6 Lamest Winter Olympics Mascots Ever

6. Schneemann (1976 Winter Olympics, Innsbruck)

Hey, Austria, I don't know how ya'll build snowmen over there in the Old Country, but in America our snowmen got torsos and rumps. I don't know about this freaky goblin snowman ya'll tried to pass off as an Olympic mascot way back in '76. There's nothing right about a snowman head with arms and legs growing out of it. I don't care how damn big its smile is.

Before I forget: Upon discovering the existence of the '76 Winter Olympics' terrifying mascot, I penned the following joke...

Q. Where does an Austrian snowman go to purchase overpriced polo shirts?

A. Schneemann Marcus!

Feel free to use that at your next '76 Winter Olympics-themed party.

5. The Snowlets-Sukki, Nooki, Lekki, and Tsukki (1998 Winter Olympics, Nagano)
These four misshapen lumps of fail represent the four major islands of Japan. Though I conducted several lengthy searches of the internet, I was unable to find the person (or persons) responsible for the monstrosities displayed before you, so I will go with my original assumption that they were created by an armless Japanese orphan raised in a dimly lit basement forced at gunpoint to draw four owls, an animal he had absolutely no knowledge of as he had never once been allowed to leave his basement prison, nor been given access to either books or a television on which to view nature documentaries.

Someone really should put the Snowlets out of their misery. Nobody wants to look at that.

4. Roni (1980 Winter Olympics, Lake Placid)
Look, it's not that I don't like the idea of a raccoon in ice skates, I do. It's just...well...Roni looks kinda like a pussy. That's all.

3. Magique (1992 Winter Olympics, Albertville)
Magique? Really? MAGIQUE???

Wikipedia describes Magique as a "man-star/snow imp." What the hell is a man-star? Whatever, France.

2. Hidy and Howdy (1988 Winter Olympics, Calgary)
Believe it or not, Hidy and Howdy are NOT a product of Texas. I was as surprised as you are. Let's forget the fact that holding the Winter Olympics in Texas is probably impossible. Don't you just get a whole "Texas vibe" off these two? I do.

I thought Canada was better than this, quite honestly. Teddy bears in Western wear? I've never been anywhere near Texas in my life, but that's exactly what I think of when I think of the Lone Star State. Go ahead. Next time you run into me ask, "Hey, Matt, I'm thinking about vacationing in Texas next summer. What do you think I should expect?" and just see if I don't answer, "Human-sized teddy bears in Western wear prolly." I guarantee I will.

Hidy and Howdy are supposed to represent Canadian hospitality, but I've never wanted to run away screaming from something more in my entire life.

1. Hakon and Kristin (1994 Winter Olympics, Lillehammer)
Here they are--the worst Winter Olympics' mascots of all time, Hakon and Kristin.

Now, I don't hate children, in fact, they have a lot of qualities I admire, but choosing two children dressed in traditional Norwegian garb to represent the Olympic Games to the world at large is super boring. I mean, Hildy, Howdy, and Roni are pretty lazy choices, but they're still anthropomorphic animals, and that trumps children every time. You gotta have pretty big balls to unleash something as anti-whimsical as Magique on the world, but Norwegian kids, well, that's just pathetic. I'll take any of these mascots (even, regrettably, Schneemann) over these two brats any day. For shame, Lillehammer.

5 Lamest Fads and Trends Throughout the Years

In three days, Hollywood will unleash the second film in the Twilight saga, New Moon, into American theaters. I can almost hear the squealing of a million preteen girls and their tragically delusional mothers now. To celebrate, GEP is taking a look back at some of the fads and trends that have come and (thankfully) gone over the past years in a little segment we like to call "5 Lamest..."
1. TAMAGOTCHI

Remember tamagotchi, the digital pet you could feed 'til it died? I never had one of my own, but I overfed my fair share of friend's tamagotchis. I wasn't a sociopath or anything--I never spiked the classroom hamster's water with anti-freeze or exposed myself in church--there was just something about that pixelated little duck-mouse that made me want to stuff it's belly full of digi-grub. I'd feed it, ignore it's pleas for sleep, feed it some more, feed it, feed it, feed it as it cried, feed it, refuse to toss the ball with it, feed it, allow it to wallow in its own feces, feed it, and watch it's eyes turn into Xs. I miss my childhood.

2. PHONE BOOTH STUFFING

The invention of the mobile phone, while making communication easier and more efficient, sounded the death knell for America's first national past time, phone booth stuffing. Now everybody's walking around with their iPhones, downloading apps and watching Jonas Brothers videos and sexting and what have you with nary a phone booth in sight. Sure, phone booth stuffing was all the rage from roughly the beginning of 1959 until about halfway through 1959 (replaced in popularity by something called "hunkerin'"), but it was still a helluva good time. Young men were known to cram 25 at a time into the naroow booths, sweaty and giggling, their supple bodies rubbing against one another, sometimes shirtless to make room for even more smooth-chested young gents. No wonder they called 'em the Gay Late-50's!
3. CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL BOOKS

Maybe the Chicken Soup for the... series isn't lame--I've never read even part of one--but one look at the above cover and I'm fairly certain my assumption is correct. Stories about Disses, Losses, Messes, Stresses & More, huh? Unless your teenager son or daughter is lobotomized, I'd expect to find this book either at the bottom of your trash compactor or hurtling into your face if you've purchased them a copy this Christmas.

