Bullies

Nobody likes a bully, especially now that the anti-bullying sentiment has reached a fever pitch in the US.  I used to gently mock the anti-bullying crowd. Where were they when I was in middle school and my nerdy friends were getting picked on and pushed around?  Bullying wasn't a big enough deal back then, I guess, and that's probably why my attitude toward the anti-bullying contingent was largely dismissive. Obviously, I wasn't pro-bully--bullies can eat shit--but I carried with me the attitude from my school days: if someone is hassling you, put your head down and move along.  We didn't have the It Gets Better campaign, but I had an inkling that one day I wouldn't have to deal with fat-headed dopes tossing snack cake wrappers into my open locker (that happened, people, and it haunts me to this day).

Then kids started killing themselves.  Maybe that's always been going on, but I'd never heard about it.  And, yeah, I'm a dad now, so, you know, I kinda get it. I don't want my daughter to be bullied when she starts school in five years or so.  I don't want Q to be taunted and teased to the point where she feels the only option is to end her own life.  She's only 10-months-old right now, but time flies.  Did you know we just "celebrated" the one year anniversary of Osama Bin Laden's assassination?  A year has passed! We're we ever so young?  But, yeah, Q will be school-aged in no time and, as a parent, I'm a little nervous about what is waiting for her when she gets off of the bus.  From what I hear though, Q is a bit of a bully at day care.  She and this other girl always fight over the same Fisher-Price telephone toy, and Q usually wins.  Apparently there are three identical Fisher-Price telephones to choose from, but they both want the one.  Babies, right?  They're so dumb.

If you live in North Carolina, like I do, you know that on May 8, our state's citizenry has the opportunity to vote for or against Amendment One, a "measure [that] would define marriage in the state constitution as between one man and one woman, and would ban any other type of "domestic legal union" such as civil unions and domestic partnerships."  Keep in mind, gay marriage is already illegal in NC, so Amendment One would just make sure that this bigotry would make it into the constitution.

I don't get very political or whatever on this blog, mostly because I don't follow politics that closely, but I thought it important to share my views on this issue. We here at Giant Electric Penguin are totally AGAINST this thing.  In fact, I've already early voted against Amendment One.  For me, this isn't a political issue.  This is all about basic human rights, and if you are for the continued denying of equal rights for every citizen of not only this state but the entire country, you, my friend, are a fossil and you need to get out of the way of progress.  Quite simply, if you are for Amendment One, you are a bully. Yeah, I said.  That was going to be the title of this piece originally, but I toned it down to suck people in before I hammered 'em with the truth.  POW!

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, I just wasn't sure if I could be coherent and concise.  It's probably been pretty rambly up to this point, but that's OK. So, anyway, I wasn't sure where to go with the essay, when something glorious happened.  Sean Harris happened.

I think everyone knows who Sean Harris is by now, but if you don't, here's a quick recap of his recent actions.  Harris is a pastor in Fayetteville, NC, and during a recent sermon, he advocated the beating of male children who act effeminate and the berating of female children who have the audacity to play sports.  For real.  You can listen to it right now:





Harris has since said he was joking around.  I thought jokes were supposed to be funny.  Also, I'm pretty certain at least some of the congregation didn't know you were doing a stand-up act, Pastor Harris.  Members of Harris' flock can be heard shouting "amen" after the pastor advocates knocking your kid around. For people who don't know, Christians will often audibly utter the word "amen" during a Sunday morning sermon when they agree with what the pastor is saying.  So, Pastor Harris is a bully--and in the most classic sense, since he is so gleefully reveling in acts of physical violence--and every churchgoer who agrees with him by offering up a hearty "amen" is a bully too.


And I don't want to unfairly stick it to Christians because I'm sure there are some of them who are against Amendment One--in fact, I know there are, because I know plenty of Christians--but, c'mon, the majority of these bullies who want Amendment One to pass are members of the Christian religion, right? I'm not wrong on that, right?  You don't have to answer that question, because I know I'm right. The Bible keeps coming up in these TV ads I see and that's a Christian's guidebook for everyday living, if I'm not mistaken.





This commercial is despicable on so many levels, but I'm struck by the fact that Vote FOR Marriage NC believes that because the Bible apparently says something about marriage being reserved exclusively for one penis and one vagina, that I should care.  The Bible isn't the governing document of our country.  Why does it even show up in this ad?  It is utterly irrelevant.  But I'm getting off track.  This is an essay about bullies.  Well, here's another bully for you.  Perhaps you two have already met.  His name...


Billy Graham.  You know, that 93-year-old evangelist your parents totally love. This weekend, 14 different NC newspapers will run a full page ad in which Billy Graham bullies his fans into voting for Amendment One.  Really, Billy?  Why don't you take a break.  You're 93.  You've lived a full life.  Go fishing.  Play checkers with your grandkids.  Putter around in the garage all morning.


Listen, I don't know what you're going to do on May 8.  Maybe you'll vote for Amendment One, maybe you'll vote against it.  Maybe you won't vote at all because you've got some annoying political views that nobody understands or cares about.  Whatever.  This is about human rights.  You're either for them or against them.  It's pretty simple as far as I'm concerned.  Just because, as the commercial states, 30 other states already have marriage amendments in their constitutions, doesn't mean North Carolina has to do it.  Don't be bullied by these people.  Don't be bullied by me.  Just do the right thing.

STFU, Atheists!

Here we go...

Two members of an atheist group in Leesburg, Virginia, added their own piece of "holiday flair" to the Loudoun County courthouse lawn this week: a skeleton dressed as Santa Claus nailed to a cross. Oh, fun.

