Talkin' Politics: Is America Totally Doomed or Completely Screwed?

I met a man on the streets of Raleigh last week who had recently lost his job, been assaulted by his ex-wife, and was currently living in a forest. "I may live in the woods," he said gruffly, "but I'm a hard workin' sum bitch." My heart went out to this nameless citizen of the streets and I pondered the current economic situation in our country. That gave me a headache and I decided the only remedy would be to talk with my old friend Jordan Beall, GEP's political correspondent and owner/operator of his own blog, The BeAll End All.

GEP: What the fuck is going on?!?

Jordan: The economy is bad. First the real estate market melted with all the defaulted mortgages that suddenly hit. Then the banks and insurance companies that held these mortgages overextended themselves, took on too much debt. The markets went down because mark-to-market rules on company holdings caused their total value to go down and they lost more money (at least on paper), but that causes their stocks to tank and companies started laying people off or closing down. More unemployed people and fewer businesses making money means few tax payers, so now all the state and local governments are hurting for money and states like NC will start increasing taxes and fees or making cuts on jobs and services. So it's all a bad domino effect.

GEP: But dominoes are supposed to be fun. Remember Domino Rally?

Until recently all we saw on the nightly news and in our daily periodicals were stories about wacky celebrity antics, like Britney Spears' ongoing battle with batshit insanity, Lindsay Lohan's dysfunctional faux-lesbian relationship, and the latest addition to Brangelina's unholy brood. Now it's all doom and gloom and we're all going to lose our jobs and be forced to root through trash bins and landfills for sustenance. What needs to happen so we can return to the frothy celebrity stories of yore?

Jordan: According to Newsweek magazine, based on just the normal expect annual growth of the markets, it will take 8 years for us to the return to the level we were at in Sept '07. But that only starts once everything stabilizes. Until then I'm sure we'll get back into our normal celeb stalking. Perhaps Vanessa Hudgens will take another photo of herself. For the country's sake I sure hope so.

GEP: I can't disagree with that and wouldn't if I could. Incidentally, which celebrities have been hit hardest by the current economic downturn?

Jordan: Warren Buffett, the richest man in the world, lost over 50 percent of his portfolio's value last year. Now he's just the second richest man in the world. (Loser! *Chuckle*)

GEP: What has President Obama done right so far, in your opinion?

Jordan: Pres Obama hasn't had any effect so far. Congress passed his stimulus package, but that will take some time to kick in and show if it works. Theres already talk that a second stimulus needs to be done later this year. As far as fixing the banks and financial institutions, the Tres Secry Tim Gaitner has received an "F" for his communication skills explaining how the government will deal with the banks. No one yet knows what the plan is exactly. With the Treasury Dept, New York Reserve, Fed Reserve and Congress all involved in this rescue, there is worry there are too many involved and too much government oversight is just as bad as none at all.

GEP: When can our readers expect to lose their homes and get fired from their jobs?

Jordan: Well, if you work for a state govt office that deals with child support or teach special needs kids, expect to be unemployed and homeless by the end of the year. As for everyone else, you will be eating fancy steak dinners and drinking exotic liquors from the Orient. That is unless you notice your boss weeping in his office and everyone you work with getting really thin. Then brace yourself for trouble.

GEP: I just read in the paper that AIG is asking those who received bonuses to give them back, but they're not making it mandatory. I've heard convincing arguments on both sides, but what do you think about the AIG thing?

Jordan: Legally, I don't think anyone can do anything about it. I think it was poorly handled and the employees will get their bonuses, but I assume many of the employees will give them back. But this makes AIG look bad and will have hurt the company's image further. Don't be surprised if they change their name next year.

GEP: Finally, moving to Russian politics, have you seen this chick yet:

GEP: Be honest: would you hit that?

Jordan: Hmmm, hard to say. Those pictures don't show much. And I have a weird feeling that Putin would be watching from a two way mirror or videotaping it for future distribution.

Talkin' Politics: Volume 3

Last night saw the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. For reaction and explanation we turn to political correspondent, Jordan Beall, who is currently suffering from a sore knee.

Matt: I'm sorry to hear about your sore right knee. I hope it's nothing serious.

What is your take on this whole "that one" controversy?



Jordan: I listened to the debate from the TV, so I didn't catch the 'that one' comment when it occurred. I watched the various post-debate shows and no one mentioned it. Just goes to prove that you can't judge these things right when they end. You need to let it sink in. I don't know how it will play out. I see now on the Huffington Post, which is a left-leaning blogging/news site, that several of their bloggers are writing about the 'that one' comment. The emphasis is that McCain must be a racist, or that he just doesn't like Obama. McCain's aides will denounce the suggestion he's racist and then next reporters will ask Obama what he thinks. So I'm sure it will be a story that last a couple days at least.