The title says it all, I think. Chicken soup is the most trite, cliche, LAME cure all for the common cold and a book claiming to do the same for your soul sounds like a lie.

And, hey, you didn't have to be a teenager to benefit from Chicken Soup for the Soul's treacly goodness. Other titles include Chicken Soup for the African-American's Soul, Chicken Soup for the Chiropractic Soul, Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul, Chicken Soup for the NASCAR Soul, Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul, and my personal favorite, Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul. All of these books are, regrettably, very real.
4. CHUCK NORRIS FACTS

Chuck Norris jokes are a lot like the comedy stylings of Dane Cook: beloved by frat guys who don't know any better and not funny. Sure, fine, they were fun for a few seconds, but can we just move on already. I never thought I'd see a trend more irritating than quoting Napoleon Dynamite or Borat impressions, but Chuck Norris Facts are somehow more annoying than both of them combined. I mean, seriously, somebody tell me what's funny about this:

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

What? I saw what you did there, Dat Phan, but it ain't funny. And what about this one:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

C'mon! The Boogeyman doesn't sleep. He's too busy jumping out of kids' closets all over the world. He probably doesn't have his own closet anyway. He just uses our closets as a system of gateways from place to place. Lazy! Oh, and try this one on for size:

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

OK. That's actually funny.
5. SKIDZ

Mention the word "skids" to someone and they are liable to think that you're talking about those brown stains in Louie Anderson's underpants. They would be wrong. First of all, Louie wears boxer shorts. And second, Skidz were totally dumb flannel Hammer-pants that I actually wore (along with a big ol' Skidz-logo t-shirt) when I was in middle school. Just look at those people in the above ad. They look so happy, like a bunch of mental patients enjoying a day off hospital grounds. Seriously, Skidz were like pants for nursing home-bound old people who spend their days eating pudding, drooling in front of a soap operas, and farting. These were not pants for vibrant members of society. Luckily, the Skidz trend died off faster than an overfed tamagotchi and we were all free to return to our stone-washed jeans with the rolled cuffs and our Hypercolor t-shirts.

5 Lamest Hoaxes of All Time

It's official: the Balloon Boy Affair was a hoax. Yes, earlier this week Larimer County sheriff Jim Alderden exposed the Heene family as the pack of weirdo hucksters that those who saw the episode of Wife Swap they appeared on already knew they were. I guess it's hard to keep the story straight when one of your co-conspirators is a toddler named Falcon. Of course, being named Falcon is the least of this kid's worries. Apparently, Heene family patriarch, Richard, believes mankind descended from extraterrestrials. That probably makes for a comfortable parent-teacher conference. Plus, he has a lot to say about Britney Spears tits for some reason. Oh, yeah, and the Heenes are possibly homeless.

In honor of this new super lame hoax, Giant Electric Penguin is taking a look at 5 other hoaxes too stupid to believe.

1. STEVE BRODIE: CHAMPION BRIDGE JUMPER...OR NOT

Apparently, the late 1800's were so boring that simply suggesting you'd jumped off of a bridge was enough to make you an instant celebrity. Take Steve Brodie. In 1886, he started telling people that he had jumped off of the Brooklyn Bridge and a star was born. Brodie opened a successful saloon and had his name entered into the cultural lexicon with the birth of the phrase "pull a Brodie," which was used to describe a situation in which an individual would participate in some kind of dangerous activity and survive.

I guess he also had the above poster made. The balls on that guy.

MEMORABLE MOMENTS IN BRODIE PULLING:

-Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli jumps over a deadly shark while water skiing.

- Frodo takes the One Ring to Mount Doom.

- Carrie Prejean denies gays the right to marry at the 2009 Miss USA pageant.

- Columbus faces his fear and clubs a clown zombie to death.

-Britney Spears' performance of "Gimme More" at the 2007 VMAs.

2. Binjamin Wilkomirski: Holocaust Opportunist

In 1996, the English translation of Binjamin Wilkomirski's Fragments: Memories of a Wartime Childhood reached American shores and became an instant hit, even winning the National Jewish Book Award. Fragments told the harrowing tale of Wilkomirski's time spent in Nazi concentration camps as a young child. His story of survival struck a chord in the hearts and minds of people everywhere and his book was compared favorably with those of Elie Wiesel and Anne Frank.

There was just one problem: Wilkomirski had never been in a Nazi concentration camp, not as a child anyway. Daniel Ganzfried, the Swiss journalist who exposed Wilkomirski, suggested the author may have visited the camps as a tourist, but much of his story was not backed up by those pesky historical records. Many critics who had initially praised Fragments turned against it, while others argued that it still worked as a pseudomemoir. Whatever side of the issue you fall on, there's no escaping the fact that Wilkomirski tried passing off the story as his own and there's something a little icky about that.

3. Jackalopes: The Other, Other, Other White Meat
Jackalopes are not intrinsically lame, in fact, the idea of bunny rabbit with antlers is pretty sweet. What's lame is the virus that started the whole jackalope rumor in the first place. The Shope papiloma virus causes cancerous tumors to grow on and around a rabbit's head, often making it difficult for the creature to eat, resulting in a slow death by starvation. That's terrible, sad, and lame! What colors are still available? I want to make some ribbons.

