I don't know what it's like where you are, but it already feels like Summer here in GEPland, and that's got me itchin' to listen to some good old Summer fun time rekkids! What makes a GOSFTR? Well, for me classic Summertime albums are relatively short, somewhat energetic, deal with Summertime themes (sex, drugs, rock n roll, holding hands, etc.), and full of wonderful pop songs. Last year's GOSFTR for me was Vampire Weekend's debut LP. There's a for instance for you.
Usually this whole GOSFTR thing happens organically, but this year, in the interest of becoming a more assertive, successful individual, I've decided to force things a bit take charge of my life and listening habits and choose, through GEP's venerable smackdown process, 2009's all time Summer fun rekkid album of 2009. Over the next several days I'll preview some relatively recently released albums from some relatively young (they look better in bathing suits) bands that fit the profile of what I think a really good Summer fun record should sound like. Then I'll decide who wins 'cause I'm really just doing this for me. Of course, I welcome your input. And let fly with suggestions. I know you got some.
Our first contestant is the debut album (Telekinesis! - out now on Merge Records) of a spry little drummer-fronted band from Seattle called Telekinesis. When you first listen to the albums most popular track "Coast of Carolina", you might think you're listening to a long-lost Death Cab B-side, but then if you thought that it would really just mean you were stupid. If this were a Death Cab song, it'd totally be an A-side. And a hit. Sure, the melodies, vocals, songwriting, and production (courtesy of Chris Walla--duh!) sound eerily Death Cab-y, but they're also eerily exhilarating in that I'm-really-fucking-in-love-with-life kind of way that was missing from the Cab's latest album. And it's a really, really good song, which is really all that matters. We're not keeping score here.
Another standout from this album is "Tokyo," which I think is more representative of the album as a whole both musically and lyrically. This is an album of driving but gentle pop songs about that whole "trying to find my place in this world" cliche thing, but what I think makes the album interesting--and worth listening to--is that no matter how hard they seem to try to be angsty and maladjusted ("I try and keep up, but I know I'm failing"), there's a sense of wide-eyed wonder permeating the album that reminds me of that sense of adventure and newness you feel when you really put yourself out on a limb, like when you go on an ill-advised road trip ("Coast of Carolina" and "Tokyo") or when you first fall in love ("Awkward Kisser"). Or when you talk to people who aren't there ("Imaginary Friend"). You get the idea.
Why it's a contender: The album's short, energetic, and a lot of fun. It reminds me in tone if not in sound of that Vampire Weekend album I liked so much or of the first Rosebuds album.
Where it falls short: It's not as consistent as I'd like, and it's a little sappy, but there aren't any real clunkers, at least not on par with a certain Japandroid song I'll talk about in a few days.
Odds of winning: I'd have to say this is the favorite to win so far, but it's also the album I've spent the most time with that's in the running. There are some strong albums coming up though, so we'll see.
When I think of Sunday morning music, I think mainly of insane (in a good or bad way) religious music. But I also think back to those halcyon days of childhood when a Sunday morning wasn't a Sunday morning unless it was spent sitting in the back seat of a car on the way to church with butterflies in my stomach (I always--ALWAYS-- got nervous going to church)and the sweet sounds of the '60s on the car stereo.
Any discussion of '60s music, I think, has to start with the girl groups that started appearing in the late '50s--groups like The Shirelles, The Ronettes, The Dixie Cups, The Adorable Pumps, The Femmettes, the Chinets, and The Amazing Excitable Woman Band. Every other important type of top 40 music in the '60s grew out of or was a cousin to the girl group sound: Soul music (at the very least the girl groups helped legitimize other soulful sounds), the British invasion (the Beatles covered "Chains" and adopted the girl group dynamic--everyone else copied the Beatles), sunshine pop (inspired by the sonic experiments of Phil Spector as well as the naive, innocent charm of the girls themselves), even American psychedelia (just look at this clip of Vanilla Fudge covering "You Keep Me Hanging On"). But this isn't a discussion of '60s music. This is Sunday morning music, and all this is just an excuse to share with you three songs from modern musicians making music inspired by the girl group sound that are perfect for listening to on a Sunday morning. So here they are.