M: I don't think McCain is a racist, but I do think his comment showed a lack of respect. Some people are saying it may be in retalliation to Obama referring to McCain simply as "John" during the first debate. I think it's an example of John McCain barely being able to reign in his legendary bad temper.

Are adults really this childish? Say it ain't so, Joe.

J: I don't think McCain likes Obama much. If there is a rift between the two it probably started in 2006 when Obama was a freshman senator.

In a private meeting Obama approached McCain about working with him on McCain's bill to reform ethics and lobbying laws. McCain accepted and said he'd be happy to join forces. But then a few days later Obama changed his mind and wrote a letter to McCain announcing he was switching his position to now just supporting the Democrats' version of the lobbying reform bill.

McCain felt that Obama had been disingenuousness in their meeting and he fired back a sarcastic letter claiming Obama was just another politician who says one thing and does something else.

"I would like to apologize to you for assuming that your private assurances to me regarding your desire to cooperate in our efforts to negotiate bipartisan lobbying reform were sincere," McCain wrote.

The exchange got a lot of attention at the time. You can read about it at Hotline.com (http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2006/02/an_outraged_sen.html)

This event sprung up again this summer at the Saddleback Ranch Forum. Obama was asked about his history of working together with Republicans and Obama cited that he worked with McCain on ethics reform, which McCain and many reporters said was untrue and pointed to the above incident.

M: That's interesting. How do politicians justify stretching the truth? I mean, I guess in a debate where one is supposedly speaking 'off the cuff' it's easy to misspeak, but I don't know...the whole thing seems slightly dubious. Obama knows what he did, so why fudge the facts?

J: Because politicians lie and stretch the truth anyway they can, Matt you gullible little punk! Btw, I need your social security number and mother's maiden name for a super awesome thing I'm doing.

M: Oh, sure. My mother's maiden name was Wolfe and my social security number is...hey, wait a minute! You scamp!

So, politicians stretch the truth, but why? These days it's fairly simple to do a modicum of research and catch politicians in lies and half truths. Is this just a practice that we'll never understand? Is this what they mean when they say "politics as usual?"

J: It is much easier to find out when someone is lying. The late political reporter Jack Germond said never before has politics become more honest because it's so much easier to fact check what people say in public.

But in politics perception is reality. And so parties and politicians will cite half-truths, overexaggerate, and float misinformation out there to confuse people. And they do it on everything. Sometimes a person will slip up and say something without fully thinking it over, but his opponents jump on it and denounce the words used. Even if the speaker follows up with "what I really meant to say was..." the other side goes "No No No, this is what you said..."

Right now Obama's campaign is brining up McCain's involvement in the Keating Five - five senators in the 80s who were investigated for taking money and doing favors for a crooked businessman named Charles Keating. McCain was one of the 5 senators investigated. In the end he was cleared of all wrongdoings. If he was cleared why bring it up? Well many people don't know or remember the 80s that well and if you can slip in enough enuendo about the investigation then that will tarnish McCain's image. So they mention that he was part of a the scandal, but they don't mention how it ended. Also Obama has been campaigning in Ohio with fmr Sen. John Glenn, who was also a member of the Keating 5. So if McCain is bad then why is Glenn good when they were both investigated and cleared?

Likewise, Obama is neighbors with and worked on various education initiatives with William Ayers, a former 60s terrorists who is now a college professor. Ayers set off many bombs in government buildings long ago and later wrote a book and gave interviews expressing unrepentance over what he did and wished that he had done more. The Republicans are all over Obama for knowing and working with Ayers. But Ayers is a very promenient figure in Chicago who has a long history of working with Republicans on education issues as well. But that doesn't get mentioned when they attack Obama.

M: Well, it's all pretty shady.

Quickly, in two sentences or less for each, what do the candidates need to do now to become our next president?

J: McCain - prove Obama is too inexperienced to be president in these tough times.

Obama - connect Bush to McCain and prove McCain is more of the same.

Talkin' Politics: Volume 2

We checked in with GEP political correspondent Jordan Beall and asked him about the first debate, the state of our economy, and Paris Hilton's BFF.

Matt: So, who won the debate?