Another lame thing to come out of the whole jackalope thing: Dave Coulier's stupid-ass jackalope videos:

Fun Fact: America's Funniest People sponsored a "Name the Jackelope" contest and the winning name was "Jack Ching Bada-Bing." For real.

4. Darwin's Death Bed Conversion

Charles Darwin! Scourge of the Religious Right! Champion of Evolution! Beard enthusiast! Some people have got a real problem with Mr. Darwin, mostly because they believe this theory of evolution to be anti-God and, therefore, pro-Satan and all his demonic minions. Some individuals were so afraid that Darwin and his evolution nonesense would be the downfall of Christian society, that on August 15, 1915, the Watchman Examiner, a Baptist newspaper, reported that on his death bed, the English naturalist had turned his back on his heathen past and given his life to Christ. He apparently made this startling about face in the company of a mysterious woman named "Lady Hope," who may or may not have been Elizabeth Hope the popular British evengelist.

Upon it's publication, Darwin's children refuted the article's claims and historians have taken their side. Sorry, Baptists, but evolution lives on. Epic fail.

5. Psychic Surgery: Lame

One of my favorite scenes in 1999's Man on the Moon, shows Andy Kaufman visiting a psychic surgeon in the Phillipines in a last ditch effort to rid himself of cancer. He watches as the scam artist removes a concealed chicken liver from his fist and begins chuckling to himself. This powerful shot fades into my least favorite shot: a bald, dead Andy in his coffin. Ick.

Pyschic surgery is the Andy Kaufman of medical procedures when you think about it. It's silly, strange, and speaks with a foreign accent sometimes. It's a ruse and the joke, unfortunately, is on the poor, dying bastard who has put his hope in the hands of a flim flam man. Remember this the next time you're considering involving anything psychic in the maintaining of your health: if the word "psychic" appears before something (surgery, healing, reading, etc.), it's total bullshit.

5 Lamest Old Testament Bible Stories

If Representative Paul Broun gets his way, 2010 will officially become "The Year of the Bible." In honor of this useless resolution, Giant Electric Penguin presents our picks for The 5 Lamest Old Testament Bible Stories. 1. God takes a much deserved nap upon completing Creation (Genesis 2:2): Sure, six days of separating water from dry land, filling the air with birds, and creating human life with all of its intricacies can take a lot out of a dude, but we're not talking about some dude, we're talking about God, the infinite creator of all things, the all-powerful, all-knowing master of the universe. God needs a siesta? Anyone who denies that the Bible and religion in general is largely manmade need look no further than the second chapter of Genesis (The second chapter! It's right here in the first few pages!). God doesn't rest, humans rest. How is God supposed to rest anyway when millions of people are filling his inbox with prayers every day? I guess God's sleeping in whenever a tsunami drowns a poor island nation or a wildfire fries California to a crisp. Is it safe to assume that God was reclining on His couch, a bowl of popcorn resting on his stomach, Season One of Gilmore Girls in the DVD player, when Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans? C'mon!

2. Rape my daughters. Please. (Genesis 19:4-8): Back in the olden days, when a particular group of people succeeded in pissing God off, He would simply rain fire down upon them. These days, not so much, though I'm still unconvinced that there's not something to Jerry Falwell's claim that 9/11 happened because God hates abortion and Americans can't get enough of 'em! Anyway...

Before flattening the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, God sent two angels into town to get a feel for the scene, find out if there were any rightous people about. The angels meet Lot, who insists they stay at his home for the night. They accept, but upon reaching Lot's home, things get a little iffy:

4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him 7 and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

OK, first of all, what is up with the men of Sodom? There were apparently enough sex-starved men to literally surround Lot's house. Is this how people said "hello" in Jolly Olde Sodomtown?

"Good afternoon. Are you new in town?"
"Why yes, I am."
"Wonderful. Listen, I'm going to have sex with you now and then maybe I can show you around. How's that sound, chum?"

Lame, but mostly just creepy. The lamest part of this story is the fact that Lot offers his daughters to the crowd of sex-crazed perverts. This selfless act of charity tells God's representatives that Lot is an upstanding pious individual and, therefore, worthy of being spared the forthcoming heavenly smackdown.

Did you read what I wrote?! Lot offered his daughters' virginity in exchange for the safety of two complete strangers! I'm not suggesting that Lot should have responded with, "Oh, you wanna rape those two nice fellas I just welcomed into my house? Well, sure! You guys need lube or are you all set?" I am suggesting, however, that maybe Lot could've manned up a little bit, shut the door, and phoned the authorities. Also, do you see the harm in using this story to prove that God, in fact, hates homosexuals? If this is one of your go to verses to justify the continued denial of basic human rights to gays and lesbians, this is what you are saying about God: God hates homos, but he just loves a dude who pimps out his daughters. 3. The Promise Land: No Moses Allowed (Deuteronomy 32:48-52): The Old Testament God sure could hold a grudge. Seriously:

48 On that same day the LORD told Moses, 49 "Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. 50 There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. 51 This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. 52 Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel."