She and Him - "I Was Made for You"
Zoey Deschanel and M Ward's She and Him project throws back to a lot of wonderful things in several wonderful ways but I think the two lesser-known girl group inspired tracks are great fun all by themselves.
From the opening drums, to the piano flourishes, to the spot-fucking-on guitar tone and background vocals, this could have been produced by Phil Spector. Such slavish adherence to an earlier form usually turns me off, but this--this--it's just so damn adorable it makes me want to give a homeless man a kitten.
She and Him - "Sweet Darlin'"
Like "I Was Made for You," but like 5 years more mature with a more advanced echo chamber and a steel guitar. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
The Pipettes - "Pull Shapes"
The Pipettes are the closest thing we have to an actual honest-to-God '60s type girl group in 2009. "Pull Shapes" has more of a '70s flavor (it mentions disco), but it's still several miles of fun in one compact, adorable, 3-minute ditty. If you can imagine The Spice Girls populated with three Lily Allens singing music inspired by the Shirelles, then you have The Pipettes. Or you could watch the video. Hopefully you already have.
I received a lot of mail in response to last week's 31 Days of Horror Music, and none of it was positive. In a representative comment, one Mr. Lancelot Jacob Hawthorne Nickerbocker Madeup Handjob, III had this to say: "OMG WTF, Bindi Irwin?" Another internet commenter insisted I include "Witches Invitation," his favorite Carman song, in this week's list. Well, rest assured, intertube haxors from cyberspace and other web-associated commenters, there will be no Bindi Irwin in this week's final compendium of totally l33t horror, horror friendly, and horrible music (sorry, Matt), and, if you were paying attention, you saw "Witches Invitation" 3 weeks ago. That being said, I agree that I probably lost the plot with last week's list, so this week I've uncovered a foolproof plan to keep my eyes on the prize and my hands on the wheel: I've got a theme. And that theme is Zombies.
Zombies! Organize!! - "Robotacus"
Zombies are my favorite Halloween-friendly creature, and bands that are named after Zombies (the Zombies…uh, and others) traditionally have been amongst my favorites. So it is with great excitement that I introduce to you (unless you've heard of them already) the adorable kids in Zombies! Organize!!, one of my new favorite bands. But it's not just the band name that makes these kids special. They sing songs about Zombies. And did I mention they're adorable? Also, their songs are adorable. Whether they're using Zombies to make political commentary or they're just singing 'bout 'em 'cuz they're cool, they always keep it cute, and I appreciate that.
Take the above track for instance. I know, it's not about zombies--it's about a killer robot (who may also be a robot zombie--I can't make out the words)--but it's adorable as hell in that MC Chris mixed with Peaches kind of way, and with lines like "lick my robot clitorous" and references to Short Circuit, Nintendo, Small Wonder, and Greek mythology, what's not to like--or at least be amused by? And who knew that even a robot needs to use a vocoder tube?
Special bonus prize: See if you can find the ALF puppet!
The Magnetic Fields - "Zombie Boy"
In July I had this to say: "Not every song on the Magnetic Field's newest album benefits from the distort now, ask questions later approach, but 'Zombie Boy,' Distortion's penultimate track, is a sheer delight. It's humorous and menacing all at the same time, just like zombies."
What he said. This is still my favorite song from Distortion, and I still don't know WTF is happening in the Torchwood footage.
BTW, this is my favorite zombie boy:
Screaming Jay Hawkins - "I Put a Spell on You"
This is one of my favorite songs ever, but man, there are so many horrifying things about this video. First, dude puts a spell on a woman, zombifying her essentially, and that's no way to treat a woman. Second…um, is this racist? It certainly plays on some uncomfortable stereotypes, and I have trouble letting myself enjoy it. That being said, I'm pretty sure he performed this song in this way from its release in 1956 until his death, and he certainly didn't see it as racist. Third, that voice! Who can deny it?
As a counterpoint I'm including a clip of Nina Simone performing the same song from a female perspective. Much classier, but not quite as horrifying.
The Creepshow - "Zombies Ate Her Brain"
There were several schlock rock and psychobilly songs up for this spot, but I chose this one on the strength of its doo-wop opening and catchy tune. And it's short, so you can watch all of it and not feel too bad about not working. Hey, it's Halloween, y'all!