Jordan: Some people thought McCain won. Others thought Obama won. But the real winner was the American people :)

Actually it was a tie. Browsing both liberal and conservative sites they would say their guy won, but both added "needs to do better next time." Both candidates played it safe for the most part. The consensus is that Obama was at his best during the first half of the debate when the topic was the economy and McCain won the second half of the debate when it was about national security.

Since neither one trounced the other, fake outrage has been drawn up. Republicans cite that Obama said he agreed with McCain 11 times during the debate and that he always referred to McCain as just John and never Senator. Meanwhile, Democrats are mad that McCain rarely ever looked at Obama while speaking and body language experts are trying to read his facial expressions to see if he was snubbing Obama.

M: I actually didn't get to watch all of the debate. The wife and I were out with some friends at a local eatery. It was on, but the only thing I could hear was McCain whistling. What was up with that? Did he not put his dentures in correctly? Did he possibly break a tooth on a candy apple?

J: Midway through the debate McCain started whistling a song he once heard his great-great granddaughter singing back in 1932. Obama's rebuttal consisted of a improv rap called "Bush is a Gangsta." The moderator, Jim Leeher, sounded the bell and started the next round of questioning about Iraqi national security.

M: OK, pretend for a moment that I am a simpleton, an idiot, a drooling manchild with a questionable IQ and poor dental hygiene--not quite Simple Jack, not full on Forrest Gump, but, like, kind of dopey. Explain this whole economic crisis to me.

J: Well it's very complicated. It's no surprise that Americans live in debt. Instead of cash many of us live off credit. The average American household carrys about $8,000 in credit card debt. About 43% of American families spend more than they earn each year, and personal bankruptcies have doubled in the past decade.

So for a long time now banks and other financial institutions have been giving out loans to people who couldn't afford to pay them back, particularly loans to buy houses.

The most common problem has been with banks giving home loans to low income people who really couldn't afford to pay them back. And eventually all these bad loans came to the surface at the same time creating trillions of dollars of more bad debt. Banks lose the money, they get the deed to the house, but the country is also in a housing crisis - there are more houses on the market for sale than people willing to buy them, so the value of the homes nationwide are dropping as are mortgage-backed securities. So the banks are stuck with lots of worthless paper they can't unload.

On top of that we have a process called securitization, where a bank or lender can sell the rights of the mortgage payments and risk to a private investor. But so many bad loans with high risk were traded around that the market as a whole is getting hurt, not just big banks and mortgage companies.

Also we have seen a rise in the country's unemployment rate and a rise worldwide in oil prices which caused the prices of everything else to go up.

Some people blame the gov't oversight agencies for not keeping their eye on these loans happening or at the government for not giving them the authority to regulate these loans. Some point to laws passed in the 90s that made it easier for low income people to get loans...

M: Whoa, whoa, whoa--sum it up in three words.

J: Bad-Loans-Suck (Hard)

M: If the economic crisis was a sound, what would that sound be?

J: The sound would be like a huge tornado swirling around.

M: So, whoosh, maybe? Like, a continuous whoosh-whoosh-whoosh?

J: Yeah, like a whirlwind of crashing and banging with some light crying in the background and an elderly woman yelling "Skeetor! The tornada' knocked over my trailer!"

M: The premiere of Paris Hilton Is My New BFF is tonight and I wondered if all the candidates-presidential and vice presidential--appeared on this show, who'd go away claiming Ms. Hilton as their BFF?

J: I think that Paris would probably pick Barack Obama as her BFF. Her parents are McCain supporters, but after his campaign ran a TV ad that mocked Obama as a celebrity and featured Paris in it, her mom was very upset and asked for their contribution back. Paris may still hold some disdain for McCain for that reason. Also he and Biden are like crazy old. And Biden's had two brain aneurysms so she may think he's going to die on her.

Sarah Palin is probably too old fashioned for Paris. Probably too much like one of her mom's friends. So in the end she'd pick Obama although I don't know how much he'd like to be associated with her.

(Check out Jordan's personal blog for more political coverage, including this shocking-yet-not-shocking interview with rapping-dumbass DMX.)

Talkin' Politics: Volume 1

A lot of readers thought I was sending a message by ignoring the Republican National Convention last week. I was. I'm only one man. I have obligations that make it impossible to get in my preferred ten hours of television a day. Sometimes things fall by the wayside. Those things usually have to do with politics or televised golf.

