Each Friday (or Saturday I suppose) in October, Giant Electric Penguin will bring you a selection of Horror, Horror-friendly, and Horrible music fit for listening to during this, the 31 Days of Horror.
Grover "Monster in the Mirror"
I know this song isn't supposed to be scary or nothing--I guess it's supposed to be empowering--but hearing a gaggle of celebrities, including Kadeem Hardison, Robin Williams in a silly hat, Bo Jackson, Woopie Goldberg, Tracey Ullman, the Simpsons, that chef guy from PBS, Siskel and Ebert--is that Kid 'n Play?-- threaten, "Every time you wubba us, we'll wubba you" is kind of scary, right? Am I right? Oh, who am I kidding? It's adorable. Doesn't hearing cuddly Grover waxing existential about the origin and nature of evil ("that monster in the mirror, he just might be you") make you feel all warm and Halloweeny inside?
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen "Halloween Song"
Before the fashion, the eating disorders, and The Wackness, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were just a couple of incredibly lucky little kids on TV who also occasionally released ridiculously annoying and obscenely successful videos for other maybe not so incredibly lucky little kids. They also couldn't sing for shit. I honestly can't understand much of what they're saying (It's about spiders, vampires, nuns? That's what I'm hearing), but this song is indeed "very very very unbelievable scary." I mean it's got kids in makeup and weird hair, the camera moves around crazily, there's slow motion blinking. It's scary.
But not as scary as meeting an "orchestra of orcas… shrieking and blabbing….as we go swimming through space." Now that's fucking scary.
Tiny Toons "The Time Warp"
In continuing with today's early '90s nostalgia trip, here's the Tiny Toon, um, kids with "The Time Warp." All right, it's not the Tiny Toons singing (I have no idea which version of the song this is), but it kind of actually looks like it could possibly be the Tiny Toons singing, right? Anyway, I'm not a big fan of Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I have always liked the 1950s fun-time sing-along style mixed with sexualized sci-fi lyrics. I should like it more than I do, but I can't get over all the creepy freaks in costumes who eat this shit up. It's like the stoners who stole Pink Floyd from us decent music lovers got together with the Grateful Deadheads (who didn't steal nuthin') and had overly-dramatic babies. And now I can't say I like Pink Floyd or Rocky Horror without associating myself with all these weirdos and losers. Not to get off on a tangent, but it's not like I hate these people. In fact, I build my whole political and social belief system around allowing people to be whoever they want to be without censure. But what do people do when they get that freedom? They choose to make themselves into obnoxious freaks. Why can't more people just be open-minded and boring like me?
Hey, you know what I just realized? I'm that monster in the mirror. I've become everything that I hate: a judgmental elitist. Now the question is, should I embrace the monster as a friend like Grover does in the video, or, uh, "wubba" him as he's so obviously "wubbad" me? Whatever I choose to do, please enjoy this super cool song.
Bindi Irwin "Save Me"
These aren't orcas, but they're just as mystical, magical, and prone to inspire irrational attachment in young girls. I like giant sea mammals as much as the next completely heterosexual male slob (my self-identified urban tribe), maybe even more, but I don't see how this song does anyone any good. I don't know what's scarier, "the man with the harpoon gun" or the idea of little Bindi Irwin channeling a "giant of the sea." Something inside me has to wonder whether the whale wouldn't rather just beach his or her own ass than have all this fuss made over him by someone so young, chipper, and prone to harass wildlife. I know, I know. Suggesting that a whale might commit suicide is a horrible thought, but it is Halloween after all.
Carman "Lazarus"
You didn't think I forgot about Carman, did you? In this "classic story song from 1984," Carman tells the first zombie story ever: the story of Lazarus. Through this song Carman gives us a glimpse into a heavenly meeting attended by Bible characters of yore (complete with ridiculous voices that sound like they're straight out of a Joe Piscopo routine [I have no idea what I'm talking about]). Seems Moses and Soloman and all those folks are sitting around in heaven talking about their relationship with God. When they get to Lazarus, he gets raised from the dead or something, proving he's the best of the bunch.
