Many of you were probably saying, "It was just a matter of time, duh!" when a video of Miley "Hannah Montana" Cyrus--Disney owned and operated since the mid-2000's--emerged last week showing the recently-turned-eighteen-year-old, smoking Salvia, a perfectly-legal-for-some-reason hallucinogenic herb, and momentarily losing her mind (If you haven't seen it, you can watch the video here at the bottom of the article). To some, the video was hilarious. Did you know that there are adult people in this country that actually devote at least part of their day to actively hate Miley Cyrus, her music, her sitcom for preteens, and every twangy word that comes out of her mouth. So, I'm sure watching her smoke from a bong, babble incoherently for two minutes, and melt into a glassy-eyed pile of giggles was a real coup for them, a laugh riot. "Yeah, that bitch who shouts dumb jokes for toddlers on the Disney channel finally got what she deserved." OK...?
To others, the video was sad: parents who believed Miley might be one of the few child stars to emerge from the Disney machine pure. Billy Ray Cyrus sure wasn't happy about things, tweeting: "Sorry guys. I had no idea" and ""There is much beyond my control right now." Billy Ray ain't having a very holly jolly Christmas all around this year, what, with his impending divorce and his wife probably banging reality television's Bret Michaels. If it's any consolation, Billy, there comes a day when each one of us will wake up in bed next to Michaels. It's better to just roll with it and not get bogged down with the hows and whys. It's just inevitable.
My reaction was kind of a combination of the two. It's sad because even when she was taking cellphone pictures of her underthings and grinding on a stripper pole at the Kid Awards, or whatever the hell that was, I believed she would one day realize she was in danger of becoming a boring cliche and turn it around. On the other hand, the video is kinda funny because, wow, Salvia apparently fucks you up! I mean, Miley goes from 0 to nutso in mere seconds. Oh, it's also funny because it made me imagine, like, what if she was smoking that shit with the kid who plays Rico on her TV show and there was a video of him experiencing a Salvia-fueled freak out? That would be hilarious, minus the sad. But I digress.
The truth is, Miley has officially become a boring cliche, no longer a Lindsay in training, she is on the fast track to rehab, which might be nice since I hear Demi Lovato is getting lonely.
And why the hell do I know who Demi Lovato is? I shouldn't know her name, but I do, because she apparently beat the shit out of a back-up dancer (I'm happy to report that I do not know why she has back-up dancers? Maybe she's in some kind of West Side Story-influenced street gang or something.) and checked herself in rehab. Another Disney kid on the road to ruin. In fact, Lindsay, Miley, and Demi aren't the only current and former Disney brats headed for disaster. Here is a rundown of other Disney stars on the edge of destruction:
Kyle Massey (That's So Raven; Cory in the House): Addicted to painkillers after his grueling schedule on Dancing with the Stars.
Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody; Zack and Cody: On a Boat): Four bag a day Cheetos habit.
Emily Osment (Hannah Montana): Rageaholic
Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical among other shitty things): Smokes rubber cement.
Allisyn Ashley Arm (Sonny With a Chance): Snorts cat poop.
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place): Makes and smokes her own bathtub meth.
Dylan Sprouse (Zack and Cody and such): Addicted to fatty porn.
You see? This is what happens when Mickey Mouse signs your checks!
Please, Miley, you're an adult now. It's time to stop being so immature and take a page from former Disney star Vanessa Hudgens. She was fond of the cellphone camera too, but she used hers to do something great.
DAY 3
-While waiting for our "less intense training" mission to begin on Mission to Space, a dude in my training module informs me that someone died at the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular on Tuesday afternoon. I immediately start laughing imagining the death to be that of a spectator. "No, really," he continues. "One of the performers died during a practice run." I express regret, then wonder why I thought the death of an audience member seemed so humorous to me.-It doesn't matter how many times you repeat instructions in English, Honey I Shrunk the Audience cast members, if 90% of the audience is a tour group from a Spanish-speaking country, they ain't gonna do what they're told.-Lunch in Norway. I tell Jen that I bet the young 20-somethings who come to Florida to work in the different countries at EPCOT totally get it on with each other on a regular basis. I mean, some of those Norwegian chicks are pretty hot.