Carman - "Revival in the Land"
Ok, this isn't a song, and it isn't about zombies, but it is the ultimate manifestation of Carman's sick fascination with the dark side. In this video, using his trademark flowery language ("a scaly creature disrupts Satan's ghastly existence"), Carman takes us right into the heart of Satan's lair where one of Satan's minions warns him of the coming revival in the land. Saints of God, man your battle stations.
Each Friday (or Saturday I suppose) in October, Giant Electric Penguin will bring you a selection of Horror, Horror-friendly, and Horrible music fit for listening to during this, the 31 Days of Horror.
Grover "Monster in the Mirror"
I know this song isn't supposed to be scary or nothing--I guess it's supposed to be empowering--but hearing a gaggle of celebrities, including Kadeem Hardison, Robin Williams in a silly hat, Bo Jackson, Woopie Goldberg, Tracey Ullman, the Simpsons, that chef guy from PBS, Siskel and Ebert--is that Kid 'n Play?-- threaten, "Every time you wubba us, we'll wubba you" is kind of scary, right? Am I right? Oh, who am I kidding? It's adorable. Doesn't hearing cuddly Grover waxing existential about the origin and nature of evil ("that monster in the mirror, he just might be you") make you feel all warm and Halloweeny inside?
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen "Halloween Song"
Before the fashion, the eating disorders, and The Wackness, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were just a couple of incredibly lucky little kids on TV who also occasionally released ridiculously annoying and obscenely successful videos for other maybe not so incredibly lucky little kids. They also couldn't sing for shit. I honestly can't understand much of what they're saying (It's about spiders, vampires, nuns? That's what I'm hearing), but this song is indeed "very very very unbelievable scary." I mean it's got kids in makeup and weird hair, the camera moves around crazily, there's slow motion blinking. It's scary.
But not as scary as meeting an "orchestra of orcas… shrieking and blabbing….as we go swimming through space." Now that's fucking scary.
Tiny Toons "The Time Warp"
In continuing with today's early '90s nostalgia trip, here's the Tiny Toon, um, kids with "The Time Warp." All right, it's not the Tiny Toons singing (I have no idea which version of the song this is), but it kind of actually looks like it could possibly be the Tiny Toons singing, right? Anyway, I'm not a big fan of Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I have always liked the 1950s fun-time sing-along style mixed with sexualized sci-fi lyrics. I should like it more than I do, but I can't get over all the creepy freaks in costumes who eat this shit up. It's like the stoners who stole Pink Floyd from us decent music lovers got together with the Grateful Deadheads (who didn't steal nuthin') and had overly-dramatic babies. And now I can't say I like Pink Floyd or Rocky Horror without associating myself with all these weirdos and losers. Not to get off on a tangent, but it's not like I hate these people. In fact, I build my whole political and social belief system around allowing people to be whoever they want to be without censure. But what do people do when they get that freedom? They choose to make themselves into obnoxious freaks. Why can't more people just be open-minded and boring like me?
Hey, you know what I just realized? I'm that monster in the mirror. I've become everything that I hate: a judgmental elitist. Now the question is, should I embrace the monster as a friend like Grover does in the video, or, uh, "wubba" him as he's so obviously "wubbad" me? Whatever I choose to do, please enjoy this super cool song.
Bindi Irwin "Save Me"
These aren't orcas, but they're just as mystical, magical, and prone to inspire irrational attachment in young girls. I like giant sea mammals as much as the next completely heterosexual male slob (my self-identified urban tribe), maybe even more, but I don't see how this song does anyone any good. I don't know what's scarier, "the man with the harpoon gun" or the idea of little Bindi Irwin channeling a "giant of the sea." Something inside me has to wonder whether the whale wouldn't rather just beach his or her own ass than have all this fuss made over him by someone so young, chipper, and prone to harass wildlife. I know, I know. Suggesting that a whale might commit suicide is a horrible thought, but it is Halloween after all.