Moses went through a lot to free God's chosen people from slavery and lead them to the Promise Land, and, OK, sure, he got a little out of control that time when he smacked that rock just a little too hard (that's the story, right, if I remember my Sunday school lessons correctly?), but, c'mon. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, God, but cut the guy some slack. For the most part, Moses did a pretty good job, right? God basically tells Moses, "Climb this mountain and die...oh, and while you're dying, check out this sweet place the Israelites are getting." That's cold, man, ice cold. 4. Lot's daughters gone wild (Genesis 19:4-8): So, maybe Lot had his flaws (the whole "go ahead and rape my daughters if it'll get you to quiet down--we're trying to sleep in here!" thing), but his daughters weren't much better. I guess they learned by example. After fleeing from Sodom, where Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt for committing the unspeakable act of taking one last look at her hometown, Lot and his daughters set up home in a cave. Apparently, this cave is located in some post-apocalyptic wasteland, because according to Lot's oldest daughter "there is no man around here to lie with us." So, instead of putting on some makeup, saddling up the camel, and heading into the nearest oasis for a hook-up, Lot's daugthers get their father drunk and get down with a little incest action. This, to me, is the epitome of laziness. There had to be guys around. I know it was Biblical times and there weren't billions of people clogging up ever inch of the Earth, but there had to be some horny dudes less related to you somewhere.
5. David and Bathsheba, or The Lamest Story Ever Told (2 Samuel 11): Who hasn't watched a buddy's wife take an outdoor bath and thought about banging her? It's the most natural thing in the world! Most of us haven't gone through with it though and if we have, we at least used a condom or pulled out . King David gets Uriah's wife, Bathsheba, pregnant and then scrambles to cover the whole thing up. First, he tries to get Uriah to go home and have sex with Bathsheba, but Uriah decides to hang out at the palace with his boys. Next, David gets Uriah liquored up, hoping he will stumble home, fall on top of his wife, and make sloppy, baby-making love to her, but this also fails. So, David does the only other thing he can think of:

14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. 15 In it he wrote, "Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die."

Oh, snap! David has Uriah killed! What a pussy move! And what does David get for his misdeed: a dead baby. Nice one, Davey!

5 Lamest Examples of Feline Abuse Being Used for Laughs in Popular Entertainment

Go ahead, accuse the GEP staff of being a bunch of cat-huggers.  We are and we're proud.  In an effort to expose the media's obvious bias against those mammals of the feline persuasion, we present a very special 5 Lamest.  Cat abusers beware--we've got your number...

Not your phone number or anything, I mean, we're not going to prank call you at all hours of the night or whatever.  We don't have to get the authorities involved in this, do we?  This is between me and you, OK?

Anyway, here's the post.

1. Peter Griffin murders Quagmire's cat: Regular viewers of the FOX animated program Family Guyt were treated to a brutal cat slaying last Sunday night that left at least one watcher (you can't see it, but I'm totally pointing at myself right now) cold and mirthless.  While attempting to prank a newly sissified Quagmire by shaving his cat, Peter, who brought along a straight razor as opposed to an electric one, accidentally killed it...six times!--the joke being, of course, that cats have nine lives.  Absent, oddly enough, was a "shaved pussy" joke.  The episode went on to be one of this season's funniest, but it's first act will be forever tainted by a sickening act of feline homicide I won't soon forget.

2. The Cat Scene from Boondock Saints:

It's not surprising that a large number of fans of the cult-classic-but-why-exactly? film Boondock Saints love the above scene: by and large, Americans hate cats.  Why is this?  I blame the "dog people" of this country who have declared us a Dog Nation, completing ignoring the millions of us who happily choose to share our homes and lives with cats.  Imagine if the above scene involved the shooting death of a puppy, like this one?  Would you be so quick to giggle then, dog people?

3. Kitten Cannon: Kitten Cannon allows budding serial killers to practice the delicate art of feline abuse in the comfort of their own homes.  Firing a sweet, widdle kitten out of a futuristic cannon into a field rife with trampolines, blood-soaked metal spikes, rockets hanging precariously from balloons, and man-eating plants may seem like innocent fun, but in reality it is a sick exercise designed to desensitize America's children to the idea of cat murder.  I'm only providing the link so you can witness the horror for yourself--I am in NO WAY suggesting that you devote any time out of your day to playing this wretched piece of garbage.  

4. Cat Hacky Sack:

Not only is last summer's You Don't Mess With the Zohan one of the least funny comedies of all time, it's also a cat haters wet dream.  There are two (TWO!!!?!!) cat hacky sack scenes--we've provided the more disturbing one for your consideration.  The Zohan, played by notorious anti-feline activist Adam Sandler, urinates on a cat's head in another troubling scene.  Again, I ask you, America, if Zohan and his buddies were kicking this puppy back and forth to each other, would the nation's movie houses still ring out with the sounds of your degenerate laughter?

5. Bonsai Cat: While this turned out to be a hoax, it takes a sick mind to think shoving a poor, defenseless kitten into a glass jar is in any way humorous.  I remember when this site first appeared on the internets.  I realized right away that it was a joke--a twisted, severely misguided one, but a joke nonetheless.  A lot of other people did not.  In fact, in 2001, the FBI investigated Bonsai Cat and PETA still circulates a petition calling for it's demise.  The MIT students responsible for the hoax have explained they were trying to make some kind of point or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that for a short time nine years ago they had cat lovers and animal rights advocates collectively fuming and plotting violent retaliation.

If you have some examples of cat abuse in the media that we missed, please let us know in our comments section or at giantpengy@yahoo.com.  Namaste.

