Things I've Learned From the Internet

#6. Auto-tuned preteen girls from privileged families will be the death of pop music.

Oh, to be a 12-year-old girl with the desire to have a lucrative recording career and parents rich enough to fund my ridiculous dream in 2011. The time is right and the road to ironic semi-stardom has never been clearer nor, oddly enough, more traffic-ridden. Hell, you don't even need natural talent. Don't believe me?

You were expecting Rebecca Black? By now, if you live in America, have regular access to a computer or snarky 25-year-old barista, and possess functioning eyes and ears, you are familiar with Black and the Ark Music Factory, a creepy talent agency that perpetually shits out marginally talented teenagers onto YouTube and lets the trolls have at them. The video for Black's single "Friday," which has been viewed over 92-million times on YouTube as of this writing, went viral after it was posted on several blogs and has given birth to more silly covers and parodies than you can imagine, including, my personal favorite, "Sunday," performed by Sadie Black, about how church can be fun (?) even when choosing a pew proves to be a crippling ordeal.

But back to Alana Lee and her awful song "Butterflies." I'm not going to sit here and bad mouth Lee. First of all, she's a child. Second of all, she has successfully recorded a song, performed in a music video for said song, and released said video into a cold and uncaring world, damn the consequences. What have I done? Three episodes of a poorly promoted movie-themed podcast? A single performance with my three-piece musical outfit, The Not Happys, in my basement? Maintained a pop-culture skewering blog with limited returns? OK, that one's pretty impressive, but you get what I'm saying.

I'm also not going to let Alana Lee slide. "Butterflies" is garbage. I don't care how old you are or what style of genitalia you carry between your legs. This is a song for no one. Or, rather, it is a song for the evil geniuses at the Ark Factory who know that little girls will buy (i.e. beg their tired, stressed out parents to buy) whatever crap sounds like the crap they already like. So, that's the first thing.

There's also this whole auto-tune issue. Now, I don't hate auto-tuned stuff, but I enjoy when it is used transparently. By that I mean, I like when a song utilizing auto-tune makes that fact glaringly obvious. "Hey, everyone, we're using auto-tune here to make our song sound quirky and strange." Ark isn't using auto-tune to give "Butterflies" an offputting edge. They're doing it because Alana Lee simply doesn't have the pipes to pull the song off. Fast forward to :36--the first time we hear the song's "haunting"chorus--where Alana reveals that she is, in fact, a robot masquerading as a human girl child. The less said about what goes between 2:02-to-2:45 the better.


Before we run screaming from the Ark Factory, let's check in on CJ Fam, who, if I'm not mistaken, is a toddler.

Ick. This is more gross than anything ever. 1930's Shirley Temple is turning over in her grave.

Ark isn't the only music factory in town. No, sir. Your daughter doesn't have to team up with Patrice Williams to be an internet laughing stock. Take Jenna Rose. The video for her ode to crass consumerism, "My Jeans," has only been viewed by a paltry 4-million people, but it features everything that makes Ark's output so mesmerizing: 12-year-old drivers, awkward dancing, and an irritating rap break.

I simultaneously love and hate this song. Let's start with the reasons I hate it:

1. It's a song about jeans.
2. Jenna Rose seems like a total bitch. I can only go by the "character" she plays in the video however. She may be a perfectly nice young woman. The Jenna Rose yammering on about her stupid designer jeans though seems like a self-centered little snot.
3. Promotes the wrong idea that owning a pair of expensive jeans will allow you to "go anywhere." (1:30) You gonna wear those jeans to a job interview? I guess you can if you don't want the job, not that Jenna Rose will ever need a job.
4. I'm jealous of the sweet castle mural on her bedroom wall, OK!?
5. The line "Ha ha ha ha/Jack my swag." (2:25-2:27) That scene should have been followed by one of her father walking into frame and smacking the smirk off her face.


But, yes, there are things that I love as well:


1. I think as parody, it works pretty well. Like, if it is revealed one day that "My Jeans" was a parody of all the Arks and Willow Smiths and Justin Biebers of the world, I for one would be pretty stoked. Sadly, I think it's just a dumb song written for a rich girl who wants to be famous and hopes to one day appear on Mtv's My Super Sweet Sixteen.
2. As readers know, I like a well-crafted pop song, and "My Jeans," while vapid and shallow, is also catchy as hell.
3. The rap break, performed here by Baby Triggy and a friend who isn't important enough to name, isn't as creepy as the Ark rap breaks. One question though: did Trig buy a new Blackberry or did Trig's mommy buy it for him?
4. The line: "...feels like Heelys racing on my spine." (1:18) I'm sorry, that line is brilliant. And age appropriate. That line is pretty much what keeps me from wanting to punch this song repeatedly in the skull.