-Chicken-flavored candy or candy-flavored chicken? You decide. Dinner at Nine Dragons in EPCOT China is lackluster. I've had just as delicious Chinese food at home.-Overheard while exiting the Monorail: "Stop that ridiculous singing. You don't gotta do that." -man to his nonsense-word singing son.-Early evening spent reading graphic novels.Day 4
-Karma shines its light on us, after a family of douchebags jumps in front of us to get on the bus to Animal Kingdom, as we arrive at the park before them on a much later bus. -Finish Animal Kingdom in record time because of a) the wife's almost supernatural planning abilities and b) the fact that there isn't that much to do there.
-Following a nap, we spend the afternoon dropping cash at various Downtown Disney stores. I provide a running commentary on the events of the day in a fakey British accent which, surprisingly, seems to delight my wife.-Skip Rapery & Gifts because I don't like what they've got to sell. Rape.
-Hop a bus to Wilderness Lodge to catch a bus to EPCOT for 6:35 dining reservations in EPCOT Germany. Watch a man and his girlfriend make out in front of girlfriend's daughter.-Mad dash to EPCOT Germany. Jen leaves me in the dust, but I somehow make it in time to stuff myself with German delights.-Overheard on the Monorail:Old Woman: (referring to Old Man seated beside her) There he goes. All you got to do is get him in the car and he falls asleep.Young Woman: (referring to baby girl on her knee) Same with this one. Isn't it funny how we're the same at the beginning of life and at the end of it?-Back to the room; watch the Magic Kingdom fireworks show from our balcony.
-I don't know why, but I think I sleep better in a $350.00 a night hotel room, especially when I'm only paying $68.00 to do so.-Finally fulfilled a childhood dream at 30: I got my picture taken with Alice. She told me that she liked my "spectacles" because they reminded her of the White Rabbit's. I told her I was a big fan...AND MEANT IT. Am I a dork? Oh, yes. Do I care what you think? Nope.-Here's a quick way to make yourself nauseous at the Magic Kingdom: ride the Tea Cups then immediately ride the Astro Orbiter.
-Hey, where's the voice-activated oven promised to me by the Carousel of Progress, man? Also, does the C of P guy look exactly like Norm MacDonald or is it just me?-There is nothing more invigorating than walking through Tomorrowland chewing on some beef jerky. Awesome.-Jen describes Big Thunder Railroad as "a ride for whores" after noticing that we are literally surrounded by total whores.-I suggest that "Tom Sawyer Island" should be renamed "Edward Cullen Island." The wife enjoys this new twist on yesterday's Twilight joke and I decide right then and there to keep this thing going all week. Later in the day, I see two girls in Twilight t-shirts and consider asking them if they've been to "Edward Cullen Island" yet, but Jen says that would be mean.
-I wonder how many people have been horribly injured while exploring the dimly lit caves on Tom Sawyer Island?-Idiots on the Barrel Bridge almost sink the damn thing. With some quick thinking, I'm able to keep my Chucks dry.-No mention of Jim on Tom Sawyer Island. Weird.-I don't care what anyone says, I love the Hall of Presidents. Jen says I just like any attraction that involves air conditioning and sitting down. She's probably right.-Back to the Grand Floridian for showers, naps, and Japanese TV. Based solely on their television programming, I'd say most Japanese people are completely batshit crazy. Why is that girl dressed like a robot penguin?
-Overheard outside the San Angel Inn restaurant in EPCOT Mexico: "I even told the lady I was from Alaska and this was my last night here and I still couldn't get a table."-The wife and I are NOT from Alaska and we made reservations a month ago, so we are seated promptly and treated to perhaps the best food I've ever put in my mouth (and I've put A LOT of food in my mouth, friends).-Spent almost $100.00 in EPCOT Japan, but we kinda already knew we would anyway. No one is dressed like a robot penguin.-On the monorail ride home, the wife and I discuss possible "Edward Cullen Island" attractions.