1. Listen, I'm not going to lie: it's nice to see a mother and son spending quality time with one another. The holiday season is a time when families can come together and celebrate. Some families eat a ham, exchange presents, read the Christmas Story, and go to bed with visions of sugarplums and stuff. Others dress a skeleton up in Santa suit, nail said skeleton to a cross, and hang him outside of a courthouse. To each their own, I guess.

2. But, seriously, why is this necessary? Little kids have to walk by and see a rotted Santa corpse hanging from a Bible Times torture device just so you can remind the world that, in your opinion, God doesn't exist? Why you gotta drag Santa into this, man?

3. Here's what some atheist said about the display:

"The message to me at least," said Jonathan Weintraub, of the group NOVA Atheists, "is that the meaning of Christmas, which is about faith and family, is dead and has been replaced by commercialism."

Is that what it says, Mr. Weintraub? Is that what a skeletal Kris Kringle hanging from a poorly constructed wooden cross, leering creepily at passersby says to you? Actually, that makes sense, but only because it's so obvious and hackneyed.

In summation: STFU, ATHEISTS!

STFU, Rick Perry!

I can be pretty hard on the religious sometimes. Why stop now? Here's Rick Perry's new thing:



1. You shouldn't be ashamed to be a Christian, Mr. Perry. However, you should be ashamed by the fact that you believe the biggest problem facing our nation's children is not being allowed to "openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." What about poor nutrition? Sexual abuse? Bullying? Nope. It's not being allowed to lead a prayer in 3rd period Biology.

2. Who's stopping anybody from celebrating Christmas? It's them liberals, I bet. Danged liberals!

3. And guess what, kids? You can totally pray in school. That's right: it's totally allowed! I know weirdos like Rick Perry want you to believe that your teacher and your principal and the school board and President Obama hate your religion and will stop at nothing to keep you from praying, but they can't. See, you can say a prayer silently from your seat in the cafeteria or before a History test virtually anywhere else on campus. God can hear your thoughts. Come to think of it, that's scarier than Obama's non-existent War on Religion. Do you remember everything you thought about today? I bet some of it was totally gross.

4. Hey, Rick: We'll stop our War on Religion when religion stops its War on Common Sense. Sound fair?

In summation: STFU, RICK PERRY!

Wednesday Morning Music: Trade Martin-"We've Got to Stop the Mosque at Ground Zero"

Everybody's favorite idiotic cause now has an idiotic anthem, complete with poorly-made video, to go with it.

Can we just get clear on a few things, please? Nobody is building a mosque at Ground Zero. From what I've read it's more like a recreation center with a mosque inside. But it's also two blocks away. Have you been to Ground Zero? I have and it is surrounded by lowlifes selling 9/11 trinkets, t-shirts, and post cards. "Yes, I'll take two post cards of a big empty hole, please." Getting rich in the wake of a horrible tragedy--that's offensive. I'm more offended by those American flag infomercials that popped up on TV practically right after the towers fell than I am by an Islamic community center being built two blocks away almost 9 years after 9/11. Gothamist recently showcased some other business establishments that are two blocks away from Ground Zero, including fast food restaurants and a strip club. You wouldn't put a Burger King in your church's vestibule, but it's OK to have a Dunkin' Donuts across the street from the "sacred" site where the Twin Towers once stood? Of course it's OK to a have Dunkin' Donuts there! It's a doughnut place people like! GAH!

I like how Trade Martin points out that he gets the whole "freedom of religion" thing, but then proceeds to whine and moan about that freedom being practiced. And what's he talking about when he calls Ground Zero a "sacred place?" It's the site of one of the worst tragedies in American history, but when you refer to a place as "sacred" and couple this with a whiny anti-mosque building message, it seems to me like another case of the Christians co-opting a national tragedy and making it their very own, turning Ground Zero into a satellite battlefield for Armageddon. Trade Martin, you and your Muslim-hating chums can sing all the goofy, poorly-recorded songs you want, but don't for one second think every American agrees with your narrow-minded, Right Wing Christian bullshit, sir! I'm sure there are thousands of Christians even who think building a Muslim community center in New York City is perfectly fine. It's certainly not threatening the First Baptist Church of Topeka's Support Our Troops bake sale, so who cares?

And how exactly is a mosque "thumbing its nose at every victim and hero?" First, and I don't think I have to tell you this, but mosques don't usually sport noses. Many mosques are built without eyes or working mouths. Several mosques, as well as many churches and synagogues all over the world, are full of assholes however. Second, I'm sure the people who want to build the Muslim community center two blocks from Ground Zero were more interested in the available space and the affordable price. I'm certain that spitting in the face of every fireman, police officer, and 9/11 survivor was not high on their priority list. In fact, I bet if they had an actual, physical list of priorities, mocking 9/11 and its participants, both living and dead, wouldn't appear on it.

But the most offensive thing about "We've Got to Stop the Mosque at Ground Zero" is how horrible it sounds. Did Trade Martin record this thing in a broom closet? More than likely he polished the whole thing off in about 15 minutes, seated in front of his computer, wearing nothing but a stained pair of tighty whities.

Some Thoughts on Michael Savage and Willful Ignorance

Monday nights, when I'm driving home from band practice, I turn my radio dial to the local FM talk station to hear what old Michael Savage is up to. I don't agree with Savage's views on, well, anything and I find his style off-putting and needlessly hateful, but sometimes it's fun to listen to the opposition yammer away angrily about shit. As you have probably guessed, last night Savage was once again ranting about being banned from traveling to England. I was lucky enough to tune in just in time for Savage to fume over the fact that English citizens do not have the right to call police horses gay. Yes, friends, this is an issue important enough to Michael Savage that he actually devoted airtime to discussing it. Savage is a proud citizen of America, where everyone has the right, nay, the duty, to call any horse he or she thinks looks kinda "fruity," a fag. God bless America!

