You know what? I'm tired of hearing about what Oprah's doing. Oprah won't have Sarah Palin on her show! Oprah is endorsing Obama! Oprah cried her eyelashes off at the Democratic National Convention! A young lady was physically abused at Oprah's all-girl's school in Africa! Oprah took a dump the size of the Hindenburg! Oprah! Oprah! Futhermucking Oprah!Now, I'm not one of those Oprah haters. A lot of people (i.e. stand up comedians, Conserative talk show hosts, that clearly psychotic administrative assistant who keeps to himself in the break room) think Oprah is evil and should be stopped at all costs. They want nothing more than to declare open war on Oprah Winfrey and everything she stands for. To those people, I say, Oprah gives away cars. Evil? I think not.
Without a doubt, Oprah has done a lot of good in her time on this planet so far:
1. She got people interested in books again. I've read several of Oprah's personal choices (Middlesex, The Road, She's Come Undone) and enjoyed them very much. To be fair though, it really wasn't Oprah's name on the cover that piqued my interest, but it probably worked on other people (your mom).
2. She gave the world Dr. Phil. Love him or hate him, Dr. Phil exists, so you better get used to it. Forget the fact that he's not technically licensed to practice psychology anywhere and in 1989 was sanctioned for unethical behavior: he tells it like it is, man. You don't need no fancy license to tell the truth, do you? If life was fair, everyone on the planet would be given the chance to host their own Dr. Phil-style program on TV. The man simply imparts common sense life lessons to his supremely fucked-up guests and then offers to get them professional help and pay for it. Dr. Phil was friends with Oprah, so he has a show, now in its sixth season. I am not currently tight with Oprah, so I do whatever it is I do everyday not on TV.
3. She made it possible for 250 students from around the country to complete their college education. That's totally nice, c'mon!
4. She gives away free shit. Have you ever seen one of those Oprah's Favorite Things shows? Those bitches go nuts!
5. She exposed Tom Cruise's insanity to the world. For that she should win a Medal of Freedom.
So, Oprah, the person, is not so bad. What's crisping my hashbrowns is having to hear about what she's doing every second of every day over the last few weeks. She's not having Sarah Palin on her show? Who gives a shit? She's not having any of the political candidates on her show until the election is over. I know the media so desperately wants to turn this story into a Republicans versus Democrats Pay-Per-View Smackdown, but it's not one, so shut up! And I'm glad Oprah got emotional at the DNC, but a lot of people did. Why do I, Matt Lawson, office drone and amateur blogger, know that Oprah cried her eyelashes off during Barack Obama's DNC speech? This isn't knowledge that should be cluttering up my brain.Tell you what, if Oprah Winfrey discovers a cure for cancer, let me know. If Oprah Winfrey single-handedly defeats an extraterrestrial race bent on the destruction of Earth and the enslavement of its people, alert me. Other than that, I don't mind being left in the dark as to Ms. Winfrey's daily routine.
In fact, if the next time I hear Oprah's name mentioned on the news and it isn't followed by the phrase "...gave Matt Lawson millions of dollars yesterday" you can just assume I don't care. All this Oprah talk. Ugh. Just
STOP ALREADY