5 Lamest Moments in Mormon History

April Fools! I haven't converted to Mormonism. I'm just as cynical about organized religion as I've always been. I am reading Richard and Joan Ostling's book Mormon America though and, while I dislike how uncritical it is of certain Mormon dogma, it has proven to be an endlessly fascinating read. The Latter-day Saints, like any religious group, boast a history of dizzying highs and embarrassing lows, the latter of which we will be focusing on in this installment of 5 Lamest. Also, look for this month's return of Movie Smackdown to reflect my endless love affair with researching alternative religions and cults of all kinds. 1. The Mountain Meadows Massacre of 1857

The Mormons had put up with a lot of shit by 1857. They had been booted from at least two states and their fearless leader, Joseph Smith, had been assassinated while in jail (he actually fell out of a second story window and was shot to death while he lay dying in the street--it was pretty gruesome). They were understandably pissed off. That, of course, doesn't make the actions taken on September 11, 1857 justifiable in any way, but, rather, provides one possible explanation as to why the Latter-day Saints had what one might call an "itchy trigger finger." Dressed as Indians (and accompanied by several members of an acutal tribe), a Mormon militia laid waste to an emigrant wagon train making its way through the Utah Territory. 120 men, women, and children over the age of 8 were mercilously slaughtered and left to rot. Those children that were spared, were ripped away from the corpses of their parents and handed out to various Mormon families in the area. The wagons and dead bodies were then stripped of any valuables and giving as tithe to the church. 2. The Short Creek raid

On July 26, 1953, 102 Arizona state police and National Guard soldiers raided the polygamist compound at Short Creek, ripping 150 children away from their parents. Some of the children were returned after a couple of years, while others never saw their parents again. John Howard Pyle, the governor of Arizona at the time, invited 100 reporters to observe the raid. He saw it as his crowning achievement, but Americans all over the country were disgusted. Tearing apart families wasn't something to revel in, it was a travesty. The raid cost Pyle his political career, but he garnered support from at least one group: the Mormon church. The mainstream church found the lifestyle practiced by these so-called "fundamentalists" despicable and applauded Arizona's government 3. Individuals of African Descent Need Not Apply

For years, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints denied priesthood to those with even a trace of African blood running through their veins. Black people were seen as cursed by God, after all, that is what it had said on the golden plates Joseph Smith dug out of the ground and translated with his magical seer stones. The Mormons faced a lot of justified disdain for the practice of denying Blacks the highest levels of Mormon priesthood and in 1978 the leaders of the church had a convenient revelation in which God gave the old thumbs up to giving everyone an equal shot at godhood. 4. Baptism of Holocaust Victims and Their Murderers

Did you know that Anne Frank and Adolf Hitler are both Latter-day Saints? It's true! Thankfully somone in the Mormon church had the idea to baptise them both years after their deaths giving them a shot at that funky Mormon afterlife we all hear so much about. When Jewish leaders found out that the Mormons were baptising Holocaust victims and Nazis willy-nilly they called for an immediate cease-immersion. 5. The Rise and Fall of David Archuleta

I'll admit that for a time I was under Archuleta's spell. He was a talented singer with a touching sob-story of hope and the clean-cut good looks of a modern day Osmond brother. His reign as America's Sugary Sweetheart was toppled by Gentile David Cook's ultimate America Idol win, but for me the luster had begun to fade after his whiny, simpering performance of The Beatles "We Can Work It Out." By the time his first single, "Crush," was released I couldn't have cared any less.

5 Lamest Youth Group Anthems

Inspired by Matt's Sunday School lament of a week ago, Jonathan now regales you with tales of his youthful religious experience in "A People's History of Rock presents 5 Lamest Youth Group Anthems." Tell him to get a life.


The early 1990s were a time of much-ish turmoil in our great-ish country. Christians were being attacked from all corners by hateful entities like the ACLU, the United States Constitution, and a little band called Nirvana. Rock music was being assaulted by those great bastions of mediocrity, big-time corporate radio and American Christianity. Amidst this turmoil, the decades old institution of Christian Rock enjoyed a renewed sense of relevance coupled with record-breaking sales figures as conservative Christian parents across this exceptionally adequate nation that I love (really!) sought a new form of entertainment to compete with the raw, primal sound coming out of the Pacific Northwest. The following list presents 5 songs aimed at Christian adolescents released by major (in Christian terms) labels from 1991 to 1995 (actually, they were all released in 1993). Oh, and they're all lame.

1. DeGarmo and Key - "God Good, Devil Bad" (1993)
It's easy to see why youth leaders in the early 90s, who were mostly raised on ZZ Top and corn nuts, would fall in love with this song. It's got everything born again bad asses love to talk about from the old days: seedy motels, tattoos, southern-fried riffs, and…um…interesting haircuts. The song is inexplicably inspired by a man who has "a tattoo on his arm of Jesus and the Devil side by side." Even more inexplicable is the fact that our protagonist decides to confront this man. Retard. After what certainly is a severe and well-deserved beating, all our hero can utter is "God good. Devil bad." Hey, that's the title of the song! There's also some bullshit about Madonna mixing sin and God and the standard complaining about people who wear crosses and use "nasty language." Lame. Also, I'm pretty sure that guy in the target vest is in DC Talk!