Was Jacqui Smith within her rights as Britain's home secretary to make public a list of 16 individuals, or "hate promoters" as they were referred to by the government, no longer allowed to tread upon English soil? Well, I guess, but that's not really the issue as far as I'm concerned. I for one think it is fantastic that an entire country has been made off limits to Michael Savage and his hate speech. He claims his first ammendment rights have been violated, but as he was reminded by Neil Conan when he appeared on NPR last week, Savage's first amendment rights don't mean shit overseas. Still, he's considering suing the British government, which we all know is moronic and will most likely join the litany of failed lawsuits filed by the radio personality over the years.Should Savage be allowed to spread his racist, homophobic, parnoid message via the American airwaves for three hours a day, five days a week? Absolutely. That is the beauty of our country. But to paraphrase Dennis Miller, Savage has the right to say whatever he wants and I have the right to mercilessly shit all over it.

And that's what irks me about Savage and Rush and O'Rielly. They can dish it out from their studios, seated behind their golden mics, surrounded by heaps of their stupid merchandise, but the moment anyone opposes them, they're being oppressed, they're being censored and discriminated against. It's this willful ignorance that forces me to scream at my radio when I'm driving home on Monday nights or finding myself momentarily caught in Fox News' web when I'm aimlessly flipping channels. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to Rush Limbaugh and asked my radio, "You aren't really that dumb, right?" He isn't dumb--none of them are--but they say dumb things. And I'm not talking about fudging historical facts or dubiously editing sound bites--though, these two actions severely piss me off as well and will probably be tackled at a later date and with a little more research then this purely reactionary bit of semi-comic fluff--but the statements of outright stupidity. Like, Savage forgetting that the rights of Americans set forth in our governing documents mean very little in a foreign country or Rush Limbaugh stating matter-of-factly that he hopes the Obama administration fails. Does he really? He wants our president to fail? Doesn't that mean that he wants the nation to fail, the nation that gives him the right to pollute the radio with his moronic blatherings and his racist song parodies?

Also, can I just call Michael Savage out for being a liar? He is. He claims that his words are taken out of context when people label him as a racist or a supporter of violence. Every time I've ever listened to his program--and I've literally listened a grand total of 45 minutes since I became aware of his existence--I've heard nothing but hate speech directed at Muslims, liberals, homosexuals, and those conservatives whom Savage deems not conservative enough. I've heard what he's said and, I believe, I've heard it all in the proper context. Maybe I'm the idiot.

Props to you, England, for banning this hate-filled goofball and his useless rhetoric from your country. Jolly good.

What the WTF?!

If you haven't seen it yet, check out this ad the Our Country Deserves Better Committee has created to thank Sarah Palin for, um, being Sarah Palin, I guess:

REALLY? Granted, Palin has done a lot for African-American cowboys in Alaska, but what has she done for other racially diverse cowboys all over this nation?

You know what, our country does deserve better...better than Sarah Palin. And our country got better. Why won't Sarah Palin and her goofy, delusional followers just go away?

And what is it we're thanking her for exactly? Her hate-filled Republican pep rallies leading up to Election Day? Her inability to answer simple questions about the magazines she reads? The fact that she apparently doesn't know the difference between a country and a continent? Her insulting "real Americans" crack? How has she served the people of America with a servant's heart? She's the governor of Alaska not queen of the United States! She was pulled onto the political stage by a desperate old man, she provided Saturday Night Live with some killer material, and for awhile she made us consider the horror of a Sarah Palin presidency (and that SOOOO could've happened, people). Now it's over, so let's move on. I don't need to see her on my television screen anymore. I don't care about her pregnant teenage daughter or her snow-machine racing husband and his desire to secede from the United States. And I certainly don't need to hear the term GILF ever again. I'm done.

BEWARE THE DUGGARS!

The greatest threat to the future of America is not the faltering economy, escalating acts of terrorism, or the AIDS virus--it's the Duggar family! I'm serious, my friends. We have got to prepare ourselves for the inevitability of an infestation of Duggar offspring across this great land, a plague of polite, smiling do-gooders bent on enslavement of the United States and her people. Don't believe me? Jim Bob Duggar, the patriarch of the Duggar brood, has already run for office once and what's stopping him from doing it again and again and again?

There are currently 18 Duggar children, the oldest of which has just gotten married. His wife may be pregnant as I write this. Who knows? What if he decides to impregnate his young bride again and again until he too has bred a small army of creepy, hymn-singing, science-fearing, home-schooled automatons? Who will marry next? Jinger? Jenna? Janice? Is there one even named Janice? The next generation of Duggars could be 324 children strong and in twenty years there's no telling what horrific fate lies in store for society.

One thing is for sure: someday a Duggar will be President of the United States. It's inevitable. And once the first Duggar president gets a taste of power, nothing will stop the next one from stepping forth and taking the reigns after four years, and on and on, until we find ourselves living under some kind of Duggarocracy. It's almost too horrifying to imagine.

And what policies will our Duggary overlords inact upon us? Here's just a glimpse into the horrible future that awaits us if the Duggars someday come to power:

1) Not only will prayer in school be reinstated, it will be enforced. Anyone caught not praying to the appropriate deity will face expulsion and possible prosecution.