Carman "Lazarus"
You didn't think I forgot about Carman, did you? In this "classic story song from 1984," Carman tells the first zombie story ever: the story of Lazarus. Through this song Carman gives us a glimpse into a heavenly meeting attended by Bible characters of yore (complete with ridiculous voices that sound like they're straight out of a Joe Piscopo routine [I have no idea what I'm talking about]). Seems Moses and Soloman and all those folks are sitting around in heaven talking about their relationship with God. When they get to Lazarus, he gets raised from the dead or something, proving he's the best of the bunch.
Each Friday in October, Giant Electric Penguin will bring you a selection of Horror, Horror-friendly, and Horrible music fit for listening to during this, the 31 Days of Horror.
Outcast "Dracula's Wedding"
Andre 3000's 2003 funky solo record (basically) was pretty uneven, and so is this song, but it's funky and funny and mentions peanut butter (and jelly) sandwiches which just HAS to be a reference to the Amazing Mumford, who isn't even a vampire or anything. It just HAS to be. And if it is, it's so dumb it's awesome.
Donovan "Season of the Witch"
"Season of the Witch" isn't really scary in itself, but in George A. Romero's 1973 film of the same name, it becomes more appropriate. I mean, witches paying for their witchy ingredients with credit cards, people staring at each other through nic nacs, and people speaking Italian are damn scary in my book. Damn scary.
Warren Zevon "Werewolves of London"
Another "classic" Halloween song that's really not traditionally scary. Look, I don't know what this song is really about. I mean it's about impeccably dressed werewolves ordering Chinese food, drinking pina colladas, and ripping out lungs, and that's not really all that scary, but there's something about the song that's really creepy. I just don't know exactly what it is. Maybe it's the gleeful admiration the narrator seems to have for the titular werewolves--the way Zevon warns Jim that the werewolf will rip his lungs out, but then confesses he'd like to meet his tailor. Or maybe I'm just reacting to that damn Kid Rock song that samples the opening riff.
And speaking of Kid Rock, "All Summer Long" would be a good candidate for this list as well if only for its horrible mutilation of concepts like rhyme and metaphor. Take a line like "Nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change" for example. Or how about the following horrifying non sequitur: "We didn't have no internet, but, man, I never will forget the way the moonlight shined upon her hair." Chilling.
45 Grave "Evil"
45 Grave were one of those bands that did everything they could to shock the "normals." I mean, their singer adopted the name Dinah Cancer for crap's sake; how much more over the top can you get? That being said, this song isn't that bad, and we are talking about Halloween music after all, so here you go. I could have chosen several other songs from 45 Grave (or any one of a number of other early deathrock bands for that matter), but I chose this one because I love--LOVE--how the announcer introduces this song as "music that Christians don't have to play backwards," referencing how some Christians tend to read evil messages into the incoherent noise of records played backwards. But the lyrics to this song are actually pretty (and by "pretty" I mean almost completely) benign. So she thinks some dude's evil. So what? I could see singing this song in youth group and saying it was directed towards Satan. The backwards masked messages crazy Christians jizz all over are more in the vein of "Master Satan," "We love Satan," and "Some of us smoke marijuana." So there you go.
Carman "Satan Bite the Dust"
Carman? Again? Well, you might as well get used to a Carman song on every one of these things. In this episode Carman gets his Halloween costume jones on again by challenging a saloon full of evil demons that look they were designed by Disney's Imagineering department. Did you think alcoholism was a disease? Nope. It's a demon. What about infirmity? I mean, that has to be a disease right? Or at least a sickness? Or sickness in general? Nope. Demon. And Carman kills 'em all with the power of the word or something…and bullets. My only question is why does he have to sing to him before he kills him? I mean, I see exercising restraint on human perps, but when your enemy is PURE EVIL, why not just shoot him right away? Why wait until he tries something? Also, this song is awesome if only because it includes a reference to the score of every classic Western you can possible think of.
Each Friday in October, Giant Electric Penguin will bring you a selection of Horror, Horror-friendly, and Horrible music fit for listening to during this, the 31 Days of Horror.
Carman "No Monster in My House"
Only Carman would think to spoof schlocky black and white horror movies with Sunday morning worship band versions of spaghetti western and spy movie soundtracks. Pick a genre, huh? Anyway, in "No Monsters in My House," Carman recalls seeing a couple horror movies as a child (one involves a crazy murderer and the other a walking alligator) that scare the living shit out of him. He's so scared out of his little kid mind that as he lies awake in bed he experiences something we can all relate to: he's visited by demons. What!?! Demons? Really? Just because he watched a scary movie?