2. Carman and DC Talk - "Addicted to Jesus" (1993)
Christian crooner Carman is often credited as being an artist that isn't afraid to "shake things up." I'm sure there was a certain amount of backlash to the whole comparing Jesus to drugs thing, but not nearly enough in my opinion. A2J? WTF? Is this seriously going to keep anyone off drugs? Or draw anyone to Christianity? This video is notable for a guest appearance by DC Talk in various costumes that defined the time period: overalls, ties with shorts, oversized shirts, and baseball caps abound. There's lots of complainin' 'bout various social ills like smoking in the boy's room and havin' heart attacks. Then we get to praise the lord with our feet. Through it all, DC Talk tirelessly encourage us by shouting "kick that groove," "pop goes the devil 'cause the devil goes pop," and "bust the devil (bust him up)." Carmen imitates a whacky doctor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a pirate. In spite of all of this, this video is exceedingly lame. Please watch it.



3. Carman and Petra - "Our Turn Now" (1993)
What? Carman again? Actually, I could fill this list with fucking Carman, but I've chosen to highlight songs that feature other youth group luminaries like DC Talk in "A2J" and Petra in "Our Turn Now." There's nothing more rock and roll than rebellion, and there's nothing kids like better than having something to stand up for. In the '90s, Christian leaders started getting wise to this and started a campaign encouraging kids to "break the rules" and pray in school, despite the fact that there isn't any rule against praying in school. (and if there were, how could it possibly be enforced?) In this video Carman and Christian rock dinosaurs Petra team up to form a holy union of suckiness to helpfully explain how God was kicked out of public schools and show what public schools look like without God. So what's happened to our schools since God was removed in '62? Well, let's see. Based on this video we have, uh, pregnant students, guns, drugs, interracial kissing…oh, and creepy dudes with instruments hanging out in the halls. I think I saw that dude with the Mickey Mouse shirt on Dateline. My favorite moment comes at the 2:34 mark when Carmen and Petra singer John Schlitt looks surprised when the camera catches them dancing with each other.



4. Audio Adrenaline - "Big House" (1993)
I admit that I find this song more than a little appealing. It's simple, catchy, and easy to sing along with, but I think it's the band's personality that drives their success. In this video they seem like a bunch of goofy, amiable kids. In fact, they remind me of the Monkees, and I love the Monkees. Their main draw, however, is exactly what makes them lame. Audio Adrenaline ARE just a bunch of kids who met at a small college and formed a band together, but they also, after signing to ForeFront records, completely gave themselves over to their record company. The result is an exceedingly lame 1992 dance-pop debut album that references Barney Fife and includes a song called "One Step Hyper."
"Big House" is from their 1993 sophomore effort that, if I remember correctly, was marketed as an exercise in artistic freedom. In interviews the band would talk about how important it was that they have control over the sound of this album, and there's even a song called "We're a Band" that answers the criticism that they're a manufactured commodity. I guess Christian record execs started getting wise to the fact that things like writing your own songs, playing your own music, and dressing yourself were important to cool kids in 1993. The album cover features a grunged-out version of Audio A. The album title was Don’t Censor Me. But the songs are still silly and overtly grounded in conservative Christianity, and the music, while certainly more guitar driven, wasn't really anything like…well…anything that was popular at the time. Also, singing about how cool your dad's house is, even if it is your heavenly dad, isn't cool. I suppose this might be a pretty good religious children's song, but for teenagers, it's totally lame.




5. Geoff Moore and the Distance "Evolution…Redefined" (1993)
Another imaginary boogieman the Christian right set up for kids to rebel against instead of their parents was Charles Darwin's completely sane and unbelievably enlightening theory of evolution. In this video we get a batshit crazy douchbag in a tasseled leather jacket encouraging children to make fun of their science teachers. In 1993. What the Hell?
The teacher in the video (probably played by a member of DC Talk) begins the video by foolishly proclaiming that "all life is a continuum. All living things, despite their awesome diversity, are related to each other." Wait. That's not foolish. That's simple science. Simple science that seems to make the cute girl in the class nervous: "You mean I have some of the same genes as a monkey? Grody!" Luckily, smarmy douches Geoff Moore and the Distance live in her textbook. To defend his position, Moore sets up the classic "your uncle was a monkey" straw man and affirms that instead of "accidents of nature," he believes humans are the "work of a kind of loving creator." I guess that evolution doesn't say anything about the presence or absence of a creator is beside the point. Instead, Moore believes in a "redefined" evolution that includes something about a changed heart. I don't see what this has to do with the origin of man, but it's definitely lame.

5 Lamest Comic Book Movie Heroes

1. Ghostrider: Guilty...of being lame!

2. Bibleman: While not techincally a comic book character, Bibleman is featured in something called a "Biblezine." I can only imagine the cry of anguish that was raised by his thousands (hundreds?) of pint-sized fans when Bibleman was revealed to be none other than former sit-com star turned tattoo-covered fat-ass, Willie Aames.

3. The Human Torch: In this case, I don't mean lame as in stupid, just lame, like, he's kind of a chotch.

4. King Leonidas: You know, your highness, all that screaming and growly-talk is not good for the voice. You're going to regret that in the long run I'm afraid. I won't say anymore because the last time I bad mouthed the film 300 (which I thought was boring) on the interwebs, I was threatened with quite a grisly death (i.e. something about my entrails being used to stuff a pillow for Frank Miller's dog).

5. Steel: Wait, Shaquille O'Neal was allowed to make another movie after Kazaam? Are you serious? To be fair, I haven't seen Steel, but look at that picture. Do I really have to see this piece of crap to know Steel is super-lame?

