1. Columbus was bald, so he often wore a wig. This wig was almost always COVERED IN LICE and smelled like a burlap sack full of CHEAP WET CIGARS.2. Before becoming an explorer, Columbus was a notorious pirate. He was quite adept at pillaging, stabbing, and raping, but always ending each horrific act of violence with a polite "BEG YOUR PARDON."
3. Columbus housed his EXTENSIVE PORN COLLECTION in the hull of the Santa Maria and was devastated when said ship was lost at sea on Christmas Day, 1492. His favorite piece: A TAPESTRY OF ISABELLA GIVING IT TO FERDINAND FROM BEHIND WITH A WOODEN STRAP-ON DEVICE.
4. Columbus introduced HORSES, SMALLPOX, AND NOISE POP to the New World.
5. Columbus loved pizza. His favorite toppings: ANCHOVIES, ARTICHOKE HEARTS, AND SOMETHING HE CALLED "INJUN FINGERS."
6. Columbus's favorite Captain Beefheart album was Lick My Decals Off, Baby, but he told friends that it was TROUT MASK REPLICA.
7. During an initial meeting with the native people of a particular place he'd discovered, Columbus was known to repeat the phrase "COME AT ME, BRO." Sometimes for HOURS AT A TIME.
8. Columbus owned several NOVELTY T-SHIRTS. His crew was encouraged to compliment Columbus whenever a new one was donned. Columbus would sometimes change shirts up to 8 TIMES A DAY.
9. In his twilight years, Christopher Columbus became extremely religious and FOUNDED SEVERAL MEGACHURCHES thoroughout Europe.
10. Columbus thought MEAN PEOPLE SUCKED.
11. Columbus is a regular guest on the Opie and Anthony radio program. His favorite topics of discussion: GLOBAL EXPLORATION, IMMIGRATION, AND AMERICAN IDOL.