2.) Evolution will no longer be taught in school as it will now be considered heresy. Creationism will be taught as fact and the Bible will be used as the standard Science textbook. In fact, the Bible will be your child's only textbook and class will be held around large kitchen tables.

3.) All married couples will be required to have as many children as the woman's uterus can handle. Menopause or death are the only valid excuses for not being pregnant at any given time.

4.) And don't even think about gay marriage. All couplings that cannot naturally produce offspring will be made illegal, and masturbation (which will now be considered abortion, which will also be made illegal) will carry a mandatory 30 year prison sentence.

And if you step out of line, you get a paintball in the face!

Meet your future president!

How can this hopeless future be avoided? Well, first, someone needs to get a rock'n'roll CD or a Marvel comic book into the hands of just one of the Duggars. If one can be convinced that secular material will not hurt you, turn you into a raging pervert or a godless heathen, then there is hope. Second, you can stop watching their TLC program 17 Kids in Counting. Yes, it's cute and funny to see a family with 17 kids go about their daily lives (look at how much Cookie Crisp they go through! OMG--have you ever seen so many sippy cups?), but they are spreading a dangerous message, a message rampant pregnancy and mind-numbing family togetherness. If you're a mature individual with a grip on reality, go ahead and keep watching, but realize there is a whole audience of yahoos out there who eat this shit up, cling to it.

But I'm afraid it will all be for naught because the Dugger revolution is coming. They seem like nice enough people, I guess, so maybe it won't be all bad. In the spirit of accepting the Duggars for who they are (and what they will become), GEP would like to offer the following list of name suggestions for any Duggars that come falling out of Ma Duggar's vagina in the near future:

Jasper, Jim-Jam, Jaunt (may already be taken by the Palins), Jingles, Jaslene, Jigsaw, Jeorge, Jump, Juniper Lee, Jibbers, Jose, Jokey, Jasmine, Jerk Chicken, Jersey, Jalopy, Jackanape, Jackson Rod Stewart, J J, Jables, Jinx, Jiraffe, J-Dawg, Juke, Journal, Juice-box.

Barack Obama, President

I don't care who you voted for or what political party you align yourself with, this is powerful, powerful stuff:



I wonder what Malia and Natasha are going to name their puppy. May I suggest Barkles?

Stupid Campaign T-Shirts '08

I'm all for expressing your unique life-views via t-shirt, but I think we can all agree some shirts are straight up stupid! In this season of campaigns, GEP has discovered some truly dopey t-shirts on both sides of the aisle.

Kittens for Obama: Awwwwww, the kittens are voting for Obama. Oops, last I looked felines haven't been granted the right to vote. Sorry, kittens. Looks like you don't have a voice in this election. Here's some kibble and a plastic milk ring to play with. OMG, you're so cute! Yes you are!

Barack-n-Roll: Sure, Barack-n-Roll reminds one of Rock-n-Roll, but that doesn't mean a shirt had to be made, does it? What does Barack-n-Roll even mean? Senator Obama is certainly rocking out in the above picture, but how will that help him bring our troops home or fix this economic crisis we're experiencing? What, is he going to play guitar at it? "Check out this tasty lick, Economic Crisis. Yeah! How you like that? Am I totally rocking you--or should I say Barack-ing you?"


I'm a McCainiac: No, you're just a maniac.

Super Obama: Superman can leap tall buildings, outrun trains, and eat bullets for breakfast, but he's also boring, something Barack Obama is not. Superman is also a super-powered alien from outer space who can do just about anything you can imagine, solve any problem mankind may have to face. Barack Obama is merely human, I'm afraid. No one person can magically solve every problem in the world and to believe something like that is both naive and dangerous. Plus, this shirt is just super dumb.

Time for a Change: Here we see the return of Super Obama. With him is a baby with George W. Bush's brainless melon for a head. The message here is that the baby (W) has taken a shit in his diaper (The Constitution, the American people, etc.) and Super Obama (Barack Obama) is there to clean up the smelly mess (the war, economic crisis, energy concerns, global reputation, etc.). Or maybe it is suggesting that Super Obama is gonna stomp on some babies. Either way...dumb.

McCain in the Membrane: McCain = Isane. Insane in the Membrane. Like that song, remember? McCain is insane in the membrane. Stupid, stupid shirt--very truthful message. I'm split on this one.

Talkin' Politics: Volume 3

Last night saw the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. For reaction and explanation we turn to political correspondent, Jordan Beall, who is currently suffering from a sore knee.

Matt: I'm sorry to hear about your sore right knee. I hope it's nothing serious.

What is your take on this whole "that one" controversy?



Jordan: I listened to the debate from the TV, so I didn't catch the 'that one' comment when it occurred. I watched the various post-debate shows and no one mentioned it. Just goes to prove that you can't judge these things right when they end. You need to let it sink in. I don't know how it will play out. I see now on the Huffington Post, which is a left-leaning blogging/news site, that several of their bloggers are writing about the 'that one' comment. The emphasis is that McCain must be a racist, or that he just doesn't like Obama. McCain's aides will denounce the suggestion he's racist and then next reporters will ask Obama what he thinks. So I'm sure it will be a story that last a couple days at least.

M: I don't think McCain is a racist, but I do think his comment showed a lack of respect. Some people are saying it may be in retalliation to Obama referring to McCain simply as "John" during the first debate. I think it's an example of John McCain barely being able to reign in his legendary bad temper.

Are adults really this childish? Say it ain't so, Joe.

J: I don't think McCain likes Obama much. If there is a rift between the two it probably started in 2006 when Obama was a freshman senator.

