A 13th-century fresco of a tree discovered in the city of Massa Marittima in 2000 was defaced this month, when twenty-five penises and ball-bags were cruelly and thoughtlessly painted over. The fresco, known as The Tree of Fertility (or Tree of Dicks), was undergoing a much needed restoration, but when townspeople got a glimpse of the finished product, they were less than excited. You could say that the restoration efforts left them flaccid."What happened to all the cocks?" remarked Gabriele Galeotti, a town official, upon seeing the finished product. "It's just a tree without the cocks on it now. And the balls. Oh, God, they painted over the balls too? This sucks."
He didn't actually say any of that, but he implied as much:
"Many parts of the work seem to have been arbitrarily repainted," said Gabriele Galeotti, a town councillor who has called for an investigation after seeing the finished work.
"The authenticity of the fresco seems to have been compromised by a restoration effort that did not respect the original character of the work."
You better believe it's been compromised! What interest would a bunch of ladies have in a boring old tree without dicks on it? If I know one thing it's women, and women want trees covered in huge, veiny dongs!
The penis-hating members of the restoration committee see things differently:
"The restoration in no way radically modified the original features," said Mario Scalini, the head of heritage and arts for the local province of Siena and Grosseto. "The operation was carried out with the greatest of care."
Giuseppe Gavazzi, one of the restorers, said the mural was already badly damaged when restoration work began and that there had been no intention to remove or cover up any of the private parts.
What a couple of dicks.
Anway, with the Tree of Fertility fresco ruined for all of eternity--seriously, you guys, the dicks really made it special--the Western world must do all it can to protect its remaining ancient, privates-based frescoes, works like Vagina Beanstalk in Angouleme, the Grapevine of Buttholes in Napoli; and Midnight In The Garden of Taints in Hoboken, NJ. We can't let art restorers promote their anti-genital agenda all over the place. Come on, art lovers! Let us never let what happened to the Tree of Dick and Balls ever occur again! Who's with me?!?