Well, it isn't clear where the demons come from, but it's clear that Carman thinks he was visited by real honest-to-Satan demons. So what does he do? He gets "righteously indignant" and casts them out, of course.
What's odd about this video isn't that Carman hates demons or even that Carman seems to think movie monsters are evil creatures sent by Satan to torment little kids. I remember a youth pastor a long time ago telling us young impressionable youth that the Aliens from Alien looked just like the real demons he read about in some nutcase's real-life account of visiting Hell (no, not the Bible). What's really odd about his video is that someone had a whole lot of fun recreating these supposedly demonic horror movies. Too much fun. Way too much fun. Christians shouldn't have that much fun.
But is it scary? Well, kind of. It's scary that Carman would want to equate harmless monster movie monsters with real life supernatural creatures who want to drag you to Hell. I mean, he's pretty clearly trying to give little fraidy cat kids a way to get rid of the boogiemen, but is the best way to do that convincing them that the boogiemen are real and want to hurt them? I know, I know, cast 'em out with Jesus power, but what if they get you before you can cast 'em out? What then, huh? Mr. smart guy? I hope you're planning on paying l'il Carman's psychiatrist bill when he gets older. But the scariest part of all? When Carman winks at the end. Geez nads what a douche.
Follow the link below for 4 more Horrifying songs!
"Dracula's Lament"
"Dracula's Lament" from Forgetting Sarah Marshall pretty much sums up Dracula in a nutshell for me: He's seen a lot of pain in his long life, he hates Van Helsing for killing his bitches (bitch goddesses?), and he can't die. Poor sap. I'm glad I found this video of the Count from Sesame Street singing "Dracula's Lament" because it's awesome.
The Count "Song of the Count"
Hey, it's the same video, but different somehow.
Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band "Monster Mash"
This is the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band's version of Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash" that was originally aired on the children's show Do Not Adjust Your Set, which featured pre-Python versions of Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Eric Idle. BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band performed a song called "Death Cab for Cutie" in the Beatle's Magical Mystery Tour movie. Oh, wait. THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER. What really matters is they had a hit in 1968 with "I'm the Urban Spaceman" which was produced (partially) by Paul McCartney. No, that doesn't matter either. I guess all that matters is ELECTRIC SPOONS!
Cramps - "Surfin' Dead"
Dan O'Bannon's 1985 film Return of the Living Dead posited a world in which zombies were created by poison gas, ate brains, and wise-cracked their way through scenes so ridiculously gory they scarred my pre-pubescent brain forever. The movie was ridiculous, just like the Cramps' "Surfin' Dead," which happens to appear on the movie's soundtrack album! In fact, Return of the Living Dead is like a movie version of the Cramps, but without the social significance.
Each Friday in October, Giant Electric Penguin will bring you a selection of Horror, Horror-friendly, and Horrible music fit for listening to during this, the 31 Days of Horror.
Future Bible Heroes "I'm a Vampire"
Perhaps the most infectious synthpop song ever written from the perspective of a female vampire, Future Bible Heroes' "I'm a Vampire" is also one of my favorite songs EVAR. The titular vampire is everything a bitch goddess should be: She's boastful ("I have ever so much money, I'm gorgeous, and I can fly"), honest ("Hon, [I'm] one from whom you really should run"), beautiful ("Survived for 700 years and I still look 17"), and introspective ("Damn, I am what I am, what I am"). She's fucking perfect. I like to think she's who Jason Segel's Dracula from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is singing to in "Dracula's Lament." Wondering what a nerd daydreams about during gym class? There you go.
Follow the link below for 4 more Horrifying songs!