In a private meeting Obama approached McCain about working with him on McCain's bill to reform ethics and lobbying laws. McCain accepted and said he'd be happy to join forces. But then a few days later Obama changed his mind and wrote a letter to McCain announcing he was switching his position to now just supporting the Democrats' version of the lobbying reform bill.

McCain felt that Obama had been disingenuousness in their meeting and he fired back a sarcastic letter claiming Obama was just another politician who says one thing and does something else.

"I would like to apologize to you for assuming that your private assurances to me regarding your desire to cooperate in our efforts to negotiate bipartisan lobbying reform were sincere," McCain wrote.

The exchange got a lot of attention at the time. You can read about it at Hotline.com (http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/02/an_outraged_sen.html)

This event sprung up again this summer at the Saddleback Ranch Forum. Obama was asked about his history of working together with Republicans and Obama cited that he worked with McCain on ethics reform, which McCain and many reporters said was untrue and pointed to the above incident.

M: That's interesting. How do politicians justify stretching the truth? I mean, I guess in a debate where one is supposedly speaking 'off the cuff' it's easy to misspeak, but I don't know...the whole thing seems slightly dubious. Obama knows what he did, so why fudge the facts?

J: Because politicians lie and stretch the truth anyway they can, Matt you gullible little punk! Btw, I need your social security number and mother's maiden name for a super awesome thing I'm doing.

M: Oh, sure. My mother's maiden name was Wolfe and my social security number is...hey, wait a minute! You scamp!

So, politicians stretch the truth, but why? These days it's fairly simple to do a modicum of research and catch politicians in lies and half truths. Is this just a practice that we'll never understand? Is this what they mean when they say "politics as usual?"

J: It is much easier to find out when someone is lying. The late political reporter Jack Germond said never before has politics become more honest because it's so much easier to fact check what people say in public.

But in politics perception is reality. And so parties and politicians will cite half-truths, overexaggerate, and float misinformation out there to confuse people. And they do it on everything. Sometimes a person will slip up and say something without fully thinking it over, but his opponents jump on it and denounce the words used. Even if the speaker follows up with "what I really meant to say was..." the other side goes "No No No, this is what you said..."

Right now Obama's campaign is brining up McCain's involvement in the Keating Five - five senators in the 80s who were investigated for taking money and doing favors for a crooked businessman named Charles Keating. McCain was one of the 5 senators investigated. In the end he was cleared of all wrongdoings. If he was cleared why bring it up? Well many people don't know or remember the 80s that well and if you can slip in enough enuendo about the investigation then that will tarnish McCain's image. So they mention that he was part of a the scandal, but they don't mention how it ended. Also Obama has been campaigning in Ohio with fmr Sen. John Glenn, who was also a member of the Keating 5. So if McCain is bad then why is Glenn good when they were both investigated and cleared?

Likewise, Obama is neighbors with and worked on various education initiatives with William Ayers, a former 60s terrorists who is now a college professor. Ayers set off many bombs in government buildings long ago and later wrote a book and gave interviews expressing unrepentance over what he did and wished that he had done more. The Republicans are all over Obama for knowing and working with Ayers. But Ayers is a very promenient figure in Chicago who has a long history of working with Republicans on education issues as well. But that doesn't get mentioned when they attack Obama.

M: Well, it's all pretty shady.

Quickly, in two sentences or less for each, what do the candidates need to do now to become our next president?

J: McCain - prove Obama is too inexperienced to be president in these tough times.

Obama - connect Bush to McCain and prove McCain is more of the same.

R U Registered 2 Vote???

(From time to time we at GEP post articles of a comical nature. That being said, this piece is not directed at any specific person, therefore, no offense should be taken. More than likely this article will be skimmed, this warning skipped, and somebody will run home with hurt feelings. Oh, well.)We all have that one friend. You know the one-- always sending you e-mails or leaving messages on your Facebook wall that say "did you register to vote yet," "hope you're registered to vote," "the deadline to register to vote is dangerously close--you gonna do it soon," etc. You know what, I'm a grown man, all right. I know that in order to vote you've first got to register and I've done that, OK?

And if it's not that it's the candidates on TV every second repeating the same reminder over and over and over. I understand them doing it though, I mean, they are running for a pretty important position and they both really want it.

I work in downtown Raleigh where the parking situation could be described by someone far more uncouth than myself as "a bitch." For this reason, I park roughly a mile and a half from the office. In the autumn and winter months the walk is extremely pleasant. During the summer this walk becomes a hellish death march, but I don't have to pay to park, so I endure.

Last month while walking back to my car after work, I was approached by a ragged man in a dirty coat. He had an unkempt black beard and wore a wool hat atop his head even though the temperature was in the mid 90's. He put his hand out to get my attention (I was listening to my iPod). I removed the ear buds from my head and gave him my full attention. I expected a request for spare change or maybe a rambling story about how his family was stranded at the bus station and how he needed ten dollars to get them all safely home. Instead, the man cleared his throat, looked at me with his glassy eyes, and said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," I responded.

"Have you registered to vote yet?"

I was a bit taken aback, but I answered. "Um, yes? I have?"

"Great!" he smiled and sauntered off down the sidewalk.

Now I don't know if this man was a representative from Bums for Obama or Hobos for McCain, but I do know he wanted to make sure I was registered for the most important presidential election in recorded history (I'm making that up). All the friendly e-mail reminders from friends who become intensely political every four years and commercials in the world were nothing compared to the message of this dirty stranger who probably woke up from his bed of gravel and broken beer bottles, poked through the garbage for breakfast, and then went about the task of reminding America how important it is to vote. If this filthy, alcoholic vagrant can go around reminding us to register, the least we can do is show up on election day, people! God bless that man and God bless America!

