerned friends. I need my freaky addictions delivered circus side-show tent-style. Pay your 25 cents, ogle some creeps.

During it's 16-episode run, My Strange Addiction has played host to a wide variety of addicts: Kesha, the woman who eats toilet paper for dinner; Debbie, the lady who is severely allergic to cats, but hoards them anyway; Davecat--yes, Davecat--the man married to a sex doll; and Riley, the 25-year-old woman who lives her life as an adult baby. I recently saw an episode (i.e. the first five minutes of an episode) that featured a woman from Brooklyn who is obsessed with taxidermy. She would go on long walks around her neighborhood searching for dead birds and squirrels to take home and stuff. Her cramped apartment was full of dead rats, chipmunks, and pigeons.

Obviously, every addiction featured on the program is, well, pretty strange, but the subject of a recent episode crosses the line from "strange" into "downright horrific" in a big, gross way. Meet Casie:





I hope you watched the entire clip. If you didn't, do it before you read any further. Otherwise you may just think I'm being a dick.



OK. Did you watch to the end? Sick, right? I can't imagine losing my spouse. If I even attempted to imagine it, you'd probably find me in a ball under my desk weeping uncontrollably. I can think of nothing sadder. And who's to say if faced with the same heartbreaking situation, any one of us wouldn't take our loved one's ashes to see Cowboys and Aliens or to Freshberry for frozen yogurt. But I'm fairly certain I would never resort to consuming my dead spouse Lik-M-Aid-style. Isn't that cannibalism kinda? Whatever it is, it's sick and weird and, well, perfect for My Strange Addiction, I guess.



My question: What do human cremains taste like? According to Casie, "sandpaper, sand and rotten eggs." Nummy!



Additional information: I originally heard about Casie's story on a podcast to which I listen regularly. I turned to Google to collect more information for this article. Turns out, when you type "woman eats" into Google, Google is nice enough to offer a variety of suggestions, one of which being "woman eats baby." Being the curious sort that I am, I pursued the baby eating story and found myself face to face with the 2ND MOST HORRIFIC THING I'VE READ THIS WEEK. Please have your barf bags at the ready, provided you have a stash of barf bags in your home. A regular plastic shopping bag is also acceptable. Those can be puked into. Trust me. I've seen it. I'm serious.



From USATODAY.com:



Police: Woman killed her infant, ate part of brain



San Antonio police say a woman accused of beheading her 3-week-old infant son used a knife and two swords in the attack and ate some of the child's body parts.

Why did it take a knife and TWO SWORDS to decapitate a three-week-old? Two swords!?! Was this a three-week-old dragon? That still sounds pretty excessive.

San Antonio Police Chief William McManus told reporters Monday that Otty Sanchez's attack on her son, Scott Wesley Buchholtz-Sanchez, was "too heinous" to fully discuss.

Of course it was "too heinous" to discuss, the woman used TWO SWORDS TO KILL AN INFANT!?! IS SHE INSANE?!?



But he says Sanchez ate part of the newborn's brain and bit off three of his toes before stabbing herself twice.



Police say the 33-year-old Sanchez told officers who were called to her house early Sunday that she killed her son at the devil's request.

Oh, OK, she is insane. Got it.



Sanchez is charged with capital murder and is being held on $1 million bail. She is recovering from her wounds at a hospital.



TWO SWORDS, PEOPLE! TWO SWORDS!!!

The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week

Nothing ruins a vacation--or shatters a child's fragile pysche--like witnessing an accidental death. Well, nothing other than being the victim of the accidental death, I guess.

I think we can all agree that death is probably the last thing we'd want to experience when taking a summer trip with our families. A little sightseeing. A few nice meals out. A couple hours of lounging on a secluded beach. These are the hallmarks of a successful vacation. Getting sucked into a blowhole and drowning OR watching a man be sucked into a blowhole to his drowning death would be pretty low on my vacation "to-do" list, as I assume, gentle reader, it would be on yours.

Last Saturday, tourists in Hawaii were treated to just such a sanity-shattering sight when California resident, David Potts, was sucked into a blowhole where he, presumably, drowned. Now that's pretty sick, but even sicker is how Potts was described just before his watery death

Witnesses who watched a Northern California man get sucked into a Maui blow hole to his apparent death say that the tourist was dancing around and frolicking in the sprays of water moments before a wave knocked him down.

Rocco Piganelli, of La Jolla, Calif., said he stared in horror as he watched a large wave push the tourist into the hole off Nakalele Point on Saturday afternoon. The man popped up briefly with the next wave, then disappeared.

He was dancing? And frolicking? I don't know why, but these simple details make the story so much more disturbing to me. There Potts was, hanging out in Maui with his lady-friend and her brother, dancing around a famous blowhole, cavorting and being goofy and BOOM! He's gone; sucked away into an underwater tunnel of death. The fact that he popped up briefly before disappearing into the briny deep forever, just makes me nauseous.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Hey, at least Potts spent his last moments on Earth--besides those few seconds when he popped back up before being dragged to his final resting place at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean--engaged in summertime frivolity. It could've been a lot worse." Feel free to put a positive spin on it, man, but if I'm in Maui, frolicking and dancing, the last thing I wanted to do is get sucked into a fucking blowhole. If I'm dancing, I'm probably on top of the world. Maybe he'd just proposed to his girlfriend and she'd just said "yes." Did you ever think of that, Happy McBrightside?! Huh, you jerk!

It's the tourists (and anyone who reads this HORRIBLE article) that I feel sorry for, however. Potts is gone, but a bunch of people trying to get away from the daily grind for awhile watched him get gone. How are you supposed to enjoy the luau you have scheduled for Saturday night? Is watching beautiful Hawaiian girls perform a sultry hula dance while muscley, tattoed man whip fire all around (yeah, that's right, I've been to a luau!) going to erase the memory of watching a man be sucked into the ocean to his demise? Not bloody likely. Not only is your vacation ruined, but your life is ruined as well. That's not how kids are supposed to learn about death. They're supposed to have a goldfish die or watch Bambi. No kid needs their first experience with death to be watching a happy dancing man on vacation get dragged into a blowhole. Ugh.