Metallica "Of Wolf and Man"
Long before suing Napster, working out their issues in front of cameras, and recording a lame album with an orchestra, the members of Metallica were desperate kids living on the edge of society. By 1991, Metallica were successful musicians on the cusp of becoming rich-ass bitches with the release of their self-titled "black" album. But despite all the die hard fans who point to this as their sellout album, Metallica still contains large doses of the youthful edge that made them so popular with freaks, geeks, and other assorted alienated teenagers in the first place. A song like "Of Wolf and Man," as campy as it is with its Vincent Price from Thriller monologue and "shapeshift" chorus, pulses with a primal desire to cut through society's bullshit and return to a simpler time--a time when we didn't have to go to school, make our beds, or ask permission to touch a girl's boobies--a time with no parents, no teachers, and no douchbag jocks--a time when we could turn into wolves and eat some goddamn meat! Back to the meaning (back to the meaning) of life, indeed. In case you haven't figured it out, the song's about a damn werewolf.
Kudos to the guy who made this awesome video with puppets. It's the best Metallica video I've ever seen by a wide margin.
Roky Erickson "Night of the Vampire"
This list could probably be exclusively populated with songs by Roky Erickson, the wonderfully and tragically bent founding member of the 13th Floor Elevators, but that wouldn't be much fun, would it? Well, it would actually be a lot of fun for me, but I'll try to exercise restraint. I've chosen to include 1980's "Night of the Vampire" because of this sweet fan-made video I found consisting of footage from Hammer horror films, and because of lines like this: "If it's raining and you're running, don't slip in mud 'cause, if you do, you'll slip in blood." Awesome.
Unknown Hinson "Undead Blues"
Unknown Hinson is perhaps better known as Early Cuyler of Cartoon Network's Squidbillies, but Unknown Hinson only has 2 legs and plays guitar right purty like. Just because he's an actual human being and can play the guitar, don't think that makes him any more attractive than Early Cuyler. He's not. He's ugly. Undead ugly. And he's got the blues. And none of those pesky solid bowel movements.
Carman "Witch's Invitation"
Carman, Carman, Carman. When will you learn to stop accepting strange invitations that mysteriously show up in your mailbox? This time Carman decides to accept the invitation of Isaac Horowitz, "a male witch, a warlock," who feels he needs to spend some time with Carman. When he first reads the letter, he turns "three shades of blue" (What, two wasn't enough?), but he accepts the invitation with the lame excuse of witnessing to Isaac. Yeah, right. Later he goes to the strip club to minister to some ladies with the laying on of hands.
When he gets to the warlock's house, he finds obvious signs of evil like a cat, Dungeons and Dragons games, and a cup of dry ice that Carman mistakes for herbal tea. Needless to say, Carman is "literally intimidated" as his faith gets violated by Isaac, who "delightfully" flaunts his evil accomplishments. Wait, delightfully? Yes, delightfully. Apparently Isaac's a very charming witch.
Eventually we get to an awesome scene where green plastic demons (yours free with any 3 proof of purchases from Carman-Os, Choco Carman-Os, or Carman Drops Corn Crunch Cereal) claim Isaac's soul and Carman leaves triumphant in the knowledge that he's saved, Isaac's damned, and the green plastic demons are going to leave him the hell alone.
Inspired by Matt's Sunday School lament of a week ago, Jonathan now regales you with tales of his youthful religious experience in "A People's History of Rock presents 5 Lamest Youth Group Anthems." Tell him to get a life.
The early 1990s were a time of much-ish turmoil in our great-ish country. Christians were being attacked from all corners by hateful entities like the ACLU, the United States Constitution, and a little band called Nirvana. Rock music was being assaulted by those great bastions of mediocrity, big-time corporate radio and American Christianity. Amidst this turmoil, the decades old institution of Christian Rock enjoyed a renewed sense of relevance coupled with record-breaking sales figures as conservative Christian parents across this exceptionally adequate nation that I love (really!) sought a new form of entertainment to compete with the raw, primal sound coming out of the Pacific Northwest. The following list presents 5 songs aimed at Christian adolescents released by major (in Christian terms) labels from 1991 to 1995 (actually, they were all released in 1993). Oh, and they're all lame.