5 Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains

1. Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin, 1997): Menacing, psychotic, bent on Gotham City's destruction...and a master of puns! Here's a couple zingers courtesy of Dr. Victor Fries' frozen-hearted alter ego:

"You're not sending me to the cooler." (zing!)
"Ice to see you." (stop...my sides)
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!" (that's not really a pun, but okay)
"Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom." (um, please stop)
"Let's kick some ice." (that one doesn't even make sense, sir!)
2. Satan (Constantine, 2005): Peter Stormare plays The Prince of Darkness as a drug-addled, homosexual Marlon Brando with attention deficit disorder. The results are, um, confusing?
Two-Face (Batman Forever, 1995): Let's remember Tommy Lee Jones for his wonderful work in films like The Fugitive and No Country for Old Men, not for this shrill, simpering take on one of Batman's greatest enemies. I did like his sexy sidekicks, Sugar and Spice, but for a quality Two-Face, see The Dark Knight.

Galactus (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, 2007): "Storms a-brewin'. We better head down to the cellar."

Shark (Batman, 1966): Damn sharks! They're always getting in the way when you're trying to save the day. Luckily, back in the 60's, Batman's utility belt included a can of Shark Repellant for just such emergencies.

5 Lamest Sunday School Lessons

Because it always elicits a lot of responses, Giant Electric Penguin has decided to add RELIGION to it's ever-increasing list of topics to be discussed, dissected, and ridiculed, when the need arises. God bless us, everyone.
1. "Whatever you hate in life will torture you for all eternity in Hell."
The Sunday school teacher for 3rd and 4th graders at the church we attended in Troy, Michigan was kind of a creepy lady (in fact, half of these lame lessons come from her weird, twisted little brain). She taught us a lot of strange stuff, stuff that certainly added fuel to my just blossoming obsessive compulsive tendencies. I will never forget this lesson in terror. It was suggested that if we hated spiders, truly one of God's most loathsome creations, fostered this hatred until the day we passed from this Earth, then we would find ourselves in Hell, being forever plagued by a constant barrage of arachnids. By middle school I was starting to figure out that this little tid-bit was probably bullshit and began joking that I hated naked ladies with colossal boobs.

2. The same whack-job that warned us of the repercussions of a lifetime of spider intolerance, also shared with us this bit of wisdom: "You must love Jesus more than you love your parents." She made it sound easy as chocolate chess pie: "Hey, kids, love this guy you've never seen more than the people who drive you to your swimming lessons at the YMCA, give you Christmas presents, and feed, clothe, and shelter you. Love him more than the dad who creates amazingly exciting bedtime stories for you and your sister every night and the mom who pulls splinters out of your fingers and once a week makes that delicious Mexican dip you love for dinner." The moment I heard this, I flatly refused. Jesus was going to get love, don't get me wrong, but not more than my parents. As a third grader I would've been devestated to hear if my parents loved Jesus more than me.

3. "Never allow your thoughts to grow idle--that's when the Devil gets in."
This Sunday school lesson fucked me up big time! I heard this and was completely freaked out. "The Devil's gonna get in my head and make me do things--bad things," I thought. I made sure my mind was running at all times, which led to one of my still thriving quirks: counting. I've gotten slightly better over the years, but back in the day, if I let my thoughts slow down for a second, I thought I was in danger of a visit from Satan himself. So I counted words in my head and by high school, though I'd stopped worrying about the Devil, the counting process would sometimes drive me crazy. I didn't even spend the time fending off idle thoughts with reflections on God or whatever crazy bullshit had been crammed into my brain at Sunday school, which I'm sure is what this teacher (who is a menace to society--my only hope is she has been stopped by now) meant when she gave us her warning.
4. "The love you have for you wife should appear as hate when compared to your love for Jesus Christ." I heard this at a wedding--no joke. A wedding! The preacher was telling two young people bonding their lives in holy matrimony to hate each other. OK, not really, but I mean, what the hell? Jesus wants us to hate? Jesus wants our love for others to look like hate? Maybe he just said it wrong (please, God, I hope he said it wrong), because I'm fairly certain the man who encouraged people to love their enemies, didn't think we'd turn around and hate our spouse, or least make it look like hate. And how does love "appear as hate" exactly? Maybe somebody can clear this one up for me. Lame!

5. One of my all time favorite religious lessons is "masturbation is not wrong, unless lust is involved." That statement makes no sense whatsoever. It's illogical. Lust is half the fun of masturbation--masturbation is the sole result of lust (unless you are sick puppy, then lust can lead to all kinds of creepy, illegal activities). So, let me get this straight, if I want to masturbate, the church is fine with it, as long as I'm thinking about baseball or motorcycles or Queso Crunchwraps? Have you ever tried to masturbate to a Taco Bell commercial? Can't be done. And I use thoughts of baseball to make sexual intercourse last longer. That is how unstimulating I find baseball. And motorcycles? That's kinda gay, right? No options were provided when this statement was made. Just "don't lust" and "go forth and masturbate."