-My vacation starts with me trapping a mouse in my bathroom at 3:30 in the morning. I take it as a threat from you know who. Told the wife as soon as I caught up with Mickey I was going to punch him in the stomach.-Somehow I got us lost in the Orlando airport.-Got a hotel upgrade while checking in at Disney's All-Star Sports Resort, the cheapest rooms available on Disney property. Chosen at random to be transferred over to the Grand Floridian, Disney's finest resort. Jen has calculated that a five day stay at All-Star Sports is roughly the same price as one night at Grand Floridian. Disney truly is the happiest place on Earth and I am the happiest son of a bitch here.-Lunch at the 50's Prime Time Cafe, a goofy eatery where you eat in a room that resembles a kitchen from the 1950's and the waitress kind of acts like a bitchy, hard to please mom. They also serve ridiculous desserts like this one, Dad's Brownie Sundae:
I can't finish it and almost break a tooth on the candy mouse ears. And, yes, that is caramel corn.-Overheard at Disney's Hollywood Studios: "Shut the fuck up and walk" -mother to her teenage daughter.-British vactioner and redneck get into it in line for Toy Story Midway Mania. I side with the Brit, but stay uninvolved.-Sully is kind of a dick. He presented an open palm as if requesting for me to "give him some skin," but whisked his paw away at the last minute. I'm not really into being embarrassed by a smirking, blue furbag in front of a line of children. Eff you, Sully!
-The American Idol Experience is suprisingly entertaining for being based on a show I detest. Simon Cowell's American counterpart is my new favorite Disney character. I want to get my picture taken with him.-For some reason I decide that it would be funny to repeatedly ask my wife the location of the Twilight ride. I then start pointing out various teenage girls who I think might be fans of Stephanie Meyer's series of books and quip, "She probably knows." Jen is initially amused, but becomes less so as the day progresses.-Fight Club at Peco's Bill Taco Salad Emporium. A little girl goads her siblings with shoves, punches, and yelling while her parents just sit there. I think there might be something terribly wrong with this girl.
-High School Musical Sweet Red Apple Slices!!!-For some reason I decide that ever time I hear someone with a British accent say something I will turn to my wife and quote Paul Rudd from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, saying, "She/he sounds like she's/he's from Lon-don" in a fakey British accent. -In line for Splash Mountain, I accidentally see a little girl named Camilla lifting her dress over her head. I quickly look away, locking eyes with her older sister, who immediately begins yammering away to her mother in a language I think may be Russian. For a good minute and a half I think she's telling her mother about the bald, bearded pervert checking out her baby sister's naked body.-Also, Camilla is the only child I've ever seen who could give herself Shaken Baby Syndrome.-Guy behind us on Splash Mountain keeps giving away locations of drops to the people behind him thus ruining the ride for everyone.-I must admit: I've never understood a single thing any of the pirates in the Pirates of Carribbean ride are saying. Also, the Jack Sparrow robot is eerily lifelike.
Welcome to 5 Lamest..., a new GEP feature where we explore the lamer side of life. This week, in honor of my vacation in Walt Disney World, I present, in no particular order, the 5 Lamest Disney World Attractions:
1. Ellen's Energy Adventure (Epcot): This attraction is so 
lame riders are encouraged to exit before the thing even starts. As you walk inside the theater, a Disney employee stationed at the entrance informs you that the attraction will take 37 minutes to experience and suggests you may want to turn around and do something more worthwhile. Before the opening film segment, another 'cast member' reminds you that you are about to spend 37 minutes in the dark watching various unfunny movies starring comedian Ellen Degeneres and points out the nearest exit. After the opening movie you are given yet another chance to flee. Those who choose to stay move into the next room and sit, where they are reminded once again that they are about to spend 37 minutes listening to Bill Nye the Science Guy drone on about alternative energy sources and watch Ellen Dengeneres do that thing she does. There are animatronic dinosaurs, but overall Ellen's Energy Adventure is a dud.2. Cinderella's Carousel (Magic Kingdom): It's just a Merry-Go-Round, albeit, a prettier one than you would see at your local state fair. The only real reason this attraction makes our list is that on my first ride on it ever, some woman was standing in the wrong spot and after three ignored warnings from the ride operator, the carousel was shut down and we all had to exit in a sad, single-file line. Stupid lady!
3. Stitch's Great Escape (Magic Kingdom): A better name for this would be 15 Minutes With Air Conditioning. A less family friendly name would be Stitch's Big Waste of My Damn Time. Years ago this attraction was called Alien Encounter and it was scary and dark and, therefore, completely awesome. Now it's dark and smelly and not fun and stupid. Nobody really seemed into it. I had been warned by both my mother and fellow Disney World super-fan, Nick Tillman, to avoid this attraction like the bubonic plague, but my curiosity got the better of me. It was an action of which I will eternally be ashamed. The stink of Stitch's chili-dog breath will stay with me to the grave.
