1. Ellen's Energy Adventure (Epcot): This attraction is so
lame riders are encouraged to exit before the thing even starts. As you walk inside the theater, a Disney employee stationed at the entrance informs you that the attraction will take 37 minutes to experience and suggests you may want to turn around and do something more worthwhile. Before the opening film segment, another 'cast member' reminds you that you are about to spend 37 minutes in the dark watching various unfunny movies starring comedian Ellen Degeneres and points out the nearest exit. After the opening movie you are given yet another chance to flee. Those who choose to stay move into the next room and sit, where they are reminded once again that they are about to spend 37 minutes listening to Bill Nye the Science Guy drone on about alternative energy sources and watch Ellen Dengeneres do that thing she does. There are animatronic dinosaurs, but overall Ellen's Energy Adventure is a dud.2. Cinderella's Carousel (Magic Kingdom): It's just a Merry-Go-Round, albeit, a prettier one than you would see at your local state fair. The only real reason this attraction makes our list is that on my first ride on it ever, some woman was standing in the wrong spot and after three ignored warnings from the ride operator, the carousel was shut down and we all had to exit in a sad, single-file line. Stupid lady!
3. Stitch's Great Escape (Magic Kingdom): A better name for this would be 15 Minutes With Air Conditioning. A less family friendly name would be Stitch's Big Waste of My Damn Time. Years ago this attraction was called Alien Encounter and it was scary and dark and, therefore, completely awesome. Now it's dark and smelly and not fun and stupid. Nobody really seemed into it. I had been warned by both my mother and fellow Disney World super-fan, Nick Tillman, to avoid this attraction like the bubonic plague, but my curiosity got the better of me. It was an action of which I will eternally be ashamed. The stink of Stitch's chili-dog breath will stay with me to the grave.
4. The Country Bear Jamboree (Magic Kingdom): Some attractions at the Magic Kingdom just need some sprucing up, and in my opinion Country Bear Jamboree is a worthy candidate. Let's put it this way: Disney Imagineers need to usher this glorified Chuck E Cheese robot review into the 21st century or just raze the building. Compared with shows like Animal Kingdom's Finding Nemo the Musical and It's Tough to be a Bug, Country Bear Jamboree just seems like a waste of precious energy. I mean, they refurbished the Tiki Room, why not give the Country Bears a spit shine? First of all the sound is horribly--I think they use a record or an 8-track to provide the music and singing--there are hisses and pops and a constant buzzing drone that often makes it difficult to understand a single thing that's being said. Next, like I stated earlier, there's nothing here that I can't see at Chuck E. Cheese and at least there I can eat pizza and play skeeball. 5. The Jungle Cruise (The Magic Kingdom): It pains me to include this ride as it was my very favorite when I was a child, but the Jungle Cruise is kind of lame. Maybe it's always been lame and I'm just now realizing it at 29. As most everyone knows, jungle cruise guides can no longer fire guns at the hippos and alligators. They still have the guns on board, but now they wave the gun around and shout "shoo, hippos, shoo." Are you kidding me? If you were in the actual jungle and a homicidal hippo was rushing your boat you'd light that fat ass up, I'm sorry. I love animals as much as the next guy, but what kid is going to believe they are in some kind of peril if you just kind of limp-wristedly wave a plastic pistol around and halfheartedly suggest that the animals please if you don't mind go somewhere else? Plus, and I know this is a major part of the ride, but do we really need the cheesy puns? One, only half of them are mildly amusing, and two, about half of your guest don't even speak English or don't speak it well enough to catch your clever (said sarcastically) wordplay. To be fair, that job seems kind of fun, but they'd never let me do my own material and that might eventually irk me.