Now, do I really thing Rebecca Black, Alana Lee, Jenna Rose, and the rest of the Ark automatons are going to rise up and take popular music by force? No. I don't. I think a handful of little girls are going to receive a few extra bucks to throw on top of their trust funds before they graduate from high school, graduate from college with a business degree, and marry their father's divorced golfing buddy, their forays into the music world a faded memory, a fever dream that barely seems real. Patrice Williams will be hiding from the IRS somewhere in Southeast Asia, Triggy--he'll have dropped the "Baby"--will have his own VH1 dating show, and Sadie Black will be a kindly matron who plays the organ and teaches Sunday school. The world will right itself and President Trump will declare war on China. What a beautiful future indeed.

Things I've Learned From the Internet

#5. It's never been easier to find videos of people falling off of stages.

Say what you will about the internet's downsides--easy access to the most degrading porn one could ever imagine, cyber-bullying, Jon Gosselin's Twitter feed--for a laugh junkie, like me, the world wide Web-o-sphere is a non-stop roller coaster ride of bumbling imbeciles making braying jackasses out of themselves, falling thither and yon like a gaggle of doofy, drooling nincompoops. Yes, my name is Matt, and I love watching people fall down. And I'm not one of those snarky jerks who enjoys exclusively the tumbles of the tubby. No, I'll watch the fat and thin alike, and laugh as if laughing were going out of style for some reason beyond human comprehension. And if that individual is a respected celebrity, even better. Who can forget this classic:

Listen, I don't have anything against Kelsey Grammar--I was an avid watcher of the Stuffed Shirt Comedy of Errors Half Hour (aka, Frasier)--but there's something satisfying about watching him fall off of a stage. I think it might be the phony story he's sharing when the fall occurs that makes the situation not only palatable, but epically awesome. The cry of "Oh, good Lord," doesn't hurt either.

But it doesn't have to be a caveman-headed TV star or one of Destiny's Children doing the falling. It's just as fun to watch the stars-of-tomorrow take a dive, as in this soon-to-be-classic bit of footage:

Sure, Helen Keller falling off state is kinda obvious, but it's also beautiful in it's simplicity. Of course Helen Keller falls off stage during the performance. They should have her fall off a bunch of times. It would kind of drive home the fact that Keller had it tough, don't you think? At least the audience seems concerned for the performer's safety, which is more than I can say for this crowd of lowlifes:

You think it might be time to hang up your rock star dreams when you fall headfirst off stage and no one seems to care? I can't even figure why this even happened? Did he trip over that monitor? Who knows. Reminds me of an old Chinese proverb: If the leader singer of a shitty, post-grunge garage band falls off stage and the bulk of the audience is there for the headlining band or high as balls, does he make a sound? It's worth thinking about.

I shouldn't be so mean. That dude might be an all right guy. But some performers deserve to fall off stage, like this strutting goofball:

Show off! It's a hoot to watch fat blowhards trip up and find themselves careening to the ground, toppling head-over-heels into the unforgiving pavement below. Some performers, however, don't deserve the pain and embarrassment of a stage fall, like this poor bastard:

He's just trying to give the audience a magical Christmastime experience! Don't get me wrong, it's funny, I just feel bad for the guy.

I know what you're thinking: "Won't someone think of the children?" Well, I did think of the children and I've decided that they are not off limits. No, I will laugh just as hard at an innocent child crashing to the ground from on high as I will at an adult in a Mrs. Potts costume eating it during a Beauty and Beast musical revue. I give you now, The Greatest Stage Fall Ever: Child Division:

That looks like it hurt. Even before the required replay, the clip takes on a surreal, slo-mo quality. You can see it happening and you want to cry out, "No, little girl, you've got to turn back! There are no stairs where you are stepping! You will regret the course of action you are currently embarking on! You've got to turn back!" I've repeated this warning each time I've viewed this video and it never works. She never stops, she just smiles, waves, and tumbles.

Yes, my name is Matt, and I am unapologetic when it comes to my love of watching people fall off of things.