1. DeGarmo and Key - "God Good, Devil Bad" (1993) It's easy to see why youth leaders in the early 90s, who were mostly raised on ZZ Top and corn nuts, would fall in love with this song. It's got everything born again bad asses love to talk about from the old days: seedy motels, tattoos, southern-fried riffs, and…um…interesting haircuts. The song is inexplicably inspired by a man who has "a tattoo on his arm of Jesus and the Devil side by side." Even more inexplicable is the fact that our protagonist decides to confront this man. Retard. After what certainly is a severe and well-deserved beating, all our hero can utter is "God good. Devil bad." Hey, that's the title of the song! There's also some bullshit about Madonna mixing sin and God and the standard complaining about people who wear crosses and use "nasty language." Lame. Also, I'm pretty sure that guy in the target vest is in DC Talk!
2. Carman and DC Talk - "Addicted to Jesus" (1993) Christian crooner Carman is often credited as being an artist that isn't afraid to "shake things up." I'm sure there was a certain amount of backlash to the whole comparing Jesus to drugs thing, but not nearly enough in my opinion. A2J? WTF? Is this seriously going to keep anyone off drugs? Or draw anyone to Christianity? This video is notable for a guest appearance by DC Talk in various costumes that defined the time period: overalls, ties with shorts, oversized shirts, and baseball caps abound. There's lots of complainin' 'bout various social ills like smoking in the boy's room and havin' heart attacks. Then we get to praise the lord with our feet. Through it all, DC Talk tirelessly encourage us by shouting "kick that groove," "pop goes the devil 'cause the devil goes pop," and "bust the devil (bust him up)." Carmen imitates a whacky doctor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a pirate. In spite of all of this, this video is exceedingly lame. Please watch it.
3. Carman and Petra - "Our Turn Now" (1993) What? Carman again? Actually, I could fill this list with fucking Carman, but I've chosen to highlight songs that feature other youth group luminaries like DC Talk in "A2J" and Petra in "Our Turn Now." There's nothing more rock and roll than rebellion, and there's nothing kids like better than having something to stand up for. In the '90s, Christian leaders started getting wise to this and started a campaign encouraging kids to "break the rules" and pray in school, despite the fact that there isn't any rule against praying in school. (and if there were, how could it possibly be enforced?) In this video Carman and Christian rock dinosaurs Petra team up to form a holy union of suckiness to helpfully explain how God was kicked out of public schools and show what public schools look like without God. So what's happened to our schools since God was removed in '62? Well, let's see. Based on this video we have, uh, pregnant students, guns, drugs, interracial kissing…oh, and creepy dudes with instruments hanging out in the halls. I think I saw that dude with the Mickey Mouse shirt on Dateline. My favorite moment comes at the 2:34 mark when Carmen and Petra singer John Schlitt looks surprised when the camera catches them dancing with each other.
4. Audio Adrenaline - "Big House" (1993) I admit that I find this song more than a little appealing. It's simple, catchy, and easy to sing along with, but I think it's the band's personality that drives their success. In this video they seem like a bunch of goofy, amiable kids. In fact, they remind me of the Monkees, and I love the Monkees. Their main draw, however, is exactly what makes them lame. Audio Adrenaline ARE just a bunch of kids who met at a small college and formed a band together, but they also, after signing to ForeFront records, completely gave themselves over to their record company. The result is an exceedingly lame 1992 dance-pop debut album that references Barney Fife and includes a song called "One Step Hyper." "Big House" is from their 1993 sophomore effort that, if I remember correctly, was marketed as an exercise in artistic freedom. In interviews the band would talk about how important it was that they have control over the sound of this album, and there's even a song called "We're a Band" that answers the criticism that they're a manufactured commodity. I guess Christian record execs started getting wise to the fact that things like writing your own songs, playing your own music, and dressing yourself were important to cool kids in 1993. The album cover features a grunged-out version of Audio A. The album title was Don’t Censor Me. But the songs are still silly and overtly grounded in conservative Christianity, and the music, while certainly more guitar driven, wasn't really anything like…well…anything that was popular at the time. Also, singing about how cool your dad's house is, even if it is your heavenly dad, isn't cool. I suppose this might be a pretty good religious children's song, but for teenagers, it's totally lame.