Incidentally, have you registered to vote yet?

Talkin' Politics: Volume 2

We checked in with GEP political correspondent Jordan Beall and asked him about the first debate, the state of our economy, and Paris Hilton's BFF.

Matt: So, who won the debate?

Jordan: Some people thought McCain won. Others thought Obama won. But the real winner was the American people :)

Actually it was a tie. Browsing both liberal and conservative sites they would say their guy won, but both added "needs to do better next time." Both candidates played it safe for the most part. The consensus is that Obama was at his best during the first half of the debate when the topic was the economy and McCain won the second half of the debate when it was about national security.

Since neither one trounced the other, fake outrage has been drawn up. Republicans cite that Obama said he agreed with McCain 11 times during the debate and that he always referred to McCain as just John and never Senator. Meanwhile, Democrats are mad that McCain rarely ever looked at Obama while speaking and body language experts are trying to read his facial expressions to see if he was snubbing Obama.

M: I actually didn't get to watch all of the debate. The wife and I were out with some friends at a local eatery. It was on, but the only thing I could hear was McCain whistling. What was up with that? Did he not put his dentures in correctly? Did he possibly break a tooth on a candy apple?

J: Midway through the debate McCain started whistling a song he once heard his great-great granddaughter singing back in 1932. Obama's rebuttal consisted of a improv rap called "Bush is a Gangsta." The moderator, Jim Leeher, sounded the bell and started the next round of questioning about Iraqi national security.

M: OK, pretend for a moment that I am a simpleton, an idiot, a drooling manchild with a questionable IQ and poor dental hygiene--not quite Simple Jack, not full on Forrest Gump, but, like, kind of dopey. Explain this whole economic crisis to me.

J: Well it's very complicated. It's no surprise that Americans live in debt. Instead of cash many of us live off credit. The average American household carrys about $8,000 in credit card debt. About 43% of American families spend more than they earn each year, and personal bankruptcies have doubled in the past decade.

So for a long time now banks and other financial institutions have been giving out loans to people who couldn't afford to pay them back, particularly loans to buy houses.

The most common problem has been with banks giving home loans to low income people who really couldn't afford to pay them back. And eventually all these bad loans came to the surface at the same time creating trillions of dollars of more bad debt. Banks lose the money, they get the deed to the house, but the country is also in a housing crisis - there are more houses on the market for sale than people willing to buy them, so the value of the homes nationwide are dropping as are mortgage-backed securities. So the banks are stuck with lots of worthless paper they can't unload.

On top of that we have a process called securitization, where a bank or lender can sell the rights of the mortgage payments and risk to a private investor. But so many bad loans with high risk were traded around that the market as a whole is getting hurt, not just big banks and mortgage companies.

Also we have seen a rise in the country's unemployment rate and a rise worldwide in oil prices which caused the prices of everything else to go up.

Some people blame the gov't oversight agencies for not keeping their eye on these loans happening or at the government for not giving them the authority to regulate these loans. Some point to laws passed in the 90s that made it easier for low income people to get loans...

M: Whoa, whoa, whoa--sum it up in three words.

J: Bad-Loans-Suck (Hard)

M: If the economic crisis was a sound, what would that sound be?

J: The sound would be like a huge tornado swirling around.

M: So, whoosh, maybe? Like, a continuous whoosh-whoosh-whoosh?

J: Yeah, like a whirlwind of crashing and banging with some light crying in the background and an elderly woman yelling "Skeetor! The tornada' knocked over my trailer!"

M: The premiere of Paris Hilton Is My New BFF is tonight and I wondered if all the candidates-presidential and vice presidential--appeared on this show, who'd go away claiming Ms. Hilton as their BFF?

J: I think that Paris would probably pick Barack Obama as her BFF. Her parents are McCain supporters, but after his campaign ran a TV ad that mocked Obama as a celebrity and featured Paris in it, her mom was very upset and asked for their contribution back. Paris may still hold some disdain for McCain for that reason. Also he and Biden are like crazy old. And Biden's had two brain aneurysms so she may think he's going to die on her.

Sarah Palin is probably too old fashioned for Paris. Probably too much like one of her mom's friends. So in the end she'd pick Obama although I don't know how much he'd like to be associated with her.

(Check out Jordan's personal blog for more political coverage, including this shocking-yet-not-shocking interview with rapping-dumbass DMX.)

Stop Already: Oprah, Oprah, Oprah

You know what? I'm tired of hearing about what Oprah's doing. Oprah won't have Sarah Palin on her show! Oprah is endorsing Obama! Oprah cried her eyelashes off at the Democratic National Convention! A young lady was physically abused at Oprah's all-girl's school in Africa! Oprah took a dump the size of the Hindenburg! Oprah! Oprah! Futhermucking Oprah!

Now, I'm not one of those Oprah haters. A lot of people (i.e. stand up comedians, Conserative talk show hosts, that clearly psychotic administrative assistant who keeps to himself in the break room) think Oprah is evil and should be stopped at all costs. They want nothing more than to declare open war on Oprah Winfrey and everything she stands for. To those people, I say, Oprah gives away cars. Evil? I think not.

Without a doubt, Oprah has done a lot of good in her time on this planet so far:

1. She got people interested in books again. I've read several of Oprah's personal choices (Middlesex, The Road, She's Come Undone) and enjoyed them very much. To be fair though, it really wasn't Oprah's name on the cover that piqued my interest, but it probably worked on other people (your mom).