Learning Through Rap

Recent studies have shown that the best way to learn something new is through something called "hip-hop." I wasn't sure what that was myself, so I performed a unnecessarily extensive Google search and discovered that "hip-hop" is simply a fancy word for "rap." But don't let that scare you. I know some people out there think "rap" is just a bunch of grown men in clown make-up shouting about murder and magnets, but it turns out there are raps that actually serve an educational purpose. For instance, I recently listened to a rap that taught me how to properly feed and care for my bitch. My thirst for knowledge was far from quenched though, so I delved deeper into hip-hop culture on a mission to find more educational raps and share them with our readers. Turns out, rap can learn ya a whole mess of things, like...

1. Fireworks safety

In anticipation of Summer, the Midland Fire Department released a fireworks safety rap in the hopes that this year the citizenry of Midland, MI would refrain from blowing off their hands and faces. The trio of fireman-cum-dope-MCs present 9 simple rules to keep from burning yourself alive. Some of these rules include: read safety labels, which the firemen compare to the life lessons one can glean from the fables of Aesop; keep fireworks away from your cigar-chomping, kerosene-toting, false beard-wearing Uncle Randy; refrain from carrying fireworks in your pocket as an event of nuclear proportions is bound to occur; and no matter how much an asshole your older brother is, don't shove a sparkler in his face.

Most important lyrics: So, remember if it flies and makes a bang/stay away or you're in a chain gang (Wow. That's pretty harsh. My Uncle Randy told me those chain gangs are horrible!)

2. The plight of the elderly

No one understands the day to day trials of being an elderly woman in America like Rapping Granny. She may be decrepit, feeble-minded, and smelly, but does RG let that stuff slow her down? Hell, no, playa! She keeps it real...real old. But unlike, say, a Snoop Dogg or a Warren G, when the day-to-day grind gets her down, Rapping Granny doesn't resort to macho posturing and gun violence. She doesn't need to. She's got a "lyrical AK" after all. Rapping Granny's got all you bitches on lock. Now back off before she thwacks you with her walker. Those legs may have tennis balls on the end of 'em, but that shit still hurts.

Most important lyrics: I'm a big star and I'm spectacular/laid back like Dracula...

3. How to treat one's mother

Mr. T is famous for many things: wearing gold chains, being the only member of the A-Team who is afraid to fly, engaging in fisticuffs with Rocky, being less than amused with Richard Belzer, having his own sugary breakfast cereal, etc. But did you know he rapped? That's right, Mr. T raps, and perhaps his most beloved rap of all-time is the stirring "Treat Your Mother Right," a rap tribute to his own mother, as well as, mothers all over the world. Mr. T gives us a lot to think about as he recounts the old days when his mother suffered over a hot oven to make sure T had food to eat or worked extra hard to keep clothes on T's back and, presumably, chains around his neck.

Most important lyrics: She's a queen, second to none/take care of mother, you only get one

4. The plight of puppets

I never really gave a second thought to the indignity puppets face every single day until I heard "Hand in my Ass" for the first time. The song provides an unflinching glimpse into a dark world of what is essentially puppet fisting. When we're putting on a puppet show for a child's birthday party or singing about Jesus with the help of some puppet friends on Sunday morning, we don't think about what were doing to a puppet's fragile psyche. Do you realize how many puppets are hand raped every day? Hundreds at least. I mean, to be fair, some puppets are just heads, so, that's not such a big deal, I guess. Regardless, I know I wouldn't want some dude's arm crammed up my butthole day in and day out. Jeff Dunham should be ashamed!

Most important lyrics: They dress me like a bitch and I can't get a date/and my only escape is to masturbate

5. Lustfulness, advertising, and probably some other stuff

Hey, Dr. Dre, who writes your raps? Oh, you write 'em yourself? Good luck with all that. YouTube MC, Nameless, gets his raps from on high, and by that I mean God, yo! He may be an ex-hustler, but he is a current-pimp, and I don't mean one of those ho-slapping pimps you see in blaxploitation flicks. Nameless is a pimp for the Lord. In this rap, Nameless discusses the deplorable sin of lust, sex in advertising, and something about God cursing the Earth. He also provides fans with tips and tricks on how to escape an empty life of skirt chasing, tree puffing, and being crunk. And, yes, it's exactly what you think it is.

Most important lyrics: Every commercial tries to sell with sex/It's like, "I'm done with you, get out my bed...NEXT!

Things I've Learned From the Internet

#4. It's totes easy to get a celebrity to acknowledge you on Twitter.

Twitter-it's a forum where the intellectual elite and the subhumanly stupid meet to discuss important world issues and Justin Bieber. Millions of bored teenagers, sit-com stars, and frustrated blog-writing mandchildren (among others) have embraced Twitter and made it one of the most successful social networking tools of all time. Where else can one read Scott Baio's thoughts on healthcare reform, find a link to Tay Zonday's latest YouTube travesty, and engage in a spirited discussion about the new Tortada sandwich with a Taco Bell representative in a matter of seconds? Only Twitter.

Twitter provides users with intimate access to their favorite Hollywood celebrities, whether those particular celebrities like it or not. Name a star and he/she is probably a dedicated member of the Twitter cult. Tom Hanks? Yep, he's there. TV's Allison Brie? Oh, you better believe she's tweetin'! Saved by the Bell Goes Hawaiian star Dustin Diamond? You bet and guess who he's following? I'll give you a hint: me. And the list goes on and on and on.

With all these Hollywood big-shots and regular Joe Nobodies crowded into one space, there's bound to be some interaction. I've had not one but two of my favorite comedians--Scott Aukerman and Doug Benson--respond to something I've tweeted about them. This is an exception rather than the rule however. Most people never hear from their favorite celebs, no matter how earnestly they tweet declarations of unwavering love and respect. I think this might have something to do with the fact that some celebrities have millions of Twitter followers and therefore don't have the time to respond to each person individually. Plus, I'd venture to say that most film and TV stars have a lot to do and don't have the spare time to type dopey bullshit on the computer all the livelong day that we common folk do, not counting Kevin Smith, of course. Or, maybe celebrities are just asshole jerk pricks. Yeah, that's probably the answer.

For those of you who have grown frustrated with your favorite celebs constant snubbing, I have developed a four-point plan for getting a response from anyone from Ashton Kutcher to Reh Dogg. In the spirit of honesty I must tell you that I have never followed this four-point plan, nor do I ever plan to, I just developed it after months of studying Twitter and its users, and I'm pretty sure it will totally work.

STEP 1: JOIN TWITTER

For some this will seem painfully obvious. For others...eh, not so much. Be aware: if you choose to follow my four-point plan to getting Hollywood celebrities to talk to you via Twitter, you will have to become a Twitter member.

STEP 2: ACQUIRE 9 OR FEWER TWITTER FOLLOWERS

Important: do not exceed 9 followers. If a celebrity sees that you have too many friends, they will shy away from responding to you. I'm not sure why, but I do have some theories.

Theory #1: The celebrity thinks, "This guy (or gal) obviously has a lot of friends. They don't need my jibber-jabber mucking up the tweet stream. I'll just finish up counting my millions of dollars and take the dog out for mimosas. Good for that guy (or gal) for having so many Twitter chums."

Theory #2: The celebrity thinks, "This guy (or gal) has got an army behind him (or her). If I respond in an incorrect fashion, it could mean my career. I think I'll just count my money, take the dog out for mimosas, snort some blow, and yell at someone. I don't want to mess with that guy (or gal)."

STEP 3: FOLLOW YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY ON TWITTER

For the uninitiated: "following" someone on Twitter simply means that whenever said "followee" posts a message to the Twitter Web site, that message will appear in your "Twitter feed."

Example: You decide to follow Jim Carrey. Every time he types the word "BOING" (because that is literally all he ever does), it clutters up your Twitter feed. Easy.

STEP 4: INSULT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY--REPEATEDLY IF YOU CAN

Celebrities can't resist responding to people who hate them. If you shower them with too much love, don't expect anything back. They are surrounded by professional ass kissers all day long, They need another one on the internets now? Of course not, so give them what they so desperately crave: scorn, and heaps of it.

I hope this helps. Now get out there and tweet, damn you!

Things I've Learned From the Internet

#3. GIRLS ON TWITTER LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER.

Justin Bieber is a permanent fixture on Twitter's Trending Topics list and I had to find out why. Here are just a few of my favorite Bieber-tweets. Enjoy.

-taytayxo107 I just took "justin bieber stares into ur eyes ....what do..." and got: he loves u!....he thinks ur soo pretty!

-Cassidy23991 I just took "Justin Bieber is day dreaming in class and he sits behind u..." and got: He is day breaming of u!!

-@bieberjackson15: RT if before you sleep you kissed Justin Bieber poster

-ffonna Justin Bieber Justin Biber Justin Bieber Justin Bieber

-@JBFeverPandemic: "Give Up Justin Bieber For Lent" *Oh, Did you want me to commit suicide first?*

-@BiebsBestChicks: Justin Bieber makes anything look HOT...hotter than the sun

-_kaitlynnx I didn't get to give Allison her pep talk before she meets Justin Bieber. Damnit. If you're reading this by some slim chance illlyy kiddo.

-@JBSupporterss: RT if Justin Bieber is Happy Then U are Happy To :)

-@BieberDweebs: Dear Justin Bieber why do you have to be so damn sexy?? Hahahhaha

-@bieberiloveyou: I was talking to my Aunt on the phone earlier. Aunt: What do you want me to send you, you want Justin Bieber? Me: YES, PLEASE!!!!!

-krishiiee016 Dear Justin Bieber , when will you get online?? i miss you.. haha! i know, everyone does.. =)

-@justinbieber i just watched the new justin bieber music video for baby about 30 times. brb, im gonna go watch it another 100 times (:

-lovinladygaga I just took "Justin Bieber is day dreaming in class and he sits be..." and got: He isn't day dreaming about u?!

-TeamJBandJV Can't wait till my I heart Justin Bieber jumper comes :D

-shellym1202 Justin Bieber = Cooler than ice. Hotter than the sun. End of story

I'm Tweeting as Loud as I Can

Twitter: it's stupid, but everything's stupid.  When I created a Twitter account for Giant Electric Penguin, my wife told me that according to a report on NPR, the majority of new Twitter users only hang around for a month before growing bored with the service and abandoning it completely. "What do a bunch of NPR nerds know about popular internet trends?" I scoffed.

I'm here to tell you that my wife was half right.  Yes, after one month of letting my "followers," of which I may have had 15 or so at that point, know what I was up to every second of the day, I got pretty damn bored.  But then something amazing happened, something I call the Twitter Renaissance.  Suddenly I was "tweeting" with a joy I hadn't know since I first discovered the delicate art of genital self-manipulation.  "Tweeting" became my anti-drug and the monkey on the back at the same time and I was one satisfied junkie.

Eventually you hit a wall with Twitter.  "What more can I tweet?" you ask yourself shortly after alerting people that you have just mowed your lawn and eaten a popsicle (I actually "twittered" that. I'm sorry.).  The only thing left is to create a Twitter phenomenon and get it in the list of Trending Topics on the right side of the screen.  So, that's just what I've done.  Check the Twitter feed on this very site and you'll see my first attempt at starting a trend, the "#fakequiz."  You know those quizzes your Facebook friends take?  People on Twitter do that too.  They'll take a quiz and post the following message: "I just took that [NAME OF QUIZ HERE] and got [STUPID RESULT HERE]" and then a link to the quiz so other idiots can take it too.  So, I thought I'd make up some dumb fake quiz names and maybe make the illustrious Trending Topics list.

I'm asking you, GEP Army, to get on Twitter and start making up some fake quiz names.  Let's make my dream of being a "trending tweeter" a reality.  Together we can knock Michael Jackson off the list once and for all.

A Few Words Regarding Cake Farts

Watching Cake Farts for the first time last night, I experienced a wide range of emotions, as well as, a sudden crippling fear of the direction our country is hurtling. I'm all for freedom of expression and sexual congress with baked goods (provided those baked goods have acquiesced to being violated), but Cake Farts is a horrific conundrum of epically awful proportions. Moment to moment, I was at a loss as to what to say, think, or feel. Here now, for your reading (dis)pleasure, is an approximation of the moods/emotions I experienced while viewing Cake Farts:

1.) Confusion
"You know what I like?" a scantily clad young lady asks her viewing audience. Long walks on the beach, I thought. Working out at the gym with your best gal pal? Curling up by a roaring fire with a good book and a glass of white wine?

"Cake farts," she coos.

Wait...what? Cake farts? Of all the things in the world you could tell millions of internet users that you like, you choose cake farts? What are cake farts anyway? That phrase means nothing to me. Cake farts? Doesn't make any sense.

2.) Titillation
As the young woman rounds the kitchen counter we discover that she is sans pants and underwear. I've temporarily forgotten that just seconds before she mentioned her affinity for something called "cake farts." I like where this is going.

3.) Horrified Shock
Wait. What is she doing? She's climbing up onto the kitchen counter. Oh my God...there's a perfectly innocent chocolate cake up there. She is squatting over it. Oh, God! Oh, no!

4.) Disgust
Oh! Cake farts! Now I get it. This girl likes farting on cakes. That's dumb. And gross. But...

5.) Admiration
...damn that girl can fart! I mean, these aren't little girly farts, these are full on cross-country-trucker- after-two-or-three-microwave-burrito farts. She's brought her A-game with these poots, man. Usually I'm pretty grossed out by the idea of beautiful women farting (especially farting on food--especially when that food is delicious, delicious cake), but this is impressive.

6.) Anger
What a perfectly awful waste of cake. As a cake fan, I'm offended. And what about the scores of children all over the world without cake or any food for that matter? Why don't you just make a video where you visit an African village and slap the shit out of a starving baby, Cake Fart Girl? That cake could've fed a family of four and now it's all farted up. Plus, most of the frosting is stuck to your ample buttcheeks. You food farters make me sick! Everything's about you, you, you. And food. And farting on food.

7) Acceptance
Let's face it, we live in a world gone mad. Maybe cake farts are the last frontier of sexual exploration. Maybe they are just the beginning. Either way, wherever there are large groups of diverse human beings co-existing together, there will be weird fetishes and creepy Web videos. It's better to just embrace it and move on. You'll drive yourself insane or weep yourself into a coma otherwise. Let the cake farters fart on cakes, pies, Twinkies, and whatever the hell else they think needs a healthy dose of their mighty winds. It could be a whole lot worse.

Now what's this? Meatloaf farts? What could this be?

(If you now feel the need to experience Cake Farts for yourself, just go to Google and enter the words "cake" and "farts" and click the link. It goes without saying, Cake Farts is totally NSFW. I haven't seen Meatloaf Farts, but I imagine it's quite similar. Watch at your own risk.)

Things I've Learned From the Internet

#2. Everybody Loves (To Copy) A Winner

Last month we shared with you the YouTube clip titled "Kittens Inspired by Kittens." I believe at the time I called it "the greatest video in the history of the internets." I continue to feel this way and probably will until my violent, blood-soaked death at the hands of super monsters. It's just so cute and weird and addictive. "Kittens Inspired by Kittens" is my heroin. My rock climbing. My hooker strangling, if you will.

Whenever something as perfectly sublime as "Kittens" comes along, there are bound to be countless copycats (all puns intended) riding its coattails to semi-fame. I've being monitoring YouTube since first seeing "Kittens" on The Soup and have successfully sniffed out the following pretenders to the "Kittens" throne. These video wannabes run the gamut from "somewhat amusing" to "pretty bad" to "where do you get off?"

"Kittens Inspired by David After Dentist" is an amusing mash-up of the original "Kittens" clip using audio from the popular "David After Dentist" video (which itself has been mashed-up with audio from American Psycho actor Christian Bale's recent rant on the set of Terminator 4: Rise of the Sequels):

"Cats Inspired by Kittens Inspired by Kittens" is another worthy addition to the growing list of "Kittens" wannabes. This time there is no mash-up, just a gay, Breckin Meyer look-alike making humorous observations with the help of a tome titled "CATS." Highlights include: "We're doing tequila shots"; "I'm blogging"; "I sell oatmeal"; and "APPLES!!!"

"Tila Tequila Inspired by Kittens Inspired by Kittens" is a hit-or-miss mash-up, featuring brand-spanking new footage of fake bisexual has-been Tila Tequila's Newbery Award winning book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Hapiness, Success, and Being the Life of Your Own Sad Little Party and audio from the original "Kittens." Some of it totally works ("Brainstorm!") and some of it falls flat on its fake tits ("I want beef jerky!"). Doesn't that book look horrible?

Super lame Christian improv comedy group Fishes & Loaves try their hand at "Kittens-"style hilarity and fail miserably with "Kittens Inspired by Kittens-----Luchadores." They outright steal Weird Little Blonde Girl's bits, but none of them mesh successfully with the pictures of Mexican wrestlers. Plus, Mexican wrestlers stopped being funny since before the release of Nacho Libre. Fishes & Loaves have definitely booked some time in Purgatory for this waste of space. Also, Fishes & Loaves, hate to break it to you, but no one cares if you've shared a stage with Garrett Morris. Sorry.