4. The Country Bear Jamboree (Magic Kingdom): Some attractions at the Magic Kingdom just need some sprucing up, and in my opinion Country Bear Jamboree is a worthy candidate. Let's put it this way: Disney Imagineers need to usher this glorified Chuck E Cheese robot review into the 21st century or just raze the building. Compared with shows like Animal Kingdom's Finding Nemo the Musical and It's Tough to be a Bug, Country Bear Jamboree just seems like a waste of precious energy. I mean, they refurbished the Tiki Room, why not give the Country Bears a spit shine? First of all the sound is horribly--I think they use a record or an 8-track to provide the music and singing--there are hisses and pops and a constant buzzing drone that often makes it difficult to understand a single thing that's being said. Next, like I stated earlier, there's nothing here that I can't see at Chuck E. Cheese and at least there I can eat pizza and play skeeball. 5. The Jungle Cruise (The Magic Kingdom): It pains me to include this ride as it was my very favorite when I was a child, but the Jungle Cruise is kind of lame. Maybe it's always been lame and I'm just now realizing it at 29. As most everyone knows, jungle cruise guides can no longer fire guns at the hippos and alligators. They still have the guns on board, but now they wave the gun around and shout "shoo, hippos, shoo." Are you kidding me? If you were in the actual jungle and a homicidal hippo was rushing your boat you'd light that fat ass up, I'm sorry. I love animals as much as the next guy, but what kid is going to believe they are in some kind of peril if you just kind of limp-wristedly wave a plastic pistol around and halfheartedly suggest that the animals please if you don't mind go somewhere else? Plus, and I know this is a major part of the ride, but do we really need the cheesy puns? One, only half of them are mildly amusing, and two, about half of your guest don't even speak English or don't speak it well enough to catch your clever (said sarcastically) wordplay. To be fair, that job seems kind of fun, but they'd never let me do my own material and that might eventually irk me.
So, the wife and I want to take the bus to Disney's Hollywood Studios last night to grab a bite to eat at Pizza Planet then take in the Fantasmic show at 9:00. We get to the bus stop with ample time to spare and, what luck, a bus is fast approaching. It hisses to a stop, but the front doors hesitate to slide open. The back doors hiss open though and the long process of removing the human cargo within begins. The human cargo, it turns out, is a slightly overweight family with a severely overweight matriarch. The bus lowers, the handicap ramp flips out onto the sidewalk, and Mama comes rolling down the ramp in her scooter-buggy, ass fat pouring over the worn leather seat like butterscotch on a soft-serve sundae. The family waddles/scooter-buggies inside the Pop Century Resort's commissary, most likely for frosty milkshakes and double-fudge chocolate cake, and the boarding of us none scooter-bound tourists can commence.I have seen three different types aboard these scooter-buggies over my last three days in the happiest place on Earth: those with broken legs, the elderly, and the morbidly obese. The last category of scooter-folk have been by far the largest group. Now the woman in my story was the kind of fat individual you might have once seen on the Jerry Springer show back in the day, you know, where Jerry would visit with his hefty guest inside a bedroom of which the wall was about to be knocked down, a crane at the ready to take fatty to the closest emergency room. Perhaps a day of walking for this type of obese person is difficult on the knees, hell on the lungs. Well, in that case, maybe you should considered losing the weight, I mean, for your health. I guarantee you would enjoy Disney World a lot more if you could walk on your own and perhaps not bring shame upon your extended family.
But, oh no, you see, the bulk of the scooter-fat can walk on two legs just as easily as you and me, my friends. I've seen them with my own two eyes--swapping scooter-time with their chubby relatives, making sure every fat-ass gets a ride on the shame-mobile. You see, if you are in a scooter-buggy-be you crippled, old, or big-boned-you get whisked to the front of every line. Oh, joy! Plus, everybody gets to wait for you to roll your lard-butt onto the motor-coaches to and from the hotels.Listen, fatties, the scooters are for Granny or Cousin Waldo with the gimpy leg or Uncle Benny who everyone knows will have to be buried in a grand piano when he passes, not for everyone who just couldn't control themselves at Epcot Germany's Biergarten Restaurant's all-you-care-to-eat buffet. Go on a diet and wait until you think you can spend a day walking around an amusement park before you visit or map out your Disney vacation marking food stands and benches for resting on your official park maps, just don't rent a scooter-buggy and get in my way everywhere. I mean seriously, how many scooters am I gonna get trapped behind this week? They are literally everywhere. C'mon, fat-asses...
STOP ALREADY!!!
