Inspired by Matt's Sunday School lament of a week ago, Jonathan now regales you with tales of his youthful religious experience in "A People's History of Rock presents 5 Lamest Youth Group Anthems." Tell him to get a life.
The early 1990s were a time of much-ish turmoil in our great-ish country. Christians were being attacked from all corners by hateful entities like the ACLU, the United States Constitution, and a little band called Nirvana. Rock music was being assaulted by those great bastions of mediocrity, big-time corporate radio and American Christianity. Amidst this turmoil, the decades old institution of Christian Rock enjoyed a renewed sense of relevance coupled with record-breaking sales figures as conservative Christian parents across this exceptionally adequate nation that I love (really!) sought a new form of entertainment to compete with the raw, primal sound coming out of the Pacific Northwest. The following list presents 5 songs aimed at Christian adolescents released by major (in Christian terms) labels from 1991 to 1995 (actually, they were all released in 1993). Oh, and they're all lame.
1. DeGarmo and Key - "God Good, Devil Bad" (1993)
It's easy to see why youth leaders in the early 90s, who were mostly raised on ZZ Top and corn nuts, would fall in love with this song. It's got everything born again bad asses love to talk about from the old days: seedy motels, tattoos, southern-fried riffs, and…um…interesting haircuts. The song is inexplicably inspired by a man who has "a tattoo on his arm of Jesus and the Devil side by side." Even more inexplicable is the fact that our protagonist decides to confront this man. Retard. After what certainly is a severe and well-deserved beating, all our hero can utter is "God good. Devil bad." Hey, that's the title of the song! There's also some bullshit about Madonna mixing sin and God and the standard complaining about people who wear crosses and use "nasty language." Lame. Also, I'm pretty sure that guy in the target vest is in DC Talk!
2. Carman and DC Talk - "Addicted to Jesus" (1993)
Christian crooner Carman is often credited as being an artist that isn't afraid to "shake things up." I'm sure there was a certain amount of backlash to the whole comparing Jesus to drugs thing, but not nearly enough in my opinion. A2J? WTF? Is this seriously going to keep anyone off drugs? Or draw anyone to Christianity? This video is notable for a guest appearance by DC Talk in various costumes that defined the time period: overalls, ties with shorts, oversized shirts, and baseball caps abound. There's lots of complainin' 'bout various social ills like smoking in the boy's room and havin' heart attacks. Then we get to praise the lord with our feet. Through it all, DC Talk tirelessly encourage us by shouting "kick that groove," "pop goes the devil 'cause the devil goes pop," and "bust the devil (bust him up)." Carmen imitates a whacky doctor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a pirate. In spite of all of this, this video is exceedingly lame. Please watch it.
3. Carman and Petra - "Our Turn Now" (1993)
What? Carman again? Actually, I could fill this list with fucking Carman, but I've chosen to highlight songs that feature other youth group luminaries like DC Talk in "A2J" and Petra in "Our Turn Now." There's nothing more rock and roll than rebellion, and there's nothing kids like better than having something to stand up for. In the '90s, Christian leaders started getting wise to this and started a campaign encouraging kids to "break the rules" and pray in school, despite the fact that there isn't any rule against praying in school. (and if there were, how could it possibly be enforced?) In this video Carman and Christian rock dinosaurs Petra team up to form a holy union of suckiness to helpfully explain how God was kicked out of public schools and show what public schools look like without God. So what's happened to our schools since God was removed in '62? Well, let's see. Based on this video we have, uh, pregnant students, guns, drugs, interracial kissing…oh, and creepy dudes with instruments hanging out in the halls. I think I saw that dude with the Mickey Mouse shirt on Dateline. My favorite moment comes at the 2:34 mark when Carmen and Petra singer John Schlitt looks surprised when the camera catches them dancing with each other.
4. Audio Adrenaline - "Big House" (1993)
I admit that I find this song more than a little appealing. It's simple, catchy, and easy to sing along with, but I think it's the band's personality that drives their success. In this video they seem like a bunch of goofy, amiable kids. In fact, they remind me of the Monkees, and I love the Monkees. Their main draw, however, is exactly what makes them lame. Audio Adrenaline ARE just a bunch of kids who met at a small college and formed a band together, but they also, after signing to ForeFront records, completely gave themselves over to their record company. The result is an exceedingly lame 1992 dance-pop debut album that references Barney Fife and includes a song called "One Step Hyper."
"Big House" is from their 1993 sophomore effort that, if I remember correctly, was marketed as an exercise in artistic freedom. In interviews the band would talk about how important it was that they have control over the sound of this album, and there's even a song called "We're a Band" that answers the criticism that they're a manufactured commodity. I guess Christian record execs started getting wise to the fact that things like writing your own songs, playing your own music, and dressing yourself were important to cool kids in 1993. The album cover features a grunged-out version of Audio A. The album title was Don’t Censor Me. But the songs are still silly and overtly grounded in conservative Christianity, and the music, while certainly more guitar driven, wasn't really anything like…well…anything that was popular at the time. Also, singing about how cool your dad's house is, even if it is your heavenly dad, isn't cool. I suppose this might be a pretty good religious children's song, but for teenagers, it's totally lame.
5. Geoff Moore and the Distance "Evolution…Redefined" (1993)
Another imaginary boogieman the Christian right set up for kids to rebel against instead of their parents was Charles Darwin's completely sane and unbelievably enlightening theory of evolution. In this video we get a batshit crazy douchbag in a tasseled leather jacket encouraging children to make fun of their science teachers. In 1993. What the Hell?
The teacher in the video (probably played by a member of DC Talk) begins the video by foolishly proclaiming that "all life is a continuum. All living things, despite their awesome diversity, are related to each other." Wait. That's not foolish. That's simple science. Simple science that seems to make the cute girl in the class nervous: "You mean I have some of the same genes as a monkey? Grody!" Luckily, smarmy douches Geoff Moore and the Distance live in her textbook. To defend his position, Moore sets up the classic "your uncle was a monkey" straw man and affirms that instead of "accidents of nature," he believes humans are the "work of a kind of loving creator." I guess that evolution doesn't say anything about the presence or absence of a creator is beside the point. Instead, Moore believes in a "redefined" evolution that includes something about a changed heart. I don't see what this has to do with the origin of man, but it's definitely lame.