6. Oh, heck-a-roo, I'm having fun. How 'bout one more? This is perhaps the most heinous of the bunch, an example of why I detest some sub-sections of organized religion, despise those who claim to love Jesus Christ and be committed to his vision for a better world. I have never heard this in any of the churches I have ever attended, but an ex-girlfriend of mine had a grandmother who attended a church that believed that Black people were cursed because Noah's son, Ham, once saw Noah's cock and balls. It's called the Curse of Ham, and apparently because Ham saw Noah drunk and naked and told his brothers about it, instead of covering his father up, black people deserve to be vilified and thought of as 'less than.' Is that about right, Racist Southern Baptist Assholes? Dude, if you saw some silly drunk guy all naked and shit, you'd tell your buddies and you'd all have a good laugh, right? I mean, even if it was your dad. I mean, that's a hilarious story. Although, it kind of sucks if your family line is cursed for eternity. Anyway, my ex's grandmother was brain-washed by a retarded story and because it was told by some self-proclaimed emissary of God, she took it as Gospel and ran with it. That shit is dangerous and irresponsible.

You know, my father teaches Sunday school at his church and whenever I visit on the weekends, I attend his class. I've never heard him talk about hate or give his class excuses for racism. I've only heard Sunday school lessons that actually make me feel uplifted and I don't prescribe to any one religion exclusively. I think that's the difference between smart people doing the teaching and just some dumbass who was in the right room at the right time when the pastor needed a teacher position filled. My dad will work on a lesson all week. He has an extensive library and he'll consult the thoughts of several different writers when preparing his notes. Before you stand up in front of a group of impressionable people (especially children!), you need to be educated yourself, need to be sensitive to the needs of your flock. If not, you run the risk of severely screwing people up, even if your intentions are nothing by honorable.

Amen.

5 Lamest...Special 'It's a Small World Free' Disney World Edition!

Welcome to 5 Lamest..., a new GEP feature where we explore the lamer side of life. This week, in honor of my vacation in Walt Disney World, I present, in no particular order, the 5 Lamest Disney World Attractions:

1. Ellen's Energy Adventure (Epcot): This attraction is so lame riders are encouraged to exit before the thing even starts. As you walk inside the theater, a Disney employee stationed at the entrance informs you that the attraction will take 37 minutes to experience and suggests you may want to turn around and do something more worthwhile. Before the opening film segment, another 'cast member' reminds you that you are about to spend 37 minutes in the dark watching various unfunny movies starring comedian Ellen Degeneres and points out the nearest exit. After the opening movie you are given yet another chance to flee. Those who choose to stay move into the next room and sit, where they are reminded once again that they are about to spend 37 minutes listening to Bill Nye the Science Guy drone on about alternative energy sources and watch Ellen Dengeneres do that thing she does. There are animatronic dinosaurs, but overall Ellen's Energy Adventure is a dud.

2. Cinderella's Carousel (Magic Kingdom): It's just a Merry-Go-Round, albeit, a prettier one than you would see at your local state fair. The only real reason this attraction makes our list is that on my first ride on it ever, some woman was standing in the wrong spot and after three ignored warnings from the ride operator, the carousel was shut down and we all had to exit in a sad, single-file line. Stupid lady!
3. Stitch's Great Escape (Magic Kingdom): A better name for this would be 15 Minutes With Air Conditioning. A less family friendly name would be Stitch's Big Waste of My Damn Time. Years ago this attraction was called Alien Encounter and it was scary and dark and, therefore, completely awesome. Now it's dark and smelly and not fun and stupid. Nobody really seemed into it. I had been warned by both my mother and fellow Disney World super-fan, Nick Tillman, to avoid this attraction like the bubonic plague, but my curiosity got the better of me. It was an action of which I will eternally be ashamed. The stink of Stitch's chili-dog breath will stay with me to the grave.
4. The Country Bear Jamboree (Magic Kingdom): Some attractions at the Magic Kingdom just need some sprucing up, and in my opinion Country Bear Jamboree is a worthy candidate. Let's put it this way: Disney Imagineers need to usher this glorified Chuck E Cheese robot review into the 21st century or just raze the building. Compared with shows like Animal Kingdom's Finding Nemo the Musical and It's Tough to be a Bug, Country Bear Jamboree just seems like a waste of precious energy. I mean, they refurbished the Tiki Room, why not give the Country Bears a spit shine? First of all the sound is horribly--I think they use a record or an 8-track to provide the music and singing--there are hisses and pops and a constant buzzing drone that often makes it difficult to understand a single thing that's being said. Next, like I stated earlier, there's nothing here that I can't see at Chuck E. Cheese and at least there I can eat pizza and play skeeball.

5. The Jungle Cruise (The Magic Kingdom): It pains me to include this ride as it was my very favorite when I was a child, but the Jungle Cruise is kind of lame. Maybe it's always been lame and I'm just now realizing it at 29. As most everyone knows, jungle cruise guides can no longer fire guns at the hippos and alligators. They still have the guns on board, but now they wave the gun around and shout "shoo, hippos, shoo." Are you kidding me? If you were in the actual jungle and a homicidal hippo was rushing your boat you'd light that fat ass up, I'm sorry. I love animals as much as the next guy, but what kid is going to believe they are in some kind of peril if you just kind of limp-wristedly wave a plastic pistol around and halfheartedly suggest that the animals please if you don't mind go somewhere else? Plus, and I know this is a major part of the ride, but do we really need the cheesy puns? One, only half of them are mildly amusing, and two, about half of your guest don't even speak English or don't speak it well enough to catch your clever (said sarcastically) wordplay. To be fair, that job seems kind of fun, but they'd never let me do my own material and that might eventually irk me.