2. She gave the world Dr. Phil. Love him or hate him, Dr. Phil exists, so you better get used to it. Forget the fact that he's not technically licensed to practice psychology anywhere and in 1989 was sanctioned for unethical behavior: he tells it like it is, man. You don't need no fancy license to tell the truth, do you? If life was fair, everyone on the planet would be given the chance to host their own Dr. Phil-style program on TV. The man simply imparts common sense life lessons to his supremely fucked-up guests and then offers to get them professional help and pay for it. Dr. Phil was friends with Oprah, so he has a show, now in its sixth season. I am not currently tight with Oprah, so I do whatever it is I do everyday not on TV.

3. She made it possible for 250 students from around the country to complete their college education. That's totally nice, c'mon!

4. She gives away free shit. Have you ever seen one of those Oprah's Favorite Things shows? Those bitches go nuts!

5. She exposed Tom Cruise's insanity to the world. For that she should win a Medal of Freedom.

So, Oprah, the person, is not so bad. What's crisping my hashbrowns is having to hear about what she's doing every second of every day over the last few weeks. She's not having Sarah Palin on her show? Who gives a shit? She's not having any of the political candidates on her show until the election is over. I know the media so desperately wants to turn this story into a Republicans versus Democrats Pay-Per-View Smackdown, but it's not one, so shut up! And I'm glad Oprah got emotional at the DNC, but a lot of people did. Why do I, Matt Lawson, office drone and amateur blogger, know that Oprah cried her eyelashes off during Barack Obama's DNC speech? This isn't knowledge that should be cluttering up my brain.

Tell you what, if Oprah Winfrey discovers a cure for cancer, let me know. If Oprah Winfrey single-handedly defeats an extraterrestrial race bent on the destruction of Earth and the enslavement of its people, alert me. Other than that, I don't mind being left in the dark as to Ms. Winfrey's daily routine.

In fact, if the next time I hear Oprah's name mentioned on the news and it isn't followed by the phrase "...gave Matt Lawson millions of dollars yesterday" you can just assume I don't care. All this Oprah talk. Ugh. Just

STOP ALREADY

Talkin' Politics: Volume 1

A lot of readers thought I was sending a message by ignoring the Republican National Convention last week. I was. I'm only one man. I have obligations that make it impossible to get in my preferred ten hours of television a day. Sometimes things fall by the wayside. Those things usually have to do with politics or televised golf.

No more! As my dad said last weekend while showing me a clip of an uncomfortable looking John McCain he'd recorded off Fox News, if you're not excited about this year's presidential race you can go sodomize yourself (I'm kidding--my dad didn't say that). These are exciting times, my fellow Americans, but unlike you I'm not that well-versed in the whole politics thing. So, I've turned to my good friend, Jordan Beall, with some questions about just what the hell is going on right now. This man eats, sleeps, and farts politics, so I've deemed him more than worthy to be GEP's very own political correspondent for a new feature I'm calling Talkin' Politics! So, let's start talkin'.

Matt: First off, what the heck was John McCain thinking?

Jordan: According to the Washington Post, McCain first wanted Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman or former PA Governor Tom Ridge to be his VP. But they are both liberal on social issues and the McCain team advised strongly against choosing either of them, believing it would lead to a protest on the convention floor. Sarah Palin's name had been floating around for a while, even The Weekly Standard had been pushing for her. McCain meet her last February at a governor's convention and was really taken by her intelligence and personality.

M: I've read that McCain is a big 30 Rock fan. Did he somehow get confused and think he was picking Tina Fey for VP? I mean, he's a 92 year old man, for God's sake.

J: I doubt he confused the two, but her resemblance to Tina Fey may have been the deciding factor that sealed the deal for him. McCain did host SNL back in 2001 and has fond memories of the show. I heard Lorne Michaels hired Tina Fey because of her resemblance to Sarah Palin, whom he met on a hunting trip to Alaska many years ago.

M: Is McCain telling the truth? Did he really know about all the shenanigans going on in the Palin family when he chose Sarah as his running mate?

J: Yes, when McCain's team first met with Palin in Alaska about possibly being the VP pick, Palin disclosed to them upfront that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant. McCain's team did some more investigating of her background before giving her their seal of approval. As for the Troopergate story with allegations that Palin pressured the state to fire her ex-brother-in-law, that has been in the news for a long time and McCain's team knew about that before visiting her.

But the process to select her was very quick. Obama's team spent months investigating all his possible VP picks, whereas McCain's team only spent a week or less investigating Palin. So there is a possibility something else could blow up.

M: And something else did, right? The whole affair with her husband's friend thing. And doesn't she advocate the hunting of wolves from airplanes?

J: The National Enquirer is claiming Palin had an affair with a business partner of her husband's. But the Enquirer is also claiming Laura Bush is going to divorce President Bush when they leave office (har har). The Enquirer has been challenged to support its Palin claims, but their only defense of the article was essentially "take our word for it."

M: I'll take your unwillingness to talk about shooting wolves from a commercial jetliner as support for the practice. So, was Sarah Palin the best choice?

J: Sarah Palin's nomination has electrified the party more than anyone else could. For three reasons:

1) She's one of them. She and the conservative base of the party share the same positions on all the major issues and they are very happy about that. McCain has been known to shun them over the years and that has caused a rift between him and a large section of the party. While they would mostly still vote for him, they wouldn't work the phones, volunteer, or push their friends to go out and vote. Now with Palin on the ticket they will be happy to do the legwork.

2) She's a woman and that would be a real feather in the cap for the Republicans to be the ones to make history by electing the first woman to national office - the party that is suppose to be full of the bigots and sexists - the anti-social progress party.