5. Geoff Moore and the Distance "Evolution…Redefined" (1993) Another imaginary boogieman the Christian right set up for kids to rebel against instead of their parents was Charles Darwin's completely sane and unbelievably enlightening theory of evolution. In this video we get a batshit crazy douchbag in a tasseled leather jacket encouraging children to make fun of their science teachers. In 1993. What the Hell? The teacher in the video (probably played by a member of DC Talk) begins the video by foolishly proclaiming that "all life is a continuum. All living things, despite their awesome diversity, are related to each other." Wait. That's not foolish. That's simple science. Simple science that seems to make the cute girl in the class nervous: "You mean I have some of the same genes as a monkey? Grody!" Luckily, smarmy douches Geoff Moore and the Distance live in her textbook. To defend his position, Moore sets up the classic "your uncle was a monkey" straw man and affirms that instead of "accidents of nature," he believes humans are the "work of a kind of loving creator." I guess that evolution doesn't say anything about the presence or absence of a creator is beside the point. Instead, Moore believes in a "redefined" evolution that includes something about a changed heart. I don't see what this has to do with the origin of man, but it's definitely lame.
Rock and roll is a transcendent concept.You can gussy it up, commoditize it, sell it like a can of Pepsi to preteens at a Newsboys concert, but you can never completely divorce it of its anarchic potential.There something about even the most palatable, soccer-mom-approved, insipidly pious use of rock music that makes one want to, well, fuck stuff up.If a song doesn't inspire at least a hint of dissatisfaction with the status quo--an urge to "stick it" to the "man" in some way-- whether it's dancing like a moron, spitting on a stranger, or refusing to vote, well, then, I don't know what the fuck you're listening to, but it's not rock and roll.No matter what they do to make rock a force of lobotomized obedience (Sir Mick--Yeah, right), its primal nature will prevail.For something there is in rock that does not love a king, whether it be a king of men or a king of the charts.Rock is primal.Rock is anarchy.Rock is is.Where does this powerful force come from?Fucking God, man.
Russ Ballard of prog-rock pioneers Argent knew this.In 1973 Argent released the definitive statement of rock's divine nature in "God Gave Rock & Roll to You," a song that would later be covered by probably over 1,000 Christian bands and Kiss.Ballard's tune is deceptively simple lyrically (musically, it's appropriately complex in a progy sort of way--actually, it sounds almost exactly like the missing link between the Zombies and Rush), but the lyrics contain a trenchant commentary on the transcendent nature of rock music.In the first verse our parents admonish us to "Love Cliff Richard, but please don't tease."Imagine Elvis without all that sexiness.The second verse assures us that "Music can make [our] dreams unfold," but we "gotta sweat" cause "it's never too late to work 9 to 5."The chorus tells us what's in our souls:Rock.
Most people associate "GGR&RTY" with Kiss, but in 1977, seminal Christian rockers Petra put a church-friendly version on their album, Come and Join Us.(Amy Grant was the egg.Petra was the sperm.Actually, maybe Larry Norman was the sperm.It's fun thinking of Christian rockers as jizz.) The chorus stayed the same, but the verses made it clear what "rock" Greg X. Volz was really talking about.Actually, Volz acts like rock and roll isn't really all that great.He asks, "where will you be when the music's gone?"And it's clear he's not talking about your dad when he talks about the "old man" taking "his toll."Doesn't matter.The rock abides.A little suckier, but it abides.Kind of.
Kiss didn't record their version until 1992.They changed the lyrics too, but they keep the spirit of the song intact.I like Argent's version better, but this version is appropriate if a bit campy.I still get goose bumps at Paul Stanley's closing monologue:
"I know life sometimes can get tough
And I know sometimes can be a drag
But, people, we have been given a gift
We have been given a road
And that road's name is rock and roll."
Along comes Disciples of Christ in 1993 to rap-rock it up with Christian metal band Bride.They completely ditch the verses and use the chorus as a hook for Absalom, Ben Reges, and Prophet to rapulicate around.The subject matter seems to be beating up the devil.Oh, and "God gave it to you."It's actually pretty aggressive for a Christian song in 1993 (both in sound and attitude), but it totally misses the nuance and beauty of the original.Plus, the delivery is way too serious.I'm pretty sure I can make out a bit about putting the devil in a "chokehold" and something about getting him with a "bodyslam."I don't care what you believe, that's just silly.