No more! As my dad said last weekend while showing me a clip of an uncomfortable looking John McCain he'd recorded off Fox News, if you're not excited about this year's presidential race you can go sodomize yourself (I'm kidding--my dad didn't say that). These are exciting times, my fellow Americans, but unlike you I'm not that well-versed in the whole politics thing. So, I've turned to my good friend, Jordan Beall, with some questions about just what the hell is going on right now. This man eats, sleeps, and farts politics, so I've deemed him more than worthy to be GEP's very own political correspondent for a new feature I'm calling Talkin' Politics! So, let's start talkin'.

Matt: First off, what the heck was John McCain thinking?

Jordan: According to the Washington Post, McCain first wanted Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman or former PA Governor Tom Ridge to be his VP. But they are both liberal on social issues and the McCain team advised strongly against choosing either of them, believing it would lead to a protest on the convention floor. Sarah Palin's name had been floating around for a while, even The Weekly Standard had been pushing for her. McCain meet her last February at a governor's convention and was really taken by her intelligence and personality.

M: I've read that McCain is a big 30 Rock fan. Did he somehow get confused and think he was picking Tina Fey for VP? I mean, he's a 92 year old man, for God's sake.

J: I doubt he confused the two, but her resemblance to Tina Fey may have been the deciding factor that sealed the deal for him. McCain did host SNL back in 2001 and has fond memories of the show. I heard Lorne Michaels hired Tina Fey because of her resemblance to Sarah Palin, whom he met on a hunting trip to Alaska many years ago.

M: Is McCain telling the truth? Did he really know about all the shenanigans going on in the Palin family when he chose Sarah as his running mate?

J: Yes, when McCain's team first met with Palin in Alaska about possibly being the VP pick, Palin disclosed to them upfront that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant. McCain's team did some more investigating of her background before giving her their seal of approval. As for the Troopergate story with allegations that Palin pressured the state to fire her ex-brother-in-law, that has been in the news for a long time and McCain's team knew about that before visiting her.

But the process to select her was very quick. Obama's team spent months investigating all his possible VP picks, whereas McCain's team only spent a week or less investigating Palin. So there is a possibility something else could blow up.

M: And something else did, right? The whole affair with her husband's friend thing. And doesn't she advocate the hunting of wolves from airplanes?

J: The National Enquirer is claiming Palin had an affair with a business partner of her husband's. But the Enquirer is also claiming Laura Bush is going to divorce President Bush when they leave office (har har). The Enquirer has been challenged to support its Palin claims, but their only defense of the article was essentially "take our word for it."

M: I'll take your unwillingness to talk about shooting wolves from a commercial jetliner as support for the practice. So, was Sarah Palin the best choice?

J: Sarah Palin's nomination has electrified the party more than anyone else could. For three reasons:

1) She's one of them. She and the conservative base of the party share the same positions on all the major issues and they are very happy about that. McCain has been known to shun them over the years and that has caused a rift between him and a large section of the party. While they would mostly still vote for him, they wouldn't work the phones, volunteer, or push their friends to go out and vote. Now with Palin on the ticket they will be happy to do the legwork.

2) She's a woman and that would be a real feather in the cap for the Republicans to be the ones to make history by electing the first woman to national office - the party that is suppose to be full of the bigots and sexists - the anti-social progress party.

3) All the aesthetic things about her - she's beautiful, she knows who to fire a rifle and drive a snowmobile. She eats moose burgers and has five children. Her son is going to Iraq soon and even the fact her daughter is pregnant has generated much symphony among the social conservatives, boosting her appeal as a regular person with all the same problems anyone else has (FYI, the Bible Belt has the largest number of unwed pregnancies in the country).

M: Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin in a debate: What does that look like?

J: Joe Biden has lots of experience as a six-term US senator. But he has a history of putting his foot in his mouth. Reporters call him a windbag because he can't give a simple short answer. He likes to drown on and on. The mystery of Sarah Palin will bring lots of attention to the debate. Biden will have to be careful not to be seen beating up on her or being condescending since there appears to be a sizable number of Hillary Clinton supporters who are still cool to voting for Obama.

M: How do you think Jack and Kate are going to get back to the island? Will Hugo go with them?

J: I believe they will all make it back to the island. I'm sure Ben has some magic way to find the island's new location. Also we'll see flashbacks of what happened to Locke after the survivors left. I'm sure before they leave we'll see the Oceanic 6 filling out their absentee ballots for McCain or Obama. It will be a very special election episode where the subject of the island will be put on hold and the characters all discuss and debate the issue of high gas prices and off shore drilling.

M: What are you most excited about in the coming months regarding the presidential race?

J: Sarah Palin. She is the great unknown. As Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal, she will either be a spectacular success or a spectacular failure.