3) All the aesthetic things about her - she's beautiful, she knows who to fire a rifle and drive a snowmobile. She eats moose burgers and has five children. Her son is going to Iraq soon and even the fact her daughter is pregnant has generated much symphony among the social conservatives, boosting her appeal as a regular person with all the same problems anyone else has (FYI, the Bible Belt has the largest number of unwed pregnancies in the country).

M: Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin in a debate: What does that look like?

J: Joe Biden has lots of experience as a six-term US senator. But he has a history of putting his foot in his mouth. Reporters call him a windbag because he can't give a simple short answer. He likes to drown on and on. The mystery of Sarah Palin will bring lots of attention to the debate. Biden will have to be careful not to be seen beating up on her or being condescending since there appears to be a sizable number of Hillary Clinton supporters who are still cool to voting for Obama.

M: How do you think Jack and Kate are going to get back to the island? Will Hugo go with them?

J: I believe they will all make it back to the island. I'm sure Ben has some magic way to find the island's new location. Also we'll see flashbacks of what happened to Locke after the survivors left. I'm sure before they leave we'll see the Oceanic 6 filling out their absentee ballots for McCain or Obama. It will be a very special election episode where the subject of the island will be put on hold and the characters all discuss and debate the issue of high gas prices and off shore drilling.

M: What are you most excited about in the coming months regarding the presidential race?

J: Sarah Palin. She is the great unknown. As Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal, she will either be a spectacular success or a spectacular failure.

Juno vs. Juneau

America's best source for political coverage, Entertainment Tonight, made the most thought-provoking observation this week: Bristol Palin's current "situation" is exactly like that of ficitonal movie teen Juno MacGuff. Honest to blog, Entertainment Tonight, is there any story you can't make more trite and ridiculous? Bristol, like Juno, is a pregnant, unwed teenager, but that's where the similarities end, unless I missed something. It's been awhile since I watched Juno and I didn't have time to review the film before filing this report. Let's take a look at some of the differences between Bristol Palin's real-life baby-drama and the whimsical world of Juno MacGuff

1. I've yet to find any evidence that Bristol Palin talks in contrived hipster slang. In fact, I'm not sure anyone in the world utilizes Juno's lexicon on a daily basis without irony. The jury is still out on whether or not Bristol owns a hamburger-shaped phone.

2. Let's take a quick look at the baby-daddys. On the left you've got Paulie Bleeker- he runs track, his favorite dinner is breakfast, and he is cool seemingly without having to try. On the right, Levi Johnston-he plays hockey, sports douchey facial fuzz, and until it was recently removed from the internets, he enjoyed expounding on his hatred for fatherhood via MySpace. One is a quiet, sensitive, guitar-playing geek, the other, a young man who got himself dragged into the public spotlight during one of the most hotly contestested presidential races in recorded history. Hey, Levi, wear a condom next time, brah.

3. Nobody in Juno's family was pursuing political office. Her stepmom painted fingernails, for God's sake. Bristol Palin's mother is the governor of Alaska and the potential vice president of the whole United States of America. No-name high school girls from nobody families get knocked up every single day--it's no big deal, it's expected. But when a Republican governor who has called for an abstinence-only sex-ed curriculum in Alaskan schools and recently reduced State funds going to support a group home for unwed teenage mothers is your mommy, you've got a PR problem much worse than McCain and Company want to admit.

4. Juno is ficitional. Her story is over. The true life story of Bristol Palin has just begun. I better get my popcorn refill before I miss something good.

2008 Democratic National Convention 2008: The wackiness begins!

At the conclusion of the Olympic games I found myself without an outlet for my patriotism. Seemingly my only options were to either create macaroni flag pictures for my bedroom walls or join the Army, and I don't know if you've heard, but there's a war on! Luckily, the good old Democratic Party decided to throw a big party in Denver this week. Hooray for America! Who's ready for some fun, huh?
A hat is a great way to show fellow convention-goers and avid C-Span viewers what you believe. Here a woman in a stars-n-stripes print cowboy hat wants you to know that she sees Obama in America's future and she couldn't be happier (unless I'm misreading her facial expression--she's either overcome with orgasmic patriotism or preparing to chew the face off of the hapless cameraman snapping the shot). It's a worthy effort, but I'm not impressed.
Now there's a message I can get behind. I don't know what this young woman is trying to say exactly, but her hat is ten times wackier than Ms. Obama Hat's hat. The wackier the hat, the more you care about your issue, therefore, the more I care. It's scientific, people! Read a book.
Here's another example of Big Wacky being better (i.e., funnier) than Small, or Kinda, Wacky. Some hippies really went all out with this expression of protest. Now even God Himself can see their message and join the rest of us in ignoring it. If the Democratic National Convention is, in fact, destroying unborn children though, they need to knock it off. Unless it's for a good cause.
Food has gotten wackier too, albeit, in name only. This just goes to show you that some of America's brightest creative minds can be found in the sidewalk wiener distribution industry.
And here's a convetion-goer enjoying a thick, sloppy...HOLY SHIT! What the hell is that on her shoulder? Chucky in an Uncle Sam costume? A wiley leprechaun sent by Ireland to steal our secret plans? A primordial dwarf on assignment for the Maury Povich Show?
John Legend and the Democratic National Choir were okay, but I preferred the musical stylings of these two brothers who brought the crowd to its feet following a lovely medley of patriotic tunes. (This, unfortunately, never happened)
Corn Hat! A classic move from Iowa.
My personal favorite conventioneer thus far, but hey, who knows how many more whack-jobs, weirdos, and Kennedys will show up--the DNC is just getting started!