This one's called "Chickens Inspired by Chickens." It is terrible.

Our final video, "People Inspired by People," is nothing short of a complete and utter travesty. First of all, the little girl... so not cute. Sorry. I mean, sure, in the pantheon of "cute little girls" she ranks pretty high, but when compared to Weird Little Blonde Girl, she falls way short. Second, she can't possibly write her own material. "Menopause is great?" She doesn't know what the hell menopause is...even I don't know what menopause is (it's got the word "men" in there, so I assume it has something to do with me, right?). Some bitter, unfunny adult wrote these stale, obvious jokes and forced her to say them. That's the only explanation for this piece of shit. She scores minor laughs at the end for "I'm an orphan" followed by gleeful giggles, but poking fun at Jesus, senior citizens, and Hooters Girls is wrong. IT'S WRONG!

Things I've Learned From the Internet

This latest Giant Electric feature is a blatant rip-off of Esquire magazine's popular What I've Learned only ours 1) doesn't involve any celebrities whatsoever, 2) focuses strictly on facts, figures, tidbits, and trends gleaned from wasting copious amounts of time on the internet and 3) offers little to no meaningful insight into anything that matters.

#1. Girls love to sing "Tonight You Belong to Me"

My favorite moment in The Jerk (which is my all time favorite comedy film) is without a doubt the scene in which Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters stroll along the beach singing a beautiful rendition of 1926's "Tonight You Belong to Me." The ukulele, the gorgeous harmonies, Peters' cornet solo--it is a perfect moment in a perfectly silly American comedy classic.  "Tonight" is the kind of song that gets stuck in your head and stays put.  I find myself singing it at the most random times--waiting in line at the grocery store, during my morning jog, when checking my testicles for cancerous growths.  It is one catchy son of a bitch.  It is also a lot of fun to sing, alone or with a friend.

As I wandered through the depths of YouTube recently, I discovered that girls seem to love recording themselves singing "Tonight You Belong to Me" and sharing it with the world.   Versions run the gamut from surprisingly good to utter garbage.  Here now are a few of my favorites from this (probably not) global phenomenon.

1. Shelley Green

There's pretty much nothing I hate more than YouTube videos that feature a teenage girl playing acoustic guitar and singing, but there's just something about Shelley Green.  Sure, she's cute, but she also has a helluva voice.  The way she sings the phrase "somebody new" sends chills up and down my spine.  This isn't Shelley's only internet performance.  She also does fairly decent covers of The Beatles "Across the Universe" and Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea."  

2. Shirley

After meeting Steve Martin at a book signing, Asian MySpace model and YouTube vlogger Shirley decided it was time she graced the interwebs with her version of "Tonight."  She's not much of a guitarist or singer.  And it's not like she even tries very hard either.  Shirley basically sets up her camera (poorly), lounges on her butt-ugly couch, and gives a half-hearted performance that leaves a lot to be desired.  It doesn't help that her MySpace page includes a photo album titled "My Famous Friends."  Ooooo, you met Mad TV cast members!  Lucky you!

3. Lauren and Gaby

While Shirley just doesn't try, Lauren and Gaby try too hard and fail spectacularly.  These are the kind of girls who audition for the American Idol judges at the same time because they are BFFs and Simon lets them sing together expecting the worst and then they sing and it's abysmal and then Simon lets them sing separately and they do and one is really good and one is still abysmal, only Lauren and Gaby are both terrible.  And why the bathroom, ladies?  I mean, I guess the acoustics are better, but I'm not even sure I even know what that means. Somebody who knows Lauren and Gaby needs to tell them how truly awful they are before they put out any more of these horrendous videos.

4. Unidentified Mother and Daughter

What's more fun than sitting at the kitchen table with your mother and making a YouTube video? Having not tried it, I can think of a lot of activities that are probably way more fun, but I'm glad somebody has the time and desire to produce family sing-along videos.  I like these two.  They're all kinds of adorable.  Also, they don't need an echoey half-bath to sound good. Maybe try a tastefully decorated kitchen next time, Lauren and Gaby.  You know, the only thing this performance needs is a tuba.  Maybe next time.

5. Fiona Apple

I'm including this video for two reasons.  First, I like Fiona Apple.  Second, she sings to a man wearing a bunny suit.  Enjoy.