#5. It's never been easier to find videos of people falling off of stages.
Say what you will about the internet's downsides--easy access to the most degrading porn one could ever imagine, cyber-bullying, Jon Gosselin's Twitter feed--for a laugh junkie, like me, the world wide Web-o-sphere is a non-stop roller coaster ride of bumbling imbeciles making braying jackasses out of themselves, falling thither and yon like a gaggle of doofy, drooling nincompoops. Yes, my name is Matt, and I love watching people fall down. And I'm not one of those snarky jerks who enjoys exclusively the tumbles of the tubby. No, I'll watch the fat and thin alike, and laugh as if laughing were going out of style for some reason beyond human comprehension. And if that individual is a respected celebrity, even better. Who can forget this classic:
Listen, I don't have anything against Kelsey Grammar--I was an avid watcher of the Stuffed Shirt Comedy of Errors Half Hour (aka, Frasier)--but there's something satisfying about watching him fall off of a stage. I think it might be the phony story he's sharing when the fall occurs that makes the situation not only palatable, but epically awesome. The cry of "Oh, good Lord," doesn't hurt either.
But it doesn't have to be a caveman-headed TV star or one of Destiny's Children doing the falling. It's just as fun to watch the stars-of-tomorrow take a dive, as in this soon-to-be-classic bit of footage:
Sure, Helen Keller falling off state is kinda obvious, but it's also beautiful in it's simplicity. Of course Helen Keller falls off stage during the performance. They should have her fall off a bunch of times. It would kind of drive home the fact that Keller had it tough, don't you think? At least the audience seems concerned for the performer's safety, which is more than I can say for this crowd of lowlifes:
You think it might be time to hang up your rock star dreams when you fall headfirst off stage and no one seems to care? I can't even figure why this even happened? Did he trip over that monitor? Who knows. Reminds me of an old Chinese proverb: If the leader singer of a shitty, post-grunge garage band falls off stage and the bulk of the audience is there for the headlining band or high as balls, does he make a sound? It's worth thinking about.
I shouldn't be so mean. That dude might be an all right guy. But some performers deserve to fall off stage, like this strutting goofball:
Show off! It's a hoot to watch fat blowhards trip up and find themselves careening to the ground, toppling head-over-heels into the unforgiving pavement below. Some performers, however, don't deserve the pain and embarrassment of a stage fall, like this poor bastard:
He's just trying to give the audience a magical Christmastime experience! Don't get me wrong, it's funny, I just feel bad for the guy.
I know what you're thinking: "Won't someone think of the children?" Well, I did think of the children and I've decided that they are not off limits. No, I will laugh just as hard at an innocent child crashing to the ground from on high as I will at an adult in a Mrs. Potts costume eating it during a Beauty and Beast musical revue. I give you now, The Greatest Stage Fall Ever: Child Division:
That looks like it hurt. Even before the required replay, the clip takes on a surreal, slo-mo quality. You can see it happening and you want to cry out, "No, little girl, you've got to turn back! There are no stairs where you are stepping! You will regret the course of action you are currently embarking on! You've got to turn back!" I've repeated this warning each time I've viewed this video and it never works. She never stops, she just smiles, waves, and tumbles.
Yes, my name is Matt, and I am unapologetic when it comes to my love of watching people fall off